Lessons from Anna Karenina: "Privileges and duties."

I recently watched the film Anna Karenina, a dark and intense study on the human emotions of love, lust, jealousy, betrayal, forgiveness, and selfishness. Based on the novel by Russian writer Leo Tolstoy, the plot revolves around married aristocrat Anna Karenina, who gets involved in an affair with the affluent and charming Count Vronsky.

When her husband eventually found out about the affair, he confronts her in the most gracious and gentle way, and tells her, "I want you not to meet that man here, and to conduct yourself so that neither the world nor the servants can reproach you... not to see him. That's not much, I think. And in return you will enjoy all the privileges of a faithful wife without fulfilling her duties."

Two words from that line especially struck me. Privileges and duties. 

Just like the famous quote from Spiderman, "With great power comes great responsibility," with every privilege comes a duty. With every blessing, a commitment is required. And when we try to shed ourselves of the 'burden' of duty, of commitment, of faithfulness, we end up in a dark spiral downwards, as Anna found herself in.

It got me thinking that the human soul was never made to handle limitless success, power, and privilege. Our mortal souls and volatile emotions cannot handle abundance without boundaries. Laws and guidelines, rather than restricting our privileges, help us fully enjoy them in a manner that we are actually capable of. And the more committed, the more duty-bound, and the more faithful we are, we find that the greater our capacity becomes to enjoy the blessings we have.

Some of the "freest" people, who seemingly have all the liberty and privilege to do what they please, when they please, as they please - are also the most deeply unsatisfied because no matter how they chase after their desires and passions, it is never enough, just like the attention Anna received from Count Vronsky was never enough. She constantly battled the inner demons that reminded her of how deeply unsatisfied she felt, eventually taking her own life in despair.

On the contrary, the happiest, most contented people I know are people who are faithful, consistent, trustworthy, dependent, stable. Their lives are uncomplicated, their motives are undivided, their hearts are devoted. That's the kind of person I want to be. I have not always been a faithful person in the past, and I used to find myself saying a lot, "I'm good at starting things but not so great at finishing them."

This year, I've let go of many things that are just not so much a priority, so I can invest myself fully - my time, my energy, my emotions - on the things that are priorities. Because I don't just want to start those things well, or even finish well, but to do the in-between well too.

Growing up as a pastor's kid and a homeschooler, freedom and independence was something I used to fight and claw my way for as a teen. I used to think, I can't wait to start working, so I'll have an income to spend as I like, freedom from parents, and I can finally travel the world, make my own decisions and do things the way I want to do them.

Now, as a young working adult, a little bit older and wiser, I've come to learn the hard way that freedom without limits just isn't worth it. That there is more joy and peace found in doing things the right way. That you cannot put a pricetag on integrity and being able to go to bed at night with your soul at rest because you know in your heart that you are right with God. That is to me, more precious and priceless than all other privileges I could ever have.

Thoughts on submitting and being led

"How do I submit to another person's leading... without losing my identity?" I asked Jade, one of my church leaders. "It's something I struggle with... I know as women, we're supposed to submit, but when you're already so independent and happy on your own, how do you submit without changing who you are? And how do you trust that person enough to know he will lead you the right way?"

She replied, "Yes, it's true that as women we're called to submit to our husbands... but even before that, there is a higher calling for the men - to love their wives... as Christ loved the church. That is such a huge, almost impossible task, you know. And if a man can live up to that, I don't think it will be such a struggle to submit."

She went on to add, "Sometimes I struggle as well... why should I listen to him, how do I know he loves me... but then I realise that he has this bigger responsibility of caring for me, and so everything he does is done with me in mind. He would not make any decision without believing that it is the best decision for the both of us, because it's his job to be responsible for both of us. And knowing that helps me to submit."

Her words reminded me of something a former youth pastor of mine said recently at a friend's wedding: "Wives, it is easy to submit to your husbands in everything... when you know you are his everything."

I couldn't help thinking how true this is when recently, I went on a road trip with my significant other, and after a pit stop, he passed me his iPad to enter some figures so he could track his mileage and fuel efficiency. As I typed in what he asked me to type, I couldn't help glancing at all the other notes he had saved on his iPad and the various categories he budgeted and tracked his expenditure for. What caught my eye was a category titled "Crys and I", and I heard Jade's words echo in my ears in that moment: "He has this bigger responsibility... and so everything he does is done with me in mind."

