Messy, imperfect, life stuff

Nothing like a good, long sleep.

"Better to light a candle than curse the darkness."

It's been a heavy week.

Actually, scratch that. It's been a heavy month. So much has been weighing on my heart and all the waking hours in a day are not enough for the endless soul-searching and unanswered questions that churn around in my head every single day.

I've barely been back a couple months and so many close to my heart have lost loved ones.

I struggle with questions of living and dying and the meaning of all this.

I struggle with guilt about not giving the ones who really matter enough time.

After a year away I'm struggling to fit back into a culture I barely fit into even before I left.

I struggle to understand how meaning and faith and career and family can mean such completely different things between two worlds.

I struggle with reconciling these two worlds which have very much shaped who I am.

I struggle with how little I understand of other people's struggles.

Every single day I have been waking up to a life I know I am incredibly privileged to live and opportunities I should be incredibly thankful to have...

And I doubt if I have what it takes to live this life.

I struggle with guilt about all the above - not doing enough, not being enough - and yet...

I also struggle with dissatisfaction and frustration and getting what I want.

And I struggle with stuffing all these struggles inside because after all, I have so much to be grateful for - who am I to complain?

But the more I stuff, the more the heaviness threatens to spill over and this week it's just ended up with teary meltdowns at the end of every day. A nonsensical, irrational mess of silly, negative thoughts.

I can't do this. I'm not good enough. I'm not strong enough. I'm not tough enough. Not patient enough. Why do I have to do this? I deserve better. Why can't I just get what I want? What's the point in having success by other people's terms if I can't have the one thing I want? There is no way out. I'm going to feel this way forever. What am I talking about? I am so ungrateful. I am just an ungrateful, selfish bitch. I don't know who I am. I. can't. do. this.

So today I'm done with stuffing. I'm not perfect. But who is, anyway? I sometimes doubt myself. But who doesn't, anyway? I sometimes, despite knowing I'm better than this, knowing I've gotten through bigger battles, act silly and cowardly once in awhile. But who doesn't?

Today, I'm reminding myself that those things aren't what matters. The important thing is not to focus on the negatives, which everyone has to deal with every once in awhile, but the simple. good. things.

A good meal. A good sleep. A small space in my house that is all mine, that I can retreat to from the craziness of life. Good music. Silence. A crazy cat. Wonderful distractions.

And the knowledge that I am not alone.

Food bloggers don't just serve up recipes to nourish the belly. They often serve up food for the soul too.

"I did this thing today. I hate when I do this thing.
I did this thing where I convince myself that I’m not working hard enough, that I’m missing something, that my hair looks dumb, and I’m wholely unsatisfied.
How do I get out of a funk?
I give myself time to make something new.
I make tea. I remind myself to be kind… to myself.
Lemons help. Carbs work wonders. And Tina Fey is always to answer."
-Joy The Baker

Even more profoundly moving is a series of posts by a food blogger who recently lost her husband, suddenly and unexpectedly. Today, she is my hero.

"As I spend Friday reflecting on the love and life that was gone in an instant, I'd like to invite all of you to celebrate his life too. Mikey loved peanut butter cream pie. I haven't made it in a while, and I've had it on my to-do list for a while now.

I kept telling myself I would make it for him tomorrow. Time has suddenly stood still, though, and I'm waiting to wake up and learn to live a new kind of normal. For those asking what they can do to help my healing process, make a peanut butter pie this Friday and share it with someone you love. Then hug them like there's no tomorrow because today is the only guarantee we can count on." -for mikey

"Last Sunday was supposed to be a dark, stormy day. The brightly shining sun was a surprise, and it meant Mikey got to play one last game of paddle ball with a good friend.
It meant he got to help Isabella ride her bike one last time.
It meant we were not home when he died.
I've never been so grateful for a sunny day. Had it been raining, we would've in all likelihood been home when his heart stopped beating, getting ready for dinner." -5:52 pm

