When I first started working, I took one of those behavorial tests that tell you which of four temperaments you tend to lean more towards - the dominant, driven type, the caring, nurturing type, the sociable, extroverted type, or the analytical, logical type. I was an extreme analyser, leading towards the dominant side of the scale. Throughout my uni and college life, the words people tended to associate with me were "ambitious", "driven", and "independent". A few months back, though, I took the test again and to my surprise, I found myself in the quadrant of "nurturer".
In my previous relationships, people always saw me as the one who "wore the pants", the one who kept the relationship moving forwards. If there was an issue about needing space or not getting enough time or attention, it was always me who was needing space and the other person complaining that I was too busy. These days, I find myself worrying that the tables have turned, that I am the needy one constantly needing to be reassured instead.
A year ago, if you asked many of my friends what drives me, they would doubtless say my work. Work consumed so much of my life that to many of my friends, "Crystal" and "FrogAsia" (the company I work for) became synonyms. There was seldom a time you would see me without my laptop, in case something urgent needed to be done. These days, people have started asking me on weekends, "Wow, no need to do work ah?" And it's not so much that I'm doing less work, more of I'm learning to manage it better, and it's just not the biggest priority in my life.
Recently, someone asked me if I liked babies. I hesitated, because I really didn't know how to answer. "Well... Now I do I guess but that's only a recent thing - I never really liked babies until recent months." She looked at me and grinned. "The maternal instinct is kicking in, huh???"
The past few months have been surprising months. Okay, to be completely honest, they were also frustrating, fearful, and scary months as well. I feel like I've been having identity crisis after identity crisis. "But I'm supposed to be this constantly on-the-go, efficient, Queen of Productivity - why do I just feel like staying at home these days??!?" "But I'm supposed to be this practical, logical person - why is something as small as this eating me up so much???"
And then there's getting used to being in a relationship again. When you date a prolific runner, you tend to get plenty of comments along the lines of, "Oh, so you must run too!" or "Oh, so are you forced to run too???" Yeah I run, but I was running before I met him! For awhile, those comments really bugged me, because I wanted to be known as my own person, not the girlfriend of a hardcore runner who also runs... I mean, I have my own identity, whether it's to do with running or not!
But amid all the mini crises and meltdowns and the "OMG who is Crystal Cha?" and "I don't know who I am anymore!", it's also been a precious, precious time of just having all the masks and walls I hid behind taken apart, and in that falling apart, discovering who I really am, and discovering what it means to have my identity rooted in Christ alone.
Finding my identity all over again
I'm learning that just because I was once seen as this independent, strong girl, doesn't mean I always have to be. In fact, whatever people see me as will always change. So what if I work for a certain company now or I'm dating a certain person now? In ten years time, I could be working somewhere else, and instead of being someone's girlfriend, I could be someone's mother. My roles are always going to change, and if I let my identity be rooted in them, then my identity will always be a shaky, uncertain one.
I'm learning that the only real identity I can always be secure in is in knowing whose I am. In knowing that I am loved and cherished and chosen by God. In knowing that no matter what I've done, He sees me as precious and priceless. In knowing that He has called me to be exactly who I am, where I am, no more, no less.
And being who He's called me to be means being the best whatever I am at this season. I don't always know how to be a consistent worker. I don't always know how to be a servant leader. I don't always know how to be a committed daughter, a loyal friend, or a supportive girlfriend. But He knows, and He's teaching me.
All the "10 tips to motivate your team" and "5 steps to making your man happy" I can read are not going to teach me what only He can. All these tips might help me do and say the right things, but they're never going to teach me to have the right heart and the right attitude. They're never going to teach me how to love more selflessly, how to be more patient, how to be more understanding.
All the books and conferences in the world aren't going to teach me what I really want to know - how to be a woman that's tender and vulnerable, while still being strong and capable, how to submit my dreams and desires to another person's leading while keeping my own identity intact, how to rest and wait on Him without getting complacent, how to step out to the next level without getting ahead of myself prematurely. Only He can teach me those things, and I know He's doing it - in the uncertainty, in the confusion, in the doubt. He's taking apart who I thought I was so He can show me who I really am.
