you keep dancing

"...though we can't undo what has been done, we can choose to begin again. to stand in the sun and let the shadows fall behind us. to throw off our shame, fear and anger. to see our beauty and our brokenness." // Freeway

"When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It's to enjoy each step along the way." // Wayne Dyer

"What is the point of doing XtraMile and everyone out there thinking you're suchhh a hero when you couldn't even care about this relationship?!?" I screamed. And even as those hurtful, sarcasm-drenched words came out of my mouth, I felt a pang in my chest because those words sounded exactly like words that my parents have said to me before. Words that I swore never to repeat to anyone else.

"You are involved in so many activities, you serve in church, you're a leader and everyone thinks you are soooo angelic, and you can't even clean up your room or listen to your parents?!?" Ouch.

I remember that feeling well - the pain of disappointing the people closest to you, of giving your best but somehow, your best intentions get lost in translation and is completely lost on those nearest and dearest to you. No amount of encouragement and compliments from the rest of the world makes a difference when you feel like those closest to you don't even believe in you. And here I was, making someone else feel that exact same way.

If you're like me, you're a people-pleaser. You genuinely live to put a smile on someone else's face. And you want to be a world-changer. You will pour your heart and soul into a cause if you believe it will change things. But sometimes, in the midst of all the people-pleasing and world-changing, we end up hurting the ones we love the most. Somehow, when life accelerates to top speed, we tend to neglect the simple things. Like saying "Good morning". Like hugs and kisses. Like dinner together.

So often, we assume that those dear to us should just "know" the amount of things of our plate and understand that our priorities need to be "slightly" readjusted "temporarily". But perspective is always subjective, and it's easier to see things from just one point of view. We assume because they know us so well, they will be more understanding and forgiving. But often, when conflict erupts, we find out along the way that even those closest to us don't understand or know how much we are struggling to cope.

It takes one sarcastic remark that spilled over from a stressful day at work to trigger a full-blown three hour argument. But equally, it takes one small "I'm really tired - I need your help with this" to help the other person understand what you're going through. It's those small remarks that make all the difference between a relationship growing stronger or falling apart when life hurls incredible pressure your way.

Yet knowing those things doesn't make it any easier to take the high ground. Knowing that an honest answer is better than a sarcastic one doesn't stifle that human impulse to just want to vent my frustration somewhere, anywhere, and most often it ends up directed towards those closest person around.

Life happens. Arguments happen. So how do we deal with it? One of my colleagues shared this perspective, after going through a tough season with her daughter: "I tell myself that people act their worst, with those they feel the safest with. That's because they know that no matter how bad things get, you won't walk away from them."

And it's true. So often, we react to conflict defensively, because we feel like we're being targeted. But very often, the conflict arises when one side is desperately trying to reach out for help, but is being misread. Conflict happens because two parties care. Otherwise, it would be easier to walk away.

There have been many times I've felt like running away from relationships. Like giving up on trying to build bridges and communicating because sometimes it feels like the other party is not putting in as much effort as I am. But I'm learning that relationships - whether at work, with family, or with my partner - cannot be about counting and comparing. Nobody wins that way. Rather, a relationship is a balancing act, a dance. Both parties take turns supporting each other, accommodating each other, forgiving each other. One of the pastors in the church I go to said, "When you work with people, toes are bound to get stepped on. But when that happens, you can complain, or you can dance with it."

And I'm learning that sometimes, you choose not to walk away, not because you don't ever get hurt. You stay because somehow, in the midst of all the hurt, you've found a safe place. You've found someone who may not always agree with you, but who cares deeply. You've found someone who may not always meet your expectations, but whom you can trust.

