it's been a long time since i've felt so fired up.
for the first time in a very long time, i feel like oh.my.goodness. this is how things are supposed to be. this is where i am supposed to be.
over the last few weeks, i've made some bold choices. (choices that were also fueled by the privilege of having a lot of time + guidance to do a lot of soul-searching + reflecting... cosmic / divine intervention, perhaps?)
i decided to stop choosing the cheap easy way out of not rocking the boat, of settling for 'normal'. i decided that i want instead the other kind of easy - the quality kind of easy -
where i stop trying so hard to make sure i have it all figured out,
where i stop fighting against the current,
where i stop letting myself be pulled in all different directions,
where i stop being afraid to make decisions because i want to keep all my options open,
and where i tell myself that all that is just not worth it, and walk away.
because i have better things to do with my energy. and because in saying no to all that, i'm saying yes to grace, and yes to trusting.
yes to trusting that here is exactly where i am supposed to be. me is exactly who i am supposed to be. this is exactly what i am supposed to be doing. i don't have to try so hard all the time.
i've had conversation after conversation this week - and like a broken record, i find the words of my story spilling out from within. words filled with so much life, so much passion, so much intensity that even listening to myself, i go, whoa, who is this girl?!? in my head.
over and over again, i've been telling people - i used to have it all figured out. graduate, get the master's degree, get married at 24, be my own boss, open a coffeehouse, write a book, freelance + travel the world. that was my big brilliant plan for life, and i was not going to give it up at any cost.
then life happened. i fell in and out of love more times than you would think necessary for me to learn that the kind of love that makes you want to take that leap into marriage doesn't come easy. i got a scholarship and ended up working in the last place i ever imagined i'd be, at a 9-5 corporate job. and to my 16-year old self who set all those goals for myself, right now, i probably don't look like i'm on track towards achieving them.
yet i've never felt this liberated in my life.
through a combination of factors over the past week - a series of soul-searching conversations with friends, reading books like the purpose driven life and the firestarter sessions, and attending a personal development workshop and doing a series of reflective exercises at work - it's like the lights came on for me.
we did this activity during the workshop to help us discover our values - the key base factors that drive everything we do. and surprisingly, mine wasn't about travel or creativity or having a freelance career or all these things i used to think were super important for me to live a happy, fulfilled life.
i discovered that the reason i wanted all those things was ultimately being driven by a deeper desire for other things.
the reason travel is so important to me is because it represents variety. but i would rather live in one place while having a variety of experiences than travel around the world doing the same things - like flying from one business meeting to another, and being stuck in similar-looking meeting rooms, hotels, and business class lounges.
the reason having a freelance career is so important to me is because for me that represents freedom, and choices. but i might not necessarily have freedom if i'm a freelancer struggling to pay my bills. and conversely, i could be employed but in a position where i'm given many opportunities and choices. so it really boils down to having the power of choice - and the freedom of feeling that whatever i'm doing, i am not compromising on who i am.
the reason freedom and choices are so important to me is because ultimately, i want the freedom of choice - to live up to my fullest potential, without expectations or obligations holding me back, or feeling that i need to conform to the status quo.
when it comes down to it, that one thing that drives my life is this: the desire to be sure that whatever choice i make is the absolute best. one of the saddest stories i've ever heard is of walt disney's friend, art linkletter, who was driving with him through the orange orchard that would become disneyland when the idea for the theme park first hit disney. walt disney invited art to partner with him to build disneyland - but he couldn't see the potential of it. years later, as he walked through that former orchard that they drove past, now disneyland, he thought of the millions and millions of dollars he had lost because he missed the opportunity to be a part of walt disney's dream.
that's what drives my life. whatever i'm doing, i want to know - this is it. this is 100% the best thing i can be doing with my life right now. right now it might mean giving up the comfort and security of a stable relationship so i can focus on working towards a vision i believe in. 10 years later, it might mean giving up an incredible career because my kids are the most important thing to invest in. whatever it is, i realised i don't care so much what i do - as long as i know for sure that whatever i'm doing is not second best.
the moment i realised that, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head - no, a million lightbulbs - and a blaze ignited somewhere deep within. so this is why i've made the choices i've made and given up the 'dreams' i've given up. yes, where i am may not be where i expected to be, but that doesn't mean i'm compromising on my values or my dreams.
i never expected i would be 22, not be in a relationship that's headed towards marriage, be working at a corporate job - and not only being okay with it, but loving where i am (but that's another long story for another post). i'm glad i didn't win that trip around the world. i'm glad things didn't work out the way i wanted them to. otherwise i wouldn't have discovered how much i love what i'm actually doing right now.
yes, things haven't quite turned out as i wanted. i wanted good. but what if in letting go of good, in giving up the desperate, frantic search for it... i allow room for amazing to rush in? what if maybe i don't have to chase an amazing life but i actually need to slow down, so it can catch up with me?
what if it's already in front of me?
what if i'm as free as i choose to be?
what if?
