Songs for the year-end

In the past 22 years of my life, I've approached different year-ends with different feelings each time round. The end of the year is always seen as a turning point, but depending on what season you are in, that turning point can be sometimes bittersweet, sometimes celebratory, sometimes sad, sometimes regretful.

Nevertheless, a turning point is usually always hopeful. It marks the start of better days ahead. It signals unknown possibility. It's a chance to leave the past behind - to move on from mistakes, guilt, or loss... or from resting too comfortably on laurels we've won - but to say, this is not the end, and to keep pressing on.

Along the way, in different seasons, I've been encouraged in different ways. One of the biggest things that moves my heart is music. Somehow the way lyrics are combined with melodies speaks so much more powerfully sometimes than the words alone.

So as the year draws to a close, I just thought I'd share a few songs that I've held incredibly close to my heart that have carried me, in different seasons, from one year into another. These songs have helped me reflect and realign as I've walked forward into a new season, and I hope they will do the same for you.

For a painful, question-filled year-end

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Feels like I've been here forever
Why can't you just intervene
Do you see the tears keep falling?
And I'm falling apart at the seams

But you never said the road would be easy
But you said that you would never leave
And you never promised that this life wasn't hard
But you promised you'd take care of me

So I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust you God with where I am
And believe you will have your way

Remind me you take broken things
And turn them into beautiful

// Britt Nicole

For a challenging, stormy year-end

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So get out and let your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste, don't wait
Don't you turn around and miss out
Everything you were made for

So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you
You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes
And you can walk on the water too

// Britt Nicole

For a grateful year-end

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My Lord
What shall I sing Him for now
A song full of praise
From a mouth full of doubt
I lift up my face and I sing out loud
With all my mistakes I still make Him proud

He paid it all for me
Carried that cross for you
On that rugged walk
He knew What He had to do
Opened His arms up wide
Invited the world inside
One final breath
He conquered death
For me and for you

// Brandon Heath

For an anticipation-filled year-end

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It's time to dream big dreams
To see Your vision become reality
Cause it's for You, by You
Those who love You want to do something so big
It's destined to fail without You, Lord
It's gonna fail without You, Lord
Something so great
It takes a miracle to do
We, Your children
Want to do something big for You

// John Waller

For a conflict-filled year-end

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Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell

// Switchfoot

For a soul-searching year-end

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You know whenever I try I want to get it right
But I distract my focus and blur my own sight
'Cause I've convinced myself that my best can only come in the moonlight
And I keep sleeping in
And missing something

There are things about me I just can't ignore
I know I want to change and I see that door
On the other side daylight decides there will be war with sleeping in
And I've been saying "no" for far too long
Even though something brand new is coming out of me

I always knew that I was missing something
I know this time that I will leave nothing up to chance
And in the wake of this brand new day I see the light
and I feel the sun and I'll do it all again tomorrow

// Mae

For every year-end

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All of my life
In every season
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

When you know you're loved

It's wedding season! I think I've lost count of how many weddings I've been for in the last two months, and I still have a couple more coming up in the month ahead!

I was at a wedding today at which my former youth church pastor was speaking. She said to the women in the crowd: "Wives, it is easy to submit in everything to your husbands when you know you are his everything."

When she said those words, it hit me how a wedding is such a beautiful picture of God's relationship with His church.

It's taken me long, winding journeys running away from church and religion and all the issues I had with it, to finally coming full circle. To a place where God, and church, is the highlight of my week, and the source of my strength and joy.

I realised that those words could be applied to our relationship with God. It's easy to submit to the circumstances He has placed you in when your perspective is that wherever He has you, He has you there for a reason, and it's a pretty darn good one. It's easy to trust that the job He's placed you in, the family He's placed you in, the season He's allowed you to be in, is meant for your good. When you know, not just in your head, but in your heart, that you are cherished, and loved... man. Nothing anyone says about you can take that away from you. Even the worst day can't get you down.

Sure, life is not problem-free or stress-free. Sometimes there are more questions than answers. Sometimes the circumstances you are in can feel totally complicated. But even in the beautiful mess of life, submitting, trusting, believing... can be easy, when you know you are loved. 

I don't know about you, but when people tell me that I seem to be enjoying life or my job a lot, I know that's not because I have the greatest life or job on earth (although in my mind, I do!), but because I know I'm loved, and that changes my reactions, my attitude, and my feelings towards everything that comes my way.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." // Jeremiah 29:11

Cold Tangerines: "This is the big moment."

"The Big Moment, unfortunately, is an urban myth. Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearls. And strung together, built upon one another, lined up through the days and the years, they make a life, a person.

This is it. That thing I'm waiting for, that adventure, that movie-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets.

I don't want to wait anymore. I choose to believe that there may be a thousand big moments embedded in this day, waiting to be discovered like tiny shards of gold. The big moments are the daily, tiny moments of courage and forgiveness and hope that we grab on to and extend to one another. The big moments are in every conversation, every meal, every meeting.

The Heisman Trophy winner knows this. He knows that his big moment was not when they gave him the trophy. It was the thousand times he went to practice instead of going back to bed. It was the miles run on rainy days, the healthy meals when a burger sounded like heaven. That big moment represented and rested on a foundation of moments that had come before it."

// Cold Tangerines, Shauna Niequist

Cold Tangerines: "The world is alive..."

"To choose to celebrate in the world we live in right now might seem irresponsible. It might seem frivolous, like cotton candy and charm bracelets. But I believe it is a serious undertaking, and one that has the potential to return us to our best selves, to deliver us back to the men and women God created us to be, people who choose to see the best, believe the best, yearn for the best.

Through that longing, we are changed and inspired, able to see the handwriting of a holy God where another person just sees the same old tired streets and sidewalks.

The world is alive, blinking and clicking, winking at us slyly, inviting us to get up and dance to the music that's been playing since the beginning of time, if you bend all the way down and put your ear to the ground to listen for it."

