wanted: someone into courage, commitment, and cuddling

'what do you look for in an ideal partner?' a number of people have asked me after recently discovering that once again, i'm back to relationship status: 'single'. (of course, that question comes after a shocked, 'what?!? but i thought you guys were perfect for each other!'... but that's a story for another day.)

and because i'm a writer first, and then whatever of a talker i try (very hard) to be, i stutter and fumble for words, and i find that whatever answer i come up with when put on that spot comes out feeble, and almost defensive, like i have to justify the things i look for in a guy because they are so unlike everyone else's criteria for what would make an ideal partner.

the last time i wrote down a list of important things i wanted in a partner was more than a year ago. and more than a year ago, i hadn't gone through what was probably the longest stable / serious relationship i've been in, i hadn't worked full-time for a year and realised how much space in your life carving out a career path takes. and most likely, that list has changed somewhat now that i'm older, had more life experiences, and hopefully, grown a little wiser.

so here's my attempt to put into words the things i value the most. (sometimes it's not easy to find out if a person has these traits all at once - sometimes you just take the risk to continue getting to know him on a deeper level. and in the words of a friend, "sometimes everything fits except for that one thing that's missing... and it turns out that's the most important thing.")

i know for an asian girl, this list is incredibly untypical - and i've been made to feel different for most of my life  - which is why it is ever-important that the one i find won't make me feel that way - a strange, awkward, different - but a special different.

1. someone who cares about things. who doesn't have to think too hard if i ask him what makes him feel fulfilled, or what makes him sad, or what makes him angry, or what makes a perfect 24 hours for him. who can answer those questions without hesitation because he has thought about the question - and he lives the questions, every single day. 
2. someone who has achieved something for himself. someone who understand what it means to work really hard and even fight - blood, sweat, and tears - for something he wants. someone who never takes his blessings and opportunities for granted because he knows what it's like to have little. someone who will understand instinctively my thriftiness and drivenness because he's gone through similar situations which has made him exactly the way he is. 
3. someone who is generous with himself but selective with his cash. seeing a guy make time for the friends and family in his life - not out of obligation - but out of a generosity of spirit - that's hot. because i know he will make time for me. and i think the way a person spends money says a lot about their character - so i'd look for a guy who is selective about his spending. not necessarily someone who's stingy and counts every dollar and cent - but someone who would give up other things to invest even more into the things he cares about. 
4. someone who, while being generous with others, also knows how to carve out time for himself. who will not let anyone - even me - steal him away from what keeps him grounded. who will not let distractions sway his decision-making and what he believes to be right and true. someone who will not conform to the expectations of others, not matter how much pressure and obligation is put on him. someone who doesn't allow people to change him - and won't try to change me. 
5. someone who is happy with himself. who is not overly confident or cocky, but satisfied with who he is and where he is. someone who strives because he knows he's not there yet - but at the same time, understands he is a work in progress and takes it one step at a time. 
6. someone who is all in. someone who, once he chooses a certain course of action - once he chooses me - will go all in, no second-guessing, with everything he has, to make it work. who has commitment and guts to stick through the rough times trusting that he's weighed the risks and made his calculations well, and after the tough times pass, the rewards will come. who will never give up until it is absolutely clear that this is not working. and that said...
7. someone who is not afraid to quit. someone who is not afraid to walk away, to rethink their ideals, to rechart their route, to redraw their plans - when the signs point to something better that lies ahead. someone who understands that there are seasons for everything and that sometimes giving something up doesn't mean forever - it just means for now, and the important thing is to live the now. 
8. someone who lives with vision. who learns from the lessons of the past but is always looking forward with the unwavering belief that there are better things that lie ahead than any we leave behind. someone whose goal is higher than his grasp, so there's always something more to reach for. 
9. someone who believes in calling. who genuinely believes that if he didn't do what he was meant to do - whether it's in a 'boring' job or taking crazy risks - the world would be at a loss. not in an egoistic way - but in an accepting way. that we are all given different skills and talents - so why waste mine trying to be someone else?
10. someone i share interests, hobbies, and passions with. whether it's travel, food, fitness, reading, intellectual conversations, pets, the outdoors. someone who shares my taste in music and movies, and that i can spend an entire day with and not get bored of somewhere in between. 
11. someone who doesn't take or give bullshit. from anyone or from me. who will call my bluff and tell me straight to my face if i try to emotionally manipulate him. who can take my bluntness and honesty. who doesn't ever try to sweet talk me because he knows it will never work in a million years. 
12. someone i can learn from and who is willing to learn from me. who's a little bit ahead of me in some ways (slightly smarter and slightly fitter are non-negotiables), so i can learn from him. yet someone who's humble enough to learn from me in other ways.  
13. someone who possesses the strength and courage to be all the above - but at the same time, it is a strength that comes from gentleness - from all that is good and beautiful. a strength that comes from believing in hope and goodness and mercy and grace, from a realisation that in spite of whatever life throws his way, he is abundantly blessed. someone who lives out of that truth and knows that his life is directed by a higher source. 
14. someone i can be sad with. someone whom, after having an absolutely shit day (yes, even strong people have shit days), i can come back to and dissolve into tears, knowing i'll be held, without a word. someone who doesn't try to fix me or cheer me up, who doesn't expect happy and perky all the damn time. someone who equally, is vulnerable enough to let me in when he's not doing so well. 
15. someone who gets along with my parents and siblings and whose parents and siblings i can get along with. likewise with groups of friends, to steal a line from spice girls. 
16. someone taller than me (not a very demanding ask, given my height) and someone preferably asian. 
17. someone who can speak proper english sans malaysian accent if the situation calls for it - but who is perfectly at home conversing in a mamak as well. 
18. someone who's a closet romantic like me. who's not into PDA, cute-sy names, or couple tees, but into long, slow kissing, back rubs, cuddling, walks on the beach, watching sunrises together, and handwritten love letters. 
19. someone who likes what i write - and understands that i write because i need to - just like some people need to climb, need to sing, need to start their own business, need to go into a certain profession. who doesn't ask inane questions like how do i find so much time to write. 
20. finally, i want an explorer, wanderer, dreamer. someone to go on all sorts of adventures with together, to take crazy risks and leaps of faith with, and to go all-out crazy about living like we have the world at our feet. 

i'm not asking for the moon... am i?