the law of the harvest

mine is a generation, by and large, that has not been taught the law of the harvest.

we have been taught to get by with quick fixes, shortcuts, and instant solutions. we want to reap where we have not sown and gain success without paying the price. and for awhile, that might work. for awhile, we can appear to be successful. spend a few months in the gym, get the body we've always wanted, flirt and charm our way, get the attention we've always craved, manipulate and fight our way to the top, get the promotion and validation we seek.

but the true test of success is if what you've achieved will stand the test of time. you haven't really succeeded if a few months down the road, your exercise schedule crumbles. your relationship crumbles. your body, mind, soul burns out.

our 'success' crumbles because we have not spent the time and energy building a foundation that will ensure that all we have achieved stands strong. a foundation built from discipline, consistency, and a deep respect for one's identity, for one's role in a bigger picture.

truly successful people understand the law of the harvest. they understand that anything worth doing and anything great worth building takes time. it takes time to till the soil, to sow, nurture, and cultivate before the rewards can be reaped. it takes time to build foundations that are deeply rooted and strong enough to withstand whatever life throws their way. it takes time to develop the character and the maturity to accept full responsibility for their own lives. they have a deep sense of stewardship - they see their lives as having a greater purpose, their work as having a greater meaning - and it is their duty to cultivate and grow their potential, for the benefit of those around them. they seek to make the world a better place. 

i want to be that kind of person, to have that kind of success. i want so much to live a story worth telling. i'm not asking for a life that's easy, because that would make me like everyone else. i'm asking for a life filled with meaning and passion and purpose. i want to always keep alive the fire that keeps me pushing myself out of my comfort zone every single day. i want to own myself - not be owned by my history, my emotions, my fears, other people's opinions about me, my titles, or my situation. i want to be so certain of who i am and who He has called me to be that i can go through anything and not be shaken. 

may i never ever settle for short-sightedness, shallow living, navel-gazing, cheap thrills, or temporary satisfaction, but run relentlessly towards a truth and a freedom that lasts forever.

We all have something to give

I remember listening to people say that God would drop words in their hearts to say certain things to certain people. And it would be so timely, so exactly what those people needed to hear. For the longest time, I thought I must not be listening hard enough, else I would hear God the same way.

For the longest time, I compared myself to others and thought that I had to do certain things a certain way to be successful, to be considered a 'good person', to make a difference in the world. I struggled with believing that I had something to offer just by being who I am.

Today, two different people told me they were encouraged by simple little notes I'd dropped them, and that it was so timely for what they were going through. And I was reminded once again that although I may not have the same gifts as others, such as the gift to speak directly into people's lives - I still have something to offer, in a different way. I'd long took my writing for granted because it came so naturally to me - but I've realised my writing is my gift I can offer to the world.

Tomorrow morning, I set off to a land halfway across the world from where I am - wondering how I got here and what I have to offer. But although it may not be much, I'm willing to give whatever I have - trusting that He will use it in a special, unique way. He will multiply the little I have and turn it into something much bigger than I would ever have to offer on my own.

Stop comparing yourself to others. Your gift might not be as 'obvious' or prominent as others, but we all have something to give. Even if it's little notes that make someone's day.

So whatever your gift is, give it. Compose that song. Write that killer copysheet. Draw up that crazy, daring, but absolutely revolutionary strategy. Make that pitch. Ask that person out to lunch. Smile at that stranger. Paint that picture. Code that program. Lead that group. Start-up that project.

Don't waste your time and deprive the world of your gift by trying to be anyone or anything other than yourself.

“We know only too well that what we are doing is nothing more than a drop in the ocean. But if the drop were not there, the ocean would be missing something.” -Mother Teresa

Staying inspired

Some days, you feel like you're this close to running on empty. Some days, your heart and mind has so much left to give but your body doesn't feel the same way. Some days, it's all about getting things done and being productive, with little time to absorb and reflect.

On days like these, good friends, good food, and good writing keep me grounded.

Since I haven't been posting in here in awhile, I'd like to share some writing that has kept me inspired, deliberate, and rejuvenated even in the midst of long days that stretch into night. Hope it does the same for you!

Here's to living (and working) with purpose.