// Cold Tangerines, Shauna Niequist

anticipation

it's that feeling that something big is just around the corner. you can't see it, you don't know what exactly is coming or what it will involve, but you feel it in the air and you feel it in your bones. something exciting is about to happen.

human beings live on anticipation. being able to look forward to better days ahead is what keeps us alive. we plow through the dreary days and hang in through the storms in hopes that the sun will shine again.

and it does. after cold, dark winter nights, the sun shines through again. new life springs forth again. what was dead and buried is birthed anew all over again. time and time again.

it's almost as if the waiting is there to enlarge our expectation. almost as if the dying is necessary to make room for something else to be birthed.

this is why today, all over the world, we celebrate the waiting. advent. we celebrate the coming of Jesus, hope of the world, who came to die that we may live.

that we may look forward, with anticipation, to a new year ahead. a fresh start. another chance to start over. to believe that better days are ahead. and to do our part in working to make that happen. to live better, and to love better.

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come." // Anne Lamott

An unexpected journey

 Some rights reserved by Aqua Eyes

I watched The Hobbit: An unexpected journey last night, and I couldn't have asked for a better movie to end the year 2012 with.

I think I can safely say that my entire year has been an unexpected journey - from the people I've come to call my friends and family, to the work that I've come to take much pride in, to the way my heart has been stretched and my fears challenged.

Yes, it's been a wonderful year, but not one that came without much pain, doubt, and second-guessing if I was where I was meant to be.

I can relate a lot to the story of Bilbo Baggins - a humble little hobbit who was quite happily living a comfortable little life, until Gandalf enters the scene and stirs everything up. I think a lot of us can relate. We all have our little "hobbit holes", our little bubbles of comfort, that is suddenly burst by an encounter with the real world. And we have a choice as to how we respond, just as Bilbo had when the wizard threw him a challenge:

"Home is now behind you. The world is ahead."

So many times throughout this year, I've felt like Bilbo - leaving the comfort of what I know and venturing out into the unknown. It's exciting, but it's also incredibly scary. And sometimes I do find myself longing for what I've left behind, until I realise, as Gandalf put it:

"If you return, you will never be the same again."

And when the rest of the rugged, weathered company of dwarves doubted the homely hobbit's ability, Gandalf retorts:

"He has more to give than any of you know! Even himself."

I remember so clearly the times I've sat in front of wise mentors, teary-eyed, and said, "I really don't know if I have what it takes to do this." There were so many times I felt like choosing the easy way out. I didn't know if I actually had it in me. But there were people who actually believed I did - and it was their steady encouragement that kept me going.

The wizard later confesses to Lady Galadriel why he singled out Bilbo for the task:

"Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay... small acts of kindness and love. Why Bilbo Baggins? That's because I am afraid, and he gives me courage."

When the going gets tough, and when I start feeling discouraged, what keeps me inspired are not extraordinary acts by extraordinary people, but small everyday acts of courage by the everyday people in my life. It's a simple cup of freshly made coffee brought to my table by our office cleaner, who goes the extra mile by making coffee for those who come in early to the office. It's an intern who writes an enthusiastic note of encouragement that puts a smile on my face first thing in the morning.

It's the little things done by people who don't necessary have extraordinary skills and talents, but a huge heart. These people give me courage, and I hope that in whatever small ways, I am able to do the same for others as well.

The climax of the movie comes after Bilbo heroically risks his life to save Thorin. When Thorin finally recovers, he hugs Bilbo and tells him, "I'm sorry I doubted you."

I teared up when Bilbo replied, "It's alright, I would have doubted me too." Because that's exactly how I feel about my past year looking back. Back in January, if you'd told me about all the things I would do or experience this year, I would have completely doubted if I had what it takes.

But that's what faith is all about - it's about starting with what you've got, and trusting that your capacity will be increased along the way. It's about not despising the little things, but believing they will add up to bigger things. It's taking that very first step into that unexpected journey, trusting what you cannot see, but believing wholeheartedly that there are far better things ahead than any you are leaving behind. 

What it means to be a leader

This year taught me what it means to be a leader. I’ve grown up leading in church and college, and it came relatively easily to me, to be able to rally people together to organize a camp or complete a group project. But up till this year, I’d always seen being a leader as being a role model, an example for people to follow. I thought leadership required a certain caliber, the know-how for the position, and the ability to know what to tell people to do. This is true to a certain extent, but I’ve come to see leadership as so much more than that.

I’ve come to realise that what distinguishes a good leader from a great leader is that great leaders don’t just rally everyone around their vision. Great leaders give their vision to others. Great leaders give people a feeling of ownership, of empowerment. Great leaders bring out the best in people in every area of their life, challenging them to be their best as individuals, not as subordinates fulfilling a certain role.

I’ve learned this through the people I am incredibly privileged to follow. Being around these people makes me a better person. Even ten minute conversations with these great mentors leave me challenged and inspired. Observing the way they run meetings, handle difficult situations, make time to be present with people, or even stay back late after everyone else has left, is a crash course in what makes leaders great.

I clearly remember an occasion at work when our Executive Director took the time to wash our designer’s cup in the sink. That designer told that story later, half incredulous, half in awe at that simple gesture. She never forgot that incident, and it is encounters like these, I believe, that make people work over weekends or pull all-nighters to get the job done for the leaders they look up to and respect.

It’s the simplest things that win people’s hearts.

I’ve also learned this through the people I am incredibly privileged to lead. The highlights of my week that just went by were:

1) An intern telling me about how going through certain challenges taught her to appreciate her parents more, and being open to my encouragement to her that, “You should tell your parents that.” She did.
2) Our designer, who has been working with us for half a year, asking me if I could give her a ride back, after turning down my offers to drop her home countless times in the past, not wanting to ‘trouble’ me.

This may sound simple to some, but it’s things like these that hold a special place in my heart because it is in that moment you know that you’ve somehow been able to cross that invisible line of being a leader by title – to a person that people feel comfortable enough with to express things they wouldn’t express to just anyone else. It’s in conversations after work hours that you realise… this work relationship has become a personal relationship. You’re more than colleagues, you’re friends, and you look out for each other.

