irresistible

yesterday, after a morning run in sentul park, just around the corner from where i work, i stopped by 7-11 to buy some groceries. as i walked into the store, freshly showered, i accidentally brushed past a woman, who quickly spun around. i expected her to glare at me, but instead she smiled, and hesitated, like she wanted to say something, but she didn't.

i smiled back and walked into the store. when i came back out, she was still there, waiting by the door, bursting to ask me something. she needs directions to somewhere, i thought.

but the question that came out (in cantonese - don't ask me how i understood it but somehow i did!) was, "what perfume do you use?"

caught off guard, i was like, "uh, whaat?"

"what brand of perfume do you use? you smell very nice."

"uh, i'm not using any perfume. i just took a shower."

"ohhhh."

"maybe it's my shampoo."

"what brand of shampoo do you use? it smells very nice!"

"uhhh... pantene?"

"oh, okay, thank you!"

as she walked away, i chuckled to myself. what a random encounter! i got into my car and drove on to work... and as i drove it hit me: what if not just my physical body - but my whole life - could smell that sweet, that fragrant that people can't help but ask what i'm using.

"what brand of values do you subscribe to?"

"what principles?"

"what disciplines and habits do you put yourself through that makes your life give off such an irresistible fragrance?"

those are the questions i want to be asked. i want my words, actions, choices to be so different, so uncommon, so refreshing, that people get curious. i want my life and every single thing i do to be a breath of fresh air that points back to God and how amazing he is.

"Because of Christ, we give off a sweet scent rising to God, which is recognized by those on the way of salvation—an aroma redolent with life." -2 Cor 2:15

not sitting around waiting

i did not anticipate how many comments writing a post about my ideal guy would invite. one part of me is happy to know people are reading what i write and taking the time to share their thoughts... another part of me feels like i need to clarify my last post by saying this:

just because i have a list of ideals i am looking for in a guy doesn't mean firstly, it's a hard and fast list, or that things can't change - that i can't change. and secondly, neither does it mean that i'm desperately on the lookout for a guy to meet those criteria.

many people also commented about love being all about looking past a person's weaknesses... sticking through thick and thin... not about being perfect but about making the effort... and all that. which is all well and fine, but what makes one guy different from the other, then? why not just settle for anyone who comes along? or the first one to come along?

why not? if finding my dream guy was my ultimate purpose in life, that would make sense. find a decent guy who's willing to work at a relationship... and work as hard as possible at it and have an incredible story to tell of how we stuck through thick and thin.

but that's not my ultimate purpose in life. i used to want to travel the world, influence people, and be a writer - but lately i have been challenged to give up those dreams. it's difficult, yes. but yet i'm discovering more and more that when you give up your own dreams and plans... God doesn't really take them away completely... but he gives you more than those things. i don't know where all the open doors and amazing opportunities life has brought my way is taking me... but i know it's leading me somewhere and there's no way i'm going to give up this amazing journey i'm on for some guy, no matter how great he is, if he's going to pull me away from where God has called me to.

also, finally, i've been told - don't have so many ideals - just find a man who loves God. but i truly believe that if a man was chasing God with all his heart, not just being a sunday christian, he would already meet most of the ideals on my list already.

and my question about asking for the moon? it was a rhetorical question. i know tons (okay, maybe not tons, but a handful at least) of amazing, passionate, God-loving and single guys who are doing things with their lives and making a difference wherever they are. i just don't know which one is for me... yet. ;)

and you know what? guys like that, who'd meet the criteria on my list? they're not the ones sitting around waiting for some dream girl to complete their lives either. yes, they might dream of her and wish they would meet her sooner - but regardless, they'd be out there, getting stuff done, discovering bit by bit what makes their hearts beat strong, making good use of time that doesn't have to be devoted to a partner, and growing more and more into the men they were meant to be. 

wanted: someone into courage, commitment, and cuddling

'what do you look for in an ideal partner?' a number of people have asked me after recently discovering that once again, i'm back to relationship status: 'single'. (of course, that question comes after a shocked, 'what?!? but i thought you guys were perfect for each other!'... but that's a story for another day.)

