2012 thankfulness

this morning, i received the most ridiculously encouraging text message from a dear friend, Jon, telling me how appreciated i was, and reminding me that today is thanksgiving day!

it's incredible what a boost a little bit of appreciation can be. so in the spirit of gratitude, here's a (non-comprehensive) list of some of the things i am most thankful for this year.

1. inspiring friends & mentors // who challenge me to be better and live fuller and make the most of my potential. who don't necessarily tell me the things i want to hear, but that i need to hear. i wrote in my scholarship application essay, and my your big year essay, that who i am is a result of many different people's investments into me. one of my favourite quotes is that of john of salisbury: "if i have seen a little further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants." every time someone tells me that i'm an inspiration to them, i tell them that it is only because so many people have invested in me, believed in me, spoken into my life, and built me up. 
2. frogasia // a workplace where not only my skills and talents are nurtured, where i feel valued and like i have something to contribute, but that more importantly, is in sync with my values + crazy inspiring, fun, and encouraging colleagues. 
3. after-alpha // a group of incredibly talented, smart, and passionate young working adults who desire so much to know and experience God firsthand in the midst of the challenges of being a young adult in the 21st century. 
4. running // from discipline to learning to be bold about what i stand for, from learning to enjoy the mundane parts of the journey to finishing strong, running has taught me so much about endurance, patience, and finding joy in the journey. 
5. home // one of the things i struggled with last year was feeling rooted - to my family, my country, my communities. i found that when i chose to stop focusing on all the ways i didn't fit in, people didn't understand me, and i chose to actually be deliberate in investing into my relationships, in every sphere of my life, i started to find home everywhere. at work, at home, at play, at church. i found myself going from feeling like nobody understood me and like i had nothing to add to another person's life, to feeling completely interconnected to those around me. 
6. struggles // most of all, i'm so grateful for all the struggles, tears, and fears because they've taught me so much more than the good times what it means to live with a perspective that is eternal. what it means to be able to see the bigger picture, the bigger vision, that makes everything else pale in comparison and makes you able to put up with or go through anything, because you know you're on the right track to something greater. that's an absolutely priceless conviction that nothing else in this world can compare to. 

so blessed. 

so grateful. 

my cup runs over. 

wip

These past two months has been nothing short of amazing - but at the same time, so challenging as well. It’s seen me reaching for - and accomplishing - things I would have never seen myself doing and feeling like I’m growing so much in the process. It’s also seen me wrestling with a lot of self-doubt and fear. It’s seen me crumbling into tears more times than I’ve ever cried in the rest of the year so far - because I suddenly didn’t think I could handle the things that I was facing.

I’ve never depended so much on the support and encouragement of people around me, or on desperate prayers and long journal entries. It’s only because of those things that I can say that as challenging, tiring and draining as the past two months have been, they’ve also been so fulfilling, rewarding... and so good for me.

It’s made me confront a lot of things I’d been running from, like past mistakes and struggles, and fears and worries about the future. It’s reminded me to be present  - to live in the now and to cherish and live each moment to the fullest. As Josh Foong, an old friend I recently caught up with, put it, “We shouldn’t live with regrets... because the choices we made at any given point in time were likely the best ones we could have made, given what we knew, given our maturity, and given the situation.”

The past two months have taught me more about what it means to open up to people - to have people around you believe in you and cheer you on. I think hearing someone tell you they’re proud of you makes any challenge worth overcoming, just to hear those simple words. These two months have also reminded me so much about what it means to trust and depend on a higher source of strength when I’ve come to the end of my rope.

Reading through my old journals, it often feels like I’m learning and relearning the same lessons over and over again - but I know that each time I relearn an old lesson, I’m becoming that little bit better at dealing with it.

It’s such a welcome relief to know that in all my struggling and striving, I can rest and be at peace, and take things one step at a time, because He doesn’t expect me to have all the strength and maturity and patience and grace in the world to do everything perfectly. (I often, unrealistically, expect that of myself!) He sees me as a work in progress - as His work in progress, not mine - and He’s in no rush, as I am, to refine me, shape me, and perfect me.

