"Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” -Matthew 11:30 (MSG)
One of my goals for 2012 is to "create rhythm, and live in the rhythm".
If you're anything like me, then you're always reminiscing about the past or impatiently waiting for the next big thing to come along. Sameness and routine scares me. But too often I slip into the predictability of "the daily grind" because I am not deliberate enough in separating my moments, one from another.
What creating rhythm means for me is separating the ordinary, everyday moments into distinct notes that combined together, form a beautiful melody, instead of an indistinguishable blur of monotonous background noise. That is what I hope to do for the year ahead.
During the last week of 2011, I took some time to jot down a few words in my journal related to the kind of rhythm I want to create in my daily, weekly, and monthly routines. I'm sharing them here in case you might be inspired to do something similar.
Daily rhythm:
mornings - peaceful, anticipating, refreshed, calm, stretch, read the Bible, shower, eat breakfast at home
afternoons - don't eat at desk, low-carb, focus, energized, walk
evenings - relax, reflect, recharge, rest, family, friends, no email
Weekly rhythm:
workdays - less Facebook, sleep earlier
weekends - family, creativity, physical activity, outdoors, cook, bake, play
Monthly rhythm:
celebrate one thing (be thankful)
cultivate / get rid of one habit (practice discipline)
tell one person's story (write)
ask for one thing (pray)
Physical rhythm:
Divide a wall in my room into sections and paste up...
'Celebrate' - what I'm thankful for
'Ask' - what I'm praying for
'Others' - how people have inspired me or made me think
"We need rhythm in our time—it’s what makes one moment different from another. It gives shape and color and form to all of life.
The first Christians understood this—that time, like sound, is best when broken up, divided and arranged into patterns and rhythms. And so they created the church calendar. A way to organize the year, a way to bring variance to our days, a way to find a song in the passing of time.
What the church calendar does is create space for Jesus to meet us in the full range of human experience, for God to speak to us across the spectrum, in the good and the bad, in the joy and in the tears." -Rob Bell, Why Advent
Hello friends, I'll be away from this blog for some time to do some real world catching up with friends, feasting, celebrating, and basically just living.
So I'll see you in the year ahead. :) Hope you're spending some good time with your loved ones as the year draws to a close too, and making the last few days of 2011 count.
What quote, or line from a poem or a song, most captures what this year was for you?
It's hard for me to pick one. So I've narrowed it down to one of each: a quote, a poem, and a line from a song. :)
This year, in a nutshell, has been an incredible journey. There was a lot of travelling done - literally, as well as within my soul. So many new and unfamiliar experiences have been squeezed into the past 11 months, but in the middle of all the wandering and exploring, there is the one thing that anchors me, that always brings me back to where I began, and to who I am.
Quote.
"Not all who wander are lost." -J. R. R. Tolkien
Poem.
"We shall not cease from exploration.
And the end of all our exploring.
Will be to arrive where we started.
And know the place for the first time."
-T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets
Song.
"Wherever I wander, the one thing I've learned;
It's to here, I will always return." -This is Where I Belong, Bryan Adams
What flavor did you most relish this year? Perhaps it was a whole meal, but what can you say about the flavors of the last eleven months, what do you want to remember?
I spent a lot of time eating alone in the UK. And so if there's one taste I'd want to keep in my memory, it'd be the better taste of food when it's shared with good company.
Other than that, new flavours I've discovered this year would be pulses and beans - which should be a staple of every cheapo student's diet. Healthy, fiber-filled, and powdery, beans are a way better alternative to potatoes. From hummus to bean stews, soups and casseroles to dhal curries, beans are an amazingly tasty, healthy, and cheap way to fill up.
We like to think no one knows who we are better than we do. I mean, we’ve lived with ourselves our whole lives, right? (Sometimes we might even like a break, but can’t seem to get one:)) But every once in a while we do something, or say something, or think something that catches us off guard, and we realize we just surprised ourselves. When did you surprise yourself this year? What happened?
Surprise
I surprised myself many times this year, when...
I went for, and stayed for The Alpha Course at a time when I was seriously considering dropping out of church altogether. And a couple weeks later, I started co-leading a post-Alpha program.
I approached two sisters - now dear friends - whom I barely knew and asked them if they wanted to co-organise a very ambitious event in collaboration with Global Entrepreneurship Week and we planned CultureRun's Big Idea, roped in sponsors, speakers, and participants in under three weeks.
I joined - and stayed in - the currently ongoing Your Big Year global competition. I've had to commit way more than I expected to when I first joined, but it's been such a learning process and I've had the opportunity to do things I never thought I'd do.
I decided impulsively to climb Mount Kinabalu three weeks before, with no proper training (unless you count climbing 51 flights of stairs - once). I bought my plane tickets the day I decided, and there was no turning back, even when I only slept an hour at the midway point, and was feeling nauseous and dizzy as I completed the last leg of the climb. Made it all the way to the very highest peak!
I survived half a year in the corporate world, and looking back, it didn't really feel that long!
And looking back, I realise those are achievements to be proud of. Especially when I know how far I've come from being a shy, nerdy, self-loathing tomboy who'd rather do anything than God forbid, talk to people. Who would've known I would actually find my niche in communications and writing?
