Wanderers and dreamers

She was a mystery, even to herself.

She was a drifter, a wanderer, a wonderer - a traveler who travelled for the sake of the journey rather than for the destination.

In the world she came from, this often meant lonely nights, like this one.

Time had taught her that these deep, haunting pangs of loneliness and longing came and went in seasons, and she had learned to embrace the uncertainty of when the next lonely spell would hit.

She learned to let these feelings roll around her, wash over her - drench her in longing and desire - for she had come to realize that human imagination was a powerful thing, and the longing for an object of desire was often more pleasurable than actually obtaining the object itself.

Still, in spite of the delicious seduction of unfulfilled longing, in spite of the fact that she didn't need a man to fulfill her and give her life meaning, she was only human, and on most lonely nights, she was just  like any other ordinary lonely girl.

Tonight, was one of those nights.

One of those nights when she'd look up into the sky, an empty, aching heart, wondering if there was anyone out there who felt the way she was feeling.

Six billion people in the world... surely one of them knew what it was like to feel lonely?

Surely, surely - there was one person out there who thought the idea of chasing loneliness away with a one night stand was even lonelier, and sadder, than actually being alone?

Surely, surely - there was one person out there who wanted to be held as badly as she did... to just be wrapped up in someone else's arms as the rest of the world spins madly on?

These were the kinds of questions she thought about on nights like these.

And he, was the kind of person she thought about on nights like these.

The (false) promise of absolute freedom

Think back to some of your fondest growing up memories, whether as a child or a teenager.

I bet at least one of them involved doing something sneaky and getting away with it, whether it's something as innocuous as stealing from the cookie jar or cutting class in high school. Would those incidents have been half as fun if you had been allowed to freely go ahead and do it? If nobody cared if you had another cookie or came to school - would that have become such a fond memory years down the line? (By the way I'm not condoning lying, skipping class, or similar antisocial behavior. Don't read between non-existent lines. :P)

I was just thinking about it the other day - would it really be that fun having absolute freedom to do anything in the world I wanted? I mean, if I could snap my fingers and get anything I wanted, how fun would that be? After getting a million dollars and spending it, what else would be left to do? There are only a finite number of five star hotels and exclusive clubs and luxury cars in the world.

I wonder if it is the limitations that life imposes on us that actually enhances the enjoyment of what we are able to do. If the things we CAN'T DO help us enjoy the things we CAN DO. I mean, if I had a car or more money to spend, I sure as heck wouldn't spend my nights staying in making silly videos but because of those limitations, I am. And having a lot of fun doing it as well.

I wonder if I'd be half as driven and motivated in my studies and basically everything I put my hands to if I had things on a silver platter since young. If I never had to worry about scholarships and university fees, would I be as driven to score A's? And yet I have absolutely no regrets knowing that it's hard work that's got me where I am. The pleasure of that knowledge is something I would likely have been deprived of had I an easier upbringing.

Growing up, I used to envy friends who were richer, prettier, and so on and so forth. I've gone from being green-eyed to absolutely NOT being a single bit jealous, because think of it this way: if you have had everything when you were young, it's going to be so much harder to maintain that and having anything less than that is going to be painful, because you're not accustomed to it.

For example, I currently don't have to worry too much about money although I still have to watch my budget, as I'm on a scholarship. But, I know that if ever money gets tight, I can survive on little, because I actually have before. On the other hand, if you're used to lavish spending and one day you have to tighten your belt, that's going to suck.

Imagine if you've grown up with people showering you with compliments about how handsome or pretty you are. Or if you were Miss Popular in high school and suddenly, you move to a new town, a bigger uni, whatever - and suddenly, no one notices you or cares about your existence. That'd be a major blow to the ego. I can say this because transitioning from a small Life College to Teesside was yes, I admit, quite a humbling process. But because I've worked my way up and struggled to overcome my shyness once (for someone so opinionated on her blog you'd be surprised how shy I am in person) as a freshman in college, I know I can again.

But growing up in a world with no limitations and never having to fight to overcome them... I cannot imagine that. Not only do people who do lack any fighting spirit whatsoever... they also don't get the pleasure of working your way around obstacles, finding loopholes, creating a better experience for yourself with some effort and creativity than what you originally had in mind. 

Absolute freedom is totally overrated. A challenge to overcome instead? Bring it on, baby!

