who owns my mornings?

"Who owns our mornings? 

When we wake up.. how much time do we allow ourselves before letting our minds wander like stray ponies? 

Do we rush off into our day..? or do we linger a moment in place that belongs entirely to our soul - an embrace with our breath, with our being here, with our own skin, our own eyes, our own hands and voice. 

Often times, I am too distracted to give myself this gift.. to spend a few moments remembering my condition; my impermanence, my dying, my undeserved still here." // andrew tipton, for the love of motion

i once read a quote somewhere: "runners wake up before the sun rises."

part of the beauty of running, for me, is the waking up before the sun rises. is seeing the world from a different perspective, watching sunlight creep through treetops and in between buildings and illuminate the road you're on. is rounding a bend and coming across a sunrise in full blaze framed by the twin towers, or watching an eagle spread its magnificent wings above you. is passing joggers on their morning routes and that moment of recognising - ah, here's another fellow traveler - when your eyes meet, and you smile or nod - or maybe if you're the type, run over to give a high five. ;) the beauty of waking up early is hearing the things you never would hear, stuck in a car in a traffic jam - birds chirping, leaves rustling... even hearing yourself breathe brings you back to how frail we all are and to the startling impermanence of life. you don't need to travel to discover the sudden moments that take your breath away... they come, often, when you're not looking for them. i've encountered moments of astounding clarity, double rainbows, and powerful life lessons quite unexpectedly, on the road.

it is so easy to get caught up in the rush and bustle of the daily 9 - 6 grind that we forget there is stillness and quiet and little miracles waiting to unfold in every single day. it is so easy to get so caught up in productivity and achievement that we forget how fragile we are, how fleeting this life is. to me, owning my mornings - whether it's waking up before the sun rises to run, or waking up before the morning traffic builds up to spend some quiet time alone in the office - is the lifeblood of living intentionally. owning my mornings and determining the pace at which i will begin - and continue - my day is a rebellion against the noise and distraction that tells me i should do more, push harder, or slow down, take it easy... anything that would threaten to pull me away from the pace i know is right for me.

i picked up a book recently that talked about the importance of flow. too few challenges and we end up bored, apathetic, and unstimulated. too many challenges, and we drive ourselves towards burnout and running on empty. flow is the delicate balance between both extremes. finding that balance involves both discipline and acceptance. discipline to push through challenges - when you know you can. acceptance of your limits - when you know you've reached them. it's trusting the stiller, quieter, deeper, inner voice instead of what's going on all around you. flow is when you wake up in the morning - ready for the day ahead; and when you close your eyes at night - having made peace with everything that has taken place in that day, and in anticipation for the next day.

***

this morning's listening:



“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” -Matthew 11:28-30

accidentally in love

the other day, someone referred to me as "crystal the runner". when i heard that, i wanted to burst into laughter, because one year ago, the thought would have seemed so ridiculous, so improbable.

one year ago, i hated running and could barely run for more than ten minutes without stopping. since then, i've grown from running only to exercise and keep fit - to absolutely enjoying it, and wanting to continually increase my distance and speed.

one year ago, i only joined standard chartered's 10k race only because a friend had to pull out and was looking to sell her bib, so i thought i'd give it a shot (fully expecting to have to walk half the way!). but not only did i run the 10k all the way to the end, surprising myself - i have not stopped running since, surprising myself even more! i've done a couple 10ks and three 21ks - but more recently, in the past month, i've discovered run for the nation and have done a series of 5k prayer runs with them.

the story of how i 'accidentally' fell in love with running is a very close one to my heart - because it is intertwined with the story of how i fell in love with two things all over again in the past year - my country, and my God.

one year ago, i felt completely adrift. i had just returned from the uk and coming back to malaysia meant coming back to a whole new life, a whole new set of friends - and a job that i didn't choose for myself, but one that i was bonded to because of my scholarship. i felt like a random piece of driftwood bobbing about on waves in the middle of nowhere, with nothing to anchor me down. at the time, practically my whole circle of close friends were overseas while i was settling back here. i felt like malaysia was not the place i was meant to be, that something was wrong, because i felt so out of place.

one year ago, i stopped going to church for a few months because i felt like such a hypocrite. me, the christian church girl, who had grown up serving in church, for whom church had always been a second home, found myself questioning everything i believed and wanting to run away from it all when i couldn't find the answers i was looking for.

and one year (and a bit) later, everything has changed. i mean, everything. has. changed.

