The past week was one of those weeks I found myself questioning why I do what I do - why do I strive to give it my best at work? Why do I wake up early to run? Why do I continue to serve in church when my schedule is already so packed? I realised that I do these things because I see a bigger picture and I am driven by something bigger than just me. I don't trust myself to always know what I want and I don't trust my emotions to lead me down the right path - but I trust that even in the exhausting days and pent-up frustrations and the not knowing where I'm heading, He is in control and He's penning through my life a story of His grace and goodness and faithfulness.
The past week, I also turned 23 and was showered with much love from precious friends. Yet in the midst of it all, I was struggling to find meaning in various things I was doing. There were many other ways I'd have liked to spend my birthday instead of being absolutely drained - but I'm glad for this week, because it reminded me, as I enter a new year of my life, that this is when the rubber hits the road - when the dream job or the awesome hobby is suddenly not so 'fun' anymore... when the limitless energy to serve, the boundless ideas to kickstart a new project at work just suddenly seems to have run dry... when you just don't feel like doing all the things you used to want to do anymore... yet you know you wouldn't be anywhere else doing anything else. This is when the commitment kicks in and you go by faith, not by feeling.
At the beginning of this year, I wrote two words in my journal that I wanted to work on becoming in 2013:committed and faithful. As I turned 23, I was so reminded that it isn't easy to become a person who is committed and faithful. It is so counter-cultural to the way the world works. We abandon things that don't seem to be working out, we bury dreams that seem to have died, we jump ship the moment something better comes along, we get distracted by bigger, better, fancier things that catch our eye. And sometimes, we seem to be committed on the outside. We stick to things. But our hearts have checked out a long time ago, and it becomes just a routine. I so don't want a life like that! I don't want to be a quitter, I don't want to operate at 5% of my potential because I'm so busy spending the other 95% of my energy on frivolous things, and I sure don't want to go through the motions.
But man, this commitment thing is such. hard. work! Some days I feel like I'm just wrestling with God - wrestling with the situations He's placed me in and the things He's asking me to do, and sometimes it just feels like my angry prayers are bouncing off the ceiling. But when I'm all ranted out and cried out, I ask myself, where else would I go? Where else would I find life, and hope, and peace, and joy? There are times I think to myself, you know, it would be so easy. So easy to just put on a catchy pop song and tune out. So easy to watch a movie and forget about my troubles for awhile. So easy to turn on the computer and look at images that just numb my emotions for a little while. So easy to lash out my frustration on others. So easy to do things the world's way and get a little bit of respite from the exhaustion of day to day living.
I know I could do that, and it would make me feel good. For awhile. But it never lasts. There is only One person I can cast, and keep casting, all my cares on, who never gets tired of hearing me rant and never gets overwhelmed by the amount of tears I cry, who never holds my anger with Him against me the moment I come crawling back like a child with nowhere else to go. Yes, He asks hard things of me sometimes. But in every challenging circumstance, every painful situation, I know He is doing a deeper work in my life. Sometimes it feels like open-heart surgery, yes, but that's because there is so much in my life He wants to prune away, to remove, to reshape, to remould, because He wants to make me the best I can be, and He can't if I keep holding on to those things.
What helps me on days I feel like I'm falling apart is knowing I'm not alone in feeling this way. It helps to know that believers everywhere have wrestled and struggled with these same questions, fears, challenges. And even on days when it feels like no one at all understands, He is there. Helping me to find the courage to leap before I've seen, to trust that He will be there to catch me. Helping me to sow where it looks, on the surface, barren and dry.
The past week, the one song that's kept me going is We're Not Alone by Elevation Worship. I love the lyrics of this song, and I pray that if you're going through an especially tough season, you'll be reminded that the tough times won't last, but His love endures forever.
Though our hands are tired
Our eyes, they look for you
Even in the dark
We will follow after you
Our hearts are hopeful
Our faith believing
We're not alone, you are here
Your promise tells us
You're always with us
We're not alone, you are here
When the ground is dry
Our hope remains in you
Even in our pain
We believe that you will move
Popout
The past week, I also turned 23 and was showered with much love from precious friends. Yet in the midst of it all, I was struggling to find meaning in various things I was doing. There were many other ways I'd have liked to spend my birthday instead of being absolutely drained - but I'm glad for this week, because it reminded me, as I enter a new year of my life, that this is when the rubber hits the road - when the dream job or the awesome hobby is suddenly not so 'fun' anymore... when the limitless energy to serve, the boundless ideas to kickstart a new project at work just suddenly seems to have run dry... when you just don't feel like doing all the things you used to want to do anymore... yet you know you wouldn't be anywhere else doing anything else. This is when the commitment kicks in and you go by faith, not by feeling.
At the beginning of this year, I wrote two words in my journal that I wanted to work on becoming in 2013:committed and faithful. As I turned 23, I was so reminded that it isn't easy to become a person who is committed and faithful. It is so counter-cultural to the way the world works. We abandon things that don't seem to be working out, we bury dreams that seem to have died, we jump ship the moment something better comes along, we get distracted by bigger, better, fancier things that catch our eye. And sometimes, we seem to be committed on the outside. We stick to things. But our hearts have checked out a long time ago, and it becomes just a routine. I so don't want a life like that! I don't want to be a quitter, I don't want to operate at 5% of my potential because I'm so busy spending the other 95% of my energy on frivolous things, and I sure don't want to go through the motions.
But man, this commitment thing is such. hard. work! Some days I feel like I'm just wrestling with God - wrestling with the situations He's placed me in and the things He's asking me to do, and sometimes it just feels like my angry prayers are bouncing off the ceiling. But when I'm all ranted out and cried out, I ask myself, where else would I go? Where else would I find life, and hope, and peace, and joy? There are times I think to myself, you know, it would be so easy. So easy to just put on a catchy pop song and tune out. So easy to watch a movie and forget about my troubles for awhile. So easy to turn on the computer and look at images that just numb my emotions for a little while. So easy to lash out my frustration on others. So easy to do things the world's way and get a little bit of respite from the exhaustion of day to day living.
I know I could do that, and it would make me feel good. For awhile. But it never lasts. There is only One person I can cast, and keep casting, all my cares on, who never gets tired of hearing me rant and never gets overwhelmed by the amount of tears I cry, who never holds my anger with Him against me the moment I come crawling back like a child with nowhere else to go. Yes, He asks hard things of me sometimes. But in every challenging circumstance, every painful situation, I know He is doing a deeper work in my life. Sometimes it feels like open-heart surgery, yes, but that's because there is so much in my life He wants to prune away, to remove, to reshape, to remould, because He wants to make me the best I can be, and He can't if I keep holding on to those things.
What helps me on days I feel like I'm falling apart is knowing I'm not alone in feeling this way. It helps to know that believers everywhere have wrestled and struggled with these same questions, fears, challenges. And even on days when it feels like no one at all understands, He is there. Helping me to find the courage to leap before I've seen, to trust that He will be there to catch me. Helping me to sow where it looks, on the surface, barren and dry.
The past week, the one song that's kept me going is We're Not Alone by Elevation Worship. I love the lyrics of this song, and I pray that if you're going through an especially tough season, you'll be reminded that the tough times won't last, but His love endures forever.
Though our hands are tired
Our eyes, they look for you
Even in the dark
We will follow after you
Our hearts are hopeful
Our faith believing
We're not alone, you are here
Your promise tells us
You're always with us
We're not alone, you are here
When the ground is dry
Our hope remains in you
Even in our pain
We believe that you will move
Popout
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