What I've been up to in videos and pictures

Baking apple crumble (recipe here)



Filming a geeky love story for this article



Watching charlieissocoollike on YouTube so I could write this feature



Yeah so if you haven't already checked out GeekChic.me, hop on over for more cool geeky stuff like the above now! :)

They shaped my life, they made me love who I am today

‎"As soon as I started to get present, everything that I could be grateful for - it wasn't about 'could' anymore, it wasn't about 'should'. I found that I got out of my own way and life just opened up." -Jason Mraz

MIA

If I've been a little quiet here lately, you can also find me blogging about Asian culture in the West here: http://www.geekchic.me/category/blogs/crystal/. Need to focus on this site because it's for a final project at uni.

Or in I know you in real life, you can find me planning another awesome food party because I only have 1 and a half months left to spend here! So even though things are hectic, the most must and will be made of the time left! :)

Searchers

“I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know — unless it be to share our laughter.

We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.

For wanderers, dreamers, and lovers, for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful. It is for those who are too gentle to live among wolves.

— James Kavanaugh

Life: the real deal

When people are nice to you, be nice to them. In case you haven't realized it, they don't have to be nice to you.

When times are tough and people are generous to you with their time, money, and posessions, don't forget what they have done when you're in a better place. They don't have to share their things and their time with you.

When people open up to you and trust you, don't laugh at them and keep their secrets. They don't have to let you into their hearts.

When people tolerate your stupid mistakes and are forgiving when you mess up, don't assume their patience will never run out. They don't have to stick with you through your crap.

When someone lends you a listening ear, vent for awhile if you need, but don't make the conversation about you all the time. They don't have to nod and listen and be polite.

When people point out your flaws because they want you to be better, don't get angry or defensive. They don't have to care about you being the best you can be.

And when people are mean, disloyal, indifferent, apathetic, nasty, rude, bitchy, or ungrateful towards you, so what? They don't owe it to you to be nice. Just as you don't owe it to them to stick around.

This life and the way the world spins around is made up of relationships. Our relationships to people and to things. How we treat people and how we treat life determines how people treat us and how life treats us.

It's almost as simple as that.

Call it whatever you want. Reaping what you sow. The law of attraction. Karma. Getting your due.

But if you want people to be nice to you, start being nice yourself. If you want good things in life to come your way, start being generous with the way you live your life.

And you may say that there are plenty of good people in crappy circumstances, and that may be true. But if you look closer, you might see that it doesn't matter. Because for some people, happiness doesn't depend on their circumstance - it depends on them. It's not about what you have; it's about who you are.

As for those who seem 'good' and even 'martyr-like' parading their good deeds in the face of 'terrible' injustice and stress and chaos, they're not really happy. They're looking for pity, for sympathy, for applause for their 'noble' character, for some kind of validation and approval.

But the really content are beyond that. They accept the parts of life they can't change but strive to change all the things about themselves that they know can use some work. They learn from the past but are not afraid to face tomorrow.

But most of all, they realize that life doesn't owe them any  single thing. And instead of seeing everyone who has it better, they see that so many have it worse. They see that they can sit around and complain about the injustice of it all or wallow in a pool of pity. Or, they can say, well, look at all the things I do have. I want more of that. How do I get more of that?

And so they seek. And they learn. And they discover that life IS indeed a gift. But it comes wrapped in delicate packaging and sealed in a locked box and without enough care and the right keys, you're forever going to think it's a shit gift when you haven't even begun to open it and look at the real thing.

People like that, they've found the real thing.

The moment just before getting what you want

Right now I want so many things. I want a crib of my own to domesticate and make pretty and nice-smelling. I want an espresso machine so my whole kitchen will smell of coffee in the morning. I want to see you smile. I want to go out dancing. I want to go somewhere warm enough to wind down my windows and drive into the night. I want to hug my baby brother - actually, both my baby brothers - and tell them how much I missed them. I want someone to snuggle next too or actually, even a cat would be nice.

I want to want things. Every single day. I want my life to be driven by passion and longing and wanting everything good and beautiful, even if I can't have all of it.

"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best—" and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. -Winnie the Pooh

A fun stress-relieving distraction from work

The Adjustment Bureau - Destiny vs. Love

I watched The Adjustment Bureau recently, and it made me think, like all good movies do. There were a couple of cliched and corny quotes in there, but there were plenty more really thought-provoking ones.

The movie struck a chord with me because it explored the tension between so-called 'destiny' and finding love. In the movie, David and Elise have a 'destiny' all mapped out for them - and then they meet and keep finding themselves drawn to each other even though 'the powers that be' try to force them apart.

