Love is acceptance

The longer I stay in this relationship, the more I find that love is not so much about falling for all the endearing things the other person does or being swept off your feet by that person's charm - it's about learning what it means to accept another person just as that person is, quirks and flaws, and to give that person the space to be wonderfully, uniquely imperfect.

It's discovering that the way that person says certain things gets you really annoyed, but deciding you can live with it. It's realising how tempting it is to snap when the other person makes a mistake, but deciding to let out a huge sigh and bite your tongue instead. It's not necessary liking or agreeing with that person's decisions, but letting him make them still. It's sometimes disagreeing when it comes to things like style and dressing, but being proud to be seen beside that person anyway.

It's not easy to come to that place where after many arguments, you realise that even the worst of arguments wouldn't be a reason to leave, because you've come to that place of mutual acceptance that is so hard to find. And when you're at that place, it hits you that there's probably no one else on earth whom you know better or who knows you better - but at the same time, you've both grown so much in your own ways and continue to encourage each other's personal development that you also know there will be so many parts of the other person that will remain a mystery. And that's okay.

Because love is not about always being the first thing on that's person's mind in the morning, or the last voice you hear before you drift off to sleep. It's not memorising a person's favourite colour or remembering her favourite food. It's knowing that life is never so simple, that your routines will change, and so will your favourite things. And it's knowing that life can change as much as it likes but you're still going to stick with this one person out of the six billion others on the planet.

It's that calm and quiet assurance that even when real life kicks in and gets real crazy, no matter how late you'll have to work, no matter how far the distance from each other, no matter how different the backgrounds you come from, no matter all the challenges and stresses that life throws your way - you know that you've found someone who accepts you and your crazy work hours, your overbearing mother, your overseas ambitions, your expensive hobbies, your weird friends, your demanding boss, or your busy schedule - someone who just accepts you, and everything else that comes along with the package, because that person knows you can't pick and choose what you want in love. And someone whom you can accept as well.

And when you're in that place, you both know that while understanding is ideal, you don't need to understand to accept. While encouraging the other person to change, especially if it's for the better, you don't try to make projects of each other. While the other person's feelings is of utmost importance to you, you don't let yourself be weighed down by them. Because accepting another is not trying to 'fix' that person but simply understanding that it's okay to have emotions and 'this too, will pass' - and just walking beside that person until the storm blows over.

But acceptance is not resignation. It is not giving up hope that things won't get better or that the person will ever change. It is making peace with the journey, and knowing that nothing happens overnight. And it's learning to smile through the tears, to dance in the rain, and to just enjoy the ride.

“I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter. 

We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love." // James Kavanaugh

Three things my parents taught me that they don't teach in school

1. That if you're going to dream, dream big. 

"You want to be a writer?" my parents asked me. "You want to be an artist?" they asked my brother. "Well, then be an author with a book on the NY Time Best Seller list," my dad would say. "Be an artist and hold art exhibitions around the world." My parents never put a cap on our dreams or told us we couldn't. They never let the fact that they didn't get a university education be a glass ceiling for us - just because they didn't get the opportunity, it didn't mean that we couldn't. And while we still have a long way to go, I think for the fields we've chosen, we've done pretty well, all without going to renowned schools or colleges. At 21, my brother has designed album covers and merchandise from top local bands to international acts - the kind of opportunities his peers would die for. I've had opportunities to travel, be part of international movements, and meet all sorts of interesting, different people. All because my parents never told us we couldn't.

2. That they couldn't teach me everything - but reading is so important to growth and development. 

I grew up reading books at the dining table - while my mum spoon-fed me - and on my "throne" as I was doing potty business. My brothers and I fell asleep listening to bedtime stories - a privilege, I later discovered as I grew up, that many peers in my generation never had, with parents that were often away, working till late at night. I loved words - "the swing and swirl of them as they tangle with human emotions" - and it was through reading I decided to pursue writing and communication. My brother was not so much a reader - but he was a very visual person - so my parents made sure he "read" picture books. He would occasionally end up drawing on them, and sometimes interpreting and illustrating his own different ending to the story, but aside from a mild reprimand, I think my parents were just happy that we read. If we ever complained about being bored, my mum would tell us to "read a page of the dictionary - you'll learn new things and increase your vocabulary". If we had questions, they would ask us to read about it, whether in an Encyclopedia or by researching it on the Internet.

As a young working adult, I'm so grateful that instead of using the TV and computer games to babysit us, as my parents could have easily done - they chose the tougher way of cultivating in us a love for reading. I believe that is what has given me an edge because in an information-saturated world, the ability to digest information and analyse it critically - all of which reading will teach you - is so important.

3. There's always something to learn in everything.

Long car rides during outstation trips were never boring. They would always be accompanied by commentaries about the caves or mountains we were driving past, or fun bits of history about a town we were driving through. When we watched movies, my parents would ask us what we learned, and then summarise what some of the good things were that we should learn from the movie, and the other things that we shouldn't follow. My parents didn't believe in mindless entertainment - but to bring a sense of wonder and curiosity into everything you do and encounter. 

monday inspiration: live generously and praise loudly

was doing some spring cleaning early this morning and i came across this gem of a letter i wrote to myself about 3 - 4 years back (i think?), during a church service where everyone was given pieces of paper to write letters to their future selves. really wished i'd written down the date! so i'd be able to see how much i've grown since then. 

i don't remember the speaker at all - can't even remember what he looked like - but what he did was he got everyone's addresses, and then a couple months later, posted our letters back to all of us with a little note of encouragement at the bottom. 

since then, i've never re-read that letter, but i'm so glad i discovered it again in this season because it's such a timely reminder to me of what i've always valued and held dear. and even though i may have detoured and been distracted along the way - the things i'm trying to pursue now are the things i have always been pursuing, and i shouldn't ever stop pursuing them. 

