Rhythm

"Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” -Matthew 11:30 (MSG)

One of my goals for 2012 is to "create rhythm, and live in the rhythm".

If you're anything like me, then you're always reminiscing about the past or impatiently waiting for the next big thing to come along. Sameness and routine scares me. But too often I slip into the predictability of "the daily grind" because I am not deliberate enough in separating my moments, one from another.

What creating rhythm means for me is separating the ordinary, everyday moments into distinct notes that combined together, form a beautiful melody, instead of an indistinguishable blur of monotonous background noise. That is what I hope to do for the year ahead.

During the last week of 2011, I took some time to jot down a few words in my journal related to the kind of rhythm I want to create in my daily, weekly, and monthly routines. I'm sharing them here in case you might be inspired to do something similar.

Daily rhythm:
mornings - peaceful, anticipating, refreshed, calm, stretch, read the Bible, shower, eat breakfast at home
afternoons - don't eat at desk, low-carb, focus, energized, walk
evenings - relax, reflect, recharge, rest, family, friends, no email

Weekly rhythm:
workdays - less Facebook, sleep earlier
weekends - family, creativity, physical activity, outdoors, cook, bake, play

Monthly rhythm:
celebrate one thing (be thankful)
cultivate / get rid of one habit (practice discipline)
tell one person's story (write)
ask for one thing (pray)

Physical rhythm:
Divide a wall in my room into sections and paste up...
'Celebrate' - what I'm thankful for
'Ask' - what I'm praying for
'Others' - how people have inspired me or made me think

"We need rhythm in our time—it’s what makes one moment different from another. It gives shape and color and form to all of life.

The first Christians understood this—that time, like sound, is best when broken up, divided and arranged into patterns and rhythms. And so they created the church calendar. A way to organize the year, a way to bring variance to our days, a way to find a song in the passing of time.

What the church calendar does is create space for Jesus to meet us in the full range of human experience, for God to speak to us across the spectrum, in the good and the bad, in the joy and in the tears." -Rob Bell, Why Advent

Image: Some rights reserved by Brandon Giesbrecht

In every season

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven." -Ecclesiastes 3:1

Blessed 2012, and see you next year!

Hello friends, I'll be away from this blog for some time to do some real world catching up with friends, feasting, celebrating, and basically just living.

So I'll see you in the year ahead. :) Hope you're spending some good time with your loved ones as the year draws to a close too, and making the last few days of 2011 count.

Relish11.9 - Words

What quote, or line from a poem or a song, most captures what this year was for you?

It's hard for me to pick one. So I've narrowed it down to one of each: a quote, a poem, and a line from a song. :)

This year, in a nutshell, has been an incredible journey. There was a lot of travelling done - literally, as well as within my soul. So many new and unfamiliar experiences have been squeezed into the past 11 months, but  in the middle of all the wandering and exploring, there is the one thing that anchors me, that always brings me back to where I began, and to who I am.

Quote.
"Not all who wander are lost." -J. R. R. Tolkien

Poem.
"We shall not cease from exploration.
And the end of all our exploring.
Will be to arrive where we started.
And know the place for the first time."
-T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

Song.
"Wherever I wander, the one thing I've learned;
It's to here, I will always return." -This is Where I Belong, Bryan Adams

Relish11.8 - Beans

What flavor did you most relish this year? Perhaps it was a whole meal, but what can you say about the flavors of the last eleven months, what do you want to remember?

Beans

Image from TasteFood

I spent a lot of time eating alone in the UK. And so if there's one taste I'd want to keep in my memory, it'd be the better taste of food when it's shared with good company.

Other than that, new flavours I've discovered this year would be pulses and beans - which should be a staple of every cheapo student's diet. Healthy, fiber-filled, and powdery, beans are a way better alternative to potatoes. From hummus to bean stews, soups and casseroles to dhal curries, beans are an amazingly tasty, healthy, and cheap way to fill up.

