Seen

Some rights reserved by quinet

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." -Matthew 10:29-31 (NKJV)

Tiny meows and little feet.

Blank eyes and a large garbage bag.

I stop my car and you patter underneath, your wobbly legs trembling with every step, broken tail trailing behind you.

I make a U-turn in the pouring rain and you are still there, carrying your heavy burden behind you, hunched over, hobbling along the highway as drivers speed past without a second glance.

You are just an abandoned stray kitten.

You are just an old, raggedy street bum.

Nobody sees you.

Nobody cares.

Why should they? You don't contribute anything of value. Nobody would notice if you're gone. That small bundle of skin and bones that will become tomorrow's roadkill. That mentally unstable, drugged out alcoholic whose own family doesn't even want him.

No one else sees you. But I do. And I cannot. look. away.

I cannot because I have questioned my own value and worth. I have wondered if anyone would even notice if I'm gone. I have believed that my life was meaningless and that I had nothing to hope for.

I cannot look away because if I believe those things to be true about you then I would have to believe the same thing about myself.

Nobody sees your struggles. Nobody sees mine. Nobody feels your loneliness. Nobody feels mine.

But I know that cannot be true. I know I am seen, held, even... loved. And the same arms that hold me and the same eyes that see me must belong to the same person who cares for you in the same way.

The same person who says that you are not insignificant.

You are not a number. You are not a statistic.

You are not just a pile of skin and bones.

You are not your past, your mistakes, or where you came from.

I must believe those things are true for you. So I can believe the same is true for me.

So I pick you up in my arms, a squirming bundle of claws and meows. I take you home and give you a bath. I send out an e-mail asking if anyone can give you a new home. I wait and hope for someone to give you a second chance.

So I stop my car in the thunderstorm and I ask, "Encik, mana you mau pergi?". And you mumble something incoherently and although I only drop you a short way down the road and even though I wonder if you even know where you want to go and if I made any difference at all, I hope at least you will realise you are not unseen.

“Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these, my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’" -Matthew 25:37-40

Changed

A week ago before I left for Kota Kinabalu to climb one of Southeast Asia's highest peaks and to enjoy some time out, my youngest brother asked me, "When are you coming back?"

To which I replied, "I'm not coming back."

To which he gave me a blank, "whatever" sort of stare. "Serious la..."

I replied, "Seriously, the person that will be climbing down the mountain won't be the same person that climbed up."

It's true. 

I've known for some time now that travelling changes you like little else can. Yet somehow, it still catches me by surprise every time I travel and change, grow, and stretch myself a little bit more. 

Someone once wrote that "no journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within." 

The past five days in KK have done just that. 

I climbed to the peak of Mount Kinabalu, the burden of my backpack weighing down on me, carrying also the burden of past mistakes, people who have hurt me, and things I needed to let go of. 

I trudged through pelting rain and cold winds, knowing that as cold and miserable as the rain was it would wash away the dust and dirt of everyday life and leave things fresh and new again. 

I watched the landscape and weather change as we trekked through dense tropical jungle, through rocky, temperate hills, and finally, over massive bare granite slabs, as I thought about how the landscape of my soul has changed as I journeyed through different seasons in life.

I battled with my mind telling me, "you can't make it", to push through the last few stages of the climb, where the peak felt so close and yet so incredibly far. I fought with my heart against giving up on hope, love, and second chances that felt so close and yet at the same time, so impossible for someone like me.

I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to do the very last things I wanted to do, things that scared the crap out of me, like ice cold showers and being vulnerable. 

I depended on others - to guide me, support me, encourage me, inspire me, motivate me, walk beside me, and tell me that it's okay and I'd make it through when I doubted myself. 

I let go. Of expectations, of things that weighed me down, of excuses, of the fear of things changing. 

I embraced the change.

And changed.

Five days away, and I came back a different person - skin a little tanner, legs a little more sore, one more item checked off my bucket list. 

But beyond that, I've come home a little bit more satisfied, a little bit stronger, and a little bit braver. 

