Dare you to move

It's been awhile since I wrote a raw, honest blog post. A friend said that it reflected the fact that I was growing up. And while I do believe self-censorship is a mark of maturity, and not all deeply personal thoughts are appropriate for public spaces, I think it's good once in awhile to carve time and space to be real.

We all need the reminder once in awhile that we're all human, we all struggle, we all make mistakes - and the best part is, we don't have to go through it all alone.

While I had an amazing time learning and experiencing a lot of new things in the UK, I returned from Malaysia a lot more guarded, and more used to being alone than before I left. It was hard to adjust back to having such a huge network of friends all over again, and to be a part of and identify with their lives (which had changed since I left) after experiencing such a different life for a year (I had changed since I left, too).

It took some time, but the more I discovered spaces where other people were honest and real, the more I felt it was okay to be honest and real. It's an ongoing process because starting a new job, being a part of so many new social circles, and adjusting to change in general, doesn't come easy. It's tempting to blend in and play down the unique strengths and personality traits and odd quirks that make me me.

I'm thankful that every time I feel totally insignificant and like I have nothing worthwhile to offer, a little burst of encouragement comes my way - in the form of a little note, some good one-to-one time with a friend over coffee, or a book. Or, like yesterday, Jayesslee - two gorgeous girls who on the outside, seem to 'have it all' - putting aside appearances and being totally vulnerable.

I struggled to hold back tears as they shared their story of losing their mother to cancer at such a young age and how they struggled with understanding a God who would take their mother from them. How they eventually came to find peace in Him, inspired by their mother, who became "happier and happier" the closer she got to eternity. And how in her final moments, with her last breaths, their mother lay in the hospital bed praising her Maker before she returned to Him. I cried because I knew if I had been in their shoes, I'd have broken down, over and over again.

I struggled to hold back tears as I think about the lyrics of Switchfoot's "Dare You to Move" that they covered - a song that has carried me through countless times I felt like giving up on hope. As they sang "Everybody's watching you now", I saw my teenage years flash past me. I saw this scared, would-do-anything-so-nobody-notices-me, insecure, and painfully shy girl that I used to be, who defined herself by the assumptions and judgements and perceptions people had about her.

As they sang "Welcome to the fallout / welcome to resistance / the tension is here ... between who you are and who you could be / between how it is and how it should be", I saw that scared girl find hope and strength in Someone who loved her in ways beyond what she dreamed of - but struggling and stumbling to believe such love could be for her. Who saw at the same time, a hundred reasons to believe in all she could be, but a hundred things that limited her from becoming that. And growing up constantly battling between those two sides.

As they sang "Dare you to move / like today never happened", I saw an older, more cynical, but not necessarily wiser girl stumble her way through college and university, making mistakes she wondered if she would ever heal from in the process. And the fear and weight of wondering if "today" had robbed her of the future.

Finally, as they sang "Maybe redemption has stories to tell / maybe forgiveness is right where you fell" I saw who I am today. Far from perfect, still broken, still making mistakes - but getting there, healing, and trying again. Someone learning to define herself more by what He says about me than what others think about me. Who finds more reasons to be brave than scared these days. Who carries scars from the past but wears them as medals of having healed well. Who still fights battles, every single day, but for whom giving up is no longer an option. Who lives a vast, beautiful, colourful, hope-filled life, painted with eternity.

When asked what was one piece of advice they wished to give to young people out there, the twins said it would be to live each day as if it were your last. So simple, so cliched - but for me, it was a precious reminder. I don't think we can have enough reminders every day - heck, even every hour to be reminded of the frailty of life.

Life is short. It's too short to waste dwelling on your fears and insecurities. We all have them. Life is too short to sit back and do nothing about your dreams. Life is too short to feel your heart moved in compassion for whatever unique cause you are compelled to (my heart has never been for evangelism in the slightest bit but show me an abandoned puppy or a starving child and my heart breaks into a million pieces) to not do anything to help change things. We cannot do everything, but as someone I look up to greatly, Mother Theresa, said: "We can do small things with great love."

Finally, life is to short to not love. Without love, life is nothing. Love your family. Love your friends. Love what you do. Love the situations and even the challenges you're placed in. Love who you are. Love the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, even if you haven't met him or her yet. Love, as in the verb, not the emotion.

I'll end with something I read this morning that really challenged me to get out there and live and love to the fullest:

I will do more than belong - I will participate.
I will do more than care - I will help.
I will do more than believe - I will practice.
I will do more than be fair - I will be kind.
I will do more than forgive - I will forget.
I will do more than dream - I will work.
I will do more than teach - I will inspire.
I will do more than earn - I will enrich.
I will do more than give - I will serve.
I will do more than live - I will grow.
I will do more than suffer - I will triumph.
-William Arthur Ward

May you be challenged to do the same.

Please support my attempt to win a trip to travel around the world to make an impact!

Dear Reader,

Thank you for taking a little of your precious time to stop by my little space in the vast, wide web.