"I'm going for revolutionary, thank you. Not warm - hot. Not bright - blazing." -Danielle LaPorte
for the first time in a very long time, i feel like oh.my.goodness. this is how things are supposed to be. this is where i am supposed to be.
over the last few weeks, i've made some bold choices. (choices that were also fueled by the privilege of having a lot of time + guidance to do a lot of soul-searching + reflecting... cosmic / divine intervention, perhaps?)
i decided to stop choosing the cheap easy way out of not rocking the boat, of settling for 'normal'. i decided that i want instead the other kind of easy - the quality kind of easy -
where i stop trying so hard to make sure i have it all figured out,
where i stop fighting against the current,
where i stop letting myself be pulled in all different directions,
where i stop being afraid to make decisions because i want to keep all my options open,
and where i tell myself that all that is just not worth it, and walk away.
because i have better things to do with my energy. and because in saying no to all that, i'm saying yes to grace, and yes to trusting.
yes to trusting that here is exactly where i am supposed to be. me is exactly who i am supposed to be. this is exactly what i am supposed to be doing. i don't have to try so hard all the time.
i've had conversation after conversation this week - and like a broken record, i find the words of my story spilling out from within. words filled with so much life, so much passion, so much intensity that even listening to myself, i go, whoa, who is this girl?!? in my head.
over and over again, i've been telling people - i used to have it all figured out. graduate, get the master's degree, get married at 24, be my own boss, open a coffeehouse, write a book, freelance + travel the world. that was my big brilliant plan for life, and i was not going to give it up at any cost.
then life happened. i fell in and out of love more times than you would think necessary for me to learn that the kind of love that makes you want to take that leap into marriage doesn't come easy. i got a scholarship and ended up working in the last place i ever imagined i'd be, at a 9-5 corporate job. and to my 16-year old self who set all those goals for myself, right now, i probably don't look like i'm on track towards achieving them.
yet i've never felt this liberated in my life.
through a combination of factors over the past week - a series of soul-searching conversations with friends, reading books like the purpose driven life and the firestarter sessions, and attending a personal development workshop and doing a series of reflective exercises at work - it's like the lights came on for me.
we did this activity during the workshop to help us discover our values - the key base factors that drive everything we do. and surprisingly, mine wasn't about travel or creativity or having a freelance career or all these things i used to think were super important for me to live a happy, fulfilled life.
i discovered that the reason i wanted all those things was ultimately being driven by a deeper desire for other things.
the reason travel is so important to me is because it represents variety. but i would rather live in one place while having a variety of experiences than travel around the world doing the same things - like flying from one business meeting to another, and being stuck in similar-looking meeting rooms, hotels, and business class lounges.
the reason having a freelance career is so important to me is because for me that represents freedom, and choices. but i might not necessarily have freedom if i'm a freelancer struggling to pay my bills. and conversely, i could be employed but in a position where i'm given many opportunities and choices. so it really boils down to having the power of choice - and the freedom of feeling that whatever i'm doing, i am not compromising on who i am.
the reason freedom and choices are so important to me is because ultimately, i want the freedom of choice - to live up to my fullest potential, without expectations or obligations holding me back, or feeling that i need to conform to the status quo.
when it comes down to it, that one thing that drives my life is this: the desire to be sure that whatever choice i make is the absolute best. one of the saddest stories i've ever heard is of walt disney's friend, art linkletter, who was driving with him through the orange orchard that would become disneyland when the idea for the theme park first hit disney. walt disney invited art to partner with him to build disneyland - but he couldn't see the potential of it. years later, as he walked through that former orchard that they drove past, now disneyland, he thought of the millions and millions of dollars he had lost because he missed the opportunity to be a part of walt disney's dream.
that's what drives my life. whatever i'm doing, i want to know - this is it. this is 100% the best thing i can be doing with my life right now. right now it might mean giving up the comfort and security of a stable relationship so i can focus on working towards a vision i believe in. 10 years later, it might mean giving up an incredible career because my kids are the most important thing to invest in. whatever it is, i realised i don't care so much what i do - as long as i know for sure that whatever i'm doing is not second best.
the moment i realised that, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head - no, a million lightbulbs - and a blaze ignited somewhere deep within. so this is why i've made the choices i've made and given up the 'dreams' i've given up. yes, where i am may not be where i expected to be, but that doesn't mean i'm compromising on my values or my dreams.
i never expected i would be 22, not be in a relationship that's headed towards marriage, be working at a corporate job - and not only being okay with it, but loving where i am (but that's another long story for another post). i'm glad i didn't win that trip around the world. i'm glad things didn't work out the way i wanted them to. otherwise i wouldn't have discovered how much i love what i'm actually doing right now.
yes, things haven't quite turned out as i wanted. i wanted good. but what if in letting go of good, in giving up the desperate, frantic search for it... i allow room for amazing to rush in? what if maybe i don't have to chase an amazing life but i actually need to slow down, so it can catch up with me?
what if it's already in front of me?
what if i'm as free as i choose to be?
what if?
"You know what's easy? Dreaming. Hanging out with people who make you feel good. Laughing. Resting. Being passionate. There is nothing as easy as being inspired." -Danielle LaPorte
"Jonathan Livingston Seagull . . . was no ordinary bird. Most gulls don’t bother to learn more than the simplest facts of flight— how to get from shore to food and back again. For most gulls, it is not flying that matters, but eating. For this gull, though, it was not eating that mattered, but flight. More than anything else, Jonathan Livingston Seagull loved to fly." -Richard Bach, Jonathan Livingston Seagull
It's a great feeling to understand yourself & love what you do.
ReplyDeleteHappy for you! =)
p/s: WOW! You've got your own domain!
hey jarod, thanks for the encouragement! :) yeah, one thing i've learned is that if you want to force yourself to take something seriously, pump money into it. once you've made an investment, you'll want to keep going at it. :)
ReplyDelete