Why I'm giving up my favorite things for the next 40 days

The church I currently attend, NCLC (Sunday Services are at The Hub, 10.30AM every week!) will be embarking on a 40 day season of fasting and praying for various needs within the community and we're all challenged to fast in some way or another. 

I think this challenge to fast comes at a timely season for me, as I've lately been feeling really restless with the way I've been doing life in the UK so far - with just wanting to stick to what I know and what's comfortable - like my comfortable routines, like friends I feel comfortable around, to just maintaining the status quo, getting good grades, and going home knowing I fulfilled expectations. I've been doing more or less that for the past five months, telling myself not to get too attached to people and ways of doing things here because I'm going to have to uproot myself all over again when I return to KL and get used to different personalities, cultures, and styles of doing things, in just over three months time. 

But truth be told, it's a boring and pathetic way to live. And even though I have 'only' three months left, heck, I'm going to make the most of it. There's plenty of things to do here - I just didn't want to do them because I didn't want to get used to them and then miss them later. Same thing with people to meet here - I just didn't want to get close to them because missing people really SUCKS. But what's life without the downtimes, the missing people, and the ebb and flow? 

Sure you can protect yourself from those unpleasant, sometimes downright painful feelings. But in doing so you shut your heart to people, places, and experiences and miss out the beauty in all of that. And I'm so sick of doing that with the UK. This week on, I swear (and you readers can hold me accountable) that I will stop Tweeting about how I hate the weather (even though I flippin' do :P), how bored I am, how different things are in the UK, I will stop cooping myself up in my room trying to do things, talk to people, and eat food that reminds me of home (because it doesn't flippin' work; I'll still miss home anyways) and actually GET OUT more, meet people, do fun stuff, make unforgettable memories.

Sometimes I think my memory bank will run out; I'm so scared to make new ones! I've been so stingy with what experiences I let make a mark on me here; so stingy with how much of my heart I wear on my sleeve with the people I meet on a daily or weekly basis. But I won't run out of space to store memories; I won't run out of space in my heart to care about new people.

So this fast will be a timely reminder for me. For those of you who know me, there are several things that are sort of my 'security blankets' or 'bantal busuk' (Malay term meaning the same as 'security blanket' - but literal translation means 'smelly bolster' - because it's been kept so long:P) and that I use as distractions to 'escape' when I find life a little tough here. 

But instead of being balms to soothe those pangs of homesickness they have often become crutches that hold me back from living to the fullest here. So for 40 days, there will be a progressive stripping down of these 'bantal busuks' - not that any of them are bad; just that I sometimes am too dependent on them to make my WHOLE DAY better when really, I should have so much more to look forward to every day than just a darn cup of coffee (butbutbut it's my aromatic hazelnut flavored Malaysian Ipoh white coffeeeeee!! :S).

And while I'm at this 'training wheel-removal' stage, there's also a whole bunch of issues I am all too well aware of that I hope to work on as well. Since I'm all geared up and semangat, I might as well go the whole mile yeah? 

So here it is - the battle plan. For the next 40 days beginning Tuesday. It's going to be exciting times ahead! (And by the end of it I'll have less than 2 months left in the UK! How time flies!)

Fasting is so much more than a religious ritual. In fact I think even if you're not a religious person, self-denial, going back to basics, and stripping excess from your life every now and then can be a very, very healthy, balanced way to live. But it's THAT much more motivating when you have an extra drive and a reason to do it. 

So, why am I giving up my favorite things for the next 40 days? Because I believe there are better things than them waiting to be experienced here in the UK, and I fully intend to discover those things! Because I'm tired of surviving - I want to LIVE, I'm done with defending - I want to FIGHT, I've had enough of coping - I want to THRIVE. 

Even if it means giving up my aromatic hazelnut flavored Malaysian Ipoh white coffee (oh Lord help me). 

Comment love

Welcome to the first ever round-up of my favorite recent comments on this blog and Facebook.

Remember, I love, love love a two-way conversation and it's more motivating for me to post new stuff when people respond to it. You don't have to like what you read/watch... you can hate it but give me suggestions for improvement - anything! As long as you say something. It's all these comments that really make my day.

I love karaoke and am always up for a session! Just say when... ;)

Sure ;)

KL can keep her in 3 and a half months time. :)

This made my day to know that even one person out there looks forward to each new post! Keep the love coming in! 