I will be taking a really short hiatus to concentrate my online efforts on participating in a competition that will allow me to travel around the world for one year doing social and volunteer work, which has always been something close to my heart, as you might know if you know me personally. Even if I don't win the grand prize, 12 finalists will have the opportunity to represent their countries on a world stage and get short-term opportunities to travel and make a difference in communities worldwide.

So, if you could spare a little bit more of your time, I would really appreciate if you hope on over to My Big Year 2012, which I set up specially for this journey, to find out a little bit more about it, and to support me in my efforts to make it through to the next round! The Top 50 with the most active supporters will go through to the finals. I am currently ranked #46, and every little action of yours helps me not just stay in the Top 50, but pushes me a little further towards the top! :)

Many thanks and much much appreciation in advance,

Crystal

Pirate gold: on spending and thriftiness

 Some rights reserved by वंपायर

As Asians, we grow up inculcated with the value of thriftiness. We're taught to spend carefully and save up for rainy days - which is probably the reason financial crises are always tamer in Asian economies and corporations compared to those seen in the West.

And it's a brilliant thing, being smart about how we spend our money - as long as we view our money as a tool to reach our end goals and not hoarding it as an end in itself. There's a big difference between someone who says "I want to be a billionaire", period, and someone who says "I want to be a billionaire so I can build affordable housing for the poor."

Speaking of money, I stumbled across this literary quote today:

“And in a day we should be rich!” she laughed. “I’d give it to you, the pirate gold and every bit of treasure we could dig up. I think you would know how to spend it. Pirate gold isn’t to be hoarded or utilized. It is something to throw to the four winds, for the fun of seeing the gold specks fly!” -Kate Chopin, The Awakening

I read one blogger's take on it:

"...since reading The Awakening in college, I have been thinking about [this quote] as something other than a joyful statement advocating spendthrift behavior.  I’ve been thinking about all the things that pirate gold is, in our lives, beyond actual gold. The tiny things – tying cleats, reheating noodles, checking homework, driving to school on a rime-frosted morning, folding pajama bottoms – these are not things to be rushed through so that I can finally get to Life. They are the gold flecks of life itself. 

Only when we realize that these moments are the gold of life itself do we fully appreciate the gorgeousness of their flight.  And, of course, the startling truth of their impermanence: what passes more quickly than gold flecks hurled into the wind? I read Chopin’s words, now, as an exhortation to spend, not to hoard: our time, our love, our energy, our spirit.  We only have today.  Why save up for a future that is unsure?   

...I am aware of an instinct, in myself and in others, to sometimes hunker down, preserve, conserve.  As though somehow our energy and love are zero-sum affairs.  That may be true of energy, as I get older, but I’m sure love is limitless."

I thought about a certain person who once told a crowd:

"Don't hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or—worse!—stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it's safe from moth and rust and burglars. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being." -Matthew 6:19-21 (The Message)

And I was reminded today of saving up - but for the right things. And learning to spend all the things I don't have to hoard. The things that multiply when they are freely tossed into the wind and shared, like faith and joy and love.

The more acquainted I get with the Bible, the more I find it to be full of radical, counter-cultural - even subversive truths that great minds from different eras and cultures and even different creeds and religions have echoed. Yes, there's plenty of timeless truths in there - but also plenty that turns conventional wisdom upside down.

The gift of reading

Some rights reserved by A.K. Photography

One of my favourite things about my year in the UK was being able to buy books online from Amazon at much more affordable rates compared to books bought in Malaysia. Then I discovered Book Depository and found out BookXcess had expanded in the time I was away, much to my delight.

The other day as I was wrapping and flipping through a stack of recently-bought books, it struck me that since last year I have been able to afford buying books for myself - brand new, no less!

Even though I was an avid reader since 2 or 3 (my mum tells me the only way to get me to sit down for a meal or in the toilet was to put a book in front of me), books were privileges borrowed from libraries, passed down second-hand from older kids who had outgrown them, or, once a year, given brand-new by an aunt from England whenever she returned for summer holidays.

No book would pass through our household without being pored over, savoured, digested, or, even for the utterly boring ones, quickly skimmed through and then spat out.

Second-hand encyclopaedias from an uncle were my primers on folk tales, Greek mythology, and dog breeds from Papillons to Irish Setters.

Reader's Digest informed my general knowledge on the fact that a sneeze can carry germs up to as far as 15 feet and the meanings of and difference between the words opaque and translucent.

Biographies of great people like Helen Keller and Corrie Ten Boom seared the importance of kindness, love, and the beauty of the human spirit across my heart.

"The Chronicles of Narnia" captured my imagination and deepened my sense of mystery and wonder.

An old diet book of my mother's from her younger days taught me that self-control and discipline were the most important (and really, the only) diet tips any girl needs to know.

Tales of mice in flying baskets and sailor dogs ignited my passion for travel and discovery, and Usborne books made me aware of the sobering reality of the waste produced by commercialism.