Some days I beat myself up over the way I could have completed a certain task better, and then a colleague sends an e-mail telling me that something I did or said inspired them. And it hits me – being a leader is not about proving how good you are at the job and that’s why you should lead the troops. It’s really about being able to relate to people, to meet them where they are, and to inspire them to be the best they can be. In fact, I believe that great leaders raise up followers who are more skilled, more talented, and more capable than them.

So my two goals for the year ahead in the area of leadership are: to listen more, and to be more present with people.

What about you? What have you learned this year about what it means to lead?

this life

this life is so fragile. but so beautiful.

this life is tough. but it's overcoming the challenges that makes us strong.

this life is sometimes painful. but it's working our way through the pain and finding a deeper, unshakable joy that goes beyond superficial happiness that gives life its meaning. 

advent: a season of joyful anticipation and the in-betweens

the word 'advent', used to describe the period of time leading up to christmas that is celebrated by those who believe, comes from the latin word meaning 'coming'. it describes a season for slowing down, reflecting, and most of all, anticipating fresh hope and grace for the season that lies ahead.

advent is all about anticipation and longing. we know there is something missing, that our souls are incomplete - but rather than longing for it in despair, our longing is joyful, rooted firmly in the hope that the missing piece has come and is coming afresh in our hearts all over again as we move towards a new year.

just like a pregnant mother anticipating the birth of her child, advent is a season of longing for a birth of something new, and something fresh. advent is a time that celebrates the anticipation, the in-between moments - between the time a trapeze artist jumps and the time he catches the next handle, between the time a seed is planted and the time it sends shoots above the ground, between the time a child is formed in the womb and the time it is born - advent is all about the in-betweens. the in-between the 'has been's and the 'not yet's. those delicate, tender moments of holding your breath because you're not quite sure what will happen next, and because at this fragile stage, anything could happen. but you keep hoping for the best, sensing that something beautiful is going to unfold up ahead.

so it is in this season that we who believe take the time to deliberately pull back in the midst of our busyness and all the festivity, to slow down and take a moment to take stock of the 'has been's - the milestones that have marked our past year, and the milestones that have marked our lives so far. we acknowledge the victories, but also the defeats, knowing that it is the sum of all of them that has shaped us for what lies ahead.

and we look forward. oh, we look forward to better things ahead than any we are leaving behind! we can only look forward, fearlessly and hopefully, when we have looked back enough and fully confronted everything in our past. advent is a chance to come clean and face the past before being thrust into the unknown future - a future that is safe, that we can look forward to even if we don't know what it holds, because we know that the One who holds it. and we know that He is good, and faithful, and gracious, and merciful, and kind, and most of all, loving.

advent is a season where we remember an age-old story, of Love coming down to earth, to make Himself relatable so we could understand what love is really all about. so we could live in relationships that give instead of taking away, that heal instead of hurting. as mother theresa, who lived among the poorest of the poor, put it - the greatest poverty is not being hungry, naked, or homeless. the greatest poverty is the poverty of being unloved, unwanted, uncared for. this poverty is not limited to what race, religion, country, or economic group you are from - it's everywhere.

imagine how different this world would look if every single person in it genuinely believed they were loved, cherished, special! that's what christmas, to me, is all about. it's about the most powerful, incomprehensible Being in the universe making himself small and tiny to show us that even in our humble, fragile states, we are valued, treasured, loved. christmas is not about a day - it's about a lifestyle of living in remembrance of that Great Story. and advent is a chance to revisit that story, to give thanks for another year of living and loving, and to look forward... to a fresh chapter, and to learning to love a little bit better.

***

this season's advent reading: 'searching for God knows what' by donald miller; 'the shack' by w paul young. here are some of my favourite quotes:

searching for God knows what (donald miller):

“Imagine how a man’s life would be if he trusted that he was loved by God. How he could interact with the poor and not show partiality, he could love his wife easily and not expect her to redeem him, he would be slow to anger because redemption was no longer at stake, he could be wise and giving with his money because money no longer represented points, he could give up on formulaic religion, knowing that checking stuff off a spiritual to-do list was a worthless pursuit, he would have confidence and the ability to laugh at himself, and he could love people without expecting anything in return. It would be quite beautiful, really.”

"I wondered how beautiful it is that you and I were created to need each other. In this way, we are made in God’s image. Certainly God does not need people in the way you and I do, but He feels a joy at being loved, and He feels a joy at delivering love. The Bible, with all its understanding of the relational needs of humans, was becoming more meaningful to me as I turned the pages. God made me, He knows me, He understands me, and He wants community.”

“The truth is there are a million steps, and we don't even know what the steps are, and worse, at any given moment we may not be willing or even able to take them; and still worse, they are different for you and me and they are always changing. I have come to believe the sooner we find this truth beautiful the sooner we will fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him, teaching us to not rely on easy answers, bullet points, magic mantras, or genies in lamps, but rather in His guidance, His existence, His mercy, and His love.”

the shack (w paul young):

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat. Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then you will pray for his wholeness.”

“Don't ever discount the wonder of your tears. They can be healing waters and a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words the heart can speak.”

“Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved.”

“I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside.”

“...if anything matters then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes."

“If you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is an expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. The expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else.”

“Submission is not about authority and it is not obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.”

“All I want from you is to trust me with what little you can, and grow in loving people around you with the same love I share with you. It's not your job to change them, or to convince them. You are free to love without an agenda.”

"Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.”

"Does that mean," asked Mack, "that all roads will lead to you?" Not at all," smiled Jesus as he reached for the door handle to the shop. "Most roads don't lead anywhere. What it does mean is that I will travel any road to find you.”