So what do I do after a three-hour long argument that stretches into the wee hours of the morning, right after the adrenaline and exhaustion of a hectic XtraMile weekend, knowing that a few hours later, I have to be back in the office, planning for two more upcoming huge events that are just a couple days away? I shed a few frustrated tears, let out a sigh, take a deep breath, say sorry, wash my face, go to bed... and just start all over again. For as long as you can keep finding that safe place, somehow, you can can keep trying again. With the relationships that really matter, you always find a way to start again, and you keep dancing. 

winds of change

"walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet

towards home, a land that i've never seen

i am changing; less and less asleep

made of different stuff than when i began"

// brooke fraser, shadowfeet

"one does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore." // christopher columbus

“for what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. there’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. you can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. we can make the best or the worst of it. i hope you make the best of it. and i hope you see things that startle you. i hope you feel things you never felt before. i hope you meet people with a different point of view. i hope you live a life you’re proud of. if you find that you’re not, i hope you have the courage to start all over again.” 

// the curious case of benjamin button 

"when we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. the challenge will not wait. life does not look back." // paulo coelho

"i have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer i who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which i now live in the flesh i live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." // galatians 2:20

these days, i often find myself wishing i could block out a whole day to just sit down, reflect, ponder, and journal about the experiences i've been going through and the lessons i've been learning. but at the same time, i catch myself and realise that this season of intense activity, steep learning curves, and a flurry of new experiences is one that will run its course. and a season for slowing down and reflecting will come, in time.

these days, i'm challenging myself to stop saying that i'm busy all the time - but instead challenging myself to say that i'm going through a steep learning curve (emphasis on the learning bit, not the steep bit!). because i know busyness is not about the amount of things i have on my plate but about my attitude and perspective to it.

honestly, sometimes when i step back and look at all that i'm juggling on a daily basis, from work to serving to building community and friendships - and wanting to pursue excellence in all that i do - it's a little daunting. i sometimes wonder if i am biting off more than i can chew when people tell me i'm doing too much, that i need to be careful not to burn out or wear myself out. i question if i've gotten my priorities right when i work late nights, when i don't see my family for days on end even though we live in the same house, when i'm attempting to run my first 30km race and move house in the same week.

but in the rare moments of quiet, in being stuck in morning traffic or creeping into a dark house late at night - i know in my heart of hearts that where i am in this season is exactly where i'm meant to be. in spite of everything, i wake up every morning looking forward to the day ahead and every time my head touches the pillow, i am thankful for the day that has gone past. i used to struggle with not being able to fall asleep for years, but these days, wherever i am, the moment i close my eyes i drift into a restful sleep.

i know that i did not get to this place easily. i gave up a lot to get here. certain interests, friends, relationships, ways of spending my time, dreams, goals, plans had to go - not because they suddenly stopped being important to me - but because other things became more important. i know that i got here with a lot of wrestling, a lot of questioning, a lot of soul-searching.

in all of this, i thank God for the routine bits of life, like repetitive tasks and daily commutes to and fro work - we often see them as draining and soul-sucking, but i have come to see them as an opportunity for lots of self-reflection. and i thank God for the challenging bits of life, like massive projects running concurrently at work, and having to juggle many different hats, and having to go from reporting to someone to learning how to lead a team, and pulling late-nighter after late-nighter - not to look like the employee of the year or in efforts to climb the ladder - but because you're in this with your team, and because you believe in the vision you are all working towards. because i've come to see these challenges as opportunities to learn discipline, patience, and endurance.

i know that this is where i'm meant to be because i look at the person i was one year ago and i know that i'm not the same person, because of everything i've gone through. so much has changed. and for the better. i know without a doubt that while i'm still far from perfect, i love better, i am more patient, more accepting, more at peace with myself and with the circumstances around me, less fearful, less resentful, less selfish.

above all, i am more thankful. thankful for seasons in life and how they teach me to accept and surrender to the ebb and flow of life. i'm thankful for this season, because it has taught me like never before that i have a God that is good - and even though sometimes it seems like the struggles we go through are enormous, He never gives us more than we can take. if He throws us huge challenges, it's only because He sees us through His eyes - as all that we can be, not just who we are right now.