nobody's someone (or it's okay to be you)

it's been some time since i've wrote properly in here. more than a month has passed since my last proper post, and actually being able to find some quiet time to type in here is a refreshing change ... anddd wait, that's the phone ringing!

...okay, we're back.

i guess it took being forced to write down my thoughts and reflections (as part of an intensive staff training programme we're doing company-wide) to remind me how much i missed this whole reflective process. just the simple act of taking a few minutes in a day to stop, block out everything, and just clear the mess of thoughts in my head and put it down in words is incredibly therapeutic.

“When people don’t express themselves, they die one piece at a time. You’d be shocked at how many adults are really dead inside—walking through their days with no idea who they are, just waiting for a heart attack or cancer or a Mack truck to come along and finish the job. It’s the saddest thing I know.” -Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

it's not only therapeutic - taking the time to reflect allows me to digest and appreciate the many things that have been happening, and also to gain perspective on where i am today. sometimes life feels like being tossed about on waves in a storm. but reminding myself of who i am, where i came from, where i'm going is like going back to the steering wheel and navigational instruments and knowing that as long as i keep a firm grip on what matters, i'll sail through the storm okay.

“It takes a certain ingenuous faith - but I have it - to believe that people who read and reflect more likely than not come to judge things with liberality and truth.” -A.C. Grayling, The Heart of Things: Applying Philosophy to the 21st Century

one of my reasons excuses for not spending as much time reflecting as i used to / ought to is simply that the past half a year has flown by. last month marked an entire year of working full time with the company. since then, so much has changed from where i first started out, and i don't think the person i was a year ago would recognise who i am today!

since i first moved into this exciting new start-up at the beginning of this year, it's been like running at top speed on a never-ending treadmill - incredibly demanding and exhausting, but also incredibly exhilarating when it hits you that you're breaking all your previous records and going further than you ever thought you were capable of - and you're still running.

it didn't fully sink in how much things had changed until a conversation with some good, long-time friends... and some good ol' reflective journalling. i realised that every thing i wanted and said i would do a year ago has changed. somehow, i blinked, a year passed, and from having everything figured out i went to not having a clue about what i want. BAM. it's scary when that realisation hits you. but at the same time, it's incredibly liberating.

in the iconic words of tyler durden, it's only after we've lost everything (all our preconceived notions about how things 'should' be, our aspirations, our plans) - that we're free to do anything.

from where i'm standing right now, anything could happen. from my horizon, the possibilities look pretty limitless. all of a sudden, i find myself thinking that maybe it's okay to not have everything figured out, and take things one step at a time. that's going to be a little hard for a compulsive planner like me, who has planned her life in advance since i was 15... but i'll make it.

it's taken a lot of internal wrestling, but i've finally accepted that i'm not superwoman. i can't do everything i want to. i am, like the rest of the human race, limited to the same 24 hours each day. and i've decided that instead of wasting my energy trying to figure tomorrow out, i need to live today. if i try to juggle what i have, while trying to grab on to more plates that may not be mine to juggle - sooner or later, something's got to give.

a friend told me, 'crys, your achievements surpass most people your age. you have amazing drive and if your doing all these things for the right reasons, that's great. but if you're always doing it to please or impress others, or to 'deserve' things, crys, that's just tiring.'

i've known this for a long time - that i'm a people-pleaser and i always worry about whether i'm living up to people's expectations, worry about what people think of me, or worry about whether people like me. but hearing the brutal truth from someone else - to your face - is always a good wake-up call.

she told me, 'crys, you don't have to be somebody's someone. you can just be you. there's nothing wrong with that. there are people who care about you for who you are. not what you can offer them or what you can do for them.'

i know those are simple words. ridiculously simple, actually. but hearing it from someone else was liberating. there's enough inspiring quotes and motivational books out there telling us to be who we were created to be. to be unique and all that jazz. but hearing a close friend say, 'you can just be you' - was powerful. it was like being officially given permission. permission to stop trying to be someone else's version of perfect. permission to go be amazing and change the world, but for the right reasons. permission to BE, not do, or try.

so to close, here's a little challenge for you: who's someone you know who needs to hear those words? be the person to say it. or if you're needing to hear those words, i could type it out here: it's okay to be you. but that's not going to be good enough. so seek out the right people whom you know will say that to you. they might not say it the way you want to hear it, but i'm pretty sure everyone has someone who cares enough to say that to you. give people a chance.