Kindness Meditation 
by Julie Henderson (thanks Linds for sharing)

On this day, I will strive to see the peace that is everywhere and access the abundance of beauty and joy that lie in every moment. It is the Eternal Now that I am after. I will strive to set aside everything I have learned and presume to know in order to allow new knowledge and new experiences to flood my being.

I will strive to be a magnet for powerful, positive, and miraculous truths, images, words, and music. I will do everything in my power to clear my mind of the negative energies that have obfuscated my view and distorted my words and actions. I will create a new paradigm that helps me to recognize only the good qualities in every person, place, and thing that composes my environment. I will raise my energy and my light to the highest frequencies of love, generosity, charity, compassion, forgiveness, and truth. I will fill my head with constructive thoughts and images that will help me to further my individual growth so that I can illuminate and inspire the lives of others. I will learn something new on this day and discover a place I have never before encountered.

I will push myself to do or at least attempt something that I never imagined I would be able to do. I will be courteous to people who cross my path and I will help those in need wherever and whenever I find myself in circumstances that allow me to do so.

I will surround myself with beautiful nature and touch the earth to show her my love and gratitude for holding mine and everyone else’s weight. I will extend my love to the entire world and cosmos along with my respect and humbled admiration of the divine sparks of the Creative Force Energy that composes us all.

I will love because I can, give because I can, be gracious because I can, be humble because I have every reason to be, and speak my truth because that is my duty and my joy. I will practice random acts of kindness and go out of my way to establish order within the chaos of our world.

I will write a letter to someone I haven’t spoken with for a while. I will send a message to someone I love dearly. I will write a poem. I will make art. I will play my guitar and sing. I will volunteer myself to help loved ones and friends. I will eat and drink healthy to show my body my deep gratitude for its existence and the role it plays in protecting my soul and spirit.

I will recite my mantras any time I feel overwhelmed by thoughts that cause anxiety. I will listen to someone who rarely has the opportunity to be heard. I will be aware of my breath and the rhythm of my heartbeat.

I will laugh and forgive myself when I forget that I made these promises at the beginning of my day, and at the end of my day I will celebrate and congratulate myself for what I was able to accomplish.

And here's another piece from Tumblr (via a-thousand-words):

The big picture

"Since the days of John the Baptist, the kingdom of heaven has been advancing with force. And forceful people are taking hold of it." -Matthew 11:12 (NIRV)

"The Kingdom of Heaven has been forcefully advancing, and violent people are attacking it." -(NLT)

"And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force." (NKJV)

This is a verse that has troubled me greatly when I read it today. Just go to BibleGateway and check out what all the different translations say.

I mean, how can different translations of the Bible be so inconsistent and contrary to each other? I found it very puzzling and disturbing. Being my usual nerdy self, I had to go Google more information on it for a good half an hour after reading this passage.

And what I discovered was this whole confusion over the meaning of the Greek word biazetai, which can be translated to either negative violence or positive force, depending only on a very close study of the context in which it is used, much like many words in the English language today.

Christians being Christians, or rather humans being humans, there was plenty of argument and debate about it.

But I came away from my reading at peace because what I consistently got from all my reading was context, context, context. In order for this statement to fit in with the rest of the Bible and its entire message, what was Jesus trying to say here? The context is everything.

And when I look at verses like Philippians 3:12 ("Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to TAKE HOLD of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."), I realise that this verse is not so troubling at all when looked at in the right context. In fact, it fits right in with the rest of my theology.

And this just served to remind me of the importance of context. Of fitting things into a bigger picture. Reductionists believe things can be explained the more you break them down. But all the science in the world can't explain profound miracles like falling in love.

Surely, surely everything is part of a bigger picture - and when we understand that big picture, we understand the parts.

That's why I'm so determined to finish reading through the Bible for the first time in my life this year. Because I don't just want to know those reassuring little verses I memorised in Sunday school - the ones everyone hangs on their walls or prints on souvenirs.

I want to understand the bigger story. I want to know the context. I don't want to interpret my own meaning without understanding the story's history, or blindly swallow secondhand reiterations and interpretations of it without knowing the Person who wrote it and understanding His heart.