of pacing, and encouragement

what an amazing week has flown by! it's been an intense, crazy week that's involved surviving every night on less than 4 hours of sleep (not that i'm advocating it!), running 24km in one day, a lot of soul-searching, a lot of praying, a lot of worship practice / jamming sessions, a lot of speaking into people's lives and challenging them to grow, and a lot of allowing people to speak into my life and challenge me to grow.

just thought i'd share two key takeaways (have developed this very good habit of jotting down key takeaways, which has been inculcated in us by my ever-amazing boss, lou) that i've learnt from this crazy, hectic, amazing week, for anyone who's going through similar learning curves:

1. pace
there is a time for everything. there is a time to work hard, and a time to rest. a time for going all out, and a time for holding back. a time for speaking up, and a time to stay silent. i've been learning more and more to let go and accept it when things don't go as planned or when things don't work out the way i want them to. i'm learning that sometimes good things fall apart - so that better things can fall together.

i'm learning the importance of recognising seasons - of being centered and rooted enough to know what season i am in, and ignore the voices that tell me - i should slow down, or i should do more. i've run 3 runs in the past week (the pj half marathon - 21km, run for the nation - 15km, and nike training run - 9km), and had an amazing time running all of them, compared to all the other runs i've ever done before. i told myself that this time, i wouldn't run to overtake others - that i'd run at my own pace - at a pace i know i can run consistently. and i told myself i wanted to run not to merely cross the finish line, but i wanted to run so that i'd have enough energy to sprint past it. i wanted my finish to be stronger than my start - even if it meant letting others overtake me at first.

and i'm seeing how important that attitude is towards life as well - we need to know exactly where we are, and focus on getting our pace right - regardless of how everyone else around us is doing. we're meant to run our own race, to fight our own battles. the more we understand and accept the season that we are in, the more we are able to sense intuitively when we need to slow down to breathe, or speed up to push ourselves - the more we're able to just enjoy the journey and make it strong to the end.

2. encouragement
this week i've had multiple people tell me that i inspire them. i've run and prayed with people who said - thank you for the motivation - we couldn't have done it without you. that blew me away, because i didn't do anything this week besides try to run my own race and stick to my own path. yeah, i offered small words of encouragement - 'you can do it!', 'good job!', and 'keep going!' - but anyone else could have said those things as well.

and i'm learning that sometimes the most encouraging thing you can do for someone else is just showing up. is just living your own life to the fullest and hoping that somewhere along the way, someone will catch it too. sometimes you don't need to be the most eloquent or the most accomplished. sometimes all it takes is a simple smile. sometimes all it takes is being present with someone else, in whatever they're going through, to give them that tiny boost - which makes all the difference. and i'm learning that it's a continuous cycle - when it hits me that i've made someone smile, or encouraged someone, it makes me smile, and it encourages me as much, if not more.

***

this entire week has felt like being away at camp, or traveling - just a non-stop flurry of activity, excitement, and being reinvigorated and re-inspired all over again by seeing things with new eyes. and it hit me that wow, i don't have to go away to experience this! i can be refreshed and re-energised just in doing the things i do day in and day out.  and while i know that i need to slow down a little to just absorb and reflect on all of this - i'm ever so thankful for a great week that's gone by.

i was chatting last night with my former youth pastor and an amazing friend, rose, and she was sharing a heart-breaking experience she had last year which completely changed her life this year and led to her leaving the youth ministry to serve the underprivileged refugee kids in sentul with the harvest center / dignity for children foundation. she said, ever since then, i've told God - i don't want to ever recover from this feeling.

and that's exactly how i feel after this week - i don't ever want to recover from whatever it is i've caught that's made me realise that i want to live for so much more than myself. that i am where i am, surrounded by the people i am, with the gifts and passions i have - is not for myself, or my glory, or my satisfaction - but for a bigger reason. to make a difference in the lives of others.

i used to think i needed to work in an NGO or do missions in a third-world country to make a difference but this week has taught me that making a difference can happen absolutely anywhere. it starts with accepting and understanding the season you are in - and realising that you are where you are for a reason. and it starts with showing up.

***

You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. -Matthew 5:14-16

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. -Romans 8:28

image:  Some rights reserved by George Larcher

exceedingly, abundantly

(i've been telling myself i would write this post for a few weeks now - being a writer, i always think i need to wait for the right words or the inspiration to flow before i can start writing. i'm learning these days that writing that matters doesn't come out of talent or eloquence - it comes out of honesty, authenticity, and just plain living. so here goes!)

over the last few months, i've lost count of how many times people have said to me "you really sound like you're enjoying your job!" or "it's so refreshing to see someone actually liking what they do at work", or something along those lines. and every time i hear that, i laugh, because where i am today is so, so far from where i was one year ago.

one year ago, my heart was not fully settled back in malaysia. one year ago, i was in a job that my heart was not in. there was a period where, for a week, i cried every single morning before going to work because i felt so lost and directionless. all my big dreams, plans, and accomplishments up till that point... and where was i? i had no clue why i was there - and no clue what the future held for me.

once upon a time, i thought that for a person like me, with my personality and background and education, i needed to do things like be an entrepreneur or be in the media or freelance or work in a charity organisation. i thought that at work, i had to stifle certain aspects of my personality to perform. with different groups of friends, i thought i had to be a different person to fit in. and then there was finding the one. i thought i had to find someone who checked all the right boxes, progress in a relationship according to all the right steps, and have the blessing of all my friends and family.

somewhere along the way, it hit me that the way people perceived me was the way i wanted them to perceive me - not who i was. and over tearful conversations with strong, wise female mentors, it hit me that i didn't know who i was. i knew who i wanted to be, for sure - the strong, capable, independent, creative, unique, artistic one - but i thought there was only one way to be all that, and that i was doing it all wrong. i was not living up to my own standards.

it took some time, but i eventually realised that if i kept heading the way i was headed, i would exhaust myself. "look at you running around, trying to do so much," good friends told me. "there's nothing wrong with what you're doing - but it's not about doing so much - it's about why you're doing so much. who are you trying to be? what are you running from?" i realised that the person i was trying to turn myself into was not who i wanted to be - i was tired of striving. i wanted to discover what it meant to be me - to be who God made me to be - not dictated by what people thought of me, or where i worked, or my past, or my background, or my talents, but just simply who i am, right now, in this season.