What is one thing you have come to truly relish in 2011? How do you express your gratitude for it?
Silence
For the first whole month I was in the UK, I had trouble sleeping at night. The problem was the silence was so loud, it was deafening. It took me some time, but I got used to it. I also realised how much noise - not just auditory noise but mental and visual noise I'd been surrounded by in the city.
These days, I express my gratitude for silence by no longer making a habit of always having the radio on when I drive or having music playing in the background as I work. These days, I cherish the silence. These days, I feel incomplete and deprived if I don't have my moment of silence in a day, because the silence helps me clear my mind, throw out clutter and negativity swirling around in my head, and helps me to come to a place of peace within myself.
See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls. -Mother Teresa
Even in this innovative age we live in where we all seem to have our camera phones with us at all times, there are going to be moments that simply don’t get caught on film or pixel. What was one such moment, that you know lasts in your memory right now, but that will fade as time goes on? Describe it here, as if you have the photo right in front of you.
Sunburn
Bobbing along on undulating turquoise waves, propped up lazily on our orange life jackets, sun kissing our backs. You telling me your stories, and I telling you mine. Drifting further and further out until everyone on the beach looks like tiny ants. Getting stung by invisible bitey sea monsters. Trying to push each other off our lifejackets. Thinking I could do this for a million years.
No one likes to re-live moments of fear. We are often shown as children how to “master” our fear, or “wrestle” with it. Today let’s consider fear in a new light. Let’s let fear have a say, and for once really listen to what is tells us. Fear can be a most powerful teacher. When were you fearful in this past year? Follow that fear now, and see if there was a lesson for you. Did you take anything positive away from that experience? If you follow it, instead of fight it, what does your fear have to offer you?
This year, I faced two huge fears: 1) the fear of being alone, and 2) the fear of not doing work that matters.
Far away from my support network and family, I spent a lot of time alone in the UK. While much of this time alone was therapeutic and gave me plenty of space to think and reflect, much of it was also spent worrying about losing people, about people coming and going, about whether I'd ever find someone to get used to. I've said more 'hellos' and 'goodbyes' this year than I cared to, but in the midst of all of that I've seen amazing new friendships come into my life when I most needed it. I've learned that sometimes we need to let go of some people, but it's always, always, so the ones we need can come into our lives.
Having just entered the corporate world, I also struggled with connecting meaning to my job. And through people and my reading and songs, I've been reminded again and again that peace, purpose, and satisfaction is a state of being, not doing. It's hard, coming from an Asian mentality, to believe that what I do does not equal who I am, but I am learning a little bit more everyday that it doesn't. I'm learning to 'bloom where I'm planted', and that it's more a matter of my attitude and perspective towards things that make a difference, and less about what I am actually doing.
Nowadays online marketers and those in the know will tell you that your time and attention are the new currency. That’s probably true. But what I’m thinking about is where did you spend the most time this year PHYSICALLY? And why? If your attention is marketing gold, then surely your actual presence must say something about who you are as well. So where did you invest your time?
I started the year in London. Since then, I've been back to university in Middlesbrough, Paris, back to Malaysia, started working in the heart of Kuala Lumpur, and up and down one of Southeast Asia's highest mountains, Mount Kinabalu. I've spent more time in trains, cars, and airplanes this year compared to any other year in my life. And while I'm hardly a jetsetter, I've done quite a bit of travelling by my standards this year.
And I guess this does reflect what 2011 has been for me - a year of transit. Much like waiting for trains and in departure lounges to be hurtled out into the new, exciting, and unfamiliar, this year has been filled with a lot of waiting, a lot of impatience, the occasional delay and setback, and ultimately, many, many new experiences. We all change as we grow up, but it feels like I've done more changing and stretching and growing this year than any other year before. I've been hurled out of my comfort zone again and again... and I've survived.
And I will keep traveling. I travel because life is motion, like a flowing river, always moving forward, and I travel to feel that motion, that rhythm, to hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears, to feel the rush of blood through my veins, to remind myself that I am alive.
I travel because if I have one life to live, I want to live it in the real world, not through a movie or a book or someone else's story. I want to watch the movie of my life unfold; I want to write and read the chapters of my own story.
It's been an amazing journey so far, but as all travel addicts will agree, once you get started, you can't stop! So here's to many more exciting new journeys ahead for 2012 and beyond.
Our lives can be as much about consuming as they are about creating, it seems. But what is most interesting in hindsight is what we have given life to as we went through the course of our days. It doesn’t have to be literal art, like a painting or a poem (though those are beautiful and essential too). Consider what was a creation of your own mind this year. What art did you make?
Comfort Pumpkin Carrot Soup
In my last year in university in England, I had a lot of free time on my hands. I had a beautiful kitchen. And I was very cold 90% of the time. These ingredients combined together make for plenty of comfort food being cooked up, wonderful smells, steaming hot dishes, and a few extra kilograms. When I returned to Malaysia, this kind of comforting, nourishing, home-cooked food was one of the first things I missed. So I cooked up my very own pumpkin soup recipe to satisfy these cravings.