***

“There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved: It is God's finger on man's shoulder.” // Charles Morgan

2012 thankfulness

this morning, i received the most ridiculously encouraging text message from a dear friend, Jon, telling me how appreciated i was, and reminding me that today is thanksgiving day!

it's incredible what a boost a little bit of appreciation can be. so in the spirit of gratitude, here's a (non-comprehensive) list of some of the things i am most thankful for this year.

1. inspiring friends & mentors // who challenge me to be better and live fuller and make the most of my potential. who don't necessarily tell me the things i want to hear, but that i need to hear. i wrote in my scholarship application essay, and my your big year essay, that who i am is a result of many different people's investments into me. one of my favourite quotes is that of john of salisbury: "if i have seen a little further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants." every time someone tells me that i'm an inspiration to them, i tell them that it is only because so many people have invested in me, believed in me, spoken into my life, and built me up. 
2. frogasia // a workplace where not only my skills and talents are nurtured, where i feel valued and like i have something to contribute, but that more importantly, is in sync with my values + crazy inspiring, fun, and encouraging colleagues. 
3. after-alpha // a group of incredibly talented, smart, and passionate young working adults who desire so much to know and experience God firsthand in the midst of the challenges of being a young adult in the 21st century. 
4. running // from discipline to learning to be bold about what i stand for, from learning to enjoy the mundane parts of the journey to finishing strong, running has taught me so much about endurance, patience, and finding joy in the journey. 
5. home // one of the things i struggled with last year was feeling rooted - to my family, my country, my communities. i found that when i chose to stop focusing on all the ways i didn't fit in, people didn't understand me, and i chose to actually be deliberate in investing into my relationships, in every sphere of my life, i started to find home everywhere. at work, at home, at play, at church. i found myself going from feeling like nobody understood me and like i had nothing to add to another person's life, to feeling completely interconnected to those around me. 
6. struggles // most of all, i'm so grateful for all the struggles, tears, and fears because they've taught me so much more than the good times what it means to live with a perspective that is eternal. what it means to be able to see the bigger picture, the bigger vision, that makes everything else pale in comparison and makes you able to put up with or go through anything, because you know you're on the right track to something greater. that's an absolutely priceless conviction that nothing else in this world can compare to. 

so blessed. 

so grateful. 

my cup runs over. 

wip

These past two months has been nothing short of amazing - but at the same time, so challenging as well. It’s seen me reaching for - and accomplishing - things I would have never seen myself doing and feeling like I’m growing so much in the process. It’s also seen me wrestling with a lot of self-doubt and fear. It’s seen me crumbling into tears more times than I’ve ever cried in the rest of the year so far - because I suddenly didn’t think I could handle the things that I was facing.

I’ve never depended so much on the support and encouragement of people around me, or on desperate prayers and long journal entries. It’s only because of those things that I can say that as challenging, tiring and draining as the past two months have been, they’ve also been so fulfilling, rewarding... and so good for me.

It’s made me confront a lot of things I’d been running from, like past mistakes and struggles, and fears and worries about the future. It’s reminded me to be present  - to live in the now and to cherish and live each moment to the fullest. As Josh Foong, an old friend I recently caught up with, put it, “We shouldn’t live with regrets... because the choices we made at any given point in time were likely the best ones we could have made, given what we knew, given our maturity, and given the situation.”

The past two months have taught me more about what it means to open up to people - to have people around you believe in you and cheer you on. I think hearing someone tell you they’re proud of you makes any challenge worth overcoming, just to hear those simple words. These two months have also reminded me so much about what it means to trust and depend on a higher source of strength when I’ve come to the end of my rope.

Reading through my old journals, it often feels like I’m learning and relearning the same lessons over and over again - but I know that each time I relearn an old lesson, I’m becoming that little bit better at dealing with it.

It’s such a welcome relief to know that in all my struggling and striving, I can rest and be at peace, and take things one step at a time, because He doesn’t expect me to have all the strength and maturity and patience and grace in the world to do everything perfectly. (I often, unrealistically, expect that of myself!) He sees me as a work in progress - as His work in progress, not mine - and He’s in no rush, as I am, to refine me, shape me, and perfect me.

On days when I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and feeling crazy overwhelmed by responsibility and expectation, He reminds me of this by sending amazing people my way, who gently remind me that, “You need to let go. You need to give yourself a break. You need to stop being so hard on yourself. You’re doing okay.”

“He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” // Phil 1:6

“It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure.” // Ps 18:32

I want to always be able to stand on this truth of what He says about me, on days when my emotions lie to me and tell me I’m not doing a good enough job, that I’m not capable, or that I’ll never measure up. I’m praying that you’ll be able to do the same too. 

2012 reflections: #1 - the more you give, the more you receive

I've decided to take some time at the start of every week for the rest of the year to reflect on some of the most important things I've learnt in the past year. I think it's so important to take the time to slow down and process the experiences we've been through, to learn from them, to ask ourselves how those lessons can help us move forward better, and just to celebrate them and share them with others who have gone through or are going through similar things. 

The more you give, the more you receive. Sharing of yourself - of your time, your energy, your idea, your resources - always leaves you with more than you started out with.

I used to see life as a competition - but I now realise that every time we help someone else get ahead, every time we help someone else move on, every time we help someone else succeed - their achievements and successes never undermine or subtract from our own - but in fact add to it and multiply it. I used to pride myself on being self-sufficient. “I’m the type that works better alone,” I always told myself. But the past year taught me how precious community and teamwork is.

I remember coming back from the UK last year, and feeling absolutely disconnected from everyone and everything. And I remember praying, quite half-heartedly, because I didn’t quite believe my prayers would be answered: “God, surround me with community that will inspire me and give me good mentors, especially female ones, who will help me to grow.”

I was just sharing how I’d prayed this with an old friend, Sarah, and she exclaimed, “But you have so many good mentors!” And the truth is, a year later, I realise how even in my doubt, God has been so good to bless me with mentors in every area of my life. Not many people have bosses who take the time to invest in them and help them to grow in their job skills, but who also actually care about what’s going on in their life. Not many people have bosses and colleagues you can not only share your work struggles with, but also your personal struggles with, that you can be totally honest with, pray with... and even shed tears in front of. In fact, not many people even have friends and family they can do that with.