i was tired of censoring myself and pretending to be "nice" all the time. to say all the right things. to be politically correct. of pretending to like certain things and to hide certain things i really liked. i thought somehow the things i cared about conflicted with each other - that i couldn't be successful, driven and ambitious while being creative, artistic, and down-to-earth. that i couldn't focus on doing the things i loved while prioritising the things that needed to get done. that i couldn't lead others while being honest about my own flaws and my struggles and questions.

and then it hit me - why the heck not? what was really so bad about being myself? it's scary, sure - to go through that process of discovering who you really are - but what else is there to do? keep trying to live up to impossible standards that were never mine to live up to?

i decided i wanted to stop trying so damn hard all the time. to please people, to please myself, to please God. i wanted to just be. even if it meant losing certain things that my identity revolved around. even if it meant looking slightly odd or crazy at times. i wanted to stop trying to control so much of my life, and just let go and say, "God, whatever you have for me, it doesn't matter anymore. i just want to be who you want me to be." yes, i lost certain things in the process. i had to say no to a lot of things that used to be important to me.

and i trusted. i trusted that in saying no to all that, i was saying yes to grace, and yes to trusting. trusting that here is exactly where i am supposed to be. me is exactly who i am supposed to be. this is exactly what i am supposed to be doing. i don't have to try so hard all the time. i gave myself permission to stop trying, and just be.

and then life happened. opportunity after opportunity came to serve, to contribute at work, to use my talents and gifts not in the way i expected they'd be used, but in a way that fired me up and surprised me.

ever have those moments where you go, "whoa, i can do this?!? whoa, i'm actually pretty good at this!" that was exactly how it felt. some people call it 'calling', some people call it being in 'flow', some people call it the 'sweet spot' - whatever you call it - it's that place where you know, not just in your head or with your emotions, but with some kinda of deeper, gut instinct, that this. is. it. this is where i'm meant to be. and nothing else can convince you otherwise.

you wake up every morning, excited to get started, because everything you do has meaning. and things just keep happening - puzzle pieces you could never figure out start just clicking into place, one after the other. all those months of questioning and wondering finally make sense and you're like, "ohhhh... so that's why i had to go through that, so i can do this." it's an incredible feeling!

Sarah: i'm so glad to hear you talk about your work like that really

10:35 it gives me hope that there IS such a thing as really loving your job

 me: yeah and it's not just for entrepreneurs and travel writers!!!

  which is what i always thought i had to be

10:36 just like i thought i had to follow a certain type of path

  but thankfully God knows us better than we know ourselves

  and he gives us better and more

this morning i had a chat with a friend / mentor who reminded me that no matter how far i've strayed, or how badly i've messed up, i always keep coming back to this place of grace. of learning and understanding that in spite of myself, there has always been and will always be a beautiful plan for my life, even if i don't see the whole picture yet. and it's teaching me to trust harder and risk more. because my faith is in Someone who is able to do "exceedingly, abundantly", far more than i could ever imagine or guess or request in my wildest dreams (eph 3:20).

dear 16 year old me...

// inspired by similar posts by Emily of Chatting At the Sky and Jeff Goins.

dear 16 year old me,

that boy six years older than you that you will meet this year is not worth your time, your heart, or your emotions. yet you will give him all of it and then some more, because you genuinely believe he is the one. but someday you will learn that a real man with pure intentions doesn't text 16 year old girls telling them he is imagining what they look like in the shower. or try to persuade and coerce you into doing things you don't want to do, making you believe that if you really loved him, you would.

by the time you finally gather up the courage to walk away, you will feel incredibly disillusioned by boys and you will make choices you will regret because you will fall for the lie that all boys are after is one thing, and you desperately want to be loved. but even more heartbreaking than that is that you will become incredibly jaded for the longest time about church, because that boy was a leader in church and yet..., because no one in church stood up for you, because how could God let this happen to you... and the reasons will never seem to end.

you will go through the motions of church and here and there, experience glimpses and tastes of forgiveness and healing... but you will still struggle for the longest time with resenting the church and the hypocrites in it. until you discover that you are one yourself. 

dear 16 year old me,

right now, you think appearances are everything. so you work out, you count your calories, you keep up your image of being a 'good girl'. but nobody's made to be superhuman. when you put all that pressure on yourself, sooner or later something's going to give. and you will give. you will give in to the pressure to conform. the pressure to live up to other people's expectations. the pressure to give bits and pieces of yourself and your heart in exchange for feeling temporarily wanted by someone else.

you will let your heart be broken. and to deal with it, you will break other people's hearts. and when you finally realise what a mess you've made of your life, you will fall apart. you will lose your way. you will feel like you don't know who you are anymore. that's what happens when you try to listen to so many voices, try to please so many people, and ignore that still, small voice inside of you.

but you know what? in falling apart, you will be able to finally let go of the walls you've built around yourself, and fall into the arms of grace, compassion, and One who's always been there. you will discover what it means to forgive once you understand how much you have been forgiven.

dear 16 year old me,

even though you will encounter grace and love and new beginnings, old habits tend to die hard. there you will go, chasing boy after boy after boy. and one day, you will realise that staying with someone just so you have company to eat dinner with or someone to drive you home are pretty shitty reasons to stay with someone. someday, you're going to realise that you don't want a relationship that is going to pull you away from the things you love. it will hit you that you can be more lonely being with the wrong person than being alone.

you will live on your own in the UK for a year (yes, believe it or not, i know that you don't think your parents can afford to send you to even a local university, but things will fall into place, and that dream of studying abroad? it'll become reality, trust me), and while you will hate coming home to an empty house night after night, that experience will teach you how to be alone.