"This is what the sunset looks like from our deck on Cape Cod.
It might be more accurate to say this is what it used to look like, since this memory was captured last year when Mikey was still standing by my side watching it with me.
We lived for those sunsets. No matter what we were doing, the world went on pause, as we gazed at it, always in awe of how quickly those last few minutes flew by." -total eclipse of the heart

"...why even post a picture of those pancakes?
They are the first photo of food I've snapped since August 6th, the day before Mikey died.
Those pancakes are a beginning. Baby steps, in a way. Mikey was my muse. Pretty much every recipe I ever created was inspired by or made with him in mind. I'm hoping by easing into taking photographs of food again, it will open the door to new inspiration.
For now, I'm relying on recipes I know from memory. My memories are all I have to keep me going these days." -the road to recovery (and perfect pancakes)

Un petit peu tous les jours (A little every day)

One of my favourite-est teachers in the world (Dawn, who taught me shorthand, an optional class I kept attending even though I didn't have to simply because working under her was so motivating) always said this phrase: "A little every day."

She told us the only way to get good at shorthand was to keep practicing, even if we didn't see immediate results, even if it got discouraging - a little every day. Her advice, which I cherish much, has proved to be effective.

My list of daily little things:

• French: I've been practicing my French - and I am finding that the less obsessed I am with getting things 'perfect', the more I actually absorb - even if it is not complètement (completely) perfect. 
• Beachbody Insanity Workouts: This reminds me of the time I joined Bootcamp - it's grueling stuff! I cheat, though, and split my workouts into half - I do the first twenty minutes of a video one day, and the next twenty minutes the next day. But mind you, it is a pretty freaking intense twenty minutes! But the satisfaction of "powering through", in the words of Shaun T, is pretty darn satisfying.
• Savoring my food: Food and drink keeps me sane. A good meal, a satisfying cup of coffee / tea - these are the highlights of my day when I feel I'm losing a grip on sanity.
• Writing: I want to write a book - but starting is always the hardest part. Right now, I'm just trying to get myself to write something - anything - because starting will get me on my way to that book. 

But I've realized that the most important thing to practice a little of every day is cultivating gratitude for and finding pleasure in today. At this point in my life, the future is a big question mark, and sometimes that question mark is so big it overwhelms and scares me. Sometimes I look at my country and my life and the people around me and I wonder where this is all going, where I will end up... if I even have a future to look forward to.

Sometimes memories from my past come back to me and they seem so friggin perfect that I wonder if my life could ever be that beautiful again... and that thought scares me too - the thought that it can't get any better than it already has.

I cannot do anything about these fears, and I cannot control the future. The only thing I can do is not allow these fears to steal the only thing I do have control over - today.

Today I take much heart in this quote:

"There are times when it is hard to believe in the future, when we are temporarily just not brave enough. When this happens, concentrate on the present. Cultivate le petit bonheur (the little happiness) until courage returns. Look forward to the beauty of the next moment, the next hour, the promise of a good meal, sleep, a book, a movie, the likelihood that tonight the stars will shine and tomorrow the sun will shine. Sink roots into the present until the strength grows to think about tomorrow." ~Ardis Whitman

Un petit mot

Bonjour! C'est tentative moi le rédiger un petit mot dans la Française. Avec l'aide de Google Translate. Mais j'ai heureuse parce j'ai pas nécessaire il bien. (Mais je pense j'ai fait beaucoup erreurs dans grammaire, haha!). Je suis mieux à la lecture que l'écriture dans Française. Il est trop fatiger pour continuer rédiger dans Française, et je vais fin maintenant.

Translation:

Hello! This is my attempt at writing a few words (or a little note?) in French. With the help of Google Translate. But I am happy because I have not needed it much. (But I think I have made many grammatical errors, haha!) I am better at reading than writing in French. It is too tiring to continue writing in French, and I will end here now.

It is ridiculous how heureuse (happy) making progress in learning new things makes me. J'adore apprendre (I love learning). Also, I have started reading Le Petit Prince (The Little Prince) by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry - by "started reading" I mean I have successfully read l'introduction or le dédicace. But it's a start!

