this is a great job... but what if i'm not good enough for it? this relationship is helping me grow in so many ways... but what if i'm not good enough to handle it? what if i let people down? what if i mess up? what if i ruin a beautiful thing? what if? what if?
i've been in one of those seasons for some months now. there are days i just look around me and my breath catches in my throat because i am so acutely aware of who i used be be and where i used to be and how far a cry that is from who i am today and where i am today.
the person i used to be was selfish, reclusive, fearful, ashamed, insecure, proud, sarcastic, detached, aloof. there used to be times in my life when i would honestly wonder if there were better days ahead. i grew up on hand-me downs and borrowed library books and recycled toys and counting every cent. i grew up learning to be practical, tough, stoic... and incredibly ambitious and goal-driven. i used to have a scarcity mentality and grew up believing i had to work incredibly hard and grab any opportunity that came my way to succeed, and to succeed at all costs. i was driven, tough, demanding, and incredibly ungracious, and unmerciful... both to others and myself.
and today, where i am today... everything looks so different. i've found myself in a place where old habits and ways of succeeding just didn't seem to work anymore, and i knew i needed something more than the ambition and tough, lone ranger, i-can-do-it-all attitude that i had gotten by with thus far.
that something more has been, and is, grace.
grace has taught me that strength is not a tough, emotionless front, or being able to put on a cheerful mask when everything inside is in turmoil, but strength is in vulnerability, in learning to need others, in learning who you can trust. grace has taught me the importance of good relationships and of being selective of the voices that you listen to, because they are what will either help you get to where you need to be, or lead you astray. grace has taught me the principle of investing, of sowing and reaping, that there is a time and a season for everything, and to learn to trust the process even before i can see the returns. grace has given me eyes to see the abundance where i could only see lack, to see in all the challenges countless opportunities for growth, and grace has taught me to be kind, to myself and to others.
i look back on my life and all i see is instance after instance of grace, and at times like this it's almost too much and i well up, thinking, 'how on earth do i live up to all of this? do i have what it takes?'
i've been on this journey for some time now of learning what it means to hold a leadership position in the company i work for, and what it means to prepare myself to be a life partner to someone in the relationship i'm in, and on both counts, i'm in unfamiliar territory. i've held leadership positions before and i've done relationships before... but this time round, it's different.
maybe it's part of growing up and accepting more responsibility, but i do feel that these journeys carry a lot more gravity and weight than any i've experienced before. maybe it's part of being so much more aware of the responsibility for the lives of others, whether it's for someone else's career progression... or someone's else's heart.
i find myself asking, "am i secure enough in myself to lead others?" in the same breath as i ask, "am i secure enough in myself to submit and follow another person's leading?" i wonder, "am i a good enough steward to hold so much influence?" in the same way i wonder, "am i a faithful enough person to hold someone's heart?" and every day, my prayer is the same: "i don't know how to do this, God, but please teach me, because there isn't a manual for this!"
these days it's become quite a familiar feeling to wake up in the morning feeling so unprepared, so incapable, so ill-equipped to face what's ahead of me... but the beauty of grace is that it always shines through best in the murky waters of uncertainty and doubt.
i'm learning that grace rarely makes sense. grace is that thing that happens when it's not supposed to happen, that breakthrough that came that was not supposed to come, that second wind you discover just when you think you've hit the wall, that open door that was supposed to be impossible to pass through.
my pastor recently said in response to someone who asked him how he did it all, "i find the grace... and i work in it." i think more often than not, for most of us, it's grace that finds us, rather than the other way around. and i'm learning not to question it so much these days, to stop asking why, and how, but to accept it for what it is, and to just keep going as long as that grace rises up to meet me.
amazing grace, how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
i once was lost but now am found
was blind but now i see
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