it will also teach you that you are only as alone as you want to be. there are friends all around you, waiting to be made. you don't need one person to be your everything. it is impossible for one person to be your everything. so go on out there. meet new people. find that friend you can do late night talks about life and love and bake cookies with. find the other who challenges your faith and asks you the tough questions. find that mentor who will help you grow. find someone you can be stupid with.

dear 16 year old me,

you put a lot of unnecessary limitations on yourself, you know? you believe everyone has a 'type'. you think you're not the sporty type. or the social type. but those are just excuses. one day, you're going to discover running and climbing, and you will find that it feels like flying, and you will be absolutely addicted to it. one day, you will discover your voice, and you will learn to use your your conversations to inspire and lead.

dear 16 year old me,

if i could leave you with one piece of advice, it would be this: the size of your heart will determine the size of your life. the world will try to frighten you, toughen you, shame you, numb you... but if you stay soft, tender, open, and yielding, while remaining fiercely passionate, honest, and determined, life will give you all that you want and you will find everything you are looking for and more. live generously, and freely.

love,

22 year old me

Good people

A loving person lives in a loving world.  A hostile person lives in a hostile world; everyone you meet is your mirror.  -Ken Keyes, Jr.

Time flies!

In July, it felt like I would never get used to this new phase of life. I struggled not only with fitting back into Malaysian culture but also with fitting into the working world. Change never comes easy, does it?

In July, I was also searching. For good people. I wrote: "I need to be reminded that good women and men exist. Good people. Alive people. Passionate people. Kind people. Real people."

Because life has a way of doing that thing to you. That thing where you feel you're alone, no one understands, and that you can't tell your struggles to anyone.

I still can't get over the fact that August rushed by like that. (But if I don't get around to my point now, September will have gone past too.)

Long story short, these past couple weeks have seen not a few, but many good people coming into my life.

It's been amazingly refreshing and motivating to be surrounded by real, imperfect, and yet so passionate, hopeful, and kind people.

But I have also been reminded that for these people to come into my life, I had to start opening up as well, and letting people in again.

In July I wondered to myself and several people: "Where are all the good people?"

Where are people who make your day better instead of worse, who give you a boost rather than bring your mood down, who change things rather than complain, who love thoughtful conversations rather than mindless gossip?

Today, I can say... they're everywhere. It just depends where you're looking.

A friend said, "I'm tired of looking for the right people."

But maybe it's not about looking elsewhere ie. hunting down 'perfect' friends, but rather, looking differently - ie. changing your perspective.

Over the past few weeks I've had the privilege of spending time with a group of people I initially was hesitant about - people I thought I would have very little in common with - just talking about life and faith and the meaning of it all.*

I was humbled, because I was reminded that no matter who we are or where we come from, we're all very much the same deep down. Despite how different we might seem on the outside, we share, in the words of Obama, "common hopes, common dreams, a bond that will not break."

*P/S - I think the best marketing / testimonial of any kind is when a sceptic becomes a believer. When the change or improvement becomes, tangible, real, personal.

Since I'd heard about it I've always been quite sceptical of the Alpha course, even after going on it once. But I'm glad I gave it another try, because not just have I realised how dynamic and uplifting it can be, but I also had the privilege to meet and talk to other huge sceptics and witness what a major shift of perspective can take place in just five weeks.

It's amazing what being surrounded by so much positivity and acceptance does - so if you ever get the chance to go on the course, don't miss it. Of course if you want me to help you find a course convenient for you (Alpha takes place in schools and workplaces worldwide), I'd be more than happy to.

Messy, imperfect, life stuff

Nothing like a good, long sleep.

"Better to light a candle than curse the darkness."

It's been a heavy week.

Actually, scratch that. It's been a heavy month. So much has been weighing on my heart and all the waking hours in a day are not enough for the endless soul-searching and unanswered questions that churn around in my head every single day.

I've barely been back a couple months and so many close to my heart have lost loved ones.

I struggle with questions of living and dying and the meaning of all this.

I struggle with guilt about not giving the ones who really matter enough time.

After a year away I'm struggling to fit back into a culture I barely fit into even before I left.

I struggle to understand how meaning and faith and career and family can mean such completely different things between two worlds.

I struggle with reconciling these two worlds which have very much shaped who I am.

I struggle with how little I understand of other people's struggles.

Every single day I have been waking up to a life I know I am incredibly privileged to live and opportunities I should be incredibly thankful to have...

And I doubt if I have what it takes to live this life.

I struggle with guilt about all the above - not doing enough, not being enough - and yet...

I also struggle with dissatisfaction and frustration and getting what I want.

And I struggle with stuffing all these struggles inside because after all, I have so much to be grateful for - who am I to complain?

But the more I stuff, the more the heaviness threatens to spill over and this week it's just ended up with teary meltdowns at the end of every day. A nonsensical, irrational mess of silly, negative thoughts.

I can't do this. I'm not good enough. I'm not strong enough. I'm not tough enough. Not patient enough. Why do I have to do this? I deserve better. Why can't I just get what I want? What's the point in having success by other people's terms if I can't have the one thing I want? There is no way out. I'm going to feel this way forever. What am I talking about? I am so ungrateful. I am just an ungrateful, selfish bitch. I don't know who I am. I. can't. do. this.

So today I'm done with stuffing. I'm not perfect. But who is, anyway? I sometimes doubt myself. But who doesn't, anyway? I sometimes, despite knowing I'm better than this, knowing I've gotten through bigger battles, act silly and cowardly once in awhile. But who doesn't?

Today, I'm reminding myself that those things aren't what matters. The important thing is not to focus on the negatives, which everyone has to deal with every once in awhile, but the simple. good. things.

A good meal. A good sleep. A small space in my house that is all mine, that I can retreat to from the craziness of life. Good music. Silence. A crazy cat. Wonderful distractions.

And the knowledge that I am not alone.

Food bloggers don't just serve up recipes to nourish the belly. They often serve up food for the soul too.