Relish11.7 - Surprise

We like to think no one knows who we are better than we do. I mean, we’ve lived with ourselves our whole lives, right? (Sometimes we might even like a break, but can’t seem to get one:)) But every once in a while we do something, or say something, or think something that catches us off guard, and we realize we just surprised ourselves. When did you surprise yourself this year? What happened?

Surprise

I surprised myself many times this year, when...

• I went for, and stayed for The Alpha Course at a time when I was seriously considering dropping out of church altogether. And a couple weeks later, I started co-leading a post-Alpha program. 
• I approached two sisters - now dear friends - whom I barely knew and asked them if they wanted to co-organise a very ambitious event in collaboration with Global Entrepreneurship Week and we planned CultureRun's Big Idea, roped in sponsors, speakers, and participants in under three weeks. 
• I joined - and stayed in - the currently ongoing Your Big Year global competition. I've had to commit way more than I expected to when I first joined, but it's been such a learning process and I've had the opportunity to do things I never thought I'd do. 
• I decided impulsively to climb Mount Kinabalu three weeks before, with no proper training (unless you count climbing 51 flights of stairs - once). I bought my plane tickets the day I decided, and there was no turning back, even when I only slept an hour at the midway point, and was feeling nauseous and dizzy as I completed the last leg of the climb. Made it all the way to the very highest peak!
• I survived half a year in the corporate world, and looking back, it didn't really feel that long! 

And looking back, I realise those are achievements to be proud of. Especially when I know how far I've come from being a shy, nerdy, self-loathing tomboy who'd rather do anything than God forbid, talk to people. Who would've known I would actually find my niche in communications and writing?

Relish11.6 - Silence

What is one thing you have come to truly relish in 2011? How do you express your gratitude for it?

Silence

For the first whole month I was in the UK, I had trouble sleeping at night. The problem was the silence was so loud, it was deafening. It took me some time, but I got used to it. I also realised how much noise - not just auditory noise but mental and visual noise I'd been surrounded by in the city.

These days, I express my gratitude for silence by no longer making a habit of always having the radio on when I drive or having music playing in the background as I work. These days, I cherish the silence. These days, I feel incomplete and deprived if I don't have my moment of silence in a day, because the silence helps me clear my mind, throw out clutter and negativity swirling around in my head, and helps me to come to a place of peace within myself.

See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls. -Mother Teresa

Relish11.5 - Sunburn

Even in this innovative age we live in where we all seem to have our camera phones with us at all times, there are going to be moments that simply don’t get caught on film or pixel. What was one such moment, that you know lasts in your memory right now, but that will fade as time goes on? Describe it here, as if you have the photo right in front of you.

Sunburn

Bobbing along on undulating turquoise waves, propped up lazily on our orange life jackets, sun kissing our backs. You telling me your stories, and I telling you mine. Drifting further and further out until everyone on the beach looks like tiny ants. Getting stung by invisible bitey sea monsters. Trying to push each other off our lifejackets. Thinking I could do this for a million years.

Relish11.4 - Fear

No one likes to re-live moments of fear. We are often shown as children how to “master” our fear, or “wrestle” with it. Today let’s consider fear in a new light. Let’s let fear have a say, and for once really listen to what is tells us. Fear can be a most powerful teacher. When were you fearful in this past year? Follow that fear now, and see if there was a lesson for you. Did you take anything positive away from that experience? If you follow it, instead of fight it, what does your fear have to offer you?

This year, I faced two huge fears: 1) the fear of being alone, and 2) the fear of not doing work that matters.

Far away from my support network and family, I spent a lot of time alone in the UK. While much of this time alone was therapeutic and gave me plenty of space to think and reflect, much of it was also spent worrying about losing people, about people coming and going, about whether I'd ever find someone to get used to. I've said more 'hellos' and 'goodbyes' this year than I cared to, but in the midst of all of that I've seen amazing new friendships come into my life when I most needed it. I've learned that sometimes we need to let go of some people, but it's always, always, so the ones we need can come into our lives.