and because i'm a writer first, and then whatever of a talker i try (very hard) to be, i stutter and fumble for words, and i find that whatever answer i come up with when put on that spot comes out feeble, and almost defensive, like i have to justify the things i look for in a guy because they are so unlike everyone else's criteria for what would make an ideal partner.

the last time i wrote down a list of important things i wanted in a partner was more than a year ago. and more than a year ago, i hadn't gone through what was probably the longest stable / serious relationship i've been in, i hadn't worked full-time for a year and realised how much space in your life carving out a career path takes. and most likely, that list has changed somewhat now that i'm older, had more life experiences, and hopefully, grown a little wiser.

so here's my attempt to put into words the things i value the most. (sometimes it's not easy to find out if a person has these traits all at once - sometimes you just take the risk to continue getting to know him on a deeper level. and in the words of a friend, "sometimes everything fits except for that one thing that's missing... and it turns out that's the most important thing.")

i know for an asian girl, this list is incredibly untypical - and i've been made to feel different for most of my life  - which is why it is ever-important that the one i find won't make me feel that way - a strange, awkward, different - but a special different.

1. someone who cares about things. who doesn't have to think too hard if i ask him what makes him feel fulfilled, or what makes him sad, or what makes him angry, or what makes a perfect 24 hours for him. who can answer those questions without hesitation because he has thought about the question - and he lives the questions, every single day. 
2. someone who has achieved something for himself. someone who understand what it means to work really hard and even fight - blood, sweat, and tears - for something he wants. someone who never takes his blessings and opportunities for granted because he knows what it's like to have little. someone who will understand instinctively my thriftiness and drivenness because he's gone through similar situations which has made him exactly the way he is. 
3. someone who is generous with himself but selective with his cash. seeing a guy make time for the friends and family in his life - not out of obligation - but out of a generosity of spirit - that's hot. because i know he will make time for me. and i think the way a person spends money says a lot about their character - so i'd look for a guy who is selective about his spending. not necessarily someone who's stingy and counts every dollar and cent - but someone who would give up other things to invest even more into the things he cares about. 
4. someone who, while being generous with others, also knows how to carve out time for himself. who will not let anyone - even me - steal him away from what keeps him grounded. who will not let distractions sway his decision-making and what he believes to be right and true. someone who will not conform to the expectations of others, not matter how much pressure and obligation is put on him. someone who doesn't allow people to change him - and won't try to change me. 
5. someone who is happy with himself. who is not overly confident or cocky, but satisfied with who he is and where he is. someone who strives because he knows he's not there yet - but at the same time, understands he is a work in progress and takes it one step at a time. 
6. someone who is all in. someone who, once he chooses a certain course of action - once he chooses me - will go all in, no second-guessing, with everything he has, to make it work. who has commitment and guts to stick through the rough times trusting that he's weighed the risks and made his calculations well, and after the tough times pass, the rewards will come. who will never give up until it is absolutely clear that this is not working. and that said...
7. someone who is not afraid to quit. someone who is not afraid to walk away, to rethink their ideals, to rechart their route, to redraw their plans - when the signs point to something better that lies ahead. someone who understands that there are seasons for everything and that sometimes giving something up doesn't mean forever - it just means for now, and the important thing is to live the now. 
8. someone who lives with vision. who learns from the lessons of the past but is always looking forward with the unwavering belief that there are better things that lie ahead than any we leave behind. someone whose goal is higher than his grasp, so there's always something more to reach for. 
9. someone who believes in calling. who genuinely believes that if he didn't do what he was meant to do - whether it's in a 'boring' job or taking crazy risks - the world would be at a loss. not in an egoistic way - but in an accepting way. that we are all given different skills and talents - so why waste mine trying to be someone else?
10. someone i share interests, hobbies, and passions with. whether it's travel, food, fitness, reading, intellectual conversations, pets, the outdoors. someone who shares my taste in music and movies, and that i can spend an entire day with and not get bored of somewhere in between. 
11. someone who doesn't take or give bullshit. from anyone or from me. who will call my bluff and tell me straight to my face if i try to emotionally manipulate him. who can take my bluntness and honesty. who doesn't ever try to sweet talk me because he knows it will never work in a million years. 
12. someone i can learn from and who is willing to learn from me. who's a little bit ahead of me in some ways (slightly smarter and slightly fitter are non-negotiables), so i can learn from him. yet someone who's humble enough to learn from me in other ways.  
13. someone who possesses the strength and courage to be all the above - but at the same time, it is a strength that comes from gentleness - from all that is good and beautiful. a strength that comes from believing in hope and goodness and mercy and grace, from a realisation that in spite of whatever life throws his way, he is abundantly blessed. someone who lives out of that truth and knows that his life is directed by a higher source. 
14. someone i can be sad with. someone whom, after having an absolutely shit day (yes, even strong people have shit days), i can come back to and dissolve into tears, knowing i'll be held, without a word. someone who doesn't try to fix me or cheer me up, who doesn't expect happy and perky all the damn time. someone who equally, is vulnerable enough to let me in when he's not doing so well. 
15. someone who gets along with my parents and siblings and whose parents and siblings i can get along with. likewise with groups of friends, to steal a line from spice girls. 
16. someone taller than me (not a very demanding ask, given my height) and someone preferably asian. 
17. someone who can speak proper english sans malaysian accent if the situation calls for it - but who is perfectly at home conversing in a mamak as well. 
18. someone who's a closet romantic like me. who's not into PDA, cute-sy names, or couple tees, but into long, slow kissing, back rubs, cuddling, walks on the beach, watching sunrises together, and handwritten love letters. 
19. someone who likes what i write - and understands that i write because i need to - just like some people need to climb, need to sing, need to start their own business, need to go into a certain profession. who doesn't ask inane questions like how do i find so much time to write. 
20. finally, i want an explorer, wanderer, dreamer. someone to go on all sorts of adventures with together, to take crazy risks and leaps of faith with, and to go all-out crazy about living like we have the world at our feet. 