Another thing that makes my day is when silent readers start commenting as well, so if you're one of those, do leave a comment and say hi, will ya? :)

This was so timely and what I needed to hear. Thank you for sharing such beautiful words, Carissa.

I often feel the same when reading other people's blog and then think to myself, what could *I* possibly have to say that has not been said already? But comments like these remind me I do have some things worth saying. :)

I love empowering, 'you go, girl' comments anytime! :)

Another example of an empowering, inspiring comment. I LOVE Sarah-Ann!

Where I could use a little more love though, is my KLchickTV YouTube comments. I have a grand total of ONE comment (mine doesn't count :P). And thanks, junbecks. :)

Also, after six videos, I only have 10 subscribers. I know some of the vids might be boring but with more experience and more practice I'm sure they'll get better! But, it takes a long time to come up with an idea, shoot, and edit a vid, so to keep me motivated, SUBSCRIBE to my channel and share it with your friends too! :) (How shameless am I in self-promotion?:P Oh well... comes with the territory of being a Mass Comm-er... haha!)

So yes, sharing is caring (and making my day!).

Okay that's it for this week. :) Stay tuned, subscribing, or following if you're not already!

Much much love, snuggly blankets, and hot chocolates all the way from the UK.

Chinese-style fried rice and stir-fried noodles

Mom posted me four HUGE A4 envelopes filled with Malaysian teas and coffee!!! :)

As you may probably know, I am now living 7000 miles away from the place I grew up in and call 'home', in a completely strange, foreign, and occasionally hostile (in more ways than one, but especially in terms of the climate) land, and as a result am quite frequently prone to bouts of extreme homesickness.

By 'homesickness', I really mean deep and insane cravings for a taste of familiar, comforting food from home. Being no stranger to the kitchen, I have chased away many a bout of homesickness with hearty, warming, delicious Malaysian food and now, with my recent acquisition of a spanking brand-new digital SLR, it seems a waste and a shame not to record my culinary adventures with it.

So, for your reading (and drooling) pleasure, KLchick proudly introduces a new series of blog posts which will be titled Cooking with mom, a series of home-cooked food posts inspired by familiar Malaysian Chinese-style dishes my mom has cooked for the family.

Now, what better way to kick off this series than with some truly Malaysian staples: fried rice (or nasi goreng in Malay) and fried noodles (mee goreng)?

Chinese-style fried rice and stir-fried noodles

These humble, peasant dishes utilize the Asian cupboard's most basic staples - rice and noodles, which can be bought anywhere in KL for next to nothing. At Asian grocer's in Western nations, however, that is a different matter, but the extra cost is well worth that taste of home. ;)

The dishes are then filled in or enhanced by whatever leftovers are available in the fridge - usually chunks of meat, and vegetables which are diced into equal-sized cubes. Everything is thrown together in a large pan, or wok, and the result is two of the most basic, simple staples of Malaysian Chinese home dining.

Ingredients: 
Vegetable / sunflower oil
Cooked rice (best to use leftover rice that has been kept overnight in the fridge OR rice that has been well cooled after cooking to ensure the grains don't stick together) OR cooked instant noodles (both rice and noodles can be cooked in the microwave to speed up cooking time and save energy)
Onions or shallots
Eggs
Meat and vegetables of choice
Salt, pepper and soya sauce to season
For noodles: Kicap manis/pekat or dark soya sauce where kicap not available

Directions:
Heat oil in pan.
Add in onions/shallots and stir fry until light golden brown in colour (do not let them burn).
Add in meat (if using raw meat, or else add in cooked meat together with vegetables) and fry until cooked.
Add diced vegetables and fry until hot or cooked (if using raw vegetables).
Add in rice or noodles and mix everything together.
Crack several eggs in and stir vigorously to ensure egg gets evenly distributed and forms fine strands instead of getting clumpy.
Season to taste (add kicap manis/pekat if frying noodles to get that rich brown colour), and dish up!

Accompaniments:
My mom used to cook 'tong sui' or sweet dessert soups like barley yee mai, or barley with beancurd soup, or red bean soup whenever she did these stir-fry dishes to counter the saltiness and oiliness of the fried dishes. One of the most satisfying meal combinations ever.

Life Lessons for the woman's heart

I have the amazing privilege of attending a church led by two amazing pastors, Lindsay and Nathan Bruce (a husband and wife team), but I'm especially blessed to know and be challenged by Lindsay and the way she lives her life as a strong and passionate woman, in more ways than one.