"I did this thing today. I hate when I do this thing.
I did this thing where I convince myself that I’m not working hard enough, that I’m missing something, that my hair looks dumb, and I’m wholely unsatisfied.
How do I get out of a funk?
I give myself time to make something new.
I make tea. I remind myself to be kind… to myself.
Lemons help. Carbs work wonders. And Tina Fey is always to answer."
-Joy The Baker

Even more profoundly moving is a series of posts by a food blogger who recently lost her husband, suddenly and unexpectedly. Today, she is my hero.

"As I spend Friday reflecting on the love and life that was gone in an instant, I'd like to invite all of you to celebrate his life too. Mikey loved peanut butter cream pie. I haven't made it in a while, and I've had it on my to-do list for a while now.

I kept telling myself I would make it for him tomorrow. Time has suddenly stood still, though, and I'm waiting to wake up and learn to live a new kind of normal. For those asking what they can do to help my healing process, make a peanut butter pie this Friday and share it with someone you love. Then hug them like there's no tomorrow because today is the only guarantee we can count on." -for mikey

"Last Sunday was supposed to be a dark, stormy day. The brightly shining sun was a surprise, and it meant Mikey got to play one last game of paddle ball with a good friend.
It meant he got to help Isabella ride her bike one last time.
It meant we were not home when he died.
I've never been so grateful for a sunny day. Had it been raining, we would've in all likelihood been home when his heart stopped beating, getting ready for dinner." -5:52 pm

"This is what the sunset looks like from our deck on Cape Cod.
It might be more accurate to say this is what it used to look like, since this memory was captured last year when Mikey was still standing by my side watching it with me.
We lived for those sunsets. No matter what we were doing, the world went on pause, as we gazed at it, always in awe of how quickly those last few minutes flew by." -total eclipse of the heart

"...why even post a picture of those pancakes?
They are the first photo of food I've snapped since August 6th, the day before Mikey died.
Those pancakes are a beginning. Baby steps, in a way. Mikey was my muse. Pretty much every recipe I ever created was inspired by or made with him in mind. I'm hoping by easing into taking photographs of food again, it will open the door to new inspiration.
For now, I'm relying on recipes I know from memory. My memories are all I have to keep me going these days." -the road to recovery (and perfect pancakes)

Self-discovery

I am making a lot of little discoveries about myself. Discoveries that made me uncomfortable at first, but after awhile, I came to appreciate.

I used to think "self-discovery" was reserved for high school and university - that a degree would automatically confer on me some sort of illuminating Knowledge of what exactly I was supposed to do with my life. A few months post-university and the majority of it spent suffering from a major case of what-the-hell-am-I-doing-with-my-life-itis later, I have come to the conclusion that this is not the case after all.

What a relief to acquiesce to the fact that I am still learning, and that growing up and the discovery of self does not end with school.

So in the spirit of being young forever, here are some of my recent self-discoveries:

1. I like being around women more than I used to. I'd always found it easier to relate to men, but for the life of me, I can no longer understand why or how anymore.
2. I prefer less and good to more and average. From food to conversation to anything, really. I'm determined to fit into my old pre-UK clothes by eating anything I want, just less of it. (Watch this space for updates!) Also, these days, 2-3 delightfully stimulating tête-à-têtes with one or two very dear friends are much preferable to saying yes to every social invitation that comes my way. (I do realise I risk sounding like a snob, but I believe that it's very important to prioritize our nearest and dearest, and there are only so many days in a week.)
3. I am increasingly adopting a decidedly Epicurean philosophy towards life - ie. pleasure through the simple things in life.
4. I am not as fond of debating for its sake as I used to be. More and more things are just not worth expending breath and brain power on.
5. I appreciate manners, and especially greetings, a lot more because I realise I form much of my impressions of others based on their opening lines to me. And it is much more pleasant to be greeted with my name or 'Good morning / afternoon' than the infamously Malaysian 'EH!'
6. I finally have enough patience to read Jane Austen! This is a major accomplishment for a highly impatient reader who never had time for flowery language or intricate descriptions or minute, subtle observations on a person's character. 

That's it for now. Tell me about some of your recent discoveries, if you'd like.

The beauty of now

Life is a funny thing. Lived forwards, it can seem chaotic, uncomfortable, and painfully slow. But somehow time washes the not-so-pleasant away, leaving the beauty behind.

In the UK, I didn't think it was possible to miss a place as much as I missed KL. I now know that it's possible.

I didn't think I'd ever find myself missing it. All I saw, for most of my eight months there, was how much I was missing back home. But looking backwards, time did its funny little tricks, and I am struck by how beautiful my time there was.

I find myself, again, wishing I was back in a place that feels familiar - although ironically, it didn't feel familiar at the time. Yet I know that going back is not the answer. Things won't be the same again. I'd have to adjust all over again, and I'd find myself missing other familiar things here. 

Such is life... and such is time. It gives past memories a makeover, transforming them into beauty. Yet it's the very thing that keeps you from living the same moment twice.

I think that means we need to be more careful about the time we let slip through our fingers. 

We can't hold on to anything in life, that's for sure. But we can look past the chaos and unpleasantness of the moment and see all the beauty the present contains.

Maybe time works this way because if we got all the good and beautiful things in life at one go, we wouldn't be able to fully savour it or know what to do with it. 

There's beauty in the past, in memories. There's beauty in hope for the future, in dreams. But the only beauty we can really hold, touch, taste, experience... is that in the present.

So always keep a little bit of the beauty of the past and future in your heart, but don't let it blind you to that of the present. 

Because there is always something beautiful around us, I believe. At every single moment in our lives.

Sometimes I'm scared to embrace the beauty of today, because I'm scared I won't have room in my heart alongside so many beautiful memories of the past.

But the heart always makes room. 

Sometimes I live so much for the idea of a 'better' tomorrow, that I look back and regret not fully appreciating yesterday, by which time it's too late to go back.

Be present. This moment, this day, is all you really have. 

See the beauty in it.

Slow down.

Cherish the little things.

Savour the good things.