Learning a new language makes me more conscious of the other languages I faintly know. When my parents talk in Cantonese these days I ask what certain words mean and I try to pick up grammatical rules and how sentences are constructed. It's all so fascinating.

Of course, the biggest motivator for learning a new language is to gain a deeper understanding and appreciation for its culture - and with it, insights one would never gain when simply looking through eyes of a tourist.

(Which is why people who use words carelessly and casually and don't use accurate definitions to describe things irk the crap out of me. How else are we supposed to communicate our ideas and values and thoughts? How else are we supposed to understand each other?)

In the words of James Michener, "I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions."

My love is like the ocean

inspired by the quiet place and a certain muse

my love is like the ocean
vast and deep
and on nights like this
it doesn't need to be held in someone's arms
cannot be held in someone's arms

my love ebbs and flows and it rides on the waves of life
knowing no two mornings or evenings or sunsets
will ever be the same
ever
and stops to cherish all of it
before the tide comes and washes the moment away
out to sea

is where my love flits and dances
on shimmering freckles of golden light
and when the sun goes down
slows to a sway
rocking these precious memories of you
me
us
to sleep
moonbeam kisses
carry these postcards
from once upon a remembering
down, down to the depths of my love
where they will always stay
anchored
as the seasons and currents roll around them
always changing
like my love

wants you
but not squeezed into a note and bottled up
but without the need for bait
but not merely floating on the surface
that wants you
all of you

to be happy
to be free
to wander the lands and seas

to feel my love
bubbling, crashing, tripping, tumbling
all around you
as wild and free as you roam
flowing around the world
and back

to places you will see as though through new eyes
to places you will lay your head to rest
to places you will ask questions
to places you will search for answers

my love is like the ocean
and wherever you are it will follow you
and back
my love is like the ocean
untamed and fierce
but also sure
steady
enduring
the ocean
is
my love
my love
is
you

La vie est trop courte pour manger la mauvaise nourriture (Life is too short to eat bad food)

I have found the most effective diet plan and antidote to overindulging ever. It's called the Will-Skip-Meals-for-Books diet.

Okay, okay that's a bit extreme. But books are sometimes as delicious as food. Speaking of which, in the last two weeks, I've managed to lose 2 kg (let's hope it stays off!), fit back into a pair of cute pre-UK shorts that I couldn't fit into when I first got back (a couple more weeks to go and I'm sure I'll happily fit into all the rest of my shorts, pants, and pencil skirts!), while feeling less hungry and totally not deprived.

I'm not a nutritionist but an ardent gourmand so some might probably criticize my strategy, but I am quite happy (and so is my wallet) eating a tiny (but good) lunch and breakfast, and then indulging until I'm full on whatever for dinner.

For breakfast, I'll usually have a coffee / tea without sugar and something low-carb (which today meant leftover meatballs from a massive cookout the night before).

Lunch is usually a small salad with no salt but lots of vinegar and olive oil to excite my tastebuds and an indulgence - an absolutely gorgeous pastry (my favourite is the vanilla chocolate twist) from artisan bakery Sun Moulin.

Dinner is pretty much whatever I like, which, over the past week has been pizza, Swedish meatballs, aglio olio, quiche lorraine, and the regular glorious stuff of heart attacks - and as much of it as I like. If the occasion calls for a heavy lunch, like free-flow banana leaf rice at Paandi's with the family over the weekend, then I swap my lunch and dinner, and nibble on something light at night.

That doesn't sound restrictive at all, does it?!? But before you criticize my questionable approach to 'dieting', there are several scientifically-proven diets that may support this way of eating, like Slow Food, which promotes mindful, unrushed, fully-savoured eating of wholesome, nutritious food, and the Paleo diet, which claims we should eat like our caveman ancestors - ie eating until full or skipping meals when not hungry, which is supposedly a more natural way to eat and keeps metabolism levels spiked as well.