This is the kind of soup you want to drink on a rainy day, whether it's raining outside or raining in your soul. Maybe it's the nourishing, wholesome taste. Maybe it's the bright splash of sunny colour that audaciously screams "I dare you to stay miserable looking at me!" Who knows? All I know is this soup is comforting and delicious, and will probably make you go back for seconds.
Pick a random day, at any point throughout the last eleven months, and close your eyes. Try to imagine one single moment on that otherwise ordinary day. So much beauty and truth can be contained in the routines we create, the schedules we keep, the world we travel through, even when we are hopelessly unaware. Be aware now. See one moment with all your senses and connect to it now. What happened?
Beautiful
It's the first time I'm spending New Year's away from all that is familiar and the comfort of home and loved ones. I am feeling tired, cranky, and very, very cold. You would think that for someone like me who has never seen snow, I'd be thrilled by the sight of it. But I am in Middlesbrough, where it's been snowing for a week straight, and where the roads around my house are not salted. Everything is cold, wet, slippery, dark, and as I look up to the sky, powdery flakes of snow tumbling down all around me, I feel very, very small... and very, very alone.
A new song starts playing on my MP3 - Phil Wickam's 'You're Beautiful'. And as the music swells and snowflakes swirl and stars twinkle in the dark one cold winter night, a hushed reverence slowly creeps over me. As Phil sings, "I see your power in the moonlit night where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright; We are amazed in the light of the stars; it's all proclaiming who you are... You’re beautiful", my heart skips a beat and I suddenly realise how beautiful everything around me is. My numb fingers and chattering teeth seem to disappear as I walk along the road, lost in thoughts of the journey that brought a shy little Malaysian girl all the way to university in England... a journey filled with so much grace... grace that is beautiful.
"When we arrive at eternity’s shore where death is just a memory and tears are no more; We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring; Your bride will come together and we’ll sing... You’re Beautiful."
Suddenly, I don't feel alone. I know that something - or rather, Someone bigger than me is all around me, with me, beside me, Someone beautiful, who's making my life beautiful.
Finally, blogging inspiration for the year-end! Stumbled across this beautifully thoughtful year-end writing project, Relish11, and although it's already underway I'm quite confident I'll be able to catch up in no time.
So, here's to the month ahead of slowing down, pausing, reflecting, preparing for a better year ahead, and taking the time to say 'Thank You' for the one that has just gone past.
"He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west." -Psalm 103:12
"Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven - for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." -Luke 7:47
It's hard to feel forgiven when the situations around you remind you of how far you've fallen from grace. It's hard to look at myself the way God sees me when I think the people around me don't see me that way.
It's such a struggle, but it's driving me to my knees to the only truth I know I can cling to - that no matter what anyone else thinks of me or how undeserving I am, I am washed, clean. As if my mistakes had never happened. And I am seen, held, and even loved, cherished.
Those people who may know better than me, be stronger than me, or wiser than me - yeah, sure, they may never have made the mistakes I have. But I take great comfort in the fact that when I sing the lines of "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me" I can mean every word. I can feel the weight of every ounce of grace that has been showered down on me.
So I might not have a perfect track record, but I know God doesn't see my sins as any lesser or greater than anyone else's because we all miss the mark.
But having 'worse' sins in the eyes of the world means I have more to be forgiven from...
more to be thankful for...
more reasons to extend grace...
and more reasons to love much.
I think there are some people out there who need to be reminded of this as much as I do.
Your scars and your past has made you who you are today. And who you are today can be beautiful. Because you are forgiven. And loved. And the love that spills over from knowing you are forgiven brings beauty.
"Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.
May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think."
-Ephesians 3:17-20
The past week, month, year - has been nothing short of a story of grace, undeserved, and blessing, poured out so immeasurably.
My cup overflows. I'm so thankful for the privileges, the opportunities, and the people that have come my way just to show me and remind me, when I was so close to giving up, that God is good.
That He cares about me. That He sees my struggles and fears and mistakes and unspoken hopes and dreams no one else knows about. And that He wants to bless me.
You are so good, God. You do infinitely more than I could ever ask or think, or hope for. You give beyond my wildest dreams. Your love and grace is beyond measure.
"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." -Matthew 10:29-31 (NKJV)
Tiny meows and little feet.
Blank eyes and a large garbage bag.
I stop my car and you patter underneath, your wobbly legs trembling with every step, broken tail trailing behind you.
I make a U-turn in the pouring rain and you are still there, carrying your heavy burden behind you, hunched over, hobbling along the highway as drivers speed past without a second glance.
You are just an abandoned stray kitten.
You are just an old, raggedy street bum.
Nobody sees you.
Nobody cares.
Why should they? You don't contribute anything of value. Nobody would notice if you're gone. That small bundle of skin and bones that will become tomorrow's roadkill. That mentally unstable, drugged out alcoholic whose own family doesn't even want him.
No one else sees you. But I do. And I cannot. look. away.
I cannot because I have questioned my own value and worth. I have wondered if anyone would even notice if I'm gone. I have believed that my life was meaningless and that I had nothing to hope for.
I cannot look away because if I believe those things to be true about you then I would have to believe the same thing about myself.
