accidentally in love

the other day, someone referred to me as "crystal the runner". when i heard that, i wanted to burst into laughter, because one year ago, the thought would have seemed so ridiculous, so improbable.

one year ago, i hated running and could barely run for more than ten minutes without stopping. since then, i've grown from running only to exercise and keep fit - to absolutely enjoying it, and wanting to continually increase my distance and speed.

one year ago, i only joined standard chartered's 10k race only because a friend had to pull out and was looking to sell her bib, so i thought i'd give it a shot (fully expecting to have to walk half the way!). but not only did i run the 10k all the way to the end, surprising myself - i have not stopped running since, surprising myself even more! i've done a couple 10ks and three 21ks - but more recently, in the past month, i've discovered run for the nation and have done a series of 5k prayer runs with them.

the story of how i 'accidentally' fell in love with running is a very close one to my heart - because it is intertwined with the story of how i fell in love with two things all over again in the past year - my country, and my God.

one year ago, i felt completely adrift. i had just returned from the uk and coming back to malaysia meant coming back to a whole new life, a whole new set of friends - and a job that i didn't choose for myself, but one that i was bonded to because of my scholarship. i felt like a random piece of driftwood bobbing about on waves in the middle of nowhere, with nothing to anchor me down. at the time, practically my whole circle of close friends were overseas while i was settling back here. i felt like malaysia was not the place i was meant to be, that something was wrong, because i felt so out of place.

one year ago, i stopped going to church for a few months because i felt like such a hypocrite. me, the christian church girl, who had grown up serving in church, for whom church had always been a second home, found myself questioning everything i believed and wanting to run away from it all when i couldn't find the answers i was looking for.

and one year (and a bit) later, everything has changed. i mean, everything. has. changed.

someone said to me the other day (after cracking joke after joke about frogs), "i can't help it! when i look at you, i see... frog!" (i work in an amazing company called FrogAsia, for the record.) i was like... "gee, thanks." but inwardly, i knew that flippant statement was already a testimony of how i'd gone from resenting my job to being absolutely passionate about what i do. i've been catching up with a number of random people who ask me what i've been up to lately because "it seems you're really enjoying your life / your job!". an old college mate that i haven't talked to for years said to me the other day, "you seem to be really close to God".

hearing these things blew me away. my first reaction is always a slightly amused, incredulous one. "do you have any idea where i was at last year?!?!"

and as i've been sharing with these people how i've changed, and grown, in the past year, i realise it's a story i'm so, so grateful for. i'd gone from feeling lost... to being found. from being unsure of who i was... to finding my identity. from feeling like i was in the wrong place... to feeling like this is exactly where i'm meant to be.

something changed along the way, between july 2011 and today. and you know what - it wasn't some dramatic change. i look back, and all i see is night after lonely night of questioning... talking at the ceiling. lunch break after lunch break sitting alone in my cubicle, reading blogs and stories of people who seemed to have discovered what it meant to live a good life, and wondering if some day i could discover the same. moment after moment of feeling like running away but willing myself to stay. sarcastic comment after sarcastic comment that i chose not to say. complaint after complaint that i chose not to focus on. step after step that i kept taking even though i was bored out of my mind.

it wasn't in the extraordinary - but somewhere in the routine, mundane, ordinary grind of life that i discovered what it meant to really live. it's not about finding that one thing or that one job or that one person or that one place to give you passion and meaning. life doesn't work that way! it's not about external circumstances at all.

i'd read so many quotes about how "life is what you make of it" and self-help books about accepting personal responsibility and all that jazz - but i think it's one thing to know these things, and quite another thing to live these things. i think in the past year, i really lived a lot of the things i knew. i went from knowing them up there in my head, to understanding them in my heart.

as i let go of my selfish plans, dreams, ambitions, goal, wants - as i kept trying to stop pursuing temporary distractions and instant gratification in light of a longer-term vision - something happened. my cluttered, chaotic life full of questions and worries and fears and doubts slowly turned into a spacious one as i let go of unhealthy habits, attitudes, and perspectives. and that made room for God to put new ones in.

jonathan fields, one of my favorite bloggers / authors, who pioneered the good life project, has a great way of explaining the journey i've gone through:

when you're mission-centric (focused on the why) and medium-agnostic (indifferent about the how, and the what) - things start happening. 'coincidences' occur. sparks ignite. the right people cross your paths. the right doors open.