There is also the very sensual 'French Women Don't Get Fat' approach, which looks at food and weight not through the lenses of guilt or deprivation but learning to get the most from the things you most enjoy. And of course, every famous Hollywood diet, whether it's the Dukan Diet, South Beach Diet, Zone diet, or whatever (all of which are too un-sexy and restrictive for me though) - all advocate high intakes of protein and vegetables, and minimal intake of grain and processed carbs.

Plus, delayed gratification makes everything better. A friend calls this, in the context of food, "hungry sauce" - describing how hunger or cravings are like a magic gravy that makes food so much tastier.

Of course, use your common sense. Don't starve yourself or binge eat. Your body knows what it needs, so listen to it. This is what works for me. I find I am less tired and sleepy at work eating a light lunch, and I feel more energetic when my stomach is quite empty during the day. For me, dinner is the best meal of the day because it's the only one I don't have to keep time of, and yes, for me pastry is an absolutely necessary indulgence and motivator. So find what works for you.

Now, go feast! Bon Appétit!

Or temporarily feast your eyes on these wholesome, delicious food blogs:

www.sproutedkitchen.com

www.handletheheat.com

www.davidlebovitz.com

www.whatemilyate.com

www.atablefortwo.com.au

www.foodbeam.com

www.deliciousdays.com

The Book Depository.co.uk lets you couch travel at a fraction of the cost

First of all, I have to get this out there: How could I not have heard of this website before?!?!

That feels better. On with the post.

I've been eyeing a few titles recently, and I thought I'd ask Mabel, who is headed back to the UK soon *sniff* to help me purchase the books from Amazon.co.uk and mail them back to me, as even paying postage in pounds comes up to less than the price that Borders, Kinokuniya, or MPH is charging for the same books.

Then Cherie said, "Why don't you use Book Depository? It's my favourite website ever." And with those words my life was turned upside down forever. (Thank you Cherie!)

I exaggerate, you might think.

But get this: Book Depository offers Amazon-range prices, but it delivers straight to Malaysia, which Amazon does not. Not only that, but delivery is free!

I don't know why book retailers are not put out of business already. While some 'book lovers' are mourning Border's demise, I say it's about time. I feel so ripped off realising how much more books I could have afforded to buy and read if I had discovered about Book Depository earlier.

If you're still not getting what a rip-off bookstores are / what a steal Book Depository is (I'm not getting any sort of incentive to write this post, by the way), let me give you a clearer picture:

This is The Sweet Life in Paris.

The book + shipping to Malaysia costs £7.83 at Book Depository, or RM38.50 as of today's exchange rate.

It costs £6.13 + shipping to the UK on Amazon. The book weighs 12.8 ounces. To ship that to Malaysia from the UK, according to Royal Mail's online price finder (Pos Malaysia, if only yours was that user-friendly), costs £5.37. That comes up to a total of RM56.60. Slightly steeper, but still not too bad - except that you need a friend / relative living in the UK willing to receive the package and post it back to you.

At MPH, the same book + RM7 postage* costs RM61.90.

*Counting in postage because the costs of travelling to the actual stores and parking will likely cost around the same, just with more hassle; plus, not all branches will have the stock you want.

At Kinokuniya it is RM60.28, including postage (RM8).

Ah, but maybe RM11-12 is not a big deal to you. But read on.

This is The Most Beautiful Walk in the World.

At Book Depository, it costs £7.90 or RM38.90.

At Amazon, £8.90 (cheapest listing) to the UK. £4.26 back to Malaysia. Total = £13.16 / RM64.80

MPH doesn't stock this book. At Kinokuniya? Well, (I'm guessing) because it's still a new title, it costs RM108 or RM116 plus delivery. That's 74%, or almost three times more than Book Depository is charging. Or in other words, that's like two additional free books for the price of one.

Note: All prices quoted were sourced from various retailers' websites and were for the paperback versions of each title. 

Plus, now with Maybank's Visa debit linking with PayPal and CIMB's debit e.Mastercard allowing online purchases (Maybank's debit card does not), it's super convenient to buy online.