Ruin is the road to transformation

The Beaver is a film about meaning, purpose, connection, losing your way, and finding it again - all themes that strike very close to my heart. It's a story about a family unravelling because the people in it are lost, confused, hopeless, and at the end of their rope - and how they reach a breaking point only to find that it is exactly what they need to rebuild.

After the movie I kept thinking about what the main character, Walter Black said:

"We reach a point where, in order to go on, we have to wipe the slate clean. We start to see ourselves as a box that we're trapped inside and no matter how we try and escape, self help, therapy, drugs, we just sink further and further down. The only way to truly break out of the box is to get rid of it all together... I mean, you built it in the first place. If the people around you are breaking your spirit, who needs them? Your wife who pretends to love you, your son who can't even stand you. I mean, put them out of their misery. Starting over isn't crazy. Crazy is being miserable and walking around half asleep, numb, day after day after day. Crazy is pretending to be happy. Pretending that the way things are is the way they have to be for the rest of your bleeding life." -Walter Black, The Beaver (2011)

And I couldn't help but be reminded about what two of my favourite writers had to say on this subject of ruin and rebuilding:

 “A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It’s called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome’s first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It’s one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured – the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” -Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat. Pray. Love

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” -C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I think instinctively, we all want to settle for 'safe'. The idea of starting again and leaving behind everything we've worked for and built away is a scary, painful thought - it feels like losing a part of yourself - losing all the things that used to define you. But what if leaving the past behind and starting again is exactly what we need? What if it is when we feel like we're losing ourselves that we find who we truly are?

I need this reminder daily. I need to remind myself it's okay to change. It's okay to 're' - rebuild, restore, revamp, re-examine, revoke, retry. I'm not a finished product - I'm a work in progress. And like any work in progress, it's okay to throw everything out and start again. In fact, sometimes it's not just okay, it's essential if you want the finished product to be anything worthwhile.

Image: Some rights reserved by Fulla T

Relish11.4 - Fear

No one likes to re-live moments of fear. We are often shown as children how to “master” our fear, or “wrestle” with it. Today let’s consider fear in a new light. Let’s let fear have a say, and for once really listen to what is tells us. Fear can be a most powerful teacher. When were you fearful in this past year? Follow that fear now, and see if there was a lesson for you. Did you take anything positive away from that experience? If you follow it, instead of fight it, what does your fear have to offer you?

This year, I faced two huge fears: 1) the fear of being alone, and 2) the fear of not doing work that matters.

Far away from my support network and family, I spent a lot of time alone in the UK. While much of this time alone was therapeutic and gave me plenty of space to think and reflect, much of it was also spent worrying about losing people, about people coming and going, about whether I'd ever find someone to get used to. I've said more 'hellos' and 'goodbyes' this year than I cared to, but in the midst of all of that I've seen amazing new friendships come into my life when I most needed it. I've learned that sometimes we need to let go of some people, but it's always, always, so the ones we need can come into our lives.

Having just entered the corporate world, I also struggled with connecting meaning to my job. And through people and my reading and songs, I've been reminded again and again that peace, purpose, and satisfaction is a state of being, not doing. It's hard, coming from an Asian mentality, to believe that what I do does not equal who I am, but I am learning a little bit more everyday that it doesn't. I'm learning to 'bloom where I'm planted', and that it's more a matter of my attitude and perspective towards things that make a difference, and less about what I am actually doing. 

Reminded

I find that the more I explore, the more I get out there and just experience life - meeting new people, experiencing new things, taking risks, reaching for goals - the more I reach out to the world around me and take steps forward into uncharted territory... the more precious it becomes to take the time to pause, step back, and draw inwards to reflect and recharge.

The past three weeks have been crazy, fun-filled, mind-blowing weeks where I had the privilege to do stuff I never thought I'd be able to - not this soon, at least. And in a few days, I'll be checking one item off my bucket list - climbing Mount Kinabalu - again, something I'd always wanted to do but never thought that I'd be able to do so soon.

At a glance, all these things seem so exciting, so 'adventurous', as people have often described my life. But it's in the quiet moments that I realise it's not the 'big' things that give my life meaning. It's not the visible 'accomplishments' or 'success' that took the most effort or courage to achieve; it's the hidden battles that no one sees that don't come easy.

