Life is what we make it

I should be nipping to the shops to stock up on some groceries but there's just a bit of coffee left in my mug and so I sit here, typing away on my keyboard, on the pretext of finishing up my coffee before it gets cold, but truthfully, I just want to get the thoughts in my head out here.

Today, I took a mental stock count of the things, experiences, and people I have in my life and it dawned on me that there used to be a day where I would only dream about such things.

There used to be a time in my life when I would try to have deep conversations with people only to be made fun of and laughed at for being so 'deep' and 'intellectual' and for using 'such big words'. It turns out that there are a whole lot of closet geeks and dreamers out there just dying for 'deep' conversation, as I've discovered.

I find these days that I can hardly go a day or at most, two, without having some sort of 'deep' conversation with someone. The best part is, they're no longer just with like-minded strangers over the Internet but with people I know in real-life and have the privilege of calling friends.

There used to be a time when travelling the world and living in a different country and culture was nothing but a fairytale - and despite the fact that today it is a reality, I occasionally pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming.

Not too long ago, I would read books and blogs by strong, capable, independent, self-assured women from all across the globe. I would wish so hard to be as self-fulfilled, confident, content with life yet driven by inspiration, and wise beyond their years as these women were.

I would wish I could find girlfriends in women like them. Women who do not feel threatened by another woman's presence, who are able to speak their mind without manipulation, beating around the bush, and mind games, who are trustworthy and reliable, who do not change loyalties and moods as often as a mood ring changes colour. 

Today, while I still draw inspiration and strength from examples of strong female writers, I find myself increasingly content with who I am - I find myself learning to find satisfaction and purpose in my unique roles, circumstances, and opportunities instead of comparing them to another girl's.

I find myself being able to celebrate the successes of other women while being proud of my own. I find myself able to call other women beautiful and look myself in the mirror and tell myself that I am, too. I find myself being able to share my heart with a company of women whom I trust not to bitch about me, betray me, or backstab me.

As I take stock of all these things I once wished I had, and now, actually have - I wonder if it is indeed true that life is what we make it, and that we attract into our lives what we fix our thoughts and hearts on.

Because from where I'm standing, it's pretty hard not to believe that's true. I've watched so many people who complain about the things they don't have and say they'll never get them and guess what? They're right - they don't ever get them, because they don't even believe they will. They probably don't even believe those things exist, at least not for them.

But you know what? 'Seek and you will find.' Those looking for beauty and purpose and passion in the world will find them, even in the most unexpected places and people. Those looking for things to moan and whine about... guess what? Will find them too, even in the most beautiful of places.

As unattainable as some things may seem, it's not as crazy to hope for them as it is to NOT hope for them. Even if you don't get all that you hoped for, you'll get something. Which is better than not ever wanting anything, not ever trying for anything, and ending up with nothing.

“two years ago, i was afraid of wanting anything. i figured wanting would lead to trying and trying would lead to failure. but now i find i can’t stop wanting. i want to fly somewhere on first class. i want to travel to europe on a business trip. i want to get invited to the white house. i want to learn about the world. i want to surprise myself. i want to be important. i want to be the best person i can be. i want to define myself, instead of having others define me. i want to win, and have people happy for me. i want to lose and get over it. i want to not be afraid of the unknown. i want to grow up to be generous and big-hearted, the way that people have been with me. i want an interesting and surprising life. it’s not that i think that i’m going to get all these things. i just want the possibility of getting them. college represents possibility. the possibility that things are going to change. i can’t wait.” - friday night lights