someone said to me the other day (after cracking joke after joke about frogs), "i can't help it! when i look at you, i see... frog!" (i work in an amazing company called FrogAsia, for the record.) i was like... "gee, thanks." but inwardly, i knew that flippant statement was already a testimony of how i'd gone from resenting my job to being absolutely passionate about what i do. i've been catching up with a number of random people who ask me what i've been up to lately because "it seems you're really enjoying your life / your job!". an old college mate that i haven't talked to for years said to me the other day, "you seem to be really close to God".

hearing these things blew me away. my first reaction is always a slightly amused, incredulous one. "do you have any idea where i was at last year?!?!"

and as i've been sharing with these people how i've changed, and grown, in the past year, i realise it's a story i'm so, so grateful for. i'd gone from feeling lost... to being found. from being unsure of who i was... to finding my identity. from feeling like i was in the wrong place... to feeling like this is exactly where i'm meant to be.

something changed along the way, between july 2011 and today. and you know what - it wasn't some dramatic change. i look back, and all i see is night after lonely night of questioning... talking at the ceiling. lunch break after lunch break sitting alone in my cubicle, reading blogs and stories of people who seemed to have discovered what it meant to live a good life, and wondering if some day i could discover the same. moment after moment of feeling like running away but willing myself to stay. sarcastic comment after sarcastic comment that i chose not to say. complaint after complaint that i chose not to focus on. step after step that i kept taking even though i was bored out of my mind.

it wasn't in the extraordinary - but somewhere in the routine, mundane, ordinary grind of life that i discovered what it meant to really live. it's not about finding that one thing or that one job or that one person or that one place to give you passion and meaning. life doesn't work that way! it's not about external circumstances at all.

i'd read so many quotes about how "life is what you make of it" and self-help books about accepting personal responsibility and all that jazz - but i think it's one thing to know these things, and quite another thing to live these things. i think in the past year, i really lived a lot of the things i knew. i went from knowing them up there in my head, to understanding them in my heart.

as i let go of my selfish plans, dreams, ambitions, goal, wants - as i kept trying to stop pursuing temporary distractions and instant gratification in light of a longer-term vision - something happened. my cluttered, chaotic life full of questions and worries and fears and doubts slowly turned into a spacious one as i let go of unhealthy habits, attitudes, and perspectives. and that made room for God to put new ones in.

jonathan fields, one of my favorite bloggers / authors, who pioneered the good life project, has a great way of explaining the journey i've gone through:

when you're mission-centric (focused on the why) and medium-agnostic (indifferent about the how, and the what) - things start happening. 'coincidences' occur. sparks ignite. the right people cross your paths. the right doors open.

and as you're reading this, you're doing one of two things: either going "i know exactly what you mean!" or "what the heck is she talking about - what nonsense!". if you're the second, can i just say - just try it. stop saying you can't do this or that. just try not putting limitations on yourself for once. try doing that thing you swore you'd 'never' do. try it and see what happens.

because i promise you, i never got to this place wanting to be in the field of education. i never wanted to work a corporate 9-6 job. i never planned to run 21k and keep planning to run further distances. i never planned to be this person who can't help but talk about God all the time (sometimes i feel like omg i've become one of those super churchy, holy people - what is wrong with me?!?).

and i'll tell you what changed. letting go of my ideas, my plans, my dreams, my goals, my desires (the how and the what) - and asking God, "God why did you place me here? i don't care what you want me to do anymore - but just show me why i'm here"... made room for Him to place His ideas, His plans, His dreams, His goals, and His desires into my heart. and they have been exceedingly, abundantly, above all that i could have wanted or dreamed up on my own.

today, i work with great people, i lead a great media & communications team (that continues to grow as we hire new people), i am actually excited about reading my Bible every day and going to church every week (although i still find it incredibly weird saying that out loud or in writing), and i am aiming to run 30km this weekend (the furthest i will have run yet). and i have having an incredibly fun time. it's really not about the how - it's about the why.

why? to be surrounded by new friends who challenge me and speak the tough truth, in love, into my life. why? to come a place where i can share my story to mentor and inspire others. why? to learn discipline and patience and endurance, which i am terrible at. why? to learn to stop limiting myself, because God doesn't limit me. why? to see that things are changing in our country, and i get to be a part of that change. why? because every single person matters. why? because the journey is as important as the destination. why? why? why?

i pray you'll find the courage and strength to ask yourself the tough questions too. and the answers won't come immediately. sometimes it'll take months. sometimes years. we all have our own journeys to make, and they're never easy ones. but from my experience, for what it's worth, the journey is always, always worth it. :)

winds of change

"walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet

towards home, a land that i've never seen

i am changing; less and less asleep

made of different stuff than when i began"

// brooke fraser, shadowfeet

"one does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore." // christopher columbus

“for what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. there’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. you can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. we can make the best or the worst of it. i hope you make the best of it. and i hope you see things that startle you. i hope you feel things you never felt before. i hope you meet people with a different point of view. i hope you live a life you’re proud of. if you find that you’re not, i hope you have the courage to start all over again.” 