and as you're reading this, you're doing one of two things: either going "i know exactly what you mean!" or "what the heck is she talking about - what nonsense!". if you're the second, can i just say - just try it. stop saying you can't do this or that. just try not putting limitations on yourself for once. try doing that thing you swore you'd 'never' do. try it and see what happens.

because i promise you, i never got to this place wanting to be in the field of education. i never wanted to work a corporate 9-6 job. i never planned to run 21k and keep planning to run further distances. i never planned to be this person who can't help but talk about God all the time (sometimes i feel like omg i've become one of those super churchy, holy people - what is wrong with me?!?).

and i'll tell you what changed. letting go of my ideas, my plans, my dreams, my goals, my desires (the how and the what) - and asking God, "God why did you place me here? i don't care what you want me to do anymore - but just show me why i'm here"... made room for Him to place His ideas, His plans, His dreams, His goals, and His desires into my heart. and they have been exceedingly, abundantly, above all that i could have wanted or dreamed up on my own.

today, i work with great people, i lead a great media & communications team (that continues to grow as we hire new people), i am actually excited about reading my Bible every day and going to church every week (although i still find it incredibly weird saying that out loud or in writing), and i am aiming to run 30km this weekend (the furthest i will have run yet). and i have having an incredibly fun time. it's really not about the how - it's about the why.

why? to be surrounded by new friends who challenge me and speak the tough truth, in love, into my life. why? to come a place where i can share my story to mentor and inspire others. why? to learn discipline and patience and endurance, which i am terrible at. why? to learn to stop limiting myself, because God doesn't limit me. why? to see that things are changing in our country, and i get to be a part of that change. why? because every single person matters. why? because the journey is as important as the destination. why? why? why?

i pray you'll find the courage and strength to ask yourself the tough questions too. and the answers won't come immediately. sometimes it'll take months. sometimes years. we all have our own journeys to make, and they're never easy ones. but from my experience, for what it's worth, the journey is always, always worth it. :)

irresistible

yesterday, after a morning run in sentul park, just around the corner from where i work, i stopped by 7-11 to buy some groceries. as i walked into the store, freshly showered, i accidentally brushed past a woman, who quickly spun around. i expected her to glare at me, but instead she smiled, and hesitated, like she wanted to say something, but she didn't.

i smiled back and walked into the store. when i came back out, she was still there, waiting by the door, bursting to ask me something. she needs directions to somewhere, i thought.

but the question that came out (in cantonese - don't ask me how i understood it but somehow i did!) was, "what perfume do you use?"

caught off guard, i was like, "uh, whaat?"

"what brand of perfume do you use? you smell very nice."

"uh, i'm not using any perfume. i just took a shower."

"ohhhh."

"maybe it's my shampoo."

"what brand of shampoo do you use? it smells very nice!"

"uhhh... pantene?"

"oh, okay, thank you!"

as she walked away, i chuckled to myself. what a random encounter! i got into my car and drove on to work... and as i drove it hit me: what if not just my physical body - but my whole life - could smell that sweet, that fragrant that people can't help but ask what i'm using.

"what brand of values do you subscribe to?"

"what principles?"

"what disciplines and habits do you put yourself through that makes your life give off such an irresistible fragrance?"

those are the questions i want to be asked. i want my words, actions, choices to be so different, so uncommon, so refreshing, that people get curious. i want my life and every single thing i do to be a breath of fresh air that points back to God and how amazing he is.

"Because of Christ, we give off a sweet scent rising to God, which is recognized by those on the way of salvation—an aroma redolent with life." -2 Cor 2:15

You are not an island

I am (reluctantly) getting to the end of Chuck Season 5, and after watching Ep. 8 (Chuck vs. The Baby), I am reminded about what draws me to the series. The series starts out with Sarah being this tough-as-nails, hardcore, self-made, independent woman and as we get to know her better, we discover pieces of her past that's made her who she is today - someone who doesn't depend on anyone and trusts only her instinct.

Except that meeting Chuck would change her life forever. The cold-blooded spy / assassin falls in love with a clueless yet endearingly earnest geek and somehow he manages to get past all her layers of defense and get close enough to her that she cannot imagine life without him. She lets her guard down, allows herself to be vulnerable, and repeatedly risks her life for Chuck. 

Yet even after all they've been through together, when it comes to a past that comes back to haunt her, Sarah is still unable to be completely 100% honest with Chuck. She still feels the need to 'fix' things on her own - which her enemy uses against her. There's a scene in that episode where he tells her that she's never learned - even though she has a team, she still chooses to fight her battles alone and isolate herself from anyone who could back her up.