Okay, so this is starting to sound all information-y and advertorial-y. But these are the important details, no?!? This is what working life + managing your own budget does to you.

Will be purchasing those two books soon, and I'll let you know if Book Depository's service matches up to its  value-for-money price.

Till then, feast on these excerpts from above-mentioned books:

"I knew I was in the right place when I was told “This is the one restaurant where the customer isn’t always right.” When I started, I worked in the café upstairs, and learned how to let the leaves of just-picked lettuce fall from my hands into an airy heap on the plate just so. Later, when I moved to the pastry department, I reveled in the fraises des bois, tiny wild strawberries raised especially for us, each one a tiny burst of the most intense strawberry flavor imaginable, which we’d serve with just a scoop of nutty crème fraîche and a sprinkle of sugar, letting the flavor of the wild berries shine. We were making food that was meant to inspire, not be mindlessly ingested. With each flat of picture perfect fruit or berries I tore into, I realized I was part of something very special." -The Sweet Life in Paris, David Lebovitz

"The essence of Paris is lost if seen through the double glazing of a hotel room or from the top of a tour bus. You must be on foot, with chilled hands thrust into your pockets, scarf wrapped round your throat, and thoughts of a hot cafe creme in your imagination. It made the difference between simply being present and being there." -The Most Beautiful Walk in the World, John Baxter

Self-discovery

I am making a lot of little discoveries about myself. Discoveries that made me uncomfortable at first, but after awhile, I came to appreciate.

I used to think "self-discovery" was reserved for high school and university - that a degree would automatically confer on me some sort of illuminating Knowledge of what exactly I was supposed to do with my life. A few months post-university and the majority of it spent suffering from a major case of what-the-hell-am-I-doing-with-my-life-itis later, I have come to the conclusion that this is not the case after all.

What a relief to acquiesce to the fact that I am still learning, and that growing up and the discovery of self does not end with school.

So in the spirit of being young forever, here are some of my recent self-discoveries:

1. I like being around women more than I used to. I'd always found it easier to relate to men, but for the life of me, I can no longer understand why or how anymore.
2. I prefer less and good to more and average. From food to conversation to anything, really. I'm determined to fit into my old pre-UK clothes by eating anything I want, just less of it. (Watch this space for updates!) Also, these days, 2-3 delightfully stimulating tête-à-têtes with one or two very dear friends are much preferable to saying yes to every social invitation that comes my way. (I do realise I risk sounding like a snob, but I believe that it's very important to prioritize our nearest and dearest, and there are only so many days in a week.)
3. I am increasingly adopting a decidedly Epicurean philosophy towards life - ie. pleasure through the simple things in life.
4. I am not as fond of debating for its sake as I used to be. More and more things are just not worth expending breath and brain power on.
5. I appreciate manners, and especially greetings, a lot more because I realise I form much of my impressions of others based on their opening lines to me. And it is much more pleasant to be greeted with my name or 'Good morning / afternoon' than the infamously Malaysian 'EH!'
6. I finally have enough patience to read Jane Austen! This is a major accomplishment for a highly impatient reader who never had time for flowery language or intricate descriptions or minute, subtle observations on a person's character. 

That's it for now. Tell me about some of your recent discoveries, if you'd like.

Comfort food

Pizza with salami, mushrooms, peppers, semi-home made sauce, and homemade / hand rolled dough!

Roast pork with mustard cream sauce.

Hand -rolled pizza and pasta with one of the most addictive tomato-based sauces I've ever had.

This is what happens when I get inspired to cook. Lately I've been quite obsessed with Italian food. There's something very comforting about it.

Style has a name, and it's Kristina Bazan

Meet today's Audrey Hepburn: Kristina Bazan, 17 years old, so classy she will make you weep.

I'm not really fussed about fashion. For a blogoholic, I don't read any fashion blogs. Until I stumbled across Kayture.