Elise Sellas: He was a great guy. Brilliant choreographer and dancer and... we had the same group of friends. We'd known each other a long time.
David Norris: He sounds great. Why didn't you marry him?
Elise Sellas: Because of you. I'm not a hopeless romantic. I'd never allow myself to be that way. But once I felt, even for a moment what I felt with you, you ruined me. I didn't want to settle for less.
David Norris: I know the feeling.
Elise Sellas: Scares the shit out of me.

Both have amazing futures, at that. David, a rising politician, is destined to be the president of the United States, while Elise, a dancer, one of the world's most famed choreographers. Why risk a destiny like that for some random stranger you met by chance?

"Don't settle." That's what people tell me again and again. You're so young, you have so much to experience. You don't want to be tied down. And I don't. At least, that's what I believe on most days. Then once in awhile, I get a taste of a settled, domestic life, and some part of me wistfully thinks, "This isn't so bad."

Thompson: David, you can change the world. But that doesn't happen if you stay with her.
David Norris: Why do you people care who I love?
Thompson: It's not about her. It's about you. What being with her does to you.
David Norris: What it does to me? I'm better when I'm with her. Even you said it, the speech.
Thompson: In small doses, Elise was the cure. But in large doses, she rubs off on you.
David Norris: Stop.
Thompson: David, the president can't be a loose cannon.

I've been told, again and again, that if I get tied down, I won't be able to travel, do whatever I want to do, really work and establish my career, live a good life, and so on. But every now and then I meet someone who makes me think, "What's the point of all that if I can't even have someone to share it with?"

Just like what good is it being the president of the world's most powerful country if you can't even be with the girl you love? As David and Elise find, no matter how much they try to get on with their lives they can't shake the feeling they felt when they were together.

Thompson: Can't outrun your fate, David.
David Norris: I...just disagree with you about what my fate is. I know what I feel for her and it's not gonna change. All I have are the choices that I make, and I choose her. Come what may.

This idea that you could meet someone who makes you feel so happy that you forget about everything else you used to strive for has always haunted me. I guess it's because I'm such a driven and ambitious person that on most days, I can't imagine myself being satisfied with a monotonous, domestic, routine life.

But there always comes along that one person to make you think, "You know, I could do this. I could do this every day and be really happy." All of a sudden, all those ambitions can wait... All those things that really mattered don't matter so much... Everything that used to be important doesn't seem so important anymore... because there's someone in your life that just being around makes you happy.

David Norris: You know Thompson's not lying. They're already talkin' about me being a presidential candidate. I'm phoning in my speeches and I'm sixteen points up.
Harry Mitchell: The public loves you.
David Norris: Before I met Elise, that's all I cared about. I don't even notice it now. I can't stop thinking about her.

I used to be idealistic, but not anymore. In fact, I believe that if more people just accepted that nothing lasts forever, people change, sometimes relationships don't work out the way you expected them to, and just move on with their lives, there'll be a lot less sad and lonely people out in the world.

But I do believe that some people find that moment in their lives when they look at the person next to them and think, "As long as this person is beside me, everything will be okay."

David Norris: This can't be wrong. This can't be wrong.

But is a person like that worth risking everything for? Is love worth risking security and stability for? Is it worth jumping into the unknown and going against the status quo for? Worth throwing away your future, your 'destiny' for?

David and Elise thought so.

Elise Sellas: Why do they think it's wrong?
David Norris: The book. Their book. But what if I can find who wrote it?
[Elise shakes her head not understanding]
David Norris: Okay, I can go through this door, alone. You'll never see me or the people chasing us again. Or you can come with me, and I don't know what's on the other side, but I'd know you'd be next to me. And that's all I wanted since the minute I met you.
Elise Sellas: I'm coming with you.

And so they risk everything. Literally. They outrun 'The Adjustment Bureau' until they're trapped on top of a roof, surrounded on all sides. And David is about to have his mind 'erased', obliterated. The world as they know it is on the brink of coming to an end.

Harry Mitchell: Your entire world has turned upside down and you're thinkin' about a woman.

[SPOILER ALERT]

And - this is my favorite scene in the movie - the moment they realize that they are about to lose everything they risked for, they grab on to each other and kiss, for what will probably be the last time. And then The Adjustment Bureau disappears. The powers that be changed their minds. Inspired by the courage of David and Elise, they rewrote 'The Plan' to include a future in which they both could be together.

As I watched that scene, just one thought flashed through my mind: that could be me. That could be me. As cold-hearted and unromantic as I may seem on the surface (I'm not crazy about gushy displays of affection, mushy names, grand sentimental gestures, or even flowers), there's a hopeless romantic inside of me who would say, "Screw what other people think, screw the status quo, screw the future. If this person makes me smile, if the world seems like a better place when I'm with him, then nobody is going to tell me that I cannot be with him."