I've done relationships before but I don't think I've ever fully appreciated what it meant to trust and submit to another person because you know that person has the best in mind for you. I think I've taken it for granted the many questions and responsibilities that run through a guy's mind when he decides to pursue a girl. I've often complained, for sure, about how being a girl sucks because all we do is wait for guys to pluck up their courage... but I think catching a glimpse of black and white numbers, and solid, heavy-duty responsibilities made me realise the gravity of being the initiating party.

I know we live in the 21st century and there are many women in relationships completely capable of bringing in an equal share of the bacon, if not a bigger one - but I still believe that as women, it is so important we're pursued and led. Sure, we are perfectly capable of holding our own and taking the lead if need be, and some feminists might argue that the world would be a better place if we indeed did take the lead. I don't want to speak for other women, but for me, there is nothing quite as empowering as knowing that the man I chose is smart, strong, confident, brave, and capable enough to lead me, to pursue me, to make me feel secure, cherished, protected, appreciated, delighted in, and loved.

It hit me that in all my stressing out about "How do I submit? Why should I even submit?" I'd forgotten how much more terrifying it must feel on the other side. Submitting is easy when you know you're loved, after all. But making someone know they're loved, especially when you don't speak the same language of love, being responsible for that person's heart, being responsible for the pace of the relationship and ultimately its success or failure, being able to provide not just for another person's physical but also emotional needs - that is no small or easy calling.

That night as he sent me home after our road trip, we were talking about our budgets and spending, and he turned to me and said, "I hope you realise I'm not saying this to be calculative, but because I'm thinking about a future we need to save for... our future."

And I understood. That in every decision, even though I might not realise it at the time, I was being considered. That leading a relationship is not about wearing the pants or getting to be "the boss", but it's in words left unsaid or boundaries drawn because it's not the right time... yet. That taking the lead is tough, requires sacrifice, and a great deal of patience, especially in the times the party you are trying to lead and look out for doesn't realise what you're doing at the moment (I admit, I am sometimes the guilty party in this).  But I am so thankful that even though it's tough, there still are brave men around willing and ready to take on that challenge. Who love not just in flowery words or grand gestures but in action, in living it out sacrificially, consistently, and faithfully, day in and day out. 

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

have you ever found yourself in one of those places where you look around you and wonder how you got here? have you ever been a place way beyond anything you could have expected, where you feel incredibly blessed, but at the same time, undeserving of so much goodness?

this is a great job... but what if i'm not good enough for it? this relationship is helping me grow in so many ways... but what if i'm not good enough to handle it? what if i let people down? what if i mess up? what if i ruin a beautiful thing? what if? what if?

i've been in one of those seasons for some months now. there are days i just look around me and my breath catches in my throat because i am so acutely aware of who i used be be and where i used to be and how far a cry that is from who i am today and where i am today. 

the person i used to be was selfish, reclusive, fearful, ashamed, insecure, proud, sarcastic, detached, aloof. there used to be times in my life when i would honestly wonder if there were better days ahead. i grew up on hand-me downs and borrowed library books and recycled toys and counting every cent. i grew up learning to be practical, tough, stoic... and incredibly ambitious and goal-driven. i used to have a scarcity mentality and grew up believing i had to work incredibly hard and grab any opportunity that came my way to succeed, and to succeed at all costs. i was driven, tough, demanding, and incredibly ungracious, and unmerciful... both to others and myself. 

and today, where i am today... everything looks so different. i've found myself in a place where old habits and ways of succeeding just didn't seem to work anymore, and i knew i needed something more than the ambition and tough, lone ranger, i-can-do-it-all attitude that i had gotten by with thus far. 

that something more has been, and is, grace. 

grace has taught me that strength is not a tough, emotionless front, or being able to put on a cheerful mask when everything inside is in turmoil, but strength is in vulnerability, in learning to need others, in learning who you can trust. grace has taught me the importance of good relationships and of being selective of the voices that you listen to, because they are what will either help you get to where you need to be, or lead you astray. grace has taught me the principle of investing, of sowing and reaping, that there is a time and a season for everything, and to learn to trust the process even before i can see the returns. grace has given me eyes to see the abundance where i could only see lack, to see in all the challenges countless opportunities for growth, and grace has taught me to be kind, to myself and to others. 

i look back on my life and all i see is instance after instance of grace, and at times like this it's almost too much and i well up, thinking, 'how on earth do i live up to all of this? do i have what it takes?'

i've been on this journey for some time now of learning what it means to hold a leadership position in the company i work for, and what it means to prepare myself to be a life partner to someone in the relationship i'm in, and on both counts, i'm in unfamiliar territory. i've held leadership positions before and i've done relationships before... but this time round, it's different. 