Fashion-conscious or not, this blog will surely appeal to anyone with an appreciation for simplicity, elegance, and the lost art of subtlety.

Kristina Bazan is my new style inspiration for several reasons:

1. She's a model who's not industry-standard stick-thin. Healthiness is in.

2. She's attention-grabbing, not in a look-how-much-skin I'm showing way, but in an do-girls-these-classy-still-exist-these-days way.

3. She is a real person! A very personal, non-airbrushed side to her is revealed in her blog posts.

It's nice to know no matter how rare it may get, classiness never goes out of style.

Do you want to create? Then start.

A note to self on 'creative' writing:

"By the way, is “creative writer” a good description? Aren’t fiction writers really investigators, whose musings on reality turn into a sort of vomiting-forth of speculations, as seen from an eagle’s eye viewpoint, with convenient condensation of timeline and highlighting of major high and low points? Then how can they report on reality if their working life is no more than that reporting? A mirror facing nothing more than a mirror?

Also, I don’t believe in Creative Writing Courses. Do you want to create? Then start, and learn how to do even as you do. The vision, the idea, the vague picture in your mind, the obsession in your heart: these make books, not writing classes. Taking a writing class is like a man taking lessons in bicycle riding with the idea that he may some day own a bike. Creative writing is an expression of what is learned in life, in fascination, joy, horror, pain and suchlike.

Re opportunity: become a doctor, or a plumber, or something else useful where the usefulness is real, and not dependent on someone’s “artistic” judgment. Making a living by writing is well nigh impossible. Do something else. Becoming a creative writer depends on your desire, and your ability. Making a living by it depends on a fickle world." -Graham Worthington, self-published author of Zorn and Wake of the Raven

Apprendre le français

fashiontoast.com →

Bonjour à tous!

To keep myself motivated to lee-arhn (I always imagine words with 'r's in them like 'learn' being said with a French accent now), I will attempt to report regularly on my progress.

It is very much more motivating when there's someone learning alongside with you and someone fluent in the language to guide you and to practice with. I am très lucky to have both.

The start of learning something new is always the hardest right? Unsurprisingly my biggest challenges arheirre ze arheirres (or how I imagine a French person saying "are the 'r's" in my head). It takes lots of practice. And then there are the masculine and feminine pronouns and articles. Dear Lord.

Still, despite the challenges the language continues to fascinate me. Every new little nugget of French I learn is as delightful to my hunger to learn French as a macaroon is to my sweet tooth cravings. (Sigh I miss macaroons.)

So far, I've learned the basic nombres, am still figuring out when to use 'je' and 'moi', and 'tu' and 'vous', and barely getting a start at familiarizing myself with whether common nouns are masculine / feminine.

I'm also trying to learn useful / random phrases.

But so far all I can confidently say that is very useful (besides the usual salutations and greetings) is "Ravi de te rencontrer" (It's nice to meet you) and "Merci beaucoup" (Thank you very much).

I also discovered the phrase "l'heure bleue" - or "the blue hour", referring to twilight, which I think makes twilight sound just about a hundred times more romantic but can hardly see as being a very useful phrase for an amateur speaker of French.

I know random words like "le garçon" (boy), "la fille" (girl), "l'histoire" (story), "le morceau" (a piece), and "le fromage" (cheese) but without knowing how to form a sentence with them (YET!) they are not very useful. (Of course one of the very first words I learned  (mum don't read this), like anyone learning a foreign language, was a swear word, but I shall not retype it here.)

Well. It's a start. Progress will be made in weeks to come with the help of YouTube, Rocket French, and Skype calls with a native French speaker!

Till then, à bientôt!