A year ago, if you told me I’d be praying about things that matter - about careers, about relationships, about our walks with God - with close friends, in random cafes, if you told me I’d be running in different states in Malaysia and meeting new people from different churches and praying with them, if you told me I’d be sharing my most difficult struggles openly with my parents and having them be so understanding and supportive of me - I wouldn’t have believed it. Yet all of that is true today.

I’m so thankful, because God has been so faithful in slowly bringing, one by one, into my life, people who were kind and patient enough with me to help me slowly tear down the walls I’d built around myself. And I discovered that in letting people in, in being vulnerable, I actually found strength.

Suzen, a dear friend and CultureRun Co-Founder, whose journey this year has been such an inspiration to me, said in her TEDxYouth@KL talk: “I used to see needing other people as a weakness. As Asians, we are so obsessed with being in control. We place value on people who seem self-reliant.” She then talked about how at a difficult point in her life, when her house burned down, she realised that the idea of ‘being in control’ gives us a false sense of freedom.

She went on to say that the experience taught her how much she needed other people, and how important it was to be vulnerable and open with others. This eventually led her on a journey that would see her starting a business that would bring the community together to learn from each other and share their skills and knowledge.

As she put it: “Vulnerability is not about being weak. It’s not about giving a blow-by-blow account of your daily life on Facebook. Vulnerability... is having the courage to say ‘I’m sorry’ first. It’s about taking the risk to invest in someone else without a guarantee. It’s the ability to love without fear.”

“Community gives you strength to do what you can’t do alone.”

"Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back." // Luke 6:38

you are my hideaway

God knows exactly how much we can take, and exactly what we need, even better than we do ourselves.

the past month has been such a reminder of that truth. i've gone through challenges i never thought i'd be able to handle, i've felt totally exhausted and like i was running on empty... but He is faithful and His grace is sufficient. just when i think i'm about to burn out or crumble, little stolen pockets of time here, an encouraging word there - and i find enough to keep pressing on.

yesterday, i wasn't sure if i'd have to work through the public holiday. i'd been wanting to check out an amazing new little coffeehouse in ipoh, but i didn't want to get my hopes up. but thursday dawned bright... and it was off to ipoh! the entire day, from clear blue skies to clear stretches of highway, to a getaway from the city in a getaway car, from a quaint cafe named burps and giggles (and maybe a few actual burps and giggles), to books and journals, from great conversation over cups of coffee, to comfort food while watching a thunderstorm, from a quiet, sleepy 'lazy lane', to awe-inspiring thunder and lightning displays... everything in the day felt specially, uniquely, made for me. crafted with my name on it.

i asked for a break... but wow... little did i expect it to be such a 'me' kind of break! i was reminded again that not only does God give enough grace, strength, and love for each day... but there are times He also gives exceedingly, abundantly, more than enough.

yesterday was such a reminder of what it means to be His child. as a loving parent, He will never spoil us, and is always trying to teach us something new and help us grow out of our comfort zones. there are times we feel stretched, and tested and it seems almost beyond what we think we can bear.

yet at the same time, He is the same God who also wants to shower us so lavishly with good gifts. yet He won't do it before bringing me through a journey first... so that when He actually gives me those gifts, i know how to appreciate them. what a waste it would be to have all the finest things in the world... and be so oblivious to the source of all of them.

"You are my hiding place." -Psalm 32:7

there are a million steps

Modified from original image by Jo@net

"...life is complex, and the idea that you can break it down or fix it in a few steps is rather silly.

The truth is there are a million steps, and we don’t even know what the steps are, and worse, at any given moment we may not be willing or even able to take them; and still worse, they are different for you and me and they are always changing. 

I have come to believe the sooner we find this truth beautiful, the sooner we will fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him, teaching us to not rely on easy answers, bullet points, magic mantras, or genies in lamps, but rather rely on His guidance, His existence, His mercy, and His love."

-Donald Miller, Searching for God Knows What

as the ruin falls

Modified from original image by Alun Salt

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love—a scholar’s parrot may talk Greek—
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.
-C.S.Lewis, Poems, “As the Ruin Falls” (1st pub. 1964), pp. 109-110.

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.

-C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

the law of the harvest

mine is a generation, by and large, that has not been taught the law of the harvest.

we have been taught to get by with quick fixes, shortcuts, and instant solutions. we want to reap where we have not sown and gain success without paying the price. and for awhile, that might work. for awhile, we can appear to be successful. spend a few months in the gym, get the body we've always wanted, flirt and charm our way, get the attention we've always craved, manipulate and fight our way to the top, get the promotion and validation we seek.

but the true test of success is if what you've achieved will stand the test of time. you haven't really succeeded if a few months down the road, your exercise schedule crumbles. your relationship crumbles. your body, mind, soul burns out.

our 'success' crumbles because we have not spent the time and energy building a foundation that will ensure that all we have achieved stands strong. a foundation built from discipline, consistency, and a deep respect for one's identity, for one's role in a bigger picture.

truly successful people understand the law of the harvest. they understand that anything worth doing and anything great worth building takes time. it takes time to till the soil, to sow, nurture, and cultivate before the rewards can be reaped. it takes time to build foundations that are deeply rooted and strong enough to withstand whatever life throws their way. it takes time to develop the character and the maturity to accept full responsibility for their own lives. they have a deep sense of stewardship - they see their lives as having a greater purpose, their work as having a greater meaning - and it is their duty to cultivate and grow their potential, for the benefit of those around them. they seek to make the world a better place. 

i want to be that kind of person, to have that kind of success. i want so much to live a story worth telling. i'm not asking for a life that's easy, because that would make me like everyone else. i'm asking for a life filled with meaning and passion and purpose. i want to always keep alive the fire that keeps me pushing myself out of my comfort zone every single day. i want to own myself - not be owned by my history, my emotions, my fears, other people's opinions about me, my titles, or my situation. i want to be so certain of who i am and who He has called me to be that i can go through anything and not be shaken. 

may i never ever settle for short-sightedness, shallow living, navel-gazing, cheap thrills, or temporary satisfaction, but run relentlessly towards a truth and a freedom that lasts forever.

who owns my mornings?