Nobody sees your struggles. Nobody sees mine. Nobody feels your loneliness. Nobody feels mine.
But I know that cannot be true. I know I am seen, held, even... loved. And the same arms that hold me and the same eyes that see me must belong to the same person who cares for you in the same way.
The same person who says that you are not insignificant.
You are not a number. You are not a statistic.
You are not just a pile of skin and bones.
You are not your past, your mistakes, or where you came from.
I must believe those things are true for you. So I can believe the same is true for me.
So I pick you up in my arms, a squirming bundle of claws and meows. I take you home and give you a bath. I send out an e-mail asking if anyone can give you a new home. I wait and hope for someone to give you a second chance.
So I stop my car in the thunderstorm and I ask, "Encik, mana you mau pergi?". And you mumble something incoherently and although I only drop you a short way down the road and even though I wonder if you even know where you want to go and if I made any difference at all, I hope at least you will realise you are not unseen.
“Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these, my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’" -Matthew 25:37-40
A week ago before I left for Kota Kinabalu to climb one of Southeast Asia's highest peaks and to enjoy some time out, my youngest brother asked me, "When are you coming back?"
To which I replied, "I'm not coming back."
To which he gave me a blank, "whatever" sort of stare. "Serious la..."
I replied, "Seriously, the person that will be climbing down the mountain won't be the same person that climbed up."
It's true.
I've known for some time now that travelling changes you like little else can. Yet somehow, it still catches me by surprise every time I travel and change, grow, and stretch myself a little bit more.
Someone once wrote that "no journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within."
The past five days in KK have done just that.
I climbed to the peak of Mount Kinabalu, the burden of my backpack weighing down on me, carrying also the burden of past mistakes, people who have hurt me, and things I needed to let go of.
I trudged through pelting rain and cold winds, knowing that as cold and miserable as the rain was it would wash away the dust and dirt of everyday life and leave things fresh and new again.
I watched the landscape and weather change as we trekked through dense tropical jungle, through rocky, temperate hills, and finally, over massive bare granite slabs, as I thought about how the landscape of my soul has changed as I journeyed through different seasons in life.
I battled with my mind telling me, "you can't make it", to push through the last few stages of the climb, where the peak felt so close and yet so incredibly far. I fought with my heart against giving up on hope, love, and second chances that felt so close and yet at the same time, so impossible for someone like me.
I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to do the very last things I wanted to do, things that scared the crap out of me, like ice cold showers and being vulnerable.
I depended on others - to guide me, support me, encourage me, inspire me, motivate me, walk beside me, and tell me that it's okay and I'd make it through when I doubted myself.
I let go. Of expectations, of things that weighed me down, of excuses, of the fear of things changing.
I embraced the change.
And changed.
Five days away, and I came back a different person - skin a little tanner, legs a little more sore, one more item checked off my bucket list.
But beyond that, I've come home a little bit more satisfied, a little bit stronger, and a little bit braver.
I conquered not just a physical mountain, but also intimidating mountains in my soul. And I've learned not so much that I'm stronger than I think I am, but that I have a Source of strength I can draw from that is more than enough to compensate for my fears, my weaknesses, and my doubt.
I've learned that journeys are meant to be shared, and that it's okay to need others. I've learned that I can say, "I don't know if I can do this," and not be judged or criticised for it, that there are plenty of generous people willing to lend a helping hand or an encouraging word, and that travelling is a lot more fun in good company.
I've been reminded that although this journey through life is often difficult, long, and arduous... it is also so heart-breakingly beautiful. And no matter what discouragement or setbacks you may face, everything is worth it for the moments that come and steal your breath away along the way.
I'm learning to live a little bit deeper within myself. To chase after my goals and dreams, even if I'm not sure I have what it takes to reach them. To always stay open. To hope, to life, to love, to change... to new beginnings.
I find that the more I explore, the more I get out there and just experience life - meeting new people, experiencing new things, taking risks, reaching for goals - the more I reach out to the world around me and take steps forward into uncharted territory... the more precious it becomes to take the time to pause, step back, and draw inwards to reflect and recharge.
The past three weeks have been crazy, fun-filled, mind-blowing weeks where I had the privilege to do stuff I never thought I'd be able to - not this soon, at least. And in a few days, I'll be checking one item off my bucket list - climbing Mount Kinabalu - again, something I'd always wanted to do but never thought that I'd be able to do so soon.
At a glance, all these things seem so exciting, so 'adventurous', as people have often described my life. But it's in the quiet moments that I realise it's not the 'big' things that give my life meaning. It's not the visible 'accomplishments' or 'success' that took the most effort or courage to achieve; it's the hidden battles that no one sees that don't come easy.
Despite my varied interests and activities, I'm still very much a writer at heart. Which means I'm a deeply private person. I don't naturally enjoy prolonged socialising and interacting with people - getting out there and taking the initiative to make connections and volunteer myself for things is not something that comes easily for me. Hard to believe sometimes maybe, but it's true.
Yet I find myself pushing myself out of my comfort zone and doing the very things I struggle with.