Having just entered the corporate world, I also struggled with connecting meaning to my job. And through people and my reading and songs, I've been reminded again and again that peace, purpose, and satisfaction is a state of being, not doing. It's hard, coming from an Asian mentality, to believe that what I do does not equal who I am, but I am learning a little bit more everyday that it doesn't. I'm learning to 'bloom where I'm planted', and that it's more a matter of my attitude and perspective towards things that make a difference, and less about what I am actually doing. 

Relish11.3 - Transit

Nowadays online marketers and those in the know will tell you that your time and attention are the new currency. That’s probably true. But what I’m thinking about is where did you spend the most  time this year PHYSICALLY? And why? If your attention is marketing gold, then surely your actual presence must say something about who you are as well. So where did you invest your time?

Transit

Some rights reserved by Ilja

I started the year in London. Since then, I've been back to university in Middlesbrough, Paris, back to Malaysia, started working in the heart of Kuala Lumpur, and up and down one of Southeast Asia's highest mountains, Mount Kinabalu. I've spent more time in trains, cars, and airplanes this year compared to any other year in my life. And while I'm hardly a jetsetter, I've done quite a bit of travelling by my standards this year.

And I guess this does reflect what 2011 has been for me - a year of transit. Much like waiting for trains and in departure lounges to be hurtled out into the new, exciting, and unfamiliar, this year has been filled with a lot of waiting, a lot of impatience, the occasional delay and setback, and ultimately, many, many new experiences. We all change as we grow up, but it feels like I've done more changing and stretching and growing this year than any other year before. I've been hurled out of my comfort zone again and again... and I've survived.

And I will keep traveling. I travel because life is motion, like a flowing river, always moving forward, and I travel to feel that motion, that rhythm, to hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears, to feel the rush of blood through my veins, to remind myself that I am alive.

I travel because if I have one life to live, I want to live it in the real world, not through a movie or a book or someone else's story. I want to watch the movie of my life unfold; I want to write and read the chapters of my own story.

It's been an amazing journey so far, but as all travel addicts will agree, once you get started, you can't stop! So here's to many more exciting new journeys ahead for 2012 and beyond.

Relish11.2 - Comfort soup

Our lives can be as much about consuming as they are about creating, it seems. But what is most interesting in hindsight is what we have given life to as we went through the course of our days. It doesn’t have to be literal art, like a painting or a poem (though those are beautiful and essential too). Consider what was a creation of your own mind this year. What art did you make?

Comfort Pumpkin Carrot Soup

In my last year in university in England, I had a lot of free time on my hands. I had a beautiful kitchen. And I was very cold 90% of the time. These ingredients combined together make for plenty of comfort food being cooked up, wonderful smells, steaming hot dishes, and a few extra kilograms. When I returned to Malaysia, this kind of comforting, nourishing, home-cooked food was one of the first things I missed. So I cooked up my very own pumpkin soup recipe to satisfy these cravings.

This is the kind of soup you want to drink on a rainy day, whether it's raining outside or raining in your soul. Maybe it's the nourishing, wholesome taste. Maybe it's the bright splash of sunny colour that audaciously screams "I dare you to stay miserable looking at me!" Who knows? All I know is this soup is comforting and delicious, and will probably make you go back for seconds.

Relish11.1 - Beautiful

Pick a random day, at any point throughout the last eleven months, and close your eyes. Try to imagine one single moment on that otherwise ordinary day. So much beauty and truth can be contained in the routines we create, the schedules we keep, the world we travel through, even when we are hopelessly unaware. Be aware now. See one moment with all your senses and connect to it now. What happened?

Beautiful

It's the first time I'm spending New Year's away from all that is familiar and the comfort of home and loved ones. I am feeling tired, cranky, and very, very cold. You would think that for someone like me who has never seen snow, I'd be thrilled by the sight of it. But I am in Middlesbrough, where it's been snowing for a week straight, and where the roads around my house are not salted. Everything is cold, wet, slippery, dark, and as I look up to the sky, powdery flakes of snow tumbling down all around me, I feel very, very small... and very, very alone.