Despite my varied interests and activities, I'm still very much a writer at heart. Which means I'm a deeply private person. I don't naturally enjoy prolonged socialising and interacting with people - getting out there and taking the initiative to make connections and volunteer myself for things is not something that comes easily for me. Hard to believe sometimes maybe, but it's true.

Yet I find myself pushing myself out of my comfort zone and doing the very things I struggle with.

And in the quiet moments, I ask myself, Why are you doing all these things, Crys? Is it out of a sense of pride in my accomplishments? Is it so people will see how good or accomplished a person you are? Is it just to prove a point to the people who have discouraged you or said "You can't" along the way? 

Maybe it's a little of all those things. I am only human. But I think if I were driven solely by those things, I'd have burned out a long time ago.

And so I ask myself, on an almost daily basis, Why do I bother doing what I do? What is it that I really want to do with my life? How is the way I'm living today helping me get to that ultimate goal?

I find myself, again and again, coming back to the same answers.

I want to make a difference. But not just any difference. I want to be a force for good. I want to give to others, because people have given to me. I want to inspire others, because people have inspired me. I want to bring hope, just as I have been given hope. I want to love, just as I have been loved.

It's never an easy road to take to choose to live by and stand for the things you believe in. It's very often, in fact, exhausting. But every time I start feeling tired I remind myself of how blessed and loved I am, and I focus on all the good things that are in my life, and somehow, I find enough strength to keep moving forward in this journey of learning to love and help and serve those around me better.

This weekend, this song has been the refreshing reminder I needed. I've been drowning myself in the lyrics and melodies and literally looping it over and over again as I caught up on some much-needed rest over the weekend. Hope it blesses you too.

Adventurously expectant

Last week at After-Alpha we watched a video about the Bible's relevance in our lives today. Nicky Gumbel, the speaker, told a story of this young woman (journalist if I recall correctly?) who was reading a novel by a certain author and hated it. One day at a party, she met a young man who charmed her socks off. To her surprise, she discovered he was the author of the novel she disliked. That night she went home and reread the entire novel, seeing each line and paragraph in a new light, after having encountered the person who wrote it.

That pretty much sums up the way I read the Bible these days.

I think my life has done a 180 turn since returning from the UK - back in July I was pretty much lost, not sure what I wanted to do with my life, and holding on to quite a bit of the past and fears about the future. I think that's changed since... for the better.

And I'm so thankful. So thankful for the past five months. So thankful for the lessons it's taught me. So thankful for the emptiness, the lostness... that brought me here. So thankful that I'm in a place where I wake up every day and can say that I love the life I live. So thankful I'm learning to let go of my uncertainly of the future and my near-sighted plans... and embrace whatever's next.

So thankful that these days, when I flip through the pages of this precious Book, every word speaks LIFE into my soul.

"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!" 

-Romans 8:15-17

I will get to know the way my skin curves around my bones

(via shipwreckedinthedesert)

The start of a new chapter in life, of a transition from what was to what is - always takes me a period of reflection before I finally feel I am ready to embrace the new opportunities of the present.

And this period of reflection often brings with it the ironically familiar surprise that somewhere along the way, I've lost sight. Of who I am, why I'm here, of where I'm going, of what I want.

This new chapter of transitioning from academic life to the working world has been no different. Yesterday I learnt a new term that up till hearing it, I had no knowledge of: "quarter life crisis". I might be going through one of those now.

I'm not supposed to be so jaded at 21, or at least that's the vibe I get from most people I talk to, but since when do life experiences move in a linear pattern anyway? We live, we make mistakes, we get tired, we give up, we pick ourselves up, we learn, we move on... and the process repeats itself over and over again.

I've been in this place many times before. Different chapters, different friendships, different loves, different questions, different struggles - they were all documented somwhere, on some blog, out there in the great vast web. Because of this I've been able to look back and see how I've grown, made mistakes, learned from them, repeated a few more times than I should have, but picked myself up again.

It gets harder each time, it's true. I find myself becoming more guarded and wary of not making any mistakes so I don't go through the painful process of trying to pick myself up from another one the older I get. It happens to all of us as we grow up. Maybe it's not such a bad thing, as long as we don't wall ourselves up so completely we stop growing altogether.