"Who owns our mornings? 

When we wake up.. how much time do we allow ourselves before letting our minds wander like stray ponies? 

Do we rush off into our day..? or do we linger a moment in place that belongs entirely to our soul - an embrace with our breath, with our being here, with our own skin, our own eyes, our own hands and voice. 

Often times, I am too distracted to give myself this gift.. to spend a few moments remembering my condition; my impermanence, my dying, my undeserved still here." // andrew tipton, for the love of motion

i once read a quote somewhere: "runners wake up before the sun rises."

part of the beauty of running, for me, is the waking up before the sun rises. is seeing the world from a different perspective, watching sunlight creep through treetops and in between buildings and illuminate the road you're on. is rounding a bend and coming across a sunrise in full blaze framed by the twin towers, or watching an eagle spread its magnificent wings above you. is passing joggers on their morning routes and that moment of recognising - ah, here's another fellow traveler - when your eyes meet, and you smile or nod - or maybe if you're the type, run over to give a high five. ;) the beauty of waking up early is hearing the things you never would hear, stuck in a car in a traffic jam - birds chirping, leaves rustling... even hearing yourself breathe brings you back to how frail we all are and to the startling impermanence of life. you don't need to travel to discover the sudden moments that take your breath away... they come, often, when you're not looking for them. i've encountered moments of astounding clarity, double rainbows, and powerful life lessons quite unexpectedly, on the road.

it is so easy to get caught up in the rush and bustle of the daily 9 - 6 grind that we forget there is stillness and quiet and little miracles waiting to unfold in every single day. it is so easy to get so caught up in productivity and achievement that we forget how fragile we are, how fleeting this life is. to me, owning my mornings - whether it's waking up before the sun rises to run, or waking up before the morning traffic builds up to spend some quiet time alone in the office - is the lifeblood of living intentionally. owning my mornings and determining the pace at which i will begin - and continue - my day is a rebellion against the noise and distraction that tells me i should do more, push harder, or slow down, take it easy... anything that would threaten to pull me away from the pace i know is right for me.

i picked up a book recently that talked about the importance of flow. too few challenges and we end up bored, apathetic, and unstimulated. too many challenges, and we drive ourselves towards burnout and running on empty. flow is the delicate balance between both extremes. finding that balance involves both discipline and acceptance. discipline to push through challenges - when you know you can. acceptance of your limits - when you know you've reached them. it's trusting the stiller, quieter, deeper, inner voice instead of what's going on all around you. flow is when you wake up in the morning - ready for the day ahead; and when you close your eyes at night - having made peace with everything that has taken place in that day, and in anticipation for the next day.

***

this morning's listening:



“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” -Matthew 11:28-30

accidentally in love

the other day, someone referred to me as "crystal the runner". when i heard that, i wanted to burst into laughter, because one year ago, the thought would have seemed so ridiculous, so improbable.

one year ago, i hated running and could barely run for more than ten minutes without stopping. since then, i've grown from running only to exercise and keep fit - to absolutely enjoying it, and wanting to continually increase my distance and speed.

one year ago, i only joined standard chartered's 10k race only because a friend had to pull out and was looking to sell her bib, so i thought i'd give it a shot (fully expecting to have to walk half the way!). but not only did i run the 10k all the way to the end, surprising myself - i have not stopped running since, surprising myself even more! i've done a couple 10ks and three 21ks - but more recently, in the past month, i've discovered run for the nation and have done a series of 5k prayer runs with them.

the story of how i 'accidentally' fell in love with running is a very close one to my heart - because it is intertwined with the story of how i fell in love with two things all over again in the past year - my country, and my God.

one year ago, i felt completely adrift. i had just returned from the uk and coming back to malaysia meant coming back to a whole new life, a whole new set of friends - and a job that i didn't choose for myself, but one that i was bonded to because of my scholarship. i felt like a random piece of driftwood bobbing about on waves in the middle of nowhere, with nothing to anchor me down. at the time, practically my whole circle of close friends were overseas while i was settling back here. i felt like malaysia was not the place i was meant to be, that something was wrong, because i felt so out of place.

one year ago, i stopped going to church for a few months because i felt like such a hypocrite. me, the christian church girl, who had grown up serving in church, for whom church had always been a second home, found myself questioning everything i believed and wanting to run away from it all when i couldn't find the answers i was looking for.

and one year (and a bit) later, everything has changed. i mean, everything. has. changed.

someone said to me the other day (after cracking joke after joke about frogs), "i can't help it! when i look at you, i see... frog!" (i work in an amazing company called FrogAsia, for the record.) i was like... "gee, thanks." but inwardly, i knew that flippant statement was already a testimony of how i'd gone from resenting my job to being absolutely passionate about what i do. i've been catching up with a number of random people who ask me what i've been up to lately because "it seems you're really enjoying your life / your job!". an old college mate that i haven't talked to for years said to me the other day, "you seem to be really close to God".

hearing these things blew me away. my first reaction is always a slightly amused, incredulous one. "do you have any idea where i was at last year?!?!"

and as i've been sharing with these people how i've changed, and grown, in the past year, i realise it's a story i'm so, so grateful for. i'd gone from feeling lost... to being found. from being unsure of who i was... to finding my identity. from feeling like i was in the wrong place... to feeling like this is exactly where i'm meant to be.

something changed along the way, between july 2011 and today. and you know what - it wasn't some dramatic change. i look back, and all i see is night after lonely night of questioning... talking at the ceiling. lunch break after lunch break sitting alone in my cubicle, reading blogs and stories of people who seemed to have discovered what it meant to live a good life, and wondering if some day i could discover the same. moment after moment of feeling like running away but willing myself to stay. sarcastic comment after sarcastic comment that i chose not to say. complaint after complaint that i chose not to focus on. step after step that i kept taking even though i was bored out of my mind.