i'm not asking for the moon... am i?

maybe...

maybe he tries to sleep but ends up tossing and turning, unable to get her out of his head and wondering if he should make a move.

maybe she doesn't try to fall asleep because she knows it's no use, so she pictures his kind eyes and gentle smile and thinks it's crazy to feel that way about someone she barely knows.

maybe he thinks he doesn't stand a chance with her.

maybe she thinks she's not his type.

maybe he wonders if she'll care about the same things he cares about, when she has so much to care about already.

maybe she wonders if she has what it takes to support all his dreams and ambitions, without compromising her own.

maybe he tells himself it's foolish to try to fight for her attention when she already has so much on her mind.

maybe she tries to turn her thoughts to other things but they keep coming back to the same thing.

maybe they're both afraid, because they've been hurt before. maybe they'll never know how much time they spend in each others' thoughts because they've never found the courage to say something.

maybe everything else before this has been leading up to them finding one another. maybe all they need to do is give it one more shot to discover that maybe all the silent prayers and choked sighs and disappointments before this have been meant to lead them to this.

maybe... someday?

for what little we have to give

“I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter.

We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.

For wanderers, dreamers, and lovers, for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful. It is for those who are too gentle to live among wolves.”

-James Kavanaugh, There Are Men Too Gentle to Live Among Wolves

why i write

it's been some time since i've taken my reflective writing seriously - and what lovely motivation it is to continue writing when people take the time to leave comments (it's been a long while since i've had comments to approve!).

this is why i write. to know that i am not alone in my searching for meaning and purpose, to know that who i am makes a difference to other people.

dear 16 year old me...