End of the day, without spoiling the plot, Chuck refuses to let her get away with hiding things from him and pursues her, and together with the team they save her. She realises she does need others to depend on and she actually wants to be able to trust and depend on others, especially Chuck.

It's been a really timely watch as this week I've been feeling a little overwhelmed with just... living. And feeling like I can't tell others because it'll just be dumping a huge load of emotions on them and burdening them with my little problems and worries. And I struggle to let myself lean on others when I'm feeling this way and instead often just try to figure things out alone.

I was reminded by this episode and the most heartfelt poem from the sweetest boyfriend ever that I do have people to lean on. And people in the office have been reaching out to me and generously offering advice, time, and help in finding my way around as I embark on a new project at work - without me even deliberately seeking it out.

Lately I've been repeatedly told, "Don't try to do everything on your own. If you need help ask, ask ask."

And I've been feeling incredibly blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing, passionate, big-hearted, generous people. Just half a year ago, I was desperately needing to be reminded that there were good people in the world... things have changed since.

I've been reminded that there are good people willing to lend a helping hand or listening ear when life gets overwhelming. Sometimes we just need to brush aside our discomfort or shyness and just ask.

We're not meant to do life alone. We go so much further, and see things so much clearer, when we learn to depend on others and tap into their strengths and insights while sharing our own.

"We are like dwarfs sitting on the shoulders of giants. We see more, and things that are more distant, than they did, not because our sight is superior or because we are taller than they, but because they raise us up, and by their great stature add to ours." -St. John of Salisbury

Changed

A week ago before I left for Kota Kinabalu to climb one of Southeast Asia's highest peaks and to enjoy some time out, my youngest brother asked me, "When are you coming back?"

To which I replied, "I'm not coming back."

To which he gave me a blank, "whatever" sort of stare. "Serious la..."

I replied, "Seriously, the person that will be climbing down the mountain won't be the same person that climbed up."

It's true. 

I've known for some time now that travelling changes you like little else can. Yet somehow, it still catches me by surprise every time I travel and change, grow, and stretch myself a little bit more. 

Someone once wrote that "no journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within." 

The past five days in KK have done just that. 

I climbed to the peak of Mount Kinabalu, the burden of my backpack weighing down on me, carrying also the burden of past mistakes, people who have hurt me, and things I needed to let go of. 

I trudged through pelting rain and cold winds, knowing that as cold and miserable as the rain was it would wash away the dust and dirt of everyday life and leave things fresh and new again. 

I watched the landscape and weather change as we trekked through dense tropical jungle, through rocky, temperate hills, and finally, over massive bare granite slabs, as I thought about how the landscape of my soul has changed as I journeyed through different seasons in life.

I battled with my mind telling me, "you can't make it", to push through the last few stages of the climb, where the peak felt so close and yet so incredibly far. I fought with my heart against giving up on hope, love, and second chances that felt so close and yet at the same time, so impossible for someone like me.

I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to do the very last things I wanted to do, things that scared the crap out of me, like ice cold showers and being vulnerable. 

I depended on others - to guide me, support me, encourage me, inspire me, motivate me, walk beside me, and tell me that it's okay and I'd make it through when I doubted myself. 

I let go. Of expectations, of things that weighed me down, of excuses, of the fear of things changing. 

I embraced the change.

And changed.

Five days away, and I came back a different person - skin a little tanner, legs a little more sore, one more item checked off my bucket list. 

But beyond that, I've come home a little bit more satisfied, a little bit stronger, and a little bit braver. 

I conquered not just a physical mountain, but also intimidating mountains in my soul. And I've learned not so much that I'm stronger than I think I am, but that I have a Source of strength I can draw from that is more than enough to compensate for my fears, my weaknesses, and my doubt. 

I've learned that journeys are meant to be shared, and that it's okay to need others. I've learned that I can say, "I don't know if I can do this," and not be judged or criticised for it, that there are plenty of generous people willing to lend a helping hand or an encouraging word, and that travelling is  a lot more fun in good company. 

I've been reminded that although this journey through life is often difficult, long, and arduous... it is also so heart-breakingly beautiful. And no matter what discouragement or setbacks you may face, everything is worth it for the moments that come and steal your breath away along the way.

I'm learning to live a little bit deeper within myself. To chase after my goals and dreams, even if I'm not sure I have what it takes to reach them. To always stay open. To hope, to life, to love, to change... to new beginnings. 