// the curious case of benjamin button 

"when we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. the challenge will not wait. life does not look back." // paulo coelho

"i have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer i who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which i now live in the flesh i live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." // galatians 2:20

these days, i often find myself wishing i could block out a whole day to just sit down, reflect, ponder, and journal about the experiences i've been going through and the lessons i've been learning. but at the same time, i catch myself and realise that this season of intense activity, steep learning curves, and a flurry of new experiences is one that will run its course. and a season for slowing down and reflecting will come, in time.

these days, i'm challenging myself to stop saying that i'm busy all the time - but instead challenging myself to say that i'm going through a steep learning curve (emphasis on the learning bit, not the steep bit!). because i know busyness is not about the amount of things i have on my plate but about my attitude and perspective to it.

honestly, sometimes when i step back and look at all that i'm juggling on a daily basis, from work to serving to building community and friendships - and wanting to pursue excellence in all that i do - it's a little daunting. i sometimes wonder if i am biting off more than i can chew when people tell me i'm doing too much, that i need to be careful not to burn out or wear myself out. i question if i've gotten my priorities right when i work late nights, when i don't see my family for days on end even though we live in the same house, when i'm attempting to run my first 30km race and move house in the same week.

but in the rare moments of quiet, in being stuck in morning traffic or creeping into a dark house late at night - i know in my heart of hearts that where i am in this season is exactly where i'm meant to be. in spite of everything, i wake up every morning looking forward to the day ahead and every time my head touches the pillow, i am thankful for the day that has gone past. i used to struggle with not being able to fall asleep for years, but these days, wherever i am, the moment i close my eyes i drift into a restful sleep.

i know that i did not get to this place easily. i gave up a lot to get here. certain interests, friends, relationships, ways of spending my time, dreams, goals, plans had to go - not because they suddenly stopped being important to me - but because other things became more important. i know that i got here with a lot of wrestling, a lot of questioning, a lot of soul-searching.

in all of this, i thank God for the routine bits of life, like repetitive tasks and daily commutes to and fro work - we often see them as draining and soul-sucking, but i have come to see them as an opportunity for lots of self-reflection. and i thank God for the challenging bits of life, like massive projects running concurrently at work, and having to juggle many different hats, and having to go from reporting to someone to learning how to lead a team, and pulling late-nighter after late-nighter - not to look like the employee of the year or in efforts to climb the ladder - but because you're in this with your team, and because you believe in the vision you are all working towards. because i've come to see these challenges as opportunities to learn discipline, patience, and endurance.

i know that this is where i'm meant to be because i look at the person i was one year ago and i know that i'm not the same person, because of everything i've gone through. so much has changed. and for the better. i know without a doubt that while i'm still far from perfect, i love better, i am more patient, more accepting, more at peace with myself and with the circumstances around me, less fearful, less resentful, less selfish.

above all, i am more thankful. thankful for seasons in life and how they teach me to accept and surrender to the ebb and flow of life. i'm thankful for this season, because it has taught me like never before that i have a God that is good - and even though sometimes it seems like the struggles we go through are enormous, He never gives us more than we can take. if He throws us huge challenges, it's only because He sees us through His eyes - as all that we can be, not just who we are right now.

monday inspiration: live generously and praise loudly

was doing some spring cleaning early this morning and i came across this gem of a letter i wrote to myself about 3 - 4 years back (i think?), during a church service where everyone was given pieces of paper to write letters to their future selves. really wished i'd written down the date! so i'd be able to see how much i've grown since then. 

i don't remember the speaker at all - can't even remember what he looked like - but what he did was he got everyone's addresses, and then a couple months later, posted our letters back to all of us with a little note of encouragement at the bottom. 

since then, i've never re-read that letter, but i'm so glad i discovered it again in this season because it's such a timely reminder to me of what i've always valued and held dear. and even though i may have detoured and been distracted along the way - the things i'm trying to pursue now are the things i have always been pursuing, and i shouldn't ever stop pursuing them. 

of pacing, and encouragement

what an amazing week has flown by! it's been an intense, crazy week that's involved surviving every night on less than 4 hours of sleep (not that i'm advocating it!), running 24km in one day, a lot of soul-searching, a lot of praying, a lot of worship practice / jamming sessions, a lot of speaking into people's lives and challenging them to grow, and a lot of allowing people to speak into my life and challenge me to grow.