// inspired by similar posts by Emily of Chatting At the Sky and Jeff Goins.

dear 16 year old me,

that boy six years older than you that you will meet this year is not worth your time, your heart, or your emotions. yet you will give him all of it and then some more, because you genuinely believe he is the one. but someday you will learn that a real man with pure intentions doesn't text 16 year old girls telling them he is imagining what they look like in the shower. or try to persuade and coerce you into doing things you don't want to do, making you believe that if you really loved him, you would.

by the time you finally gather up the courage to walk away, you will feel incredibly disillusioned by boys and you will make choices you will regret because you will fall for the lie that all boys are after is one thing, and you desperately want to be loved. but even more heartbreaking than that is that you will become incredibly jaded for the longest time about church, because that boy was a leader in church and yet..., because no one in church stood up for you, because how could God let this happen to you... and the reasons will never seem to end.

you will go through the motions of church and here and there, experience glimpses and tastes of forgiveness and healing... but you will still struggle for the longest time with resenting the church and the hypocrites in it. until you discover that you are one yourself. 

dear 16 year old me,

right now, you think appearances are everything. so you work out, you count your calories, you keep up your image of being a 'good girl'. but nobody's made to be superhuman. when you put all that pressure on yourself, sooner or later something's going to give. and you will give. you will give in to the pressure to conform. the pressure to live up to other people's expectations. the pressure to give bits and pieces of yourself and your heart in exchange for feeling temporarily wanted by someone else.

you will let your heart be broken. and to deal with it, you will break other people's hearts. and when you finally realise what a mess you've made of your life, you will fall apart. you will lose your way. you will feel like you don't know who you are anymore. that's what happens when you try to listen to so many voices, try to please so many people, and ignore that still, small voice inside of you.

but you know what? in falling apart, you will be able to finally let go of the walls you've built around yourself, and fall into the arms of grace, compassion, and One who's always been there. you will discover what it means to forgive once you understand how much you have been forgiven.

dear 16 year old me,

even though you will encounter grace and love and new beginnings, old habits tend to die hard. there you will go, chasing boy after boy after boy. and one day, you will realise that staying with someone just so you have company to eat dinner with or someone to drive you home are pretty shitty reasons to stay with someone. someday, you're going to realise that you don't want a relationship that is going to pull you away from the things you love. it will hit you that you can be more lonely being with the wrong person than being alone.

you will live on your own in the UK for a year (yes, believe it or not, i know that you don't think your parents can afford to send you to even a local university, but things will fall into place, and that dream of studying abroad? it'll become reality, trust me), and while you will hate coming home to an empty house night after night, that experience will teach you how to be alone.

it will also teach you that you are only as alone as you want to be. there are friends all around you, waiting to be made. you don't need one person to be your everything. it is impossible for one person to be your everything. so go on out there. meet new people. find that friend you can do late night talks about life and love and bake cookies with. find the other who challenges your faith and asks you the tough questions. find that mentor who will help you grow. find someone you can be stupid with.

dear 16 year old me,

you put a lot of unnecessary limitations on yourself, you know? you believe everyone has a 'type'. you think you're not the sporty type. or the social type. but those are just excuses. one day, you're going to discover running and climbing, and you will find that it feels like flying, and you will be absolutely addicted to it. one day, you will discover your voice, and you will learn to use your your conversations to inspire and lead.

dear 16 year old me,

if i could leave you with one piece of advice, it would be this: the size of your heart will determine the size of your life. the world will try to frighten you, toughen you, shame you, numb you... but if you stay soft, tender, open, and yielding, while remaining fiercely passionate, honest, and determined, life will give you all that you want and you will find everything you are looking for and more. live generously, and freely.

love,

22 year old me

fellow travelers and wanderers, kindred spirits and soulmates

All rights reserved by julianbialowas

it's half past midnight and i am supposed to be finishing up a document for a meeting tomorrow, but port blue is playing and it's making me all thoughtful and reflective... and grateful, really, for this journey i'm on. for the places i've been and am going, and the people i've met and am getting to know.

one of the things coming back to malaysia has really taught me in the past year is family. community. and family is wherever you are. it's the people around you that you sometimes don't agree with, or click with, or get along with. but people you choose to invest in because despite your differences, you share common dreams, goals, values. people you may not understand at first, but because you choose to invest in them, they eventually become people you find yourself being able to depend on, and people you grow to love.

