Struggling with letting go of a dream I thought I would spend the next few years chasing. It was only a short and brief few months I spent pursuing the dream of owning a cafe and now I'm having to refocus and figure out what to do next. This dream may not be a "never", but it's definitely not a "right now". But it's challenging when you're trying to make a good business succeed in the sort of economy we live in, coupled with lack of experience and limited capital to run with. It's tough, knowing everyone had cheered with you to see you finally chase a dream you've held for years - and then having to backtrack and explain to people that the dream has to be put on hold for now.
Struggling with moving on from one full-time job, to freelancing and juggling two part-time jobs. I remind myself of the reason I'm so passionate about owning and running my own business - to make more time for family by being able to manage my time better. But I'm quickly realizing that even when you're your own boss, if you've spent a lifetime cultivating the habit of being a people pleaser, even though you think you have control of your time you still end up frittering it away, trying to make everyone happy. And that reality is a tough pill to swallow.
I'm struggling with being newly married and trying to deal with all these changes at the same time. There are days, although they feel few and far in between, where it does feel like the "honeymoon period" people so often talk about. But the truth is, most of the time, it feels like I've been thrown into the hard, gritty work of trying to make a marriage work and deal with life at the same time right from the get go. In my naive idealistic teenage dreams, I'd take a month off work to prepare and plan for my wedding. I ended up working through all these other life transitions and my wedding came in second. I told myself it's just "one day", and I know in the long run I might be proud of choosing to focus on other important things instead of planning a fairytale wedding, but right now, it's hard not to compare myself to every other bride who seems to have all the time in the world to hand make her decorations, accessories, bouquets, and so on.
I'm struggling with dealing with an eczema flare up that has now lasted for seven months. All the above transitions has stressed me out so much that no matter how much money I spend on creams, supplements, watching my diet, and going for skin calming facials, the redness and itchiness still doesn't go away. I had make up not only on my face, but on my hands the day I walked down the aisle because of my eczema. Did I look beautiful? With make up on and in pictures, perhaps. Did I feel beautiful? No. I felt like I was hiding.
I've been struggling with getting enough sleep. I toss and turn for hours before falling asleep and I struggle with getting up in the morning because my bed seems much more appealing than trying to deal with another day of slathering creams over myself, trying not to compare myself to every other beautiful person I know, trying not to be overwhelmed by all the sadness and loss in the world, trying to take care of myself better and not always be so worried about what people think, and just trying to stay positive and strong.
I've been struggling with just getting older and having more to deal with. As a teen, even though I had wild mood swings and periods of aimlessness as well, I always managed to bounce back and stay optimistic. But I realize now I had so much help from parents, mentors, and leaders who kept constantly checking in on me.
I'm struggling with being an adult. As an adult, it often feels like I can't be the one whining anymore, and I'm supposed to have a few more things figured out, be looking out for others, instead of just letting others look out for me. As an adult, it's harder to admit that you're struggling. Because it's seen as a sign of weakness and incompetence and everyone, friend or acquaintance, could eventually become someone you work with or do business with - and work is he last place you want to be seen as weak. I struggle, yes, but I still get up and get the job done as little as I feel like it. I just wish it was okay to admit that more often.
I'm struggling with saying the right things, expressing it the right way, and trying to make people understand that it's not any one thing in particular, that I'm not being withdrawn for no reason, that I'm not avoiding lengthy conversations because I don't want to talk to you, but because I don't know how to honestly answer the question "How are you?", and that I'd really like to explain all this but I don't know how or where to start - except through writing.
So this is my start at trying to explain what feels like the longest year of my life so far.
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