A new song starts playing on my MP3 - Phil Wickam's 'You're Beautiful'. And as the music swells and snowflakes swirl and stars twinkle in the dark one cold winter night, a hushed reverence slowly creeps over me. As Phil sings, "I see your power in the moonlit night where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright; We are amazed in the light of the stars; it's all proclaiming who you are... You’re beautiful", my heart skips a beat and I suddenly realise how beautiful everything around me is. My numb fingers and chattering teeth seem to disappear as I walk along the road, lost in thoughts of the journey that brought a shy little Malaysian girl all the way to university in England... a journey filled with so much grace... grace that is beautiful.

"When we arrive at eternity’s shore where death is just a memory and tears are no more; We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring; Your bride will come together and we’ll sing... You’re Beautiful."

Suddenly, I don't feel alone. I know that something - or rather, Someone bigger than me is all around me, with me, beside me, Someone beautiful, who's making my life beautiful.

Relish11: Life is meant to be relished

Finally, blogging inspiration for the year-end! Stumbled across this beautifully thoughtful year-end writing project, Relish11, and although it's already underway I'm quite confident I'll be able to catch up in no time.

So, here's to the month ahead of slowing down, pausing, reflecting, preparing for a better year ahead, and taking the time to say 'Thank You' for the one that has just gone past.

My Relish11 posts so far:

Relish11.1 - Beautiful

Relish11.2 - Comfort soup

Relish11.3 - Transit

Relish11.4 - Fear

Relish11.5 - Sunburn

Relish11.6 - Silence
Relish11.7 - Surprise
Relish11.8 - Beans
Relish11.9 - Words

Forgiven

"He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west." -Psalm 103:12 

"Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven - for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." -Luke 7:47

It's hard to feel forgiven when the situations around you remind you of how far you've fallen from grace. It's hard to look at myself the way God sees me when I think the people around me don't see me that way.

It's such a struggle, but it's driving me to my knees to the only truth I know I can cling to - that no matter what anyone else thinks of me or how undeserving I am, I am washed, clean. As if my mistakes had never happened. And I am seen, held, and even loved, cherished.

Those people who may know better than me, be stronger than me, or wiser than me - yeah, sure, they may never have made the mistakes I have. But I take great comfort in the fact that when I sing the lines of "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me" I can mean every word. I can feel the weight of every ounce of grace that has been showered down on me.

So I might not have a perfect track record, but I know God doesn't see my sins as any lesser or greater than anyone else's because we all miss the mark.

But having 'worse' sins in the eyes of the world means I have more to be forgiven from...
more to be thankful for...
more reasons to extend grace...
and more reasons to love much.

I think there are some people out there who need to be reminded of this as much as I do.

Your scars and your past has made you who you are today. And who you are today can be beautiful. Because you are forgiven. And loved. And the love that spills over from knowing you are forgiven brings beauty.

Undeserving

"Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 

May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. 

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." 

-Ephesians 3:17-20

The past week, month, year - has been nothing short of a story of grace, undeserved, and blessing, poured out so immeasurably.

My cup overflows. I'm so thankful for the privileges, the opportunities, and the people that have come my way just to show me and remind me, when I was so close to giving up, that God is good.

That He cares about me. That He sees my struggles and fears and mistakes and unspoken hopes and dreams no one else knows about. And that He wants to bless me.

You are so good, God. You do infinitely more than I could ever ask or think, or hope for. You give beyond my wildest dreams. Your love and grace is beyond measure.

Safe

I haven't felt this vulnerable in a long, long time, and it scares me.

You keep tryin' to get inside my head,

While I keep trying to lose the words you said

Can't you see I'm hangin by a thread

To my life what I know, yeah I'm losing control

Oh no, my walls are gonna break

So close, its more than I can take

I'm so tired of turning and running away

When love just isn't safe

I'm strong enough, I've always told myself

I never want to need somebody else

But I've already fallen from that hill

So I'm dropping my guard
Here's your chance at my heart

I'm so tired of turning and running away 

When love just isn't everything you want, but its everything you need 

Its not always happy endings but its happy in-between 

Its taken so long, so long to finally see that

Your love is worth the risk