And in the quiet moments, I ask myself, Why are you doing all these things, Crys?Is it out of a sense of pride in my accomplishments? Is it so people will see how good or accomplished a person you are? Is it just to prove a point to the people who have discouraged you or said "You can't" along the way?
Maybe it's a little of all those things. I am only human. But I think if I were driven solely by those things, I'd have burned out a long time ago.
And so I ask myself, on an almost daily basis, Why do I bother doing what I do? What is it that I really want to do with my life? How is the way I'm living today helping me get to that ultimate goal?
I find myself, again and again, coming back to the same answers.
I want to make a difference. But not just any difference. I want to be a force for good. I want to give to others, because people have given to me. I want to inspire others, because people have inspired me. I want to bring hope, just as I have been given hope. I want to love, just as I have been loved.
It's never an easy road to take to choose to live by and stand for the things you believe in. It's very often, in fact, exhausting. But every time I start feeling tired I remind myself of how blessed and loved I am, and I focus on all the good things that are in my life, and somehow, I find enough strength to keep moving forward in this journey of learning to love and help and serve those around me better.
This weekend, this song has been the refreshing reminder I needed. I've been drowning myself in the lyrics and melodies and literally looping it over and over again as I caught up on some much-needed rest over the weekend. Hope it blesses you too.
Coalition 58 needs your help in adopting and donating to
families in need in our community in support of RunNat GRACE.
What is Coalition 58?
An alliance of Christian NGOs working in co-operation with churches including: Malaysian
Care, Harvest Bhd, Partners In Enterprise (M), Sports Partnership (M) Sdn Bhd, and
Hands for Good (CCM). Coalition 58 seeks to stir up and empower a generation of
Christian youths to be salt and light to the poor and oppressed in communities
around them.
What is RunNat GRACE?
Run for the Nation (RunNat) is an annual running event created as a platform
for Christians to come together to run and pray for the community. RunNat GRACE
aims to take this prayer a step further – by being the answer to prayers. During
this year’s RunNat in October, runners could choose to help raise funds as they
ran for families in
need represented through the Coalition 58 organisations. The runners then will work with the particular
NGO that is representing their sponsored families to help execute projects that
will help the families build a new life.
The vision of Run Nat
GRACE & Coalition58: To create a new form of charity, one that is not
touch & go... or just giving hand outs, but one that creates sustainable
solutions.
How can I help?
Post RunNat 2011, RunNat GRACE is still short of RM 55-60k for thefamilies as there
were not enough funds raised. Some families in need have received nothing/not
received all they need. Coalition 58 needs your help in providing funds to help
these families rebuild their lives. They are also looking to recruit young
volunteers for RunNat.
Last week at After-Alpha we watched a video about the Bible's relevance in our lives today. Nicky Gumbel, the speaker, told a story of this young woman (journalist if I recall correctly?) who was reading a novel by a certain author and hated it. One day at a party, she met a young man who charmed her socks off. To her surprise, she discovered he was the author of the novel she disliked. That night she went home and reread the entire novel, seeing each line and paragraph in a new light, after having encountered the person who wrote it.
That pretty much sums up the way I read the Bible these days.
I think my life has done a 180 turn since returning from the UK - back in July I was pretty much lost, not sure what I wanted to do with my life, and holding on to quite a bit of the past and fears about the future. I think that's changed since... for the better.
And I'm so thankful. So thankful for the past five months. So thankful for the lessons it's taught me. So thankful for the emptiness, the lostness... that brought me here. So thankful that I'm in a place where I wake up every day and can say that I love the life I live. So thankful I'm learning to let go of my uncertainly of the future and my near-sighted plans... and embrace whatever's next.
So thankful that these days, when I flip through the pages of this precious Book, every word speaks LIFE into my soul.
"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!"
I doubt two weeks have ever passed faster in my life, as the past two weeks have.
Taking some time out to reflect and look back at it, I'm so amazed at how Big Idea, a forum/workshop to inspire young people to Creativity, Big Ideas, and pursuing their dreams, was weaved together in just the last two and a half weeks.
A mere two and a half weeks ago, I had a Big Idea. I approached two sisters who run their own company, founded on another Big Idea, and we decided to combine our ideas and organise this Big Idea event.
In these two weeks, people have come into our Team and our lives, catching the vision and providing the support, encouragement, funds, and resources needed to make this Big Idea a reality.
Next Friday, more than 80 creative, passionate, and brilliant young minds will meet at KLPac in the beautiful Sentul Park, to hear seven highly accomplished and successful speakers from a wide range of fields and industries - from business to music, from magic to environmental protection, from community outreach to hairstyling, from motivational training to corporate talent development - share their insights on creativity and how they got to where they are today.
Looking at how it all came together, I am so blown away - and so thankful for the privilege of working with such amazing, motivated, and passionate people and such an inspiring project.
But above all I'm so thankful that I work with a team whose priority is God - whose priority is advancing His values and His truth and His creativity not just within the walls of the church - but beyond it.
Today on the way back home on the LRT I was reading a passage from Ephesians that I felt was very fitting for the Team in this season that I pray might bless you too:
"I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!