it wasn't in the extraordinary - but somewhere in the routine, mundane, ordinary grind of life that i discovered what it meant to really live. it's not about finding that one thing or that one job or that one person or that one place to give you passion and meaning. life doesn't work that way! it's not about external circumstances at all.

i'd read so many quotes about how "life is what you make of it" and self-help books about accepting personal responsibility and all that jazz - but i think it's one thing to know these things, and quite another thing to live these things. i think in the past year, i really lived a lot of the things i knew. i went from knowing them up there in my head, to understanding them in my heart.

as i let go of my selfish plans, dreams, ambitions, goal, wants - as i kept trying to stop pursuing temporary distractions and instant gratification in light of a longer-term vision - something happened. my cluttered, chaotic life full of questions and worries and fears and doubts slowly turned into a spacious one as i let go of unhealthy habits, attitudes, and perspectives. and that made room for God to put new ones in.

jonathan fields, one of my favorite bloggers / authors, who pioneered the good life project, has a great way of explaining the journey i've gone through:

when you're mission-centric (focused on the why) and medium-agnostic (indifferent about the how, and the what) - things start happening. 'coincidences' occur. sparks ignite. the right people cross your paths. the right doors open.

and as you're reading this, you're doing one of two things: either going "i know exactly what you mean!" or "what the heck is she talking about - what nonsense!". if you're the second, can i just say - just try it. stop saying you can't do this or that. just try not putting limitations on yourself for once. try doing that thing you swore you'd 'never' do. try it and see what happens.

because i promise you, i never got to this place wanting to be in the field of education. i never wanted to work a corporate 9-6 job. i never planned to run 21k and keep planning to run further distances. i never planned to be this person who can't help but talk about God all the time (sometimes i feel like omg i've become one of those super churchy, holy people - what is wrong with me?!?).

and i'll tell you what changed. letting go of my ideas, my plans, my dreams, my goals, my desires (the how and the what) - and asking God, "God why did you place me here? i don't care what you want me to do anymore - but just show me why i'm here"... made room for Him to place His ideas, His plans, His dreams, His goals, and His desires into my heart. and they have been exceedingly, abundantly, above all that i could have wanted or dreamed up on my own.

today, i work with great people, i lead a great media & communications team (that continues to grow as we hire new people), i am actually excited about reading my Bible every day and going to church every week (although i still find it incredibly weird saying that out loud or in writing), and i am aiming to run 30km this weekend (the furthest i will have run yet). and i have having an incredibly fun time. it's really not about the how - it's about the why.

why? to be surrounded by new friends who challenge me and speak the tough truth, in love, into my life. why? to come a place where i can share my story to mentor and inspire others. why? to learn discipline and patience and endurance, which i am terrible at. why? to learn to stop limiting myself, because God doesn't limit me. why? to see that things are changing in our country, and i get to be a part of that change. why? because every single person matters. why? because the journey is as important as the destination. why? why? why?

i pray you'll find the courage and strength to ask yourself the tough questions too. and the answers won't come immediately. sometimes it'll take months. sometimes years. we all have our own journeys to make, and they're never easy ones. but from my experience, for what it's worth, the journey is always, always worth it. :)

winds of change

"walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet

towards home, a land that i've never seen

i am changing; less and less asleep

made of different stuff than when i began"

// brooke fraser, shadowfeet

"one does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore." // christopher columbus

“for what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. there’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. you can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. we can make the best or the worst of it. i hope you make the best of it. and i hope you see things that startle you. i hope you feel things you never felt before. i hope you meet people with a different point of view. i hope you live a life you’re proud of. if you find that you’re not, i hope you have the courage to start all over again.” 

// the curious case of benjamin button 

"when we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. the challenge will not wait. life does not look back." // paulo coelho

"i have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer i who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which i now live in the flesh i live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." // galatians 2:20

these days, i often find myself wishing i could block out a whole day to just sit down, reflect, ponder, and journal about the experiences i've been going through and the lessons i've been learning. but at the same time, i catch myself and realise that this season of intense activity, steep learning curves, and a flurry of new experiences is one that will run its course. and a season for slowing down and reflecting will come, in time.

these days, i'm challenging myself to stop saying that i'm busy all the time - but instead challenging myself to say that i'm going through a steep learning curve (emphasis on the learning bit, not the steep bit!). because i know busyness is not about the amount of things i have on my plate but about my attitude and perspective to it.

honestly, sometimes when i step back and look at all that i'm juggling on a daily basis, from work to serving to building community and friendships - and wanting to pursue excellence in all that i do - it's a little daunting. i sometimes wonder if i am biting off more than i can chew when people tell me i'm doing too much, that i need to be careful not to burn out or wear myself out. i question if i've gotten my priorities right when i work late nights, when i don't see my family for days on end even though we live in the same house, when i'm attempting to run my first 30km race and move house in the same week.

but in the rare moments of quiet, in being stuck in morning traffic or creeping into a dark house late at night - i know in my heart of hearts that where i am in this season is exactly where i'm meant to be. in spite of everything, i wake up every morning looking forward to the day ahead and every time my head touches the pillow, i am thankful for the day that has gone past. i used to struggle with not being able to fall asleep for years, but these days, wherever i am, the moment i close my eyes i drift into a restful sleep.

i know that i did not get to this place easily. i gave up a lot to get here. certain interests, friends, relationships, ways of spending my time, dreams, goals, plans had to go - not because they suddenly stopped being important to me - but because other things became more important. i know that i got here with a lot of wrestling, a lot of questioning, a lot of soul-searching.