Reminded

I find that the more I explore, the more I get out there and just experience life - meeting new people, experiencing new things, taking risks, reaching for goals - the more I reach out to the world around me and take steps forward into uncharted territory... the more precious it becomes to take the time to pause, step back, and draw inwards to reflect and recharge.

The past three weeks have been crazy, fun-filled, mind-blowing weeks where I had the privilege to do stuff I never thought I'd be able to - not this soon, at least. And in a few days, I'll be checking one item off my bucket list - climbing Mount Kinabalu - again, something I'd always wanted to do but never thought that I'd be able to do so soon.

At a glance, all these things seem so exciting, so 'adventurous', as people have often described my life. But it's in the quiet moments that I realise it's not the 'big' things that give my life meaning. It's not the visible 'accomplishments' or 'success' that took the most effort or courage to achieve; it's the hidden battles that no one sees that don't come easy.

Despite my varied interests and activities, I'm still very much a writer at heart. Which means I'm a deeply private person. I don't naturally enjoy prolonged socialising and interacting with people - getting out there and taking the initiative to make connections and volunteer myself for things is not something that comes easily for me. Hard to believe sometimes maybe, but it's true.

Yet I find myself pushing myself out of my comfort zone and doing the very things I struggle with.

And in the quiet moments, I ask myself, Why are you doing all these things, Crys? Is it out of a sense of pride in my accomplishments? Is it so people will see how good or accomplished a person you are? Is it just to prove a point to the people who have discouraged you or said "You can't" along the way? 

Maybe it's a little of all those things. I am only human. But I think if I were driven solely by those things, I'd have burned out a long time ago.

And so I ask myself, on an almost daily basis, Why do I bother doing what I do? What is it that I really want to do with my life? How is the way I'm living today helping me get to that ultimate goal?

I find myself, again and again, coming back to the same answers.

I want to make a difference. But not just any difference. I want to be a force for good. I want to give to others, because people have given to me. I want to inspire others, because people have inspired me. I want to bring hope, just as I have been given hope. I want to love, just as I have been loved.

It's never an easy road to take to choose to live by and stand for the things you believe in. It's very often, in fact, exhausting. But every time I start feeling tired I remind myself of how blessed and loved I am, and I focus on all the good things that are in my life, and somehow, I find enough strength to keep moving forward in this journey of learning to love and help and serve those around me better.

This weekend, this song has been the refreshing reminder I needed. I've been drowning myself in the lyrics and melodies and literally looping it over and over again as I caught up on some much-needed rest over the weekend. Hope it blesses you too.

The gift of reading

Some rights reserved by A.K. Photography

One of my favourite things about my year in the UK was being able to buy books online from Amazon at much more affordable rates compared to books bought in Malaysia. Then I discovered Book Depository and found out BookXcess had expanded in the time I was away, much to my delight.

The other day as I was wrapping and flipping through a stack of recently-bought books, it struck me that since last year I have been able to afford buying books for myself - brand new, no less!

Even though I was an avid reader since 2 or 3 (my mum tells me the only way to get me to sit down for a meal or in the toilet was to put a book in front of me), books were privileges borrowed from libraries, passed down second-hand from older kids who had outgrown them, or, once a year, given brand-new by an aunt from England whenever she returned for summer holidays.

No book would pass through our household without being pored over, savoured, digested, or, even for the utterly boring ones, quickly skimmed through and then spat out.

Second-hand encyclopaedias from an uncle were my primers on folk tales, Greek mythology, and dog breeds from Papillons to Irish Setters.

Reader's Digest informed my general knowledge on the fact that a sneeze can carry germs up to as far as 15 feet and the meanings of and difference between the words opaque and translucent.

Biographies of great people like Helen Keller and Corrie Ten Boom seared the importance of kindness, love, and the beauty of the human spirit across my heart.

"The Chronicles of Narnia" captured my imagination and deepened my sense of mystery and wonder.

An old diet book of my mother's from her younger days taught me that self-control and discipline were the most important (and really, the only) diet tips any girl needs to know.

Tales of mice in flying baskets and sailor dogs ignited my passion for travel and discovery, and Usborne books made me aware of the sobering reality of the waste produced by commercialism.

Sean Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" prepped me for the challenges that I would face in the years to come but more importantly instilled in me great habits that keep me going even past my teens.

I read all this, mind you, before I'd even hit 13. I've barely touched any of the above books since but everything I've learned from them remain a part of who I've become today.