All this energy issues from Christ: God raised him from death and set him on a throne in deep heaven, in charge of running the universe, everything from galaxies to governments, no name and no power exempt from his rule. And not just for the time being, but forever. He is in charge of it all, has the final word on everything. At the center of all this, Christ rules the church.
The church, you see, is not peripheral to the world; the world is peripheral to the church. The church is Christ's body, in which he speaks and acts, by which he fills everything with his presence."
-Ephesians 1 (The Message)
My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. -John 10:10 (NLT)
Live creatively, friends.
Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't compare yourself with others. Take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.
My last post talked about feeling empty, and lacking.
So I thought it would be a good time to focus on the opposite - on abundance and fullness.
Despite what I lack, when I have some down time to stop and clear my head - usually stuck in a jam or on the LRT after work - I never fail to be reminded of the abundance of blessings that my life is flooded with.
I could do with more thankfulness. I think all of us could. There are a million and one things we take for granted every day, every moment, that we forget to say 'thank you' for.
Someone once said if the only prayer you ever said was "Thank you", that would be enough (Meister Eckhart). I completely agree. Except I would add "I'm sorry" to "Thank you." I think those four little words are the most important words anyone could ever learn.
So this is a thankful post, counting the dozens of blessings that have been showered on me.
I'm thankful for:
Amazing friends
Answered prayers for Good People to come into my life
Working for a company whose values I share and whose vision I can believe in
Getting plugged back into a community of believers who come together in a way I've always dreamed to see - with no regards for denomination, without being judgemental or critical, but being real, admitting we're not perfect, and just doing life together as we learn to be more like Him
Being reminded and inspired again to live each day as if it were my last while watching Jayesslee live
The chance to be part of an amazing global competition with the prize of a year-long trip around the world for Good Causes
Every time things get this way, I crave some quiet downtime, and though I might not be able to grab as much of it as I'd like to, I enjoy spending such time unwinding with some thoughtful music and typing my thoughts out here.
Lots of exciting stuff has been happening lately, which I've become over the last few weeks, very familiar with pitching to anyone and everyone I meet. But this space and this time isn't for talking about those things. It's for talking about real.
Real is the fact that in spite of the whirlwind of activity going on around me, there are still the quiet, empty moments - that somehow seem to be felt even more acutely against the flurry of events taking place.
Real is me very much wondering if where I am and what I'm doing is where God wants me to be.
Real is wishing I could trade all these amazing things for the simple things - for a shoulder to rest my head on, for a hand and a heart to hold.
Real is asking how much longer I have to wait for those things.
Real is trying not to lose sight of the goals I run towards as distractions crowd in from all sides.
I want so many things. More time. More energy. Someone special. A simpler way to do things. A less scary way to reach for my dreams. I want a lazy day in.
At times like these when I look at all I lack, my hands and heart feel so empty, so aching to be filled.
I suppose this is what it means to devote yourself to something with abandon. To spend yourself to the last drop on something you consider most worthy over every other love. I guess the reason I'm still here pursuing what I believe is worthwhile over pursuing what I want... is that I've found that Something.
Something I wouldn't trade for easier, for less scary, for someone to love me and hold me the way I want to be loved and held right this instant. Something infinitely better than all the other good things I can think about. Something I would spend every last reserve on, even if it means all my other loves take a backseat.
Times like these my hands and heart feel so empty - but I know, even though I don't feel it - that they are being filled, with the kind of fullness that comes from spending every last bit of yourself until nothing remains... only whatever you have been spending yourself on.
I know even though I may feel tired, afraid, discouraged, lonely - I know I am being changed. Slowly, but surely. The thought processes that take place in my head, the instinctive reactions I have to things - slowly, they are being changed.
Speaking of spending myself, I have been very challenged by the life of an amazing man, William Borden, who understood exactly what it meant to abandon yourself to a worthy cause. I have this quote book that's one of my most cherished possessions in which I write down every quote that's meant a lot to me and carried me through the seasons of life.
On the front page, I wrote his words:
"No reserves. No retreat. No regrets."
I pray with every morning I wake and every breath I take that those words will be my life's prayer.
It's been awhile since I wrote a raw, honest blog post. A friend said that it reflected the fact that I was growing up. And while I do believe self-censorship is a mark of maturity, and not all deeply personal thoughts are appropriate for public spaces, I think it's good once in awhile to carve time and space to be real.
We all need the reminder once in awhile that we're all human, we all struggle, we all make mistakes - and the best part is, we don't have to go through it all alone.
While I had an amazing time learning and experiencing a lot of new things in the UK, I returned from Malaysia a lot more guarded, and more used to being alone than before I left. It was hard to adjust back to having such a huge network of friends all over again, and to be a part of and identify with their lives (which had changed since I left) after experiencing such a different life for a year (I had changed since I left, too).
It took some time, but the more I discovered spaces where other people were honest and real, the more I felt it was okay to be honest and real. It's an ongoing process because starting a new job, being a part of so many new social circles, and adjusting to change in general, doesn't come easy. It's tempting to blend in and play down the unique strengths and personality traits and odd quirks that make me me.