On days when I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and feeling crazy overwhelmed by responsibility and expectation, He reminds me of this by sending amazing people my way, who gently remind me that, “You need to let go. You need to give yourself a break. You need to stop being so hard on yourself. You’re doing okay.”

“He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” // Phil 1:6

“It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure.” // Ps 18:32

I want to always be able to stand on this truth of what He says about me, on days when my emotions lie to me and tell me I’m not doing a good enough job, that I’m not capable, or that I’ll never measure up. I’m praying that you’ll be able to do the same too. 

2012 reflections: #1 - the more you give, the more you receive

I've decided to take some time at the start of every week for the rest of the year to reflect on some of the most important things I've learnt in the past year. I think it's so important to take the time to slow down and process the experiences we've been through, to learn from them, to ask ourselves how those lessons can help us move forward better, and just to celebrate them and share them with others who have gone through or are going through similar things. 

The more you give, the more you receive. Sharing of yourself - of your time, your energy, your idea, your resources - always leaves you with more than you started out with.

I used to see life as a competition - but I now realise that every time we help someone else get ahead, every time we help someone else move on, every time we help someone else succeed - their achievements and successes never undermine or subtract from our own - but in fact add to it and multiply it. I used to pride myself on being self-sufficient. “I’m the type that works better alone,” I always told myself. But the past year taught me how precious community and teamwork is.

I remember coming back from the UK last year, and feeling absolutely disconnected from everyone and everything. And I remember praying, quite half-heartedly, because I didn’t quite believe my prayers would be answered: “God, surround me with community that will inspire me and give me good mentors, especially female ones, who will help me to grow.”

I was just sharing how I’d prayed this with an old friend, Sarah, and she exclaimed, “But you have so many good mentors!” And the truth is, a year later, I realise how even in my doubt, God has been so good to bless me with mentors in every area of my life. Not many people have bosses who take the time to invest in them and help them to grow in their job skills, but who also actually care about what’s going on in their life. Not many people have bosses and colleagues you can not only share your work struggles with, but also your personal struggles with, that you can be totally honest with, pray with... and even shed tears in front of. In fact, not many people even have friends and family they can do that with.

A year ago, if you told me I’d be praying about things that matter - about careers, about relationships, about our walks with God - with close friends, in random cafes, if you told me I’d be running in different states in Malaysia and meeting new people from different churches and praying with them, if you told me I’d be sharing my most difficult struggles openly with my parents and having them be so understanding and supportive of me - I wouldn’t have believed it. Yet all of that is true today.

I’m so thankful, because God has been so faithful in slowly bringing, one by one, into my life, people who were kind and patient enough with me to help me slowly tear down the walls I’d built around myself. And I discovered that in letting people in, in being vulnerable, I actually found strength.

Suzen, a dear friend and CultureRun Co-Founder, whose journey this year has been such an inspiration to me, said in her TEDxYouth@KL talk: “I used to see needing other people as a weakness. As Asians, we are so obsessed with being in control. We place value on people who seem self-reliant.” She then talked about how at a difficult point in her life, when her house burned down, she realised that the idea of ‘being in control’ gives us a false sense of freedom.

She went on to say that the experience taught her how much she needed other people, and how important it was to be vulnerable and open with others. This eventually led her on a journey that would see her starting a business that would bring the community together to learn from each other and share their skills and knowledge.

As she put it: “Vulnerability is not about being weak. It’s not about giving a blow-by-blow account of your daily life on Facebook. Vulnerability... is having the courage to say ‘I’m sorry’ first. It’s about taking the risk to invest in someone else without a guarantee. It’s the ability to love without fear.”

“Community gives you strength to do what you can’t do alone.”

"Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back." // Luke 6:38

you are my hideaway

God knows exactly how much we can take, and exactly what we need, even better than we do ourselves.

the past month has been such a reminder of that truth. i've gone through challenges i never thought i'd be able to handle, i've felt totally exhausted and like i was running on empty... but He is faithful and His grace is sufficient. just when i think i'm about to burn out or crumble, little stolen pockets of time here, an encouraging word there - and i find enough to keep pressing on.

yesterday, i wasn't sure if i'd have to work through the public holiday. i'd been wanting to check out an amazing new little coffeehouse in ipoh, but i didn't want to get my hopes up. but thursday dawned bright... and it was off to ipoh! the entire day, from clear blue skies to clear stretches of highway, to a getaway from the city in a getaway car, from a quaint cafe named burps and giggles (and maybe a few actual burps and giggles), to books and journals, from great conversation over cups of coffee, to comfort food while watching a thunderstorm, from a quiet, sleepy 'lazy lane', to awe-inspiring thunder and lightning displays... everything in the day felt specially, uniquely, made for me. crafted with my name on it.

i asked for a break... but wow... little did i expect it to be such a 'me' kind of break! i was reminded again that not only does God give enough grace, strength, and love for each day... but there are times He also gives exceedingly, abundantly, more than enough.

yesterday was such a reminder of what it means to be His child. as a loving parent, He will never spoil us, and is always trying to teach us something new and help us grow out of our comfort zones. there are times we feel stretched, and tested and it seems almost beyond what we think we can bear.

yet at the same time, He is the same God who also wants to shower us so lavishly with good gifts. yet He won't do it before bringing me through a journey first... so that when He actually gives me those gifts, i know how to appreciate them. what a waste it would be to have all the finest things in the world... and be so oblivious to the source of all of them.

"You are my hiding place." -Psalm 32:7

there are a million steps

Modified from original image by Jo@net

"...life is complex, and the idea that you can break it down or fix it in a few steps is rather silly.

The truth is there are a million steps, and we don’t even know what the steps are, and worse, at any given moment we may not be willing or even able to take them; and still worse, they are different for you and me and they are always changing. 

I have come to believe the sooner we find this truth beautiful, the sooner we will fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him, teaching us to not rely on easy answers, bullet points, magic mantras, or genies in lamps, but rather rely on His guidance, His existence, His mercy, and His love."

-Donald Miller, Searching for God Knows What

as the ruin falls

Modified from original image by Alun Salt

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love—a scholar’s parrot may talk Greek—
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.
-C.S.Lewis, Poems, “As the Ruin Falls” (1st pub. 1964), pp. 109-110.

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.

-C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

the law of the harvest

mine is a generation, by and large, that has not been taught the law of the harvest.

we have been taught to get by with quick fixes, shortcuts, and instant solutions. we want to reap where we have not sown and gain success without paying the price. and for awhile, that might work. for awhile, we can appear to be successful. spend a few months in the gym, get the body we've always wanted, flirt and charm our way, get the attention we've always craved, manipulate and fight our way to the top, get the promotion and validation we seek.

but the true test of success is if what you've achieved will stand the test of time. you haven't really succeeded if a few months down the road, your exercise schedule crumbles. your relationship crumbles. your body, mind, soul burns out.

our 'success' crumbles because we have not spent the time and energy building a foundation that will ensure that all we have achieved stands strong. a foundation built from discipline, consistency, and a deep respect for one's identity, for one's role in a bigger picture.

truly successful people understand the law of the harvest. they understand that anything worth doing and anything great worth building takes time. it takes time to till the soil, to sow, nurture, and cultivate before the rewards can be reaped. it takes time to build foundations that are deeply rooted and strong enough to withstand whatever life throws their way. it takes time to develop the character and the maturity to accept full responsibility for their own lives. they have a deep sense of stewardship - they see their lives as having a greater purpose, their work as having a greater meaning - and it is their duty to cultivate and grow their potential, for the benefit of those around them. they seek to make the world a better place. 

i want to be that kind of person, to have that kind of success. i want so much to live a story worth telling. i'm not asking for a life that's easy, because that would make me like everyone else. i'm asking for a life filled with meaning and passion and purpose. i want to always keep alive the fire that keeps me pushing myself out of my comfort zone every single day. i want to own myself - not be owned by my history, my emotions, my fears, other people's opinions about me, my titles, or my situation. i want to be so certain of who i am and who He has called me to be that i can go through anything and not be shaken. 

may i never ever settle for short-sightedness, shallow living, navel-gazing, cheap thrills, or temporary satisfaction, but run relentlessly towards a truth and a freedom that lasts forever.