As a child, my parents were not able to give me many things, like brand new books (something so many of us take for granted). But they gave me a bigger gift - the gift of reading. Life - and possibilities - opened up for me through books. Books taught me that life is so much bigger than what I know and how to dream big and reach for my goals.

The fact that I can afford to buy a book today is a small reminder of the amazing journey that my life has been so far - a journey that would not exist if not fuelled by the imagination and passion while tempered by the eternal truths, wise lessons and lasting values I have encountered in my reading.

So the next time you hold a book in your hand, don't take the privilege for granted. Delve into it, engage with it, allow it to challenge and educate and inform and change you. Enter other people's worlds through their words, and watch your own world becoming bigger. Sit on the thoughts, ideas and ideals that someone has painstakingly stitched together for no other tangible purpose than to share them with you - mull over them, and let them become part of yourself.

If you want to live, truly live, read.

I wish that more Christians would read, and not just the Christian-life books and novels churned out by Christian publishing houses. I wish they would haunt used bookstores, delving into the thoughts, the poetry, the stories of yesterday and today. I wish they would fellowship with the world's great thinkers, with Christianity's most faithful workers and with the deepest imaginations and longings of our race. They might be surprised at how often they find God in the written word. C.S. Lewis said of books that "A young man who wishes to remain an atheist cannot be too careful of his reading."

I think he is right. In any case, by reading, I live my life more fully. On ink and paper I peruse the mind and soul of the human race, and even the mind and soul of God; I see their interactions clearly laid down; and I am challenged to interact with all my heart, soul and strength: to take my own life as a gift, to think about it, to enrich it with imagination, to live. 

-Rachel Starr Thomson, Mind Soul Ink Paper

The next level

Some rights reserved by jamieanne

In one of my favorite books (that first fired my imagination and passion for travel), there is a passage in which the author, Alice Steinbach, asks a shepherd about his sheepdogs:

"Do you ever think of your dogs - say, when they're off duty - as pets?"
"...when they're pups we do rear them as pets in the house for nine to ten months. I believe champions are made in the house. The dogs learn manners, the kids play with them, and they learn to be around people. I think it's important they be raised in the house."
"How do young dogs raised in a house for almost a year take it when they're put out?" I asked. "One day they're a pet, the next day they're a working dog."
Mark answered my question with one word: "Hard."

Some rights reserved by RayMorris1

Something about this passage really struck me, for two reasons:

1) For the last few weeks, I've been learning to train dogs at an animal shelter I volunteer at. And there is something magnificent about watching a dog that has been broken in and trained to behave beautifully.

2) Entering the workforce proper, especially at an age where I am constantly reminded of how young I am, feels a lot like being "broken in".

One day I'm a college student with the time to bake and cook and blog and do a million and one things, and the next day I'm a working girl with a fixed daily schedule. How did I take it?

You guessed it - Hard.

But just as the sheepdogs eventually come to enjoy their work - because that is essentially what they are bred and born to do, I'm starting to feel the same way about mine.

Yes, it's hard to be passionate about the minute, mundane details of a corporate desk job. But it's in the little details that I'm starting to find opportunities to develop skills that will help me in the long run. Like patience, attention to detail, and learning to find joy even in routine and repetition. Like the art of pursuing excellence in every tiniest detail. Like being able to see the long-term vision even when there's not very much tangible evidence of it in the present.

I definitely have my work cut out for me. There is so much to learn as I'm put through the paces of the working world, and although it sometimes gets overwhelming, it mostly feels good to be at this place.

It's beginning to feel natural and that's when I realize that this is what my upbringing and my education has been preparing me to do.

It dawned on me that this is the next level. I've reached it.

Suddenly, everything I've been through in the previous level seems insignificant and small. And it feels good to know that I've reached where I am supposed to be.

These days, I'm getting excited when things feel hard - because the hard bits are because I don't know. I don't know - because there are lots of new things to learn. There are lots of new things to learn - because I've reached a new level.

And guess what? The view always looks better from higher up.

It's a harder climb, yeah. But it sure is a heck of a greater view. I find myself reaching for bigger goals and dreaming bigger dreams from here than I ever dared to dream or reach for before.

What are you finding hard in your life right now?

Could it be the reason you're going through that tough time is because you're about to move on to the next level?

What's your next level?

And if you knew you WILL reach that next level, would the difficulty be worth it?

***

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.  -Robert Brault

Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. -Robert Louis Stevenson 

There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. -William John Bennett

A well-ordered life is like climbing a tower; the view halfway up is better than the view from the base, and it steadily becomes finer as the horizon expands. -William Lyon Phelps