just thought i'd share two key takeaways (have developed this very good habit of jotting down key takeaways, which has been inculcated in us by my ever-amazing boss, lou) that i've learnt from this crazy, hectic, amazing week, for anyone who's going through similar learning curves:

1. pace
there is a time for everything. there is a time to work hard, and a time to rest. a time for going all out, and a time for holding back. a time for speaking up, and a time to stay silent. i've been learning more and more to let go and accept it when things don't go as planned or when things don't work out the way i want them to. i'm learning that sometimes good things fall apart - so that better things can fall together.

i'm learning the importance of recognising seasons - of being centered and rooted enough to know what season i am in, and ignore the voices that tell me - i should slow down, or i should do more. i've run 3 runs in the past week (the pj half marathon - 21km, run for the nation - 15km, and nike training run - 9km), and had an amazing time running all of them, compared to all the other runs i've ever done before. i told myself that this time, i wouldn't run to overtake others - that i'd run at my own pace - at a pace i know i can run consistently. and i told myself i wanted to run not to merely cross the finish line, but i wanted to run so that i'd have enough energy to sprint past it. i wanted my finish to be stronger than my start - even if it meant letting others overtake me at first.

and i'm seeing how important that attitude is towards life as well - we need to know exactly where we are, and focus on getting our pace right - regardless of how everyone else around us is doing. we're meant to run our own race, to fight our own battles. the more we understand and accept the season that we are in, the more we are able to sense intuitively when we need to slow down to breathe, or speed up to push ourselves - the more we're able to just enjoy the journey and make it strong to the end.

2. encouragement
this week i've had multiple people tell me that i inspire them. i've run and prayed with people who said - thank you for the motivation - we couldn't have done it without you. that blew me away, because i didn't do anything this week besides try to run my own race and stick to my own path. yeah, i offered small words of encouragement - 'you can do it!', 'good job!', and 'keep going!' - but anyone else could have said those things as well.

and i'm learning that sometimes the most encouraging thing you can do for someone else is just showing up. is just living your own life to the fullest and hoping that somewhere along the way, someone will catch it too. sometimes you don't need to be the most eloquent or the most accomplished. sometimes all it takes is a simple smile. sometimes all it takes is being present with someone else, in whatever they're going through, to give them that tiny boost - which makes all the difference. and i'm learning that it's a continuous cycle - when it hits me that i've made someone smile, or encouraged someone, it makes me smile, and it encourages me as much, if not more.

***

this entire week has felt like being away at camp, or traveling - just a non-stop flurry of activity, excitement, and being reinvigorated and re-inspired all over again by seeing things with new eyes. and it hit me that wow, i don't have to go away to experience this! i can be refreshed and re-energised just in doing the things i do day in and day out.  and while i know that i need to slow down a little to just absorb and reflect on all of this - i'm ever so thankful for a great week that's gone by.

i was chatting last night with my former youth pastor and an amazing friend, rose, and she was sharing a heart-breaking experience she had last year which completely changed her life this year and led to her leaving the youth ministry to serve the underprivileged refugee kids in sentul with the harvest center / dignity for children foundation. she said, ever since then, i've told God - i don't want to ever recover from this feeling.

and that's exactly how i feel after this week - i don't ever want to recover from whatever it is i've caught that's made me realise that i want to live for so much more than myself. that i am where i am, surrounded by the people i am, with the gifts and passions i have - is not for myself, or my glory, or my satisfaction - but for a bigger reason. to make a difference in the lives of others.

i used to think i needed to work in an NGO or do missions in a third-world country to make a difference but this week has taught me that making a difference can happen absolutely anywhere. it starts with accepting and understanding the season you are in - and realising that you are where you are for a reason. and it starts with showing up.

***

You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. -Matthew 5:14-16

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. -Romans 8:28

image:  Some rights reserved by George Larcher

exceedingly, abundantly

(i've been telling myself i would write this post for a few weeks now - being a writer, i always think i need to wait for the right words or the inspiration to flow before i can start writing. i'm learning these days that writing that matters doesn't come out of talent or eloquence - it comes out of honesty, authenticity, and just plain living. so here goes!)

over the last few months, i've lost count of how many times people have said to me "you really sound like you're enjoying your job!" or "it's so refreshing to see someone actually liking what they do at work", or something along those lines. and every time i hear that, i laugh, because where i am today is so, so far from where i was one year ago.