In my previous relationships, people always saw me as the one who "wore the pants", the one who kept the relationship moving forwards. If there was an issue about needing space or not getting enough time or attention, it was always me who was needing space and the other person complaining that I was too busy. These days, I find myself worrying that the tables have turned, that I am the needy one constantly needing to be reassured instead.
A year ago, if you asked many of my friends what drives me, they would doubtless say my work. Work consumed so much of my life that to many of my friends, "Crystal" and "FrogAsia" (the company I work for) became synonyms. There was seldom a time you would see me without my laptop, in case something urgent needed to be done. These days, people have started asking me on weekends, "Wow, no need to do work ah?" And it's not so much that I'm doing less work, more of I'm learning to manage it better, and it's just not the biggest priority in my life.
Recently, someone asked me if I liked babies. I hesitated, because I really didn't know how to answer. "Well... Now I do I guess but that's only a recent thing - I never really liked babies until recent months." She looked at me and grinned. "The maternal instinct is kicking in, huh???"
The past few months have been surprising months. Okay, to be completely honest, they were also frustrating, fearful, and scary months as well. I feel like I've been having identity crisis after identity crisis. "But I'm supposed to be this constantly on-the-go, efficient, Queen of Productivity - why do I just feel like staying at home these days??!?" "But I'm supposed to be this practical, logical person - why is something as small as this eating me up so much???"
And then there's getting used to being in a relationship again. When you date a prolific runner, you tend to get plenty of comments along the lines of, "Oh, so you must run too!" or "Oh, so are you forced to run too???" Yeah I run, but I was running before I met him! For awhile, those comments really bugged me, because I wanted to be known as my own person, not the girlfriend of a hardcore runner who also runs... I mean, I have my own identity, whether it's to do with running or not!
But amid all the mini crises and meltdowns and the "OMG who is Crystal Cha?" and "I don't know who I am anymore!", it's also been a precious, precious time of just having all the masks and walls I hid behind taken apart, and in that falling apart, discovering who I really am, and discovering what it means to have my identity rooted in Christ alone.
Finding my identity all over again
I'm learning that just because I was once seen as this independent, strong girl, doesn't mean I always have to be. In fact, whatever people see me as will always change. So what if I work for a certain company now or I'm dating a certain person now? In ten years time, I could be working somewhere else, and instead of being someone's girlfriend, I could be someone's mother. My roles are always going to change, and if I let my identity be rooted in them, then my identity will always be a shaky, uncertain one.
I'm learning that the only real identity I can always be secure in is in knowing whose I am. In knowing that I am loved and cherished and chosen by God. In knowing that no matter what I've done, He sees me as precious and priceless. In knowing that He has called me to be exactly who I am, where I am, no more, no less.
And being who He's called me to be means being the best whatever I am at this season. I don't always know how to be a consistent worker. I don't always know how to be a servant leader. I don't always know how to be a committed daughter, a loyal friend, or a supportive girlfriend. But He knows, and He's teaching me.
All the "10 tips to motivate your team" and "5 steps to making your man happy" I can read are not going to teach me what only He can. All these tips might help me do and say the right things, but they're never going to teach me to have the right heart and the right attitude. They're never going to teach me how to love more selflessly, how to be more patient, how to be more understanding.
All the books and conferences in the world aren't going to teach me what I really want to know - how to be a woman that's tender and vulnerable, while still being strong and capable, how to submit my dreams and desires to another person's leading while keeping my own identity intact, how to rest and wait on Him without getting complacent, how to step out to the next level without getting ahead of myself prematurely. Only He can teach me those things, and I know He's doing it - in the uncertainty, in the confusion, in the doubt. He's taking apart who I thought I was so He can show me who I really am.
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