in all of this, i thank God for the routine bits of life, like repetitive tasks and daily commutes to and fro work - we often see them as draining and soul-sucking, but i have come to see them as an opportunity for lots of self-reflection. and i thank God for the challenging bits of life, like massive projects running concurrently at work, and having to juggle many different hats, and having to go from reporting to someone to learning how to lead a team, and pulling late-nighter after late-nighter - not to look like the employee of the year or in efforts to climb the ladder - but because you're in this with your team, and because you believe in the vision you are all working towards. because i've come to see these challenges as opportunities to learn discipline, patience, and endurance.

i know that this is where i'm meant to be because i look at the person i was one year ago and i know that i'm not the same person, because of everything i've gone through. so much has changed. and for the better. i know without a doubt that while i'm still far from perfect, i love better, i am more patient, more accepting, more at peace with myself and with the circumstances around me, less fearful, less resentful, less selfish.

above all, i am more thankful. thankful for seasons in life and how they teach me to accept and surrender to the ebb and flow of life. i'm thankful for this season, because it has taught me like never before that i have a God that is good - and even though sometimes it seems like the struggles we go through are enormous, He never gives us more than we can take. if He throws us huge challenges, it's only because He sees us through His eyes - as all that we can be, not just who we are right now.

monday inspiration: live generously and praise loudly

was doing some spring cleaning early this morning and i came across this gem of a letter i wrote to myself about 3 - 4 years back (i think?), during a church service where everyone was given pieces of paper to write letters to their future selves. really wished i'd written down the date! so i'd be able to see how much i've grown since then. 

i don't remember the speaker at all - can't even remember what he looked like - but what he did was he got everyone's addresses, and then a couple months later, posted our letters back to all of us with a little note of encouragement at the bottom. 

since then, i've never re-read that letter, but i'm so glad i discovered it again in this season because it's such a timely reminder to me of what i've always valued and held dear. and even though i may have detoured and been distracted along the way - the things i'm trying to pursue now are the things i have always been pursuing, and i shouldn't ever stop pursuing them. 

of pacing, and encouragement

what an amazing week has flown by! it's been an intense, crazy week that's involved surviving every night on less than 4 hours of sleep (not that i'm advocating it!), running 24km in one day, a lot of soul-searching, a lot of praying, a lot of worship practice / jamming sessions, a lot of speaking into people's lives and challenging them to grow, and a lot of allowing people to speak into my life and challenge me to grow.

just thought i'd share two key takeaways (have developed this very good habit of jotting down key takeaways, which has been inculcated in us by my ever-amazing boss, lou) that i've learnt from this crazy, hectic, amazing week, for anyone who's going through similar learning curves:

1. pace
there is a time for everything. there is a time to work hard, and a time to rest. a time for going all out, and a time for holding back. a time for speaking up, and a time to stay silent. i've been learning more and more to let go and accept it when things don't go as planned or when things don't work out the way i want them to. i'm learning that sometimes good things fall apart - so that better things can fall together.

i'm learning the importance of recognising seasons - of being centered and rooted enough to know what season i am in, and ignore the voices that tell me - i should slow down, or i should do more. i've run 3 runs in the past week (the pj half marathon - 21km, run for the nation - 15km, and nike training run - 9km), and had an amazing time running all of them, compared to all the other runs i've ever done before. i told myself that this time, i wouldn't run to overtake others - that i'd run at my own pace - at a pace i know i can run consistently. and i told myself i wanted to run not to merely cross the finish line, but i wanted to run so that i'd have enough energy to sprint past it. i wanted my finish to be stronger than my start - even if it meant letting others overtake me at first.

and i'm seeing how important that attitude is towards life as well - we need to know exactly where we are, and focus on getting our pace right - regardless of how everyone else around us is doing. we're meant to run our own race, to fight our own battles. the more we understand and accept the season that we are in, the more we are able to sense intuitively when we need to slow down to breathe, or speed up to push ourselves - the more we're able to just enjoy the journey and make it strong to the end.

2. encouragement
this week i've had multiple people tell me that i inspire them. i've run and prayed with people who said - thank you for the motivation - we couldn't have done it without you. that blew me away, because i didn't do anything this week besides try to run my own race and stick to my own path. yeah, i offered small words of encouragement - 'you can do it!', 'good job!', and 'keep going!' - but anyone else could have said those things as well.

and i'm learning that sometimes the most encouraging thing you can do for someone else is just showing up. is just living your own life to the fullest and hoping that somewhere along the way, someone will catch it too. sometimes you don't need to be the most eloquent or the most accomplished. sometimes all it takes is a simple smile. sometimes all it takes is being present with someone else, in whatever they're going through, to give them that tiny boost - which makes all the difference. and i'm learning that it's a continuous cycle - when it hits me that i've made someone smile, or encouraged someone, it makes me smile, and it encourages me as much, if not more.

***

this entire week has felt like being away at camp, or traveling - just a non-stop flurry of activity, excitement, and being reinvigorated and re-inspired all over again by seeing things with new eyes. and it hit me that wow, i don't have to go away to experience this! i can be refreshed and re-energised just in doing the things i do day in and day out.  and while i know that i need to slow down a little to just absorb and reflect on all of this - i'm ever so thankful for a great week that's gone by.

i was chatting last night with my former youth pastor and an amazing friend, rose, and she was sharing a heart-breaking experience she had last year which completely changed her life this year and led to her leaving the youth ministry to serve the underprivileged refugee kids in sentul with the harvest center / dignity for children foundation. she said, ever since then, i've told God - i don't want to ever recover from this feeling.

and that's exactly how i feel after this week - i don't ever want to recover from whatever it is i've caught that's made me realise that i want to live for so much more than myself. that i am where i am, surrounded by the people i am, with the gifts and passions i have - is not for myself, or my glory, or my satisfaction - but for a bigger reason. to make a difference in the lives of others.

i used to think i needed to work in an NGO or do missions in a third-world country to make a difference but this week has taught me that making a difference can happen absolutely anywhere. it starts with accepting and understanding the season you are in - and realising that you are where you are for a reason. and it starts with showing up.

***

You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. -Matthew 5:14-16

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. -Romans 8:28

image:  Some rights reserved by George Larcher