one year ago, my heart was not fully settled back in malaysia. one year ago, i was in a job that my heart was not in. there was a period where, for a week, i cried every single morning before going to work because i felt so lost and directionless. all my big dreams, plans, and accomplishments up till that point... and where was i? i had no clue why i was there - and no clue what the future held for me.

once upon a time, i thought that for a person like me, with my personality and background and education, i needed to do things like be an entrepreneur or be in the media or freelance or work in a charity organisation. i thought that at work, i had to stifle certain aspects of my personality to perform. with different groups of friends, i thought i had to be a different person to fit in. and then there was finding the one. i thought i had to find someone who checked all the right boxes, progress in a relationship according to all the right steps, and have the blessing of all my friends and family.

somewhere along the way, it hit me that the way people perceived me was the way i wanted them to perceive me - not who i was. and over tearful conversations with strong, wise female mentors, it hit me that i didn't know who i was. i knew who i wanted to be, for sure - the strong, capable, independent, creative, unique, artistic one - but i thought there was only one way to be all that, and that i was doing it all wrong. i was not living up to my own standards.

it took some time, but i eventually realised that if i kept heading the way i was headed, i would exhaust myself. "look at you running around, trying to do so much," good friends told me. "there's nothing wrong with what you're doing - but it's not about doing so much - it's about why you're doing so much. who are you trying to be? what are you running from?" i realised that the person i was trying to turn myself into was not who i wanted to be - i was tired of striving. i wanted to discover what it meant to be me - to be who God made me to be - not dictated by what people thought of me, or where i worked, or my past, or my background, or my talents, but just simply who i am, right now, in this season.

i was tired of censoring myself and pretending to be "nice" all the time. to say all the right things. to be politically correct. of pretending to like certain things and to hide certain things i really liked. i thought somehow the things i cared about conflicted with each other - that i couldn't be successful, driven and ambitious while being creative, artistic, and down-to-earth. that i couldn't focus on doing the things i loved while prioritising the things that needed to get done. that i couldn't lead others while being honest about my own flaws and my struggles and questions.

and then it hit me - why the heck not? what was really so bad about being myself? it's scary, sure - to go through that process of discovering who you really are - but what else is there to do? keep trying to live up to impossible standards that were never mine to live up to?

i decided i wanted to stop trying so damn hard all the time. to please people, to please myself, to please God. i wanted to just be. even if it meant losing certain things that my identity revolved around. even if it meant looking slightly odd or crazy at times. i wanted to stop trying to control so much of my life, and just let go and say, "God, whatever you have for me, it doesn't matter anymore. i just want to be who you want me to be." yes, i lost certain things in the process. i had to say no to a lot of things that used to be important to me.

and i trusted. i trusted that in saying no to all that, i was saying yes to grace, and yes to trusting. trusting that here is exactly where i am supposed to be. me is exactly who i am supposed to be. this is exactly what i am supposed to be doing. i don't have to try so hard all the time. i gave myself permission to stop trying, and just be.

and then life happened. opportunity after opportunity came to serve, to contribute at work, to use my talents and gifts not in the way i expected they'd be used, but in a way that fired me up and surprised me.

ever have those moments where you go, "whoa, i can do this?!? whoa, i'm actually pretty good at this!" that was exactly how it felt. some people call it 'calling', some people call it being in 'flow', some people call it the 'sweet spot' - whatever you call it - it's that place where you know, not just in your head or with your emotions, but with some kinda of deeper, gut instinct, that this. is. it. this is where i'm meant to be. and nothing else can convince you otherwise.

you wake up every morning, excited to get started, because everything you do has meaning. and things just keep happening - puzzle pieces you could never figure out start just clicking into place, one after the other. all those months of questioning and wondering finally make sense and you're like, "ohhhh... so that's why i had to go through that, so i can do this." it's an incredible feeling!

Sarah: i'm so glad to hear you talk about your work like that really

10:35 it gives me hope that there IS such a thing as really loving your job

 me: yeah and it's not just for entrepreneurs and travel writers!!!

  which is what i always thought i had to be

10:36 just like i thought i had to follow a certain type of path

  but thankfully God knows us better than we know ourselves

  and he gives us better and more

this morning i had a chat with a friend / mentor who reminded me that no matter how far i've strayed, or how badly i've messed up, i always keep coming back to this place of grace. of learning and understanding that in spite of myself, there has always been and will always be a beautiful plan for my life, even if i don't see the whole picture yet. and it's teaching me to trust harder and risk more. because my faith is in Someone who is able to do "exceedingly, abundantly", far more than i could ever imagine or guess or request in my wildest dreams (eph 3:20).