Remember that everything will pass, the good and bad.

But it's your choice which to focus on.

"Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.... 

...Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -Mark Twain

Reminders of things that matter

There is much I want to write about.

There's Bersih 2.0, and the subtle undercurrents, beneath all the drama, of a newly-sparked passion for our country among my oft-dubbed as apathetic generation.

Or a recent series of wakes and funerals I've attended and how it often takes sudden and unexpected events like these to slow us down and put things into perspective. (Why do we gather and spend so lavishly - and regretfully - upon someone's passing instead of having used that time and money to celebrate them while they were still alive?)

But there are only so many hours in a day, and other priorities and obligations to attend to, that by the time I sit down to write about these things, other events will have taken place, and the experiences of today a faded memory.

So instead, I will just be thankful for today's reminders:

Of the things that matter in life - friends, family, and a place to call home.

And to live each day with passion and purpose - a life that, in the face of the unexpected, will hold no regrets from yesterday.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination

I've been quiet for awhile. Well, by my standards at least. For someone who blogs every other day, a week without a new post is a substantial hiatus.

When I'm not blogging, it usually means I'm busy living. And this week, I have been living. The few times I did find myself staring at an empty text box below the words 'New Post' this week, I was at a loss for words to type out.

Because the thing with living is that it's pretty hard to process, to grasp, and most of all, to write down when you're caught in the middle of all its craziness. The lessons, the appreciation, the understanding for what we've gone through usually come in hindsight. Often, we only realize or understand what we've lived through after we've lived through it.

I think I've just been thrown into the middle of one of those crazy OMG-how-did-the-week-just-fly-by, sleeping-late-and-waking-up-early seasons of living, laughing, crying, loving. And I think I'm ready to face it.

After coming back from the UK absolutely drained, this past month and a half - spent giving myself time, spent paying attention to myself, spent being honest with myself, spent giving myself a chance - has been good for me.

I've come to realize that most of the time, when I tell myself "I can't", what it really means is "I won't". I won't risk failure or embarrassment or even worse, mediocrity - I won't even try because those risks are not worth it. I don't really mean "I can't" because I don't even know if I can or can't, because I've not even tried.

It dawned on me how much of my life was spent telling myself "I won't", masked by excuses of "I can't", "It's not my thing", and "I'm not good at that". I realized if I kept having the attitude of "I'm not a corporate person", "I'm an artsy person; I don't fit inside a system", and "I'm hopeless at understanding business and finance" - even before giving any of the above a chance - I was going to make myself miserable for the next three years.

I've also come to realize that I'm more afraid of success than of failure. If you've failed, as long as you've tried your hardest, then you can simply shrug it off and say I tried my best, but I guess that's not my lot in life. With success comes recognition - and scrutiny. What if... what if there are people who don't think I deserve my success? What if there are people who are jealous of me? What if there are people who try to steal my successes from me... and what if they succeed? What if I can't handle everyone looking at me and evaluating my success? It comes down, then, not to a matter of failure versus success... but a matter of self-worth.

As Marianne Williamson famously put it:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so? 

You are a child of God, small games do not work in this world. For those around us to feel peace, it is not example to make ourselves small. We were born to express the glory of God that lives in us. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us. While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others."

But these epiphanies mean nothing if my perspectives and actions don't change. So I told myself to stop telling myself "I won't" and give myself a chance. And while succeeding - really succeeding in life - scares the crap out of me, I've decided to give it 101% - everything I have in me and whatever more I can muster. To be scared, but to do it anyway, scared and all.

I'm a big advocate of facing your fears. To overcome my fear of heights and wobbly knees, I turned to Skytrex and Genting Theme Park's Space Shot. To overcome my fear of reptiles, I wrapped a python around my neck. In the future, I hope to go for a night dive to overcome my phobia of dark water, which I blame on my parents for letting me watch JAWS when I was a tiny kid. But these fears aren't as crippling as things like the fear of failing or succeeding.

Often, we don't see our avoidance of those things as fears. It's easy to address a fear of insects or lizards once you acknowledge it as a fear and take steps to overcome it. But as long as we don't admit that telling ourselves "I can't" really means we just don't want to, and that sometimes, we don't push ourselves enough because we don't really think we deserve success, then we'll never be able to overcome those mentalities.

Overcoming a problem starts with admitting there's one.

Namaste. 

(Note: I discovered the above word while writing a review for a Northern Indian restaurant. It is a reverential greeting associated with several Eastern religions, most famously Hinduism, but I believe its essence transcends religion or culture. It means "I honour the divinity within you", or "the light in me respects the light in you". Beautiful.)

The sweetest words I've heard all year

 

The past week has been an eventful one. What with the Bersih 2.0 rally, Thailand's first female prime minister (and a gorgeous one at that) being voted into office, and of course Rupert Murdoch's News of the World phone hacking scandal.

In the middle of all that, I received some other news, which, while certainly not as significant as the above, was the highlight of my year so far.

After what has been an eventful and challenging journey, I can finally say that I'm a graduate. And not only that, a graduate with first class honours.

Was it a smooth ride all the way? No. Did I feel like giving up along the way? Constantly. Were there times I felt I'd blown the chance at a 1:1 degree? Definitely, when I managed to set a personal record for my all-time lowest grade received for a module. Was it worth it? Yes. Absolutely yes.

If I had to pick one thing university taught me, it would be that there's no shortcut to success. For a straight-A student who breezed by daydreaming her way through school and college, and pretty much being good at whatever she found herself doing, be it editing, designing, or working as a barista at Starbucks, I found myself in a very different world the moment I hit university. A world in which talent and personality were just not enough. Going twenty years of one's life without really having to question your ability and being given opportunities to do things you're naturally good at doesn't really teach you a lot about the real world and the determination, discipline, and hard work you need to thrive in it.

And that is what I believe my degree is worth. Not a fancy piece of paper or a ticket to a bigger paycheck or my module grades, but a primer in Life: The Real Deal.