I conquered not just a physical mountain, but also intimidating mountains in my soul. And I've learned not so much that I'm stronger than I think I am, but that I have a Source of strength I can draw from that is more than enough to compensate for my fears, my weaknesses, and my doubt. 

I've learned that journeys are meant to be shared, and that it's okay to need others. I've learned that I can say, "I don't know if I can do this," and not be judged or criticised for it, that there are plenty of generous people willing to lend a helping hand or an encouraging word, and that travelling is  a lot more fun in good company. 

I've been reminded that although this journey through life is often difficult, long, and arduous... it is also so heart-breakingly beautiful. And no matter what discouragement or setbacks you may face, everything is worth it for the moments that come and steal your breath away along the way.

I'm learning to live a little bit deeper within myself. To chase after my goals and dreams, even if I'm not sure I have what it takes to reach them. To always stay open. To hope, to life, to love, to change... to new beginnings. 

Reminded

I find that the more I explore, the more I get out there and just experience life - meeting new people, experiencing new things, taking risks, reaching for goals - the more I reach out to the world around me and take steps forward into uncharted territory... the more precious it becomes to take the time to pause, step back, and draw inwards to reflect and recharge.

The past three weeks have been crazy, fun-filled, mind-blowing weeks where I had the privilege to do stuff I never thought I'd be able to - not this soon, at least. And in a few days, I'll be checking one item off my bucket list - climbing Mount Kinabalu - again, something I'd always wanted to do but never thought that I'd be able to do so soon.

At a glance, all these things seem so exciting, so 'adventurous', as people have often described my life. But it's in the quiet moments that I realise it's not the 'big' things that give my life meaning. It's not the visible 'accomplishments' or 'success' that took the most effort or courage to achieve; it's the hidden battles that no one sees that don't come easy.

Despite my varied interests and activities, I'm still very much a writer at heart. Which means I'm a deeply private person. I don't naturally enjoy prolonged socialising and interacting with people - getting out there and taking the initiative to make connections and volunteer myself for things is not something that comes easily for me. Hard to believe sometimes maybe, but it's true.

Yet I find myself pushing myself out of my comfort zone and doing the very things I struggle with.

And in the quiet moments, I ask myself, Why are you doing all these things, Crys? Is it out of a sense of pride in my accomplishments? Is it so people will see how good or accomplished a person you are? Is it just to prove a point to the people who have discouraged you or said "You can't" along the way? 

Maybe it's a little of all those things. I am only human. But I think if I were driven solely by those things, I'd have burned out a long time ago.

And so I ask myself, on an almost daily basis, Why do I bother doing what I do? What is it that I really want to do with my life? How is the way I'm living today helping me get to that ultimate goal?

I find myself, again and again, coming back to the same answers.

I want to make a difference. But not just any difference. I want to be a force for good. I want to give to others, because people have given to me. I want to inspire others, because people have inspired me. I want to bring hope, just as I have been given hope. I want to love, just as I have been loved.

It's never an easy road to take to choose to live by and stand for the things you believe in. It's very often, in fact, exhausting. But every time I start feeling tired I remind myself of how blessed and loved I am, and I focus on all the good things that are in my life, and somehow, I find enough strength to keep moving forward in this journey of learning to love and help and serve those around me better.

This weekend, this song has been the refreshing reminder I needed. I've been drowning myself in the lyrics and melodies and literally looping it over and over again as I caught up on some much-needed rest over the weekend. Hope it blesses you too.

Change the nation, one family at a time

Coalition 58 needs your help in adopting and donating to families in need in our community in support of RunNat GRACE.

What is Coalition 58? An alliance of Christian NGOs working in co-operation with churches including: Malaysian Care, Harvest Bhd, Partners In Enterprise (M), Sports Partnership (M) Sdn Bhd, and Hands for Good (CCM). Coalition 58 seeks to stir up and empower a generation of Christian youths to be salt and light to the poor and oppressed in communities around them.

What is RunNat GRACE? Run for the Nation (RunNat) is an annual running event created as a platform for Christians to come together to run and pray for the community. RunNat GRACE aims to take this prayer a step further – by being the answer to prayers. During this year’s RunNat in October, runners could choose to help raise funds as they ran for families in need represented through the Coalition 58 organisations.  The runners then will work with the particular NGO that is representing their sponsored families to help execute projects that will help the families build a new life.