as a great teacher (and acquaintance) put it: "...putting time/effort/money into something you love is never a waste. you will always gain something from it that feeds your spirit."

i've written a lot about my newfound obsessions in this season of my life. but what i haven't talked about yet is the people i've met through it - fellow travelers and wanderers, kindred spirits and soulmates. i don't know yet if i believe in soulmates when it comes to life partners... but i do believe that there are multiple soulmates out there for each of us - as in people you feel comfortable with, as though you've known them forever in another life maybe - people that you can instantly connect with, that inspire you to do more that you've ever thought possible. people that coming into contact with just sets your soul on fire.

lately, i've been realising how selfishly i've been living. i'd been thinking that for the important relationships in my life to work, i needed to cut back on all other relationships. for some reason or another, i felt like i had to segregate my life, my time, and my emotions, into different parts, for different people.

and then it hit me that living generously doesn't work that way. the more people you open up to and connect with, the more people you are able to continue doing so with. as tony parsons writes, "the heart always makes room." and vice versa - the more you live to please a specific amount of people, the more you please no one.

in the last few weeks alone, i've had conversations with old, longtime friends, and new ones. i've climbed with people i met through random circumstances and had coffee with people i've known for years.

and there's something so beautiful about watching someone's eyes light up, someone's hands gesture excitedly, someone's eyes meet yours knowingly, recognising someone else who has journeyed a similar path -

- when they talk about something they love, something that makes them angry, something that drives them, something they're looking for. i love honest conversations with people about the stuff they live for... or the questions they wrestle with when they wake up every day. is this the life i want? why am i here? is there more to this? what is my purpose?

i look around me and realise that so many people sleepwalk through life. they look good on the outside, things seem to be going well for them, they're the life of the party everywhere they go - but they live for speed, not direction. it's rare to find people who will go through the difficult, messy, oftentimes discouraging and painful process of searching and discovering where they fit into this world and what their life's purpose is.

to encounter people who are in that process of searching for and discovering the answer - to see the fire in their eyes and hear the conviction in their voice - fuels my own fire and strengthens my own conviction - that this life, although dangerous and wild, is so beautiful, and so worth living. this journey, this expedition, this climb, although difficult and frightening, is so satisfying, so worth the struggle.

most people want to be surrounded by people that make them feel good. that feed their ego or benefit them in some way. i want to be surrounded by people who scare me. who challenge me. who drive me to do difficult things. i want to be surrounded people who have set themselves on fire so i can catch fire too. i want to be surrounded by people who will change the world because they have the courage to change themselves so i can learn from their courage. i want to be surrounded by people who live, so i can be inspired to live too. 

run. climb. risk.

All rights reserved by julianbialowas

sore muscles. aching core. pure catharsis. absolute freedom. 

there is so much release, joy, and freedom in pushing your body to its limits. in discovering your limits - and then pushing them further. there is so much perspective in overcoming challenges you never thought you could conquer - it puts you in your place and humbles you. it makes you realise that so much is possible, and good god, what other possibilities could be there just waiting to be encountered? 

everything else fades away to calm. clarity. perspective. there's nothing to vent or complain about. all frustrations and pent-up emotions disappear and i'm left with a stupid smile of pure satisfaction. there is so much truth in knowing where you stand and what your strengths and weaknesses are. there is no way to fake it. there's nobody i need to validate me. my improvements validate themselves. and i feel weak... yet strong in knowing what my weaknesses are - because i know exactly what i need to target next. 

life is beautiful and pure again. because my soul, the window through which i look at life, is free. pure. cleansed. 

#yolo: current obsessions

right now, i'm obsessed with these things:

running

there is something about the discipline and endurance that is required for running that helps me get more centered and grounded. the routine of hitting the pavement, one step at a time, one foot in front of the next, over and over again, while keeping your mind and eyes fixed on a goal in the distance or on the runner in front that you're pacing yourself against, does something to the spirit - it reminds me that despite the grind, i don't have to have to let myself be worn down, that i have it in me to press on. that feeling of exhausting yourself only to discover you have the 'second wind' inside you is exhilarating.

climbing

i started climbing a month ago and while i am still extremely new to the sport and have only climbed indoors so far, i am absolutely hooked. there's something about the community of climbers that i find incredibly captivating. their enthusiasm and passion for life and for challenging themselves to surpass their limits, combined with their willingness to teach and share what they've learned, is something i find incredibly rare in other sports. i find among them a spirit of generosity - of self, of time. perhaps it is because when you climb, you're trusting your belayer with quite literally, your life. there is so much support, encouragement, and camaraderie among climbers versus more competitive sports, where trash-talking is often the status quo.

before i tried it, i used to see climbing as a purely physical sport - as it requires much strength to pull yourself up the rocks. now i realise how mentally challenging - and incredibly fun - it is as well. the challenge of figuring out how to complete a route, of identifying which holds will get you up the wall, of balancing your weight, and of trusting your holds is often more mental than it is physical.

french

i love words. i especially love words that carry significant meanings that no words in my native language can properly express. and i find many of those words in the french language - it is, after all, considered one of the most romantic languages. the accent, the pronunciations, the way the words are strung together, the way the direct translation of "i miss you" is actually "you are missing from me", the way people never say "nice to meet you", but rather, "enchantée", or "enchanted to meet you" - is so profound, so expressive, so absolutely beautiful.

i believe the language and words we use shape a lot of our lives, and how thoughtlessly or mindfully a person uses their words says a lot about them. i believe there is so much beauty to be felt in this life, and while words may never fully be able to capture all that beauty, it is possible to use words that come closer to doing so than others.

***

i am incredibly bad at the above things, despite the fact that they are my major obsessions at the moment, and not a day goes by that i don't at least think about them.

but i think about the things i love doing (and consider myself decently good at, like writing, baking, and driving), and remember that once upon a time, i was terribly bad at them too. the only reason i got good was because i stuck at them.

and so, even though i don't speak fluent french nor have i run a full marathon or started climbing by grades, i'm reminding myself to stick at it. because if right now i suck at these things, yet doing them gives me such incredible satisfaction and puts the silliest smiles on my faces, i can't image what the feeling will be like when i start getting good at them.

a friend shared this 9gag post with me which i find incredibly profound (thanks khairie!):

#yolo
here is something true: one day you will be dead.
here is something false: you only live once.
it takes about 7 years to master something.
if you live to be 88, after age 11, you have 11 opportunities to be good at something.
these are your lifetimes.
most people never let themselves die.
some are afraid of death.
"i'm only trained to do one thing, and if i'm not doing it... then what am i?"
some think they are already ghosts.
"i was good at basketball, but then i hurt my ankle. now i spend most of my time mentally simulating a reality where that didn't happen."
but you have many lives.
spend a life writing poems. spend another building things. spend a life looking for facts. "how?" and another looking for truth. "why?"
these are your lifetimes. use them.

so here's to the obsessions ahead. here's to starting again, at level 0 - beginner. here's to not being afraid to learn from others who are better than you. here's to rejecting the lie that old dogs can't learn new tricks and that talent trumps practice and skill. here's to the lifetimes ahead. 

#yolo

"...the reason i’ve stopped liking blogging is this new and unwelcome paranoia and stinginess of spirit. i often find myself looking over a blogpost before publishing it, and thinking, no, i’m saying too much. or, i don’t owe anyone all these words and exposure — i don’t even owe them to myself! and then i delete it. but still longing to write, i wonder then about what kind of things i can write about that are consistent with my new misanthropy. candid and superficial updates about the day-to-day? pictures of food and travel? or the opposite: oblique thoughts on things i care deeply about but referred to tangentially and indirectly? i eventually settled on none of the above.