Lessons in learning I won't always get to do things I like, but that doesn't mean I have to hate what I do;
that community and collaboration, no matter how much of a lone ranger I may prefer to be, is crucial to navigating a world built on complex, intricate relationships;
that getting - and staying - motivated is something that you have to fight for, not something that drifts your way;
that failing is inevitable but it's not the end;
that keeping your eyes on the bigger picture is the only way to move forward;
and that simple things and the occasional distraction and indulgence keep life beautiful.

As always, I couldn't have done it alone. One of my favourite quotes, by St John of Salisbury, goes:

"We are like dwarfs sitting on the shoulders of giants. We see more, and things that are more distant, than they did, not because our sight is superior or because we are taller than they, but because they raise us up, and by their great stature add to ours."

So this is the part where I take the time to say thank you. To the mentors and tutors whose lessons expanded beyond the classroom, in particular Dawn Johnston, Ben Young, and Andy Price. The opportunity to learn under your guidance has been a tremendous privilege. Thank you.

To the friends who kept me going and saw more in me than I saw in myself at times, especially Mabel, Nazila, and Justin. You are gems of friends. Thank you.

To all the ones from home whose notes and little packages kept me going through the homesickness, thank you.

To my family, for believing me in their own unique ways that I don't appreciate enough, especially my youngest brother, whose letters and writing have been a quiet, but very real source of strength to me. Thank you.

And of course to my sponsor, YTL Corporation, for seeing something in me to bestow on me the opportunity to do something I had only dreamed of till then, and the individuals who made it happen. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. A dozen 'thank you's, silent prayers, and all the best hopes and wishes go out to all of you mentioned above. You make the journey worth it.

I will get to know the way my skin curves around my bones

(via shipwreckedinthedesert)

The start of a new chapter in life, of a transition from what was to what is - always takes me a period of reflection before I finally feel I am ready to embrace the new opportunities of the present.

And this period of reflection often brings with it the ironically familiar surprise that somewhere along the way, I've lost sight. Of who I am, why I'm here, of where I'm going, of what I want.

This new chapter of transitioning from academic life to the working world has been no different. Yesterday I learnt a new term that up till hearing it, I had no knowledge of: "quarter life crisis". I might be going through one of those now.

I'm not supposed to be so jaded at 21, or at least that's the vibe I get from most people I talk to, but since when do life experiences move in a linear pattern anyway? We live, we make mistakes, we get tired, we give up, we pick ourselves up, we learn, we move on... and the process repeats itself over and over again.

I've been in this place many times before. Different chapters, different friendships, different loves, different questions, different struggles - they were all documented somwhere, on some blog, out there in the great vast web. Because of this I've been able to look back and see how I've grown, made mistakes, learned from them, repeated a few more times than I should have, but picked myself up again.

It gets harder each time, it's true. I find myself becoming more guarded and wary of not making any mistakes so I don't go through the painful process of trying to pick myself up from another one the older I get. It happens to all of us as we grow up. Maybe it's not such a bad thing, as long as we don't wall ourselves up so completely we stop growing altogether.

So I guess this is just another one of those parts of the story where I get to start from zero all over again and redefine what's important to me in life and what I want out of it. Notice I said, "I get to". Not I don't have any choice because I don't have any cooler, more kick-ass plan figured out for my life than working a corporate 9-5 job or because there seems to be an hopeless dearth of good, single, passionate men left in the world, let alone my city.

Because I still believe that life is what we make it, and how we choose to see it. I could spend the next three years telling myself that all I have to live for is getting by with just enough, working off my bond and otherwise bumming my life away, waiting for the-powers- that-be to hand me my life's purpose or my perfect soul mate on a silver platter, since I have neither the freedom, opportunity or finances to do anything more exciting, like backpack solo around the world or open a coffeehouse.

Or I could see these three years as a gift. Time given to an intense, unpredictable, impatient, emotionally-voilatile go-getter and overachiever to slow down and let life catch up with her dreams for a bit, to enjoy her youth before it slips out of her grasp, to figure out what she really wants - what 21-year-old her wants, not what precocious 15-year-old or idealistic 18-year-old her wanted. To have her faith in humanity and hope in God restored again before she goes rushing about with the notion that she can make the world or someone else's life better.

To find the courage to face the demons she's been running from and the truth that all this while, her noble ambitions and aspirations have been nothing but attempts to prove that she was better than everyone else, and that those attempts stemmed from a deep insecurity. The truth that all her 'fearless' efforts at loving people she knew were not good for her stemmed from never really believing she could be good for anybody. The truth that the reason she secretly hated authority and the church and men was because she had been hurt by people who represented all of the above and refused to believe that maybe those people didn't represent those groups accurately. The truth that the reason she didn't have good things in her life to celebrate was not because she didn't believe they existed, but that she didn't believe she deserved them.

There's so many things I need to work on. So many things I want to work on. But if I had to pick somewhere to start, I would pick fear. I watched Green Lantern last night and although yes, it was hardly anything to shout about, what struck me was the overwhelming, total destructiveness of fear. I think mankind's greatest threat is not World War III or global warming or tangible things like that - I think our greatest enemy is fear, and the greatest battlefield is in the mind.

The most deadly, totally-consuming things are not bullets or guns or radiation or toxic waste - they are fears.

The fear that I don't matter.
The fear that nothing matters.
The fear that my life will always be this way.
The fear that nothing will change.
The fear that I will be just like my parents.
The fear that my children will be just like me.
The fear that nobody cares.
The fear that I can never bring myself to care again.
The fear that things will get worse.
The fear that I can never pick myself up from something like this.
The fear that life is a mistake.
The fear that I am a mistake.

Fear creeps in silently. But it is potent and will-crippling and mind-numbing and soul-searing. Even anger and hate, in all their explosive fieriness, stem from fear at its very core.

And only courage can overcome it.

As Carol tells Green Lantern Hal, it's not "that you are fearless. It saw that you have the ability to overcome fear. It saw that you are courageous."