maybe it's part of growing up and accepting more responsibility, but i do feel that these journeys carry a lot more gravity and weight than any i've experienced before. maybe it's part of being so much more aware of the responsibility for the lives of others, whether it's for someone else's career progression... or someone's else's heart. 

i find myself asking, "am i secure enough in myself to lead others?" in the same breath as i ask, "am i secure enough in myself to submit and follow another person's leading?" i wonder, "am i a good enough steward to hold so much influence?" in the same way i wonder, "am i a faithful enough person to hold someone's heart?" and every day, my prayer is the same: "i don't know how to do this, God, but please teach me, because there isn't a manual for this!" 

these days it's become quite a familiar feeling to wake up in the morning feeling so unprepared, so incapable, so ill-equipped to face what's ahead of me... but the beauty of grace is that it always shines through best in the murky waters of uncertainty and doubt. 

i'm learning that grace rarely makes sense. grace is that thing that happens when it's not supposed to happen, that breakthrough that came that was not supposed to come, that second wind you discover just when you think you've hit the wall, that open door that was supposed to be impossible to pass through. 

my pastor recently said in response to someone who asked him how he did it all, "i find the grace... and i work in it." i think more often than not, for most of us, it's grace that finds us, rather than the other way around. and i'm learning not to question it so much these days, to stop asking why, and how, but to accept it for what it is, and to just keep going as long as that grace rises up to meet me. 

amazing grace, how sweet the sound

that saved a wretch like me

i once was lost but now am found 

was blind but now i see

Today, I run because I love

Today, I run because I love running. Not always in a 'running makes me feel amazing!' kind of way, but in an 'I know this is good for me, and so even though sometimes it hurts, I trust that it will make me better' kind of way.

I don't think I was looking to fall in love with running. I don't think anyone who falls in love with anything (or anyone for that matter) goes out looking to see if this is something they could fall in love with. Just like how love often happens, just like it finds you more than you really find it, running found me.

And I didn't just fall in love with running - it has also taught me how to love better.

A year and a half ago, I couldn't run 5km to save my life. Today, I set a new record for the furthest distance I ran on my own. A year ago, if you told me I'd have the discipline to wake up before the sun rises, drive out to the highway, and run 14km straight, I would have doubted myself. In fact, I wondered if I actually had the mental energy to keep running through those kilometers.

To me, love is a lot like that. Sometimes I wonder how I will find the strength and courage to love fearlessly and selflessly, but when I take that first step I find that I'm capable of more than I thought.

Today as I ran, I tried my best to keep a steady pace, but just as there were ups and downs in the route, there were dips and peaks in my pacing. But I know I'm a better runner today than I was when I started, and that's what keeps me going, be it in running, or in learning to love people. There will be highs and lows, there will be days you wake up and just don't feel up to it, but you keep doing it, because you know that the satisfaction at the end of the journey will be so worth it. 

Laying down my arms

...fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs improvement; he is a rebel who must lay down his arms. Laying down your arms, surrendering, saying you are sorry, realising that you have been on the wrong track and getting ready to start life over again from the ground floor - that is the only way out of our 'hole'. This process of surrender - this movement full speed astern - is what Christians call repentance. Now repentance is no fun at all. It is something much harder than merely eating humble pie. It means unlearning all the self-conceit and self-will that we have been training ourselves into for thousands of years. // C. S. Lewis

Repentance is deciding that you have been wrong in supposing that you could manage your own life and be your own god; it is deciding that you were wrong in thinking that you had, or could get, the strength, education and training to make it on your own; it is deciding that you have been told a pack of lies about yourself and your neighbours and your world. And it is deciding that God, in Jesus Christ, is telling you the truth. Repentance is a realisation that what God wants from you and what you want from God are not going to be achieved by doing the same old things, thinking the same old thoughts. Repentance is a decision to follow Jesus Christ and become his pilgrim in the path of peace. // Eugene Peterson

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I’m so close to being so far away from You
I was wrong, but it takes so much to say it to You
Like a broken husband and wife
Who never talk but share their nights

For my feet were close to slipping
You spoke to my heart in time
You have promised, and I do believe
You won’t forget this wandering child

I’m so foolish to believe that I can escape Your love

// bethany dillon, so close

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My pockets are empty
Fear's such a thief
You know how that goes
I used to think
You couldn't love a mess like me
Then You came in so close

As my heart settles
You do the impossible

You change me, You change me
Thank You, Jesus
I can see You change me

Like a bullet in a wound
It needs to be removed
But only by You, only by You
And though I feel so stuck
The hope in Your eyes is enough

// bethany dillon, change