At a recent Sisterhood gathering at Starbucks along Linthorpe Road, she shared with a bunch of girls and women some of the things she learned along the journey of her life, all of which really, really challenged me and so I thought I'd post some of them up to share with all you girls out there too. :)

1. "You have to start somewhere." Even the biggest dreams and loftiest accomplishments all started from somewhere. Or, in the words of Lao-Tzu, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I'm a deeply self-reflective person and I always tend to look back on life and think about how far I've come. Every time I do that, I think about how I never imagined I'd be where I am today, with the background I've come from. But it all started somewhere - with a dream to be more than I could ever imagine being.

2. "Connection is everything." Guys, even though they might not share personal things or talk about their feelings much with each other, tend to have each other's backs as 'bros'. There is an unspoken 'bro code' which dictates that you watch out for your brothers as they watch out for you. Women are notorious for having no such code of behavior, with back-stabbing, bitchiness, gossiping, and jealousy being the status quo when it comes to groups of women. I bet I'm not the only girl who finds it hard to open up to and trust other girls, and I've had more than one girlfriend remark that guys are easier to talk to because they're straight-forward and there's none of that pretense and fake-ness that you might get with other women.

But especially growing up with two brothers and now living in a house FULL of boys, I know how extremely crucial it is for the feminine side of me to be nurtured by the company of other women. After too long of going without a heart-to-heart with a girlfriend I literally feel like I've overdosed on testosterone and I really, really, need some girly time to stay sane. I need to know I'm not going crazy because I feel emotions, to know that I'm not mad or weird because I think a certain way, to be in the company of a group of people who understand period cramps, insecurity about your looks, how demeaning and insulting it is when sexist remarks are made in front of you or worse about you, and who react to things the way I do.

3. "Don't allow yourself to be defined by any title." This is a biggie I really, really struggle with. I'm so used to playing certain roles: "oldest child", "the responsible one", "the good student", and so on, that when I begin to feel any of these roles are being threatened, or that people don't perceive me as living up to them, my ENTIRE identity is brought into question.

Not only that, but I sometimes use my roles to excuse my behavior. "I'm the oldest child, the guinea pig, so I'm meant to be rebellious." And one that strikes very close to my heart lately: "I'm Asian and a foreign student, not like people here will understand me anyway, and not like they are interested in the fact that I have had a completely different upbringing from them, so why bother trying to relate to people here?" But fitting yourself into labels is so unhealthy, because it limits you completely.

So there you go... hope you've been challenged by these lessons and if you have, do drop a note to share your thoughts! :) Much, more love to all my sistahhs out there! Stay amazing and beautiful.

In my dreams, I am with you

In my dreams I’m in Pike’s Place,
Nolita,
Old Cape Cod,
London,
Paris,
Rome,
Tuscany,
Phnom Penh,
Kota Kinbalu,
Santorini,
Redang.






In my dreams I’m walking through the market,
chasing bands around the city in the middle of the night,
watching workers tend the vines,
sitting at a bar and people-watching,
strolling through the park,
feeding ducks,
lying in the hammock,
listening to the rain hammering against the roof in the middle of the night,
sipping espresso in a sidewalk cafe,
visiting an art museum,
making pancakes for breakfast,
watching fireworks on New Year’s,
waking up to a thriving, bustling metropolis,
waking up to idyllic contryside,
smelling the seaside air,
painting, drawing, writing,
hitch-hiking,
cycling across the countryside,
camping out in the wild,
canoeing back to shore as the sun sets,
stopping to listen to the street musicians play,
roasting marshmallows over a beachside bonfire,
wrapping myself in a sleeping bag as I drift off to sleep.



In my dreams I am running,
jumping,
flying,
twisting,
dancing,
changing,
stretching,
learning,
growing,
feeling,
living,
loving,
risking,
screaming,
being.

In my dreams I feel peaceful,
impatient,
excited,
restless,
calm,
exhilarated,
excited,
relaxed,
refreshed,
alert,
tense,
blissful,
content.

In my dreams, I am with you.

Life is too short to be anything but yourself

Today as I walked out of uni after shorthand at 5PM, tears came to my eyes as I looked up at the sky and saw that the sun was just beginning to set.

It's been a few months of winter now - of long, dark, tearful, lonely nights. Months of having the weather mirror my emotional state, with the sun making an appearance (when it's not blocked by thick, dreary clouds) only after 7.30AM and quickly disappearing completely by 4PM.