The vision of Run Nat GRACE & Coalition58: To create a new form of charity, one that is not touch & go... or just giving hand outs, but one that creates sustainable solutions.

How can I help? Post RunNat 2011, RunNat GRACE is still short of RM 55-60k for the families as there were not enough funds raised. Some families in need have received nothing/not received all they need. Coalition 58 needs your help in providing funds to help these families rebuild their lives. They are also looking to recruit young volunteers  for RunNat.

Interested? Contact jch.khoo@gmail.com. 

Adventurously expectant

Last week at After-Alpha we watched a video about the Bible's relevance in our lives today. Nicky Gumbel, the speaker, told a story of this young woman (journalist if I recall correctly?) who was reading a novel by a certain author and hated it. One day at a party, she met a young man who charmed her socks off. To her surprise, she discovered he was the author of the novel she disliked. That night she went home and reread the entire novel, seeing each line and paragraph in a new light, after having encountered the person who wrote it.

That pretty much sums up the way I read the Bible these days.

I think my life has done a 180 turn since returning from the UK - back in July I was pretty much lost, not sure what I wanted to do with my life, and holding on to quite a bit of the past and fears about the future. I think that's changed since... for the better.

And I'm so thankful. So thankful for the past five months. So thankful for the lessons it's taught me. So thankful for the emptiness, the lostness... that brought me here. So thankful that I'm in a place where I wake up every day and can say that I love the life I live. So thankful I'm learning to let go of my uncertainly of the future and my near-sighted plans... and embrace whatever's next.

So thankful that these days, when I flip through the pages of this precious Book, every word speaks LIFE into my soul.

"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!" 

-Romans 8:15-17

Endless energy, boundless strength - Why I do what I do

I doubt two weeks have ever passed faster in my life, as the past two weeks have.

Taking some time out to reflect and look back at it, I'm so amazed at how Big Idea, a forum/workshop to inspire young people to Creativity, Big Ideas, and pursuing their dreams, was weaved together in just the last two and a half weeks.

A mere two and a half weeks ago, I had a Big Idea. I approached two sisters who run their own company, founded on another Big Idea, and we decided to combine our ideas and organise this Big Idea event.

In these two weeks, people have come into our Team and our lives, catching the vision and providing the support, encouragement, funds, and resources needed to make this Big Idea a reality.

Next Friday, more than 80 creative, passionate, and brilliant young minds will meet at KLPac in the beautiful Sentul Park, to hear seven highly accomplished and successful speakers from a wide range of fields and industries - from business to music, from magic to environmental protection, from community outreach to hairstyling, from motivational training to corporate talent development - share their insights on creativity and how they got to where they are today.

Looking at how it all came together, I am so blown away - and so thankful for the privilege of working with such amazing, motivated, and passionate people and such an inspiring project.

But above all I'm so thankful that I work with a team whose priority is God - whose priority is advancing His values and His truth and His creativity not just within the walls of the church - but beyond it.

Today on the way back home on the LRT I was reading a passage from Ephesians that I felt was very fitting for the Team in this season that I pray might bless you too:

"I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!

All this energy issues from Christ: God raised him from death and set him on a throne in deep heaven, in charge of running the universe, everything from galaxies to governments, no name and no power exempt from his rule. And not just for the time being, but forever. He is in charge of it all, has the final word on everything. At the center of all this, Christ rules the church. 

The church, you see, is not peripheral to the world; the world is peripheral to the church. The church is Christ's body, in which he speaks and acts, by which he fills everything with his presence."

-Ephesians 1 (The Message)

My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. 
-John 10:10 (NLT)

Live creatively, friends. 

Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't compare yourself with others. Take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.

-Galatians 6:1-5 (The Message)

Thankful

My last post talked about feeling empty, and lacking.

So I thought it would be a good time to focus on the opposite - on abundance and fullness.