Living takes courage, because living is dangerous. It's easier to survive.

It's dangerous to keep trying, again and again, for what you want. when you risk looking a fool. It's easier to settle.
It's dangerous to care because there will come times when caring will hurt. It's easier to not give a damn.
It's dangerous to change because it will be uncomfortable, difficult, and you might slip back into the same old rut, reinforcing your fear that nothing will ever change. It's easier to resign yourself to the status quo.
It's dangerous to hope because you risk disappointment. It's easier to accept the way things are.
It's dangerous to believe your life has meaning, because you will have to chase down that meaning, and when you find it, defend it at all costs, because there are those who would like nothing better to steal it from you, so they can continue surviving safely, conveniently, and comfortably, but fearfully, through life. It's easier to give in to your fears.

I'm getting tired of letting my fears dictate my life. I know I've been in this spot before and said things along this line before, but I'm not going to let the fear of making the same old mistakes and the fear of nothing ever changing stop me from deciding, again, that I'm going to let go of things that hold me back, I'm going to live my life, I'm going to find out who I am and what I want, and I'm going to colour and paint in life's meaning for myself.

 

Because I haven't written in awhile :)

Life has taught me that the saddest days are also the days you have the most reasons to smile. Because things can only get better from here, the sun can only shine brighter the next day, and when you've hit rock bottom, you can only go upwards from there. Because just as cold teaches us to appreciate warmth, and loss teaches us to appreciate what we have, sadness teaches us what it means to be happy.

Life has taught me that peace is not finding 'balance', having everything in its place, or even in quiet and solitude. There is a peace that's found in chaos and confusion, in heartache and despair - a peace that only you can give yourself. Because being at peace with the world around you starts with being at peace with yourself. It is a peace that says no matter what the world tries to take from me, the one thing it cannot take is who I am. And who I am is enough.

Life has taught me that happiness is not something that happens to you. Happiness is something you chase, and when you catch it, you do everything it takes to hold on to it. Happiness is a choice. You will find it if you seek it, but it won't come without work. Happiness doesn't come from things or accomplishments - what seems like happiness is very often just pride or security. Real happiness comes from things you can't see or put a price tag on.

Life has taught me that change is as much a part of it as is the fact that no matter what happens, the sun will always rise tomorrow, and as long as we're living, each new day is one more chance to get these lessons right.

Hello, friend

"Just admit it," I tell myself.

"You're miserable. You hate Saturday nights. Saturday nights are always the nights you feel the loneliest."

Heck, the entire weekend reminds me of everything I don't have - family and friends to spend a lazy weekend with, Sunday morning breakfasts at the coffee shop next to church, and a big hearty lunch out with friends after church.

But Saturday nights are the worst and the quietest. Everyone back home is sleeping in or at church; everyone here is spending time with their own families.

I think to myself that if only I had someone to keep me company, everything would be okay, and instantly a voice in my head retorts, "No it wouldn't."

"It's wonderful to have people in your life, but you shouldn't make them your crutches," I tell myself.

"You shouldn't let their presence - or absence - dictate your happiness. Isn't that what you're always telling others?"

I sigh. My heart is empty, and my body aching to be wrapped into a cuddle. But the voice in my head is right: I can choose to make myself happy.

So I tell myself that if no one else is going to pamper me, I'm going to.

I clean the toilet, a chore I have been procrastinating for almost a week, so that I can enjoy the rest of the evening without a 'to-do' hanging over my head.

And then I make myself a comforting, indulgent meal - Aglio Olio. Some boiled spaghetti, a few dollops of olive oil - extra virgin, a sprinkling of dried basil and oregano, and chopped garlic. It's my favorite type of pasta - simple, light, minimalist, and yet satisfying - much like the way I like to live my life.

After feeding myself, I hop into a sparkling clean bathtub for a quick shower.

Freshly showered, dressed, and full, I decide to scrap my plans of doing some writing for uni work and treat myself to a movie. I finally give in to a temptation I'd been resisting ever since I bought my Mac and become a criminal by downloading µTorrent and subsequently Chocolat and Eat, Pray, Love.

Just as I am about to hop into bed and treat myself to my first ever solo movie night in the UK, a chat message pops up from one of my favorite girls at uni.

We spend about an hour chatting and I tell her about how much of a hard time I'd been giving myself for well, having a hard time dealing with living abroad. I also bring her up to speed on my woeful tales of love, attraction, and boys.

I tell her that I am such a contradiction - I need to be free, untethered, and independent, and yet I am so helpless without a steady anchor in my life. And she tells me I am my own steady anchor.

She tells me to look back at the quiet girl who sat in shorthand class and didn't say a word to anyone, and to look at how open I am now, and how many new experiences I've had and friends I've made. She reminds me I didn't accomplish any of that because of any of the boys my head is filled with thoughts of. I did it on my own.

And I realize she is right.

As much as it's easy and appealing to hide behind other people, to revolve my world around them and stake my happiness on them, it's not fair to them and it's not fair to me. It's not fair to put the burden of knowing and being exactly what I need on someone else - when no one else can do that but me.

It's difficult. It's easier to be around other people than yourself sometimes, because being with yourself means facing the truth about who you are. And the truth about me is I'm more scared of being alone and I need more affection than I would care to admit.

But just as real friends accept you when your true colors are revealed instead of judging or criticizing,  I can choose to accept who I am. I can be a friend to myself. I can be what I need.

So tonight, needing some company, I curl up under the covers alone, say to myself, "Hello, this movie is going to be fun!" and put on Chocolat.

Two hours, plenty of giggles, and a few tears (I am a sentimental sap that way) later, I feel happier, lighter, and less alone.

In fact, I even feel inspired to bake again - a feeling I haven't felt in a long time, perhaps even as long as a year. I don't remember. But that's another post for another day.

To stop the hands of time

Was just browsing through an old blog... and I stumbled across the story of my love life, summed up in one song.

I co-wrote the lyrics to this song almost two years ago (how time flies!) with someