Today, I run because I love

Today, I run because I love running. Not always in a 'running makes me feel amazing!' kind of way, but in an 'I know this is good for me, and so even though sometimes it hurts, I trust that it will make me better' kind of way.

I don't think I was looking to fall in love with running. I don't think anyone who falls in love with anything (or anyone for that matter) goes out looking to see if this is something they could fall in love with. Just like how love often happens, just like it finds you more than you really find it, running found me.

And I didn't just fall in love with running - it has also taught me how to love better.

A year and a half ago, I couldn't run 5km to save my life. Today, I set a new record for the furthest distance I ran on my own. A year ago, if you told me I'd have the discipline to wake up before the sun rises, drive out to the highway, and run 14km straight, I would have doubted myself. In fact, I wondered if I actually had the mental energy to keep running through those kilometers.

To me, love is a lot like that. Sometimes I wonder how I will find the strength and courage to love fearlessly and selflessly, but when I take that first step I find that I'm capable of more than I thought.

Today as I ran, I tried my best to keep a steady pace, but just as there were ups and downs in the route, there were dips and peaks in my pacing. But I know I'm a better runner today than I was when I started, and that's what keeps me going, be it in running, or in learning to love people. There will be highs and lows, there will be days you wake up and just don't feel up to it, but you keep doing it, because you know that the satisfaction at the end of the journey will be so worth it. 

Today, I run because I know who owns me

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." // Philippians 3:12-14

Today, I run because it reminds me who owns me. It reminds me that I am not owned by my fears, my insecurities, my worries, other people's opinions, or the pressures and stress of this world, though sometimes it may feel that way. I am owned by Christ. And because He has taken hold of me, I am able to master my days, my emotions, my body.

I'm able to own tough runs, knowing they will make me stronger. I'm able to own tough days, knowing that there's still tomorrow to look forward to. I'm able to own the self-doubt that threatens to fill my mind and distract me, knowing where my security is found.

I run because it reminds me that I don't have to be mastered by things that weigh me down, that I am mastered by the only true giver of life, and that it will always be an uphill climb, but because of who owns me, I have strength enough to keep pressing on towards discovering His destiny and plan for me.

Today's inspiration: 

Popou

Today, I run because I'm free

This week, I started training seriously for the next few half marathons I have coming up, and if all goes well, I'm aiming for a full before the end of this year. It's quite scary typing this out, because at this point, it's a goal that I don't know if I'll be able to achieve. And it's scary saying these goals out loud, because then your words hold you accountable to achieving them.

I've put together a training calendar for myself - and while taken a day at a time, the miles are not too overwhelming, but when you look at the weeks and weeks of increasing mileage combined, it can be quite daunting. I don't doubt that with the proper training my legs can run those miles... it's more of whether I'll have the discipline to consistently wake up before the sun rises, morning after morning, on good days or on bad days, lace up my shoes, and just run.

To keep me motivated, I've decided to give myself a reason for every run I do. One simple reason to keep one foot landing in front of the other, a different reason every day - to remind myself why this day matters, why this run matters, why this moment matters.

So today, I run because I'm not the same girl I was at 16. At 16, I thought I had it all figured out, but I was naive and foolish. I didn't know how to say no to bad influences, to people who would take advantage of me, to distractions, to unhealthy obsessions.

Today, I run because those things no longer own me or control me or dictate who I am.

Today, I run because I know how to say 'no'. And in saying no, I find the strength to say 'yes' to life, 'yes' to owning myself.

Today, I run because I'm stronger today than I was yesterday. 

who owns my mornings?

"Who owns our mornings? 

When we wake up.. how much time do we allow ourselves before letting our minds wander like stray ponies? 

Do we rush off into our day..? or do we linger a moment in place that belongs entirely to our soul - an embrace with our breath, with our being here, with our own skin, our own eyes, our own hands and voice. 

Often times, I am too distracted to give myself this gift.. to spend a few moments remembering my condition; my impermanence, my dying, my undeserved still here." // andrew tipton, for the love of motion

i once read a quote somewhere: "runners wake up before the sun rises."

part of the beauty of running, for me, is the waking up before the sun rises. is seeing the world from a different perspective, watching sunlight creep through treetops and in between buildings and illuminate the road you're on. is rounding a bend and coming across a sunrise in full blaze framed by the twin towers, or watching an eagle spread its magnificent wings above you. is passing joggers on their morning routes and that moment of recognising - ah, here's another fellow traveler - when your eyes meet, and you smile or nod - or maybe if you're the type, run over to give a high five. ;) the beauty of waking up early is hearing the things you never would hear, stuck in a car in a traffic jam - birds chirping, leaves rustling... even hearing yourself breathe brings you back to how frail we all are and to the startling impermanence of life. you don't need to travel to discover the sudden moments that take your breath away... they come, often, when you're not looking for them. i've encountered moments of astounding clarity, double rainbows, and powerful life lessons quite unexpectedly, on the road.

it is so easy to get caught up in the rush and bustle of the daily 9 - 6 grind that we forget there is stillness and quiet and little miracles waiting to unfold in every single day. it is so easy to get so caught up in productivity and achievement that we forget how fragile we are, how fleeting this life is. to me, owning my mornings - whether it's waking up before the sun rises to run, or waking up before the morning traffic builds up to spend some quiet time alone in the office - is the lifeblood of living intentionally. owning my mornings and determining the pace at which i will begin - and continue - my day is a rebellion against the noise and distraction that tells me i should do more, push harder, or slow down, take it easy... anything that would threaten to pull me away from the pace i know is right for me.

i picked up a book recently that talked about the importance of flow. too few challenges and we end up bored, apathetic, and unstimulated. too many challenges, and we drive ourselves towards burnout and running on empty. flow is the delicate balance between both extremes. finding that balance involves both discipline and acceptance. discipline to push through challenges - when you know you can. acceptance of your limits - when you know you've reached them. it's trusting the stiller, quieter, deeper, inner voice instead of what's going on all around you. flow is when you wake up in the morning - ready for the day ahead; and when you close your eyes at night - having made peace with everything that has taken place in that day, and in anticipation for the next day.

***

this morning's listening:



“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” -Matthew 11:28-30

run. climb. risk.

All rights reserved by julianbialowas

sore muscles. aching core. pure catharsis. absolute freedom. 

there is so much release, joy, and freedom in pushing your body to its limits. in discovering your limits - and then pushing them further. there is so much perspective in overcoming challenges you never thought you could conquer - it puts you in your place and humbles you. it makes you realise that so much is possible, and good god, what other possibilities could be there just waiting to be encountered? 

everything else fades away to calm. clarity. perspective. there's nothing to vent or complain about. all frustrations and pent-up emotions disappear and i'm left with a stupid smile of pure satisfaction. there is so much truth in knowing where you stand and what your strengths and weaknesses are. there is no way to fake it. there's nobody i need to validate me. my improvements validate themselves. and i feel weak... yet strong in knowing what my weaknesses are - because i know exactly what i need to target next. 

life is beautiful and pure again. because my soul, the window through which i look at life, is free. pure. cleansed. 

#yolo: current obsessions

right now, i'm obsessed with these things:

running

there is something about the discipline and endurance that is required for running that helps me get more centered and grounded. the routine of hitting the pavement, one step at a time, one foot in front of the next, over and over again, while keeping your mind and eyes fixed on a goal in the distance or on the runner in front that you're pacing yourself against, does something to the spirit - it reminds me that despite the grind, i don't have to have to let myself be worn down, that i have it in me to press on. that feeling of exhausting yourself only to discover you have the 'second wind' inside you is exhilarating.

climbing

i started climbing a month ago and while i am still extremely new to the sport and have only climbed indoors so far, i am absolutely hooked. there's something about the community of climbers that i find incredibly captivating. their enthusiasm and passion for life and for challenging themselves to surpass their limits, combined with their willingness to teach and share what they've learned, is something i find incredibly rare in other sports. i find among them a spirit of generosity - of self, of time. perhaps it is because when you climb, you're trusting your belayer with quite literally, your life. there is so much support, encouragement, and camaraderie among climbers versus more competitive sports, where trash-talking is often the status quo.

before i tried it, i used to see climbing as a purely physical sport - as it requires much strength to pull yourself up the rocks. now i realise how mentally challenging - and incredibly fun - it is as well. the challenge of figuring out how to complete a route, of identifying which holds will get you up the wall, of balancing your weight, and of trusting your holds is often more mental than it is physical.

french

i love words. i especially love words that carry significant meanings that no words in my native language can properly express. and i find many of those words in the french language - it is, after all, considered one of the most romantic languages. the accent, the pronunciations, the way the words are strung together, the way the direct translation of "i miss you" is actually "you are missing from me", the way people never say "nice to meet you", but rather, "enchantée", or "enchanted to meet you" - is so profound, so expressive, so absolutely beautiful.

i believe the language and words we use shape a lot of our lives, and how thoughtlessly or mindfully a person uses their words says a lot about them. i believe there is so much beauty to be felt in this life, and while words may never fully be able to capture all that beauty, it is possible to use words that come closer to doing so than others.

***

i am incredibly bad at the above things, despite the fact that they are my major obsessions at the moment, and not a day goes by that i don't at least think about them.

but i think about the things i love doing (and consider myself decently good at, like writing, baking, and driving), and remember that once upon a time, i was terribly bad at them too. the only reason i got good was because i stuck at them.

and so, even though i don't speak fluent french nor have i run a full marathon or started climbing by grades, i'm reminding myself to stick at it. because if right now i suck at these things, yet doing them gives me such incredible satisfaction and puts the silliest smiles on my faces, i can't image what the feeling will be like when i start getting good at them.

a friend shared this 9gag post with me which i find incredibly profound (thanks khairie!):

#yolo
here is something true: one day you will be dead.
here is something false: you only live once.
it takes about 7 years to master something.
if you live to be 88, after age 11, you have 11 opportunities to be good at something.
these are your lifetimes.
most people never let themselves die.
some are afraid of death.
"i'm only trained to do one thing, and if i'm not doing it... then what am i?"
some think they are already ghosts.
"i was good at basketball, but then i hurt my ankle. now i spend most of my time mentally simulating a reality where that didn't happen."
but you have many lives.
spend a life writing poems. spend another building things. spend a life looking for facts. "how?" and another looking for truth. "why?"
these are your lifetimes. use them.

so here's to the obsessions ahead. here's to starting again, at level 0 - beginner. here's to not being afraid to learn from others who are better than you. here's to rejecting the lie that old dogs can't learn new tricks and that talent trumps practice and skill. here's to the lifetimes ahead.