So I guess this is just another one of those parts of the story where I get to start from zero all over again and redefine what's important to me in life and what I want out of it. Notice I said, "I get to". Not I don't have any choice because I don't have any cooler, more kick-ass plan figured out for my life than working a corporate 9-5 job or because there seems to be an hopeless dearth of good, single, passionate men left in the world, let alone my city.

Because I still believe that life is what we make it, and how we choose to see it. I could spend the next three years telling myself that all I have to live for is getting by with just enough, working off my bond and otherwise bumming my life away, waiting for the-powers- that-be to hand me my life's purpose or my perfect soul mate on a silver platter, since I have neither the freedom, opportunity or finances to do anything more exciting, like backpack solo around the world or open a coffeehouse.

Or I could see these three years as a gift. Time given to an intense, unpredictable, impatient, emotionally-voilatile go-getter and overachiever to slow down and let life catch up with her dreams for a bit, to enjoy her youth before it slips out of her grasp, to figure out what she really wants - what 21-year-old her wants, not what precocious 15-year-old or idealistic 18-year-old her wanted. To have her faith in humanity and hope in God restored again before she goes rushing about with the notion that she can make the world or someone else's life better.

To find the courage to face the demons she's been running from and the truth that all this while, her noble ambitions and aspirations have been nothing but attempts to prove that she was better than everyone else, and that those attempts stemmed from a deep insecurity. The truth that all her 'fearless' efforts at loving people she knew were not good for her stemmed from never really believing she could be good for anybody. The truth that the reason she secretly hated authority and the church and men was because she had been hurt by people who represented all of the above and refused to believe that maybe those people didn't represent those groups accurately. The truth that the reason she didn't have good things in her life to celebrate was not because she didn't believe they existed, but that she didn't believe she deserved them.

There's so many things I need to work on. So many things I want to work on. But if I had to pick somewhere to start, I would pick fear. I watched Green Lantern last night and although yes, it was hardly anything to shout about, what struck me was the overwhelming, total destructiveness of fear. I think mankind's greatest threat is not World War III or global warming or tangible things like that - I think our greatest enemy is fear, and the greatest battlefield is in the mind.

The most deadly, totally-consuming things are not bullets or guns or radiation or toxic waste - they are fears.

The fear that I don't matter.
The fear that nothing matters.
The fear that my life will always be this way.
The fear that nothing will change.
The fear that I will be just like my parents.
The fear that my children will be just like me.
The fear that nobody cares.
The fear that I can never bring myself to care again.
The fear that things will get worse.
The fear that I can never pick myself up from something like this.
The fear that life is a mistake.
The fear that I am a mistake.

Fear creeps in silently. But it is potent and will-crippling and mind-numbing and soul-searing. Even anger and hate, in all their explosive fieriness, stem from fear at its very core.

And only courage can overcome it.

As Carol tells Green Lantern Hal, it's not "that you are fearless. It saw that you have the ability to overcome fear. It saw that you are courageous."

Living takes courage, because living is dangerous. It's easier to survive.

It's dangerous to keep trying, again and again, for what you want. when you risk looking a fool. It's easier to settle.
It's dangerous to care because there will come times when caring will hurt. It's easier to not give a damn.
It's dangerous to change because it will be uncomfortable, difficult, and you might slip back into the same old rut, reinforcing your fear that nothing will ever change. It's easier to resign yourself to the status quo.
It's dangerous to hope because you risk disappointment. It's easier to accept the way things are.
It's dangerous to believe your life has meaning, because you will have to chase down that meaning, and when you find it, defend it at all costs, because there are those who would like nothing better to steal it from you, so they can continue surviving safely, conveniently, and comfortably, but fearfully, through life. It's easier to give in to your fears.

I'm getting tired of letting my fears dictate my life. I know I've been in this spot before and said things along this line before, but I'm not going to let the fear of making the same old mistakes and the fear of nothing ever changing stop me from deciding, again, that I'm going to let go of things that hold me back, I'm going to live my life, I'm going to find out who I am and what I want, and I'm going to colour and paint in life's meaning for myself.