Being home has been, to say the least, hardly as great as I expected it to be, and while part of it is due to the fact that I probably saw it through rose-tinted glasses back in the UK, another big part of it is that while many things have remained the same, it's not the same place anymore. And I guess, to a large extent, I am not the same person stepping foot in it anymore.
The past two weeks have been weeks of:
being sick thanks to the weather,
eczema flare-ups due to the same,
awkward reunions with friends whom I've realized have changed, just like I have, but in a different direction from me, and knowing that things will never be the same between us again,
packing myself full with activity to 1) distract myself from the fact that old groups of friends are not quite the same anymore, 2) to make the most of this month before I start full-time work, and to 3) make new friends - which is a good thing, but which leads to...
being extremely tireddd and not catching up on sleep properly,
narrowly avoiding altercations with the parents over how they seem not to have realised that I'm a year older since I last saw them,
missing people who have been an important part of my life for the past year, and
a really stupid minor accident which will cost major bucks...
...just to name a few things.
But in spite of all that, life is still good. If there's anything that my time in the UK has taught me, it's that life can throw all sorts of things your way but you can still choose to be happy.
This morning, even though I'd dearly have loved to sleep in, I got out of bed, made myself an iced coffee, played some India.Arie, and closed my eyes and imagined the beautiful city of Paris in my head. And my heart smiled. Because what I've learned from long cold nights in the UK is that I can make it through bad days by being where I want to be in my head. Is that the words I choose to listen to and the words I say to myself matter, and matter a lot. And that coffee and good music never fail to make a day better, even if they are only temporary soothers - because they help get me to a place of calm, from which I can get to a place of inner peace and acceptance.
I've learned that crying is always okay when you're alone, and not doing it to get pity, but simply because you have no other way to express your emotions. That just because your problems aren't 'as big as other people's' it doesn't mean they hurt any less.
I've learned that on days people make you sad, it's even more important to make sure you make someone smile, because you'll never know how many people made that someone sad too, and because making someone smile almost inevitably does the same for you too.
I've learned that although on bad days, my first instinct is to run to someone else to fix things, the best person who can love me and make me happy... is me. Because not only do I know what I need, I have the capacity to make the choices to give myself what I need. To choose my thoughts carefully, even though self-destructive ones are always the easiest to entertain.
Finally, I've learned (and am still learning) to take life as it ebbs and flows. That sad days just make the happy ones that much more precious. That bad days pass, but so do good ones. To enjoy the good ones but to remind myself that the bad ones just mean another good one is around the corner.
La vie est belle.
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