I'm thankful that every time I feel totally insignificant and like I have nothing worthwhile to offer, a little burst of encouragement comes my way - in the form of a little note, some good one-to-one time with a friend over coffee, or a book. Or, like yesterday, Jayesslee - two gorgeous girls who on the outside, seem to 'have it all' - putting aside appearances and being totally vulnerable.
I struggled to hold back tears as they shared their story of losing their mother to cancer at such a young age and how they struggled with understanding a God who would take their mother from them. How they eventually came to find peace in Him, inspired by their mother, who became "happier and happier" the closer she got to eternity. And how in her final moments, with her last breaths, their mother lay in the hospital bed praising her Maker before she returned to Him. I cried because I knew if I had been in their shoes, I'd have broken down, over and over again.
I struggled to hold back tears as I think about the lyrics of Switchfoot's "Dare You to Move" that they covered - a song that has carried me through countless times I felt like giving up on hope. As they sang "Everybody's watching you now", I saw my teenage years flash past me. I saw this scared, would-do-anything-so-nobody-notices-me, insecure, and painfully shy girl that I used to be, who defined herself by the assumptions and judgements and perceptions people had about her.
As they sang "Welcome to the fallout / welcome to resistance / the tension is here ... between who you are and who you could be / between how it is and how it should be", I saw that scared girl find hope and strength in Someone who loved her in ways beyond what she dreamed of - but struggling and stumbling to believe such love could be for her. Who saw at the same time, a hundred reasons to believe in all she could be, but a hundred things that limited her from becoming that. And growing up constantly battling between those two sides.
As they sang "Dare you to move / like today never happened", I saw an older, more cynical, but not necessarily wiser girl stumble her way through college and university, making mistakes she wondered if she would ever heal from in the process. And the fear and weight of wondering if "today" had robbed her of the future.
Finally, as they sang "Maybe redemption has stories to tell / maybe forgiveness is right where you fell" I saw who I am today. Far from perfect, still broken, still making mistakes - but getting there, healing, and trying again. Someone learning to define herself more by what He says about me than what others think about me. Who finds more reasons to be brave than scared these days. Who carries scars from the past but wears them as medals of having healed well. Who still fights battles, every single day, but for whom giving up is no longer an option. Who lives a vast, beautiful, colourful, hope-filled life, painted with eternity.
When asked what was one piece of advice they wished to give to young people out there, the twins said it would be to live each day as if it were your last. So simple, so cliched - but for me, it was a precious reminder. I don't think we can have enough reminders every day - heck, even every hour to be reminded of the frailty of life.
Life is short. It's too short to waste dwelling on your fears and insecurities. We all have them. Life is too short to sit back and do nothing about your dreams. Life is too short to feel your heart moved in compassion for whatever unique cause you are compelled to (my heart has never been for evangelism in the slightest bit but show me an abandoned puppy or a starving child and my heart breaks into a million pieces) to not do anything to help change things. We cannot do everything, but as someone I look up to greatly, Mother Theresa, said: "We can do small things with great love."
Finally, life is to short to not love. Without love, life is nothing. Love your family. Love your friends. Love what you do. Love the situations and even the challenges you're placed in. Love who you are. Love the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, even if you haven't met him or her yet. Love, as in the verb, not the emotion.
I'll end with something I read this morning that really challenged me to get out there and live and love to the fullest:
I will do more than belong - I will participate. I will do more than care - I will help. I will do more than believe - I will practice. I will do more than be fair - I will be kind. I will do more than forgive - I will forget. I will do more than dream - I will work. I will do more than teach - I will inspire. I will do more than earn - I will enrich. I will do more than give - I will serve. I will do more than live - I will grow. I will do more than suffer - I will triumph. -William Arthur Ward
Thank you for taking a little of your precious time to stop by my little space in the vast, wide web.
I will be taking a really short hiatus to concentrate my online efforts on participating in a competition that will allow me to travel around the world for one year doing social and volunteer work, which has always been something close to my heart, as you might know if you know me personally. Even if I don't win the grand prize, 12 finalists will have the opportunity to represent their countries on a world stage and get short-term opportunities to travel and make a difference in communities worldwide.
So, if you could spare a little bit more of your time, I would really appreciate if you hope on over to My Big Year 2012, which I set up specially for this journey, to find out a little bit more about it, and to support me in my efforts to make it through to the next round! The Top 50 with the most active supporters will go through to the finals. I am currently ranked #46, and every little action of yours helps me not just stay in the Top 50, but pushes me a little further towards the top! :)
Many thanks and much much appreciation in advance,
As Asians, we grow up inculcated with the value of thriftiness. We're taught to spend carefully and save up for rainy days - which is probably the reason financial crises are always tamer in Asian economies and corporations compared to those seen in the West.
And it's a brilliant thing, being smart about how we spend our money - as long as we view our money as a tool to reach our end goals and not hoarding it as an end in itself. There's a big difference between someone who says "I want to be a billionaire", period, and someone who says "I want to be a billionaire so I can build affordable housing for the poor."