for a while i thought this was clever and that in time to come i would thank myself for phasing out the young and idealistic me who put so much of herself on the internet or in other people’s hands. some small shred of me still believes this. but i don’t know lah. the more i go down this path of losing my extraversion, the further away i feel from my locus. surely there must be some compromise that is both careful but allows me to be totally honest with myself about what i like and who i am. the crux of this strange newness is not merely about blogging or talking, or the risk/reward of sharing big parts of me with people i love or people i don’t know — it’s also about how little inclined i felt to interact with anything, how risk averse i had become, and worst of all, how i felt like i had all the answers to all the questions i wanted to ask and thus did not need to look any further. i was becoming disinterested, fatigued and hateful, and for some reason i felt that was okay, and that it was all part of growing up." -quaintly.net

***

she just described my life. and i guess that's why i do these things that disorient me, that push me out of my comfort zone and into the scary, unfamiliar unknown. i used to be a much bigger risk taker than i am now. somehow, i've been allowing myself to accept that becoming stable, safe, and reliable was all a part of growing up and yet i'm not ready to fully accept that as the rule for growing up yet. maybe for most people it is but surely it doesn't have to be for everyone?

i used to be known as the girl who had an opinion about everything and what frightens me these days is that i have opinions about nothing. when you start working, your circles in KL become too small, is what i tell people. you have to say the right things, never offend people, give diplomatic answers, and try not to piss anyone off. otherwise once you get a rep, it's incredibly hard to shake off. but anyone who's tried to be a people-pleaser would know that it never works out. you just disappear into yourself, trying to fit yourself into everyone's mold, until you don't know who you are anymore.

i'm tired of that. and that's why this blog is coming alive again. along with my couchsurfing profile. along with random, spontaneous coffee dates and long conversations about life and meaning. i may be growing up... but that doesn't mean i'm ready to grow old yet. there's still too much i don't know about life, and i want to experience the answers first-hand for myself, instead of taking someone else's word for it. or worse, not even caring. 

let's go to space

"come see what my kids did!" aunty kim beckoned excitedly, laughing as she wrapped her arms around one of the little boys giggling beside her.

"they were showing me space! they said, aunty kim, want to go to space?!?"

i quickly ran over to see what was going on. the lights in the boys dorm were all switched off. the surrounding area was pitch dark by then, as the phnom penh village still had limited access to electricity. yet it was too early for these boys to possibly be sleeping. what could they be up to?

i reached the window of one of the dorms and peered in.

space.

it was like i'd peered into a vortex of a million and one brightly glowing stars. stars everywhere i looked - on the walls, the ceilings, the floor. i couldn't help but gasp at how beautiful it all was, until i was quickly distracted by little boys jumping from the top of one bunk bed to another, fighting each other with lightsabers.

and then it caught my eye. how the magic all started.

a bunch of genius little boys had cut open the tubes of the glo-sticks we had given them earlier and were proceeding to fling their glowing contents everywhere and on everyone. there were little glowing aliens running around everywhere chasing each other with glo-juice on their backs, laughing hysterically.

it was impossible not to burst out laughing too.

the lost boys, was what immediately came to my head. carefree, wild, and full of spirit, just like the boys in peter pan.

and then i walked over to peer into the next dorm, and the scene changed. one of the boys waved at me and shouted, "see our club! we're going clubbing!"

a portable speaker complete with glowing led lights then suddenly made an appearance out of nowhere, and started pumping out club hits. a ring quickly formed around a group of little boys who were dropping some sick dance moves as they faced off in the circle. the glo-juice harvesters had made it to the club too, and were flinging sparkly, glowing liquid over the dancers.

only in cambodia.

these kids barely saw their familes. barely had a place to call home. on the surface, it seemed like they had next to nothing, but maybe, looking closer, they had everything that was needed for a good life.

a heart full of gratitude. for food in their bellies and a place to sleep. but more importantly, people around them to love and be loved by.

maybe they even had more. i mean, how many city kids would be able to do what they just did, i thought. fling glo-juice everywhere and not get the whacking of their lives? maybe these kids know more about joy and contentment than our city kids with all the gadgets, toys, and amusements that money can buy.

i want what these kids have, i thought to myself. to own no things - but to own everything.

to spend days filled with laughter, spontaneity, company, merriment, imagination. to wake up on a hard wooden bunk bed one morning and go to space at night.

i want to experience life like that.

simple. eyes washed in wonder.