Despite what I lack, when I have some down time to stop and clear my head - usually stuck in a jam or on the LRT after work - I never fail to be reminded of the abundance of blessings that my life is flooded with.

I could do with more thankfulness. I think all of us could. There are a million and one things we take for granted every day, every moment, that we forget to say 'thank you' for.

Someone once said if the only prayer you ever said was "Thank you", that would be enough (Meister Eckhart). I completely agree. Except I would add "I'm sorry" to "Thank you." I think those four little words are the most important words anyone could ever learn.

So this is a thankful post, counting the dozens of blessings that have been showered on me.

I'm thankful for:

• Amazing friends
• Answered prayers for Good People to come into my life  
• Working for a company whose values I share and whose vision I can believe in
• Getting plugged back into a community of believers who come together in a way I've always dreamed to see - with no regards for denomination, without being judgemental or critical, but being real, admitting we're not perfect, and just doing life together as we learn to be more like Him
• Being reminded and inspired again to live each day as if it were my last while watching Jayesslee live
• The chance to be part of an amazing global competition with the prize of a year-long trip around the world for Good Causes
• A new PC
• Being able to afford brand new books
• Being challenged to think and dream bigger
• Discovering an awesome new chocolate cake recipe with Joanne
• Working together with an amazing team behind CultureRun's Big Idea
• An opportunity to climb Mount Kinabalu (which has always been on my bucket list) that appeared out of the blue
• The occasionally-crazy, but also the sweetest, most loving cat in the world that makes me look forward to coming home every day
• Home-baked goodness
• Inspiring and challenging conversations that leave me fired up to do more, live more, be more, love more
• His grace, that is always enough

My cup overflows.

Abandoned

So things have been a little crazy lately...

Every time things get this way, I crave some quiet downtime, and though I might not be able to grab as much of it as I'd like to, I enjoy spending such time unwinding with some thoughtful music and typing my thoughts out here.

Lots of exciting stuff has been happening lately, which I've become over the last few weeks, very familiar with pitching to anyone and everyone I meet. But this space and this time isn't for talking about those things. It's for talking about real.

Real is the fact that in spite of the whirlwind of activity going on around me, there are still the quiet, empty moments - that somehow seem to be felt even more acutely against the flurry of events taking place.

Real is me very much wondering if where I am and what I'm doing is where God wants me to be.

Real is wishing I could trade all these amazing things for the simple things - for a shoulder to rest my head on, for a hand and a heart to hold.

Real is asking how much longer I have to wait for those things.

Real is trying not to lose sight of the goals I run towards as distractions crowd in from all sides.

I want so many things. More time. More energy. Someone special. A simpler way to do things. A less scary way to reach for my dreams. I want a lazy day in.

At times like these when I look at all I lack, my hands and heart feel so empty, so aching to be filled.

I suppose this is what it means to devote yourself to something with abandon. To spend yourself to the last drop on something you consider most worthy over every other love. I guess the reason I'm still here pursuing what I believe is worthwhile over pursuing what I want... is that I've found that Something.

Something I wouldn't trade for easier, for less scary, for someone to love me and hold me the way I want to be loved and held right this instant. Something infinitely better than all the other good things I can think about.  Something I would spend every last reserve on, even if it means all my other loves take a backseat.

Times like these my hands and heart feel so empty - but I know, even though I don't feel it - that they are being filled, with the kind of fullness that comes from spending every last bit of yourself until nothing remains... only whatever you have been spending yourself on.

I know even though I may feel tired, afraid, discouraged, lonely - I know I am being changed. Slowly, but surely. The thought processes that take place in my head, the instinctive reactions I have to things - slowly, they are being changed.

Speaking of spending myself, I have been very challenged by the life of an amazing man, William Borden, who understood exactly what it meant to abandon yourself to a worthy cause. I have this quote book that's one of my most cherished possessions in which I write down every quote that's meant a lot to me and carried me through the seasons of life.

On the front page, I wrote his words:

"No reserves. No retreat. No regrets."

I pray with every morning I wake and every breath I take that those words will be my life's prayer.

No reserves.

No retreat.

No regrets.