Speaking of money, I stumbled across this literary quote today:
“And in a day we should be rich!” she laughed. “I’d give it to you, the pirate gold and every bit of treasure we could dig up. I think you would know how to spend it. Pirate gold isn’t to be hoarded or utilized. It is something to throw to the four winds, for the fun of seeing the gold specks fly!” -Kate Chopin, The Awakening
"...since reading The Awakening in college, I have been thinking about [this quote] as something other than a joyful statement advocating spendthrift behavior. I’ve been thinking about all the things that pirate gold is, in our lives, beyond actual gold. The tiny things – tying cleats, reheating noodles, checking homework, driving to school on a rime-frosted morning, folding pajama bottoms – these are not things to be rushed through so that I can finally get to Life. They are the gold flecks of life itself.
Only when we realize that these moments are the gold of life itself do we fully appreciate the gorgeousness of their flight. And, of course, the startling truth of their impermanence: what passes more quickly than gold flecks hurled into the wind? I read Chopin’s words, now, as an exhortation to spend, not to hoard: our time, our love, our energy, our spirit. We only have today. Why save up for a future that is unsure?
...I am aware of an instinct, in myself and in others, to sometimes hunker down, preserve, conserve. As though somehow our energy and love are zero-sum affairs. That may be true of energy, as I get older, but I’m sure love is limitless."
I thought about a certain person who once told a crowd:
"Don't hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or—worse!—stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it's safe from moth and rust and burglars. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being." -Matthew 6:19-21 (The Message)
And I was reminded today of saving up - but for the right things. And learning to spend all the things I don't have to hoard. The things that multiply when they are freely tossed into the wind and shared, like faith and joy and love.
The more acquainted I get with the Bible, the more I find it to be full of radical, counter-cultural - even subversive truths that great minds from different eras and cultures and even different creeds and religions have echoed. Yes, there's plenty of timeless truths in there - but also plenty that turns conventional wisdom upside down.
One of my favourite things about my year in the UK was being able to buy books online from Amazon at much more affordable rates compared to books bought in Malaysia. Then I discovered Book Depository and found out BookXcess had expanded in the time I was away, much to my delight.
The other day as I was wrapping and flipping through a stack of recently-bought books, it struck me that since last year I have been able to afford buying books for myself - brand new, no less!
Even though I was an avid reader since 2 or 3 (my mum tells me the only way to get me to sit down for a meal or in the toilet was to put a book in front of me), books were privileges borrowed from libraries, passed down second-hand from older kids who had outgrown them, or, once a year, given brand-new by an aunt from England whenever she returned for summer holidays.
No book would pass through our household without being pored over, savoured, digested, or, even for the utterly boring ones, quickly skimmed through and then spat out.
Second-hand encyclopaedias from an uncle were my primers on folk tales, Greek mythology, and dog breeds from Papillons to Irish Setters.
Reader's Digest informed my general knowledge on the fact that a sneeze can carry germs up to as far as 15 feet and the meanings of and difference between the words opaque and translucent.
Biographies of great people like Helen Keller and Corrie Ten Boom seared the importance of kindness, love, and the beauty of the human spirit across my heart.
"The Chronicles of Narnia" captured my imagination and deepened my sense of mystery and wonder.
An old diet book of my mother's from her younger days taught me that self-control and discipline were the most important (and really, the only) diet tips any girl needs to know.
Tales of mice in flying baskets and sailor dogs ignited my passion for travel and discovery, and Usborne books made me aware of the sobering reality of the waste produced by commercialism.
Sean Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" prepped me for the challenges that I would face in the years to come but more importantly instilled in me great habits that keep me going even past my teens.
I read all this, mind you, before I'd even hit 13. I've barely touched any of the above books since but everything I've learned from them remain a part of who I've become today.
As a child, my parents were not able to give me many things, like brand new books (something so many of us take for granted). But they gave me a bigger gift - the gift of reading. Life - and possibilities - opened up for me through books. Books taught me that life is so much bigger than what I know and how to dream big and reach for my goals.
The fact that I can afford to buy a book today is a small reminder of the amazing journey that my life has been so far - a journey that would not exist if not fuelled by the imagination and passion while tempered by the eternal truths, wise lessons and lasting values I have encountered in my reading.
So the next time you hold a book in your hand, don't take the privilege for granted. Delve into it, engage with it, allow it to challenge and educate and inform and change you. Enter other people's worlds through their words, and watch your own world becoming bigger. Sit on the thoughts, ideas and ideals that someone has painstakingly stitched together for no other tangible purpose than to share them with you - mull over them, and let them become part of yourself.
If you want to live, truly live, read.
I wish that more Christians would read, and not just the Christian-life books and novels churned out by Christian publishing houses. I wish they would haunt used bookstores, delving into the thoughts, the poetry, the stories of yesterday and today. I wish they would fellowship with the world's great thinkers, with Christianity's most faithful workers and with the deepest imaginations and longings of our race. They might be surprised at how often they find God in the written word. C.S. Lewis said of books that "A young man who wishes to remain an atheist cannot be too careful of his reading."
I think he is right. In any case, by reading, I live my life more fully. On ink and paper I peruse the mind and soul of the human race, and even the mind and soul of God; I see their interactions clearly laid down; and I am challenged to interact with all my heart, soul and strength: to take my own life as a gift, to think about it, to enrich it with imagination, to live.