Today, it sank in that the days were getting longer - spring, although it may still be more than a month away, is slowly but surely on its way. It sank in, with the completion of my final piece of assessment for this semester - that I have made it past the halfway mark, and I have just slightly under four months to go now. 

I choked back tears as these realizations brought with them the feeling of coming full circle. At the end of 2009 and the start of 2010, I'd faced what I thought was the toughest year of my life to date. Then 2010 broke my heart and gave me a new definition for tough. But 2009 and 2010 put together can't even top what these past four months have been.

This feeling of going through a seemingly unending dark night and  seeing hints of dawn starting to break, of realizing you've made it through alive... it still takes my breath away every single time. It's the most amazing feeling knowing that the countless tears cried, insomniac nights, feeling *this* close to the brink of insanity, feeling everything you've prided yourself on crumble to nothing, feeling completely alone and like no one could possibly understand... knowing that they weren't wasted. Knowing that you're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel after long, cold nights that never seem to end... it's the best feeling in the world. 

These 'dark nights of the soul', described by almost all major religions and spiritual mystics, have a sort of purifying, awakening effect - not just on the soul but also on the senses. After night upon night spent swimming in helpless, miserable, hateful, resentful thoughts, and struggling to stay afloat... and catching sight of land and knowing you have not drowned yet... it does something to a person.

Beautiful things become even more beautiful, sweet music sounds even sweeter, things I was thankful for become even more precious and treasured, and my experience of and appreciation for all things good and beautiful in life is amplified by x100. 

It's not that I won't have crappy days, resentful thoughts, lonely nights, or tear-soaked pillows anymore. I'll probably have tons more between now and the time I go home (home!). But it's not the same with the knowledge that I can face them, I can overcome them, and I am bigger and stronger than my situations, no matter how intimidating they may seem. 

I love symbolism and analogies, and I am particularly enraptured by the idea of something having to die before it can fully come alive. A seed has to be buried before it can blossom into a flower, a caterpillar has to be entombed before it can metamorphose into a butterfly... and nights of crying are necessary to come out a stronger and braver person. Beauty can blossom from pain.

While talking to a friend recently, he mentioned that I provide a lot of comic relief, slapstick comedy, and laughter lately. I thought about it for a second and I replied, "Yeah that's cos I take myself less seriously these days, that's why I can make fun of myself." I used to be so insecure about every little thing that made me me. A few years ago, I wouldn't be caught dead on video. I obsessed over every single calorie I put into my body. My studies and looks became identities I hid the real me behind, and I lived for someone to be jealous that I got straight A's, to call me 'hot', or to make me feel better about myself. 

Coming here took away all of that. Aside from a butt-slapping incident by some ill-mannered dude on the street, my status on male attention from local guys still remains at a level of... nil. I find it is actually a challenge to satisfy my lecturers and score high marks, and after having breezed through college back home, I've actually been struggling a lot with wondering if I'm really that lousy at what I do. People tell me, 'Oh but you're doing so well.' And I don't know how to say it without sounding obnoxious but the thing is, I'm not used to 'doing well'. I'm used to aceing. So all these external things I hid behind were gone, and in their place is just... me. 

A me that says, well, even if people don't think I'm awesome I'm going to give my awesomest anyway. Even if no one notices what I'm wearing, I'm dressing up because it makes me feel good about myself. Even if it won't show under three layers of clothing, I'm going to the gym not just for my physical health but because it also does wonders for my mental health. A me that's not afraid to be honest about her feelings and admit that she actually doesn't have it all figured out. 

A me that's learnt that life's too short to be anything but yourself. 

Do whatever it takes to be yourself, to find yourself. Go through those dark nights. Cry your eyes out. Allow your heart to hurt, so it can start to heal. Let go of the things you define yourself by. Don't let anything or anyone else define you. 

A long time ago, Elselyn, a dear friend once said something like, "This life is difficult. But it's also beautiful. But life is what you make it." After all these years, I still think back to these words, and I think, she's so right.

I was taught that, not only by my dark nights, but also the lives of the amazing and beautiful friends I have around me who have gone through their own dark nights. 

So this post is dedicated to all the strong, funny, imperfect, beautiful people whom I've had the privilege of sharing life with. You guys make this ride worthwhile. :)