Sean Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" prepped me for the challenges that I would face in the years to come but more importantly instilled in me great habits that keep me going even past my teens.

I read all this, mind you, before I'd even hit 13. I've barely touched any of the above books since but everything I've learned from them remain a part of who I've become today.

As a child, my parents were not able to give me many things, like brand new books (something so many of us take for granted). But they gave me a bigger gift - the gift of reading. Life - and possibilities - opened up for me through books. Books taught me that life is so much bigger than what I know and how to dream big and reach for my goals.

The fact that I can afford to buy a book today is a small reminder of the amazing journey that my life has been so far - a journey that would not exist if not fuelled by the imagination and passion while tempered by the eternal truths, wise lessons and lasting values I have encountered in my reading.

So the next time you hold a book in your hand, don't take the privilege for granted. Delve into it, engage with it, allow it to challenge and educate and inform and change you. Enter other people's worlds through their words, and watch your own world becoming bigger. Sit on the thoughts, ideas and ideals that someone has painstakingly stitched together for no other tangible purpose than to share them with you - mull over them, and let them become part of yourself.

If you want to live, truly live, read.

I wish that more Christians would read, and not just the Christian-life books and novels churned out by Christian publishing houses. I wish they would haunt used bookstores, delving into the thoughts, the poetry, the stories of yesterday and today. I wish they would fellowship with the world's great thinkers, with Christianity's most faithful workers and with the deepest imaginations and longings of our race. They might be surprised at how often they find God in the written word. C.S. Lewis said of books that "A young man who wishes to remain an atheist cannot be too careful of his reading."

I think he is right. In any case, by reading, I live my life more fully. On ink and paper I peruse the mind and soul of the human race, and even the mind and soul of God; I see their interactions clearly laid down; and I am challenged to interact with all my heart, soul and strength: to take my own life as a gift, to think about it, to enrich it with imagination, to live. 

-Rachel Starr Thomson, Mind Soul Ink Paper

The next level

Some rights reserved by jamieanne

In one of my favorite books (that first fired my imagination and passion for travel), there is a passage in which the author, Alice Steinbach, asks a shepherd about his sheepdogs:

"Do you ever think of your dogs - say, when they're off duty - as pets?"
"...when they're pups we do rear them as pets in the house for nine to ten months. I believe champions are made in the house. The dogs learn manners, the kids play with them, and they learn to be around people. I think it's important they be raised in the house."
"How do young dogs raised in a house for almost a year take it when they're put out?" I asked. "One day they're a pet, the next day they're a working dog."
Mark answered my question with one word: "Hard."

Some rights reserved by RayMorris1

Something about this passage really struck me, for two reasons:

1) For the last few weeks, I've been learning to train dogs at an animal shelter I volunteer at. And there is something magnificent about watching a dog that has been broken in and trained to behave beautifully.

2) Entering the workforce proper, especially at an age where I am constantly reminded of how young I am, feels a lot like being "broken in".

One day I'm a college student with the time to bake and cook and blog and do a million and one things, and the next day I'm a working girl with a fixed daily schedule. How did I take it?

You guessed it - Hard.

But just as the sheepdogs eventually come to enjoy their work - because that is essentially what they are bred and born to do, I'm starting to feel the same way about mine.

Yes, it's hard to be passionate about the minute, mundane details of a corporate desk job. But it's in the little details that I'm starting to find opportunities to develop skills that will help me in the long run. Like patience, attention to detail, and learning to find joy even in routine and repetition. Like the art of pursuing excellence in every tiniest detail. Like being able to see the long-term vision even when there's not very much tangible evidence of it in the present.

I definitely have my work cut out for me. There is so much to learn as I'm put through the paces of the working world, and although it sometimes gets overwhelming, it mostly feels good to be at this place.

It's beginning to feel natural and that's when I realize that this is what my upbringing and my education has been preparing me to do.

It dawned on me that this is the next level. I've reached it.

Suddenly, everything I've been through in the previous level seems insignificant and small. And it feels good to know that I've reached where I am supposed to be.

These days, I'm getting excited when things feel hard - because the hard bits are because I don't know. I don't know - because there are lots of new things to learn. There are lots of new things to learn - because I've reached a new level.

And guess what? The view always looks better from higher up.

It's a harder climb, yeah. But it sure is a heck of a greater view. I find myself reaching for bigger goals and dreaming bigger dreams from here than I ever dared to dream or reach for before.

What are you finding hard in your life right now?

Could it be the reason you're going through that tough time is because you're about to move on to the next level?

What's your next level?

And if you knew you WILL reach that next level, would the difficulty be worth it?

***

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.  -Robert Brault

Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. -Robert Louis Stevenson 

There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. -William John Bennett

A well-ordered life is like climbing a tower; the view halfway up is better than the view from the base, and it steadily becomes finer as the horizon expands. -William Lyon Phelps