And yet, the ruthlessly practical and pragmatic realist inside of me also believes that such feelings never last, that it's always a case of the right person at the wrong time, and that happiness is more about what you choose to do with your life rather than trying to chase the dream of the 'ideal match'.

But the hopeless romantic continues to hope with all her heart that someday there'll be someone worth risking everything for.

If that person exists, giving up my dreams and settling for mediocracy doesn't sound quite so bad. And why do I have to 'settle' anyway? All I want is to travel the world. Out of the 6 billion people on earth, surely there's one I could travel the world with?

Harry Mitchell: Most people live life on the path we set for them. Too afraid to explore any other. But once in a while people like you come along and knock down all the obstacles we put in your way. People who realize free will is a gift you'll never know how to use until you fight for it.

Some people tell me I wear my heart on my sleeve too much. Someone told me that recently I've been talking less about my personal life on my blog, and that maybe that was a sign of growing up, and learning to guard my heart. Another person told me today that I'm too guarded, and I keep people at bay.

I'm still trying to figure out which parts of myself are good things, and which parts I should maybe change.

I think I will always be a little bit of both. There will always be a part of me that holds back, a part of my heart I'm not sure if anyone will ever fully own, and another part of me that just willingly gives itself away to those I find myself drawn to.

A night in Paris, the local way

After successfully navigating our way through Parisian train stations, Mabel and I arrive in 9e arrondissement de Paris to deliciously mild weather. Of course, we only succeeded after much scratching of heads and wandering round and round a particular station that had the most confusing, Inception-esque stair layout.

The local time is 9:20PM. I text a French friend who is supposed to be waiting for us outside our train station (St Lazare) to say that 'We're here!'

We look around and quickly notice the two different sortie (exit) signs that point in opposite directions, and so we figure, we'll just pick one, and if he's not there, we'll walk to the other one. How far could the two exits of the train stations be from each other anyway?

So we get to the first sortie, and he's not there. We decide to walk around the building to find the other exit, and we walk for five minutes and realize that the building no longer resembles anything like a train station. It seems that the station is adjoining a shopping centre (or was it under, since we took an escalator up to the sortie). A ten minute speed-walk (hauling our luggage along) back to where we exited and through a looonngg corridor later, we get to the other exit and he's not there either.

We end up walking around for one hour amid texts and phone calls, trying to find each other. We try asking some waiters for directions and one of them even takes out his phone to try to Google map directions for us while the other one points to his bow tie and asks if we like bow tie pasta in the flirtiest way.

We walk back to the first place we exited from the station, and Mabel and I spot a street map. We try to locate the street we're on so we can let him know where to find us, and we realize - there are FIVE different train / Metro / RER stations all with 'St Lazare' in their name. We decide that instead of hopelessly walking around the 9th arondissement we would just make our way to the hotel and meet him there.

Upon making this decision, we search the map for the street our hotel is on - only to discover that it is just down the road we were already on. Just five minutes later, we're in the hotel lobby.

You know you're a tourist when you wait / walk around for a hour trying to meet somebody who'll show you the way to the hotel when it's just a five minute walk away.

After we rendezvous with a few other French friends, they take us to dinner in a fast food joint (where we get free burgers just by showing our student cards - why do they not have this in the UK or Malaysia?!?), and then, a local bar.

Even in the UK, land of beer, bars, and pubs, I have never seen a bar as packed as this one is. People are standing wherever there is space to stand, all the way to the door, while outside the door, people huddle around on the sidewalk, almost spilling over into the street.

One of the first differences I notice between the Middlesbrough bar scene and the Parisian one was the way the girls dressed. In Middlesbrough, even in below freezing temperatures, girls strut around in skimpy outfits that, save for all the glitter and bling, look better suited to a tropical beach. Here, however, a quick glance around the room and I fail to spot any uncovered legs or plunging necklines, even though the weather is notably warmer than Boro weather. Almost everyone, guys and girls, has some item of black clothing on, in that distinctively famous Parisian style.

I think I like Paris already.

It's way past midnight when a group of about thirty or maybe more cyclists ride past the bar, and people on the sidewalk shout and wave at them. Some of them wave back. I ask my friend who they are and what they're doing. He shrugs his shoulders and says he doesn't know. Ah, the randomness of big city night life. I love it.

Not a single tourist is in sight. Not a single menu item is in a language I can comprehend either, but it's okay. We're with people who know the language. Not a single photograph is taken. (That's for typical tourists, and maybe we'll be that kind of tourist tomorrow, but not tonight. :P)

Just another regular weekend night in Paris, the local way. Looks like a promising start to this little weekend getaway.

Gems from 'Gift from the Sea'

Stumbled across this while searching for some quotes...

"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable."

"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits - islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides."

"Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after."
— Anne Morrow Lindbergh (Gift from the Sea)

If this is what it means to be a 'real girl', I don't want to be one

"This is for the girls who have the tendency to stay up all night listening to music that reminds them of their current situation. Who hide their fears, hurt, pain and tears under their smiles and laughs all on a daily basis. The girls who wear their hearts on their sleeve. The girls who pray things will workout just once and they’ll be satisfied. The girls who scream and cry into their pillows because the rest of the world fails to listen. The girls who have it hard but don’t let anyone know that. The girls who may never have it easy. The girls who have so many secrets but will never tell a soul. The girls who have regrets and mistakes as a daily moral. The girls who don’t always win, who may never win. The girls who stay up all night thinking about that one boy wondering if he’ll ever notice her. The girls who don’t get what they get and don’t throw a fit. The girls who take life as it comes, hoping it’ll get easier somewhere down the road. The girls who love with all their hearts but always get broken. This is for the real girls. This is for you, girl." -shared on Tumblr

Really? That's all it takes to be a 'real girl'?

When I read the above on Tumblr, everything inside me screamed 'No!' I refuse to accept that. I refuse to believe that doing all that makes me a real girl.

No offense meant to the person who wrote it or the people who shared it - I appreciate the sentiment, and I understand that reading that may be empowering for some girls.

But not this girl. To me, that's stifling.

Hiding my fears and pain under smiles and laughs makes me a real girl? I'd take heartbreaking honesty and finding the courage to open up to someone any day.

Staying up all night listening to emo music is being a real girl? Maybe for awhile, yes, that helps to heal. But after awhile, if I'm not careful, I'll cross that line into wallowing in self-pity and holding on to the past.

And praying things will work out just once and I'll be satisfied? No! I'll never be satisfied, not by a boy, not by my achievements, not by having all the things I want. Because the only thing I will settle for is the yearning to experience and chase down everything life has to offer, and the knowledge that life is a never-ending journey, and change and adventure is part of it.

Regrets and mistakes won't be my daily morals: instead, they'll be forgiveness, second chances, and hope.

I may not win... at first, but I'm a girl who will try again and again until I get something I want. I might not get all of it, but at least something is better than accepting that I may never win and not even trying, and getting nothing.

I may have secrets not everyone can handle but I choose to trust at least one or two close friends with everything in my heart, because even though that's scary, what's more scary is being so jaded I can never be able to trust anyone.

I may take life as it comes, but I sure as heck don't wish it'd get easier down the road. Because I've learnt that easy doesn't always equal happy. Just ask anyone who seems to 'have it all'.

And I've gotten my heart broken but I've learned that you can love with all your heart, and you can even wear it on your sleeve, but at the end of the day, it's still yours.

You don't have to give your heart away. You don't have to let someone walk all over it. And you certainly don't have to entrust it to people whom you already know will handle it carelessly. But sometimes the problem is us, isn't it, because we're not more careful with our hearts. At the end of the day, how much love you can receive or give depends on how much you love yourself.

So this is for a different kind of real girl. Girls that won't just settle for the first good thing that comes their way, because they don't want just 'good', they want amazing. Girls that hold not only the people they love but themselves to a higher standard, to being better tomorrow than they are today. Girls that are not afraid of change, of picking themselves up again, or even of fighting for what's important to them. Girls that are not afraid to cry but won't wait for someone else to wipe away their tears before they do. Girls who don't accept the status quo, who don't accept what people tell them they are. Girls who don't wait for a guy to come along and make everything okay but seize each and every day and make something beautiful out of it.

This is for the girls who are feminine, courageous, passionate, and dangerous. This is for the girls who write their own endings, who find their own happiness, who own their hearts, their choices, and their future. This is for you.

Because I haven't written in awhile :)

Life has taught me that the saddest days are also the days you have the most reasons to smile. Because things can only get better from here, the sun can only shine brighter the next day, and when you've hit rock bottom, you can only go upwards from there. Because just as cold teaches us to appreciate warmth, and loss teaches us to appreciate what we have, sadness teaches us what it means to be happy.

Life has taught me that peace is not finding 'balance', having everything in its place, or even in quiet and solitude. There is a peace that's found in chaos and confusion, in heartache and despair - a peace that only you can give yourself. Because being at peace with the world around you starts with being at peace with yourself. It is a peace that says no matter what the world tries to take from me, the one thing it cannot take is who I am. And who I am is enough.

Life has taught me that happiness is not something that happens to you. Happiness is something you chase, and when you catch it, you do everything it takes to hold on to it. Happiness is a choice. You will find it if you seek it, but it won't come without work. Happiness doesn't come from things or accomplishments - what seems like happiness is very often just pride or security. Real happiness comes from things you can't see or put a price tag on.

Life has taught me that change is as much a part of it as is the fact that no matter what happens, the sun will always rise tomorrow, and as long as we're living, each new day is one more chance to get these lessons right.