The Thirty List

I found this whilst browsing through my old blog:

Bucket List

1. Visit Europe (Essentials: London, France, Italy, Scotland, Sweden, Ireland, Spain, Greece, the Netherlands)
2. Conquer Mount Kinabalu (the tallest mountain is in Southeast Asia and also located right in my backyard! Well... almost.)
3. Explore the Middle East
4. Become a certified deep sea diver (so I can dive anyplace in the world I land myself in)
5. Get a degree
6. Witness a white Christmas (and why not make a snow angel while I'm at it?)
7. Travel on a cruise ship (or even stepping on board for a few hours would be enough)
8. Fall in love
9. Get married
10. Open a coffeehouse and bakery
11. Give birth
12. Write a book
13. Own my own kitchen
14. Make a difference in someone's life

-2010-

I'm happy to report I've checked off 1 (or London, France, and Scotland, at least), 4, 5, 6, and 8! :)

It's a tad late in the year, but better late than never. Here's my revised 2011 Bucket List.

I have been spending the past two months thinking about what I want to do with my twenties - I was so driven and ambitious in my teens, and I think I've lost some of that! Plus, I'm quickly running out of time on my 9-year life plan that I decided upon at 15 (Finish high school - 16; Finish college - 19; Graduate from univesity - 21; Be working and living away from home, or married - 24).

I need a new life plan. So I actually should not call this a Bucket List, because this is really my list of things to do before I hit 30 (just 9 years to go, omg!). Then a new list begins.

1. Travel somewhere alone.
2. Tour France.
3. Visit Italy, Sweden, Greece, and the Middle East. (I don't really give a damn where I go, as long as it's somewhere new, but if I could pick, it'd be these places first.)
4. Speak French decently.
5. Travel on a cruise ship or luxury train.
6. Write a book. (Before 25)
7. Own a house.
8. Do humanitarian work for a year in a 3rd world country.
9. Achieve a Master's degree and/or ESL teaching certification. (Before 25)
10. Travel and teach anywhere outside Malaysia.

On a shorter term scale, my goals for the week are to start exercising and sleeping properly again. It's been a hectic past month, hence the lack of updates. Glad you're still reading! And tell me if you share some of the same goals - who knows, ours could overlap!

Inspired again, one day at a time

Recently, I've been inspired to write again.

I've found the courage to tell my stories. For now, at least.

It will keep on taking effort. It will require a daily dose of courage.

But it's an effort I want to make. Because am I a writer. Because that is how I connect with my world. Because that is how I create today, dream for the future, and make peace with the past.

I also want to travel the world. But that won't happen for at least another three years. So my goal for these three years, is to write. Daily. To tell the truth about the world, the way I see it. To share my journey with others, to challenge, identify with, inspire, or encourage other people in theirs.

At the end of three years, I want to have written enough to fill a book. I don't know what it will be about. I don't even have an overarching theme in mind. Yet. But I know it will be about love, culture, faith, technology, distance, and meaning.

I don't have a writing plan to get there - but I can write a little, a day at a time. So I'll start with that. I'll write what compels me. I will be honest. I will be real.

And we'll see where that takes me. It's going to be quite a journey.

Today's piece is titled, "Welcome to the real world", and it's based on a true story. That is all the additional detail I will reveal about this story.

Tell me what you think about it? :)

"They sat in Starbucks, facing each other in awkward silence. She, staring out the glass walls, looking out at the city traffic below, but not really seeing anything. Her body was here, but her mind refused to accept it. This was not happening. He was not sitting opposite her, so calmly, after three months apart, after The Phone Call.

The phone call had not happened. She didn't, in frustration and despair, tearfully demand to know what the hell was going on. He didn't slam the phone down and say he was done with this. With all of this, with her.

The last three months hadn't happened. He hadn't blown into her life like a whirlwind, out of nowhere, shaking up everything she had worked for and believed in. He didn't make her think, and challenge her more than anyone had before. He didn't bowl over her parents and friends in exactly the same way he swept her off her feet. He didn't make her feel like a princess, like the Most Important Girl in the World. And she didn't fall in love with him.

And he didn't leave, one week later, before making her his girlfriend, with the promise that he would be back. He didn't speak of glittering hopes for the future, of moonlight dancing and jazz bands and riverside walks, of Sunday mornings skipping to the market, of waking up in the same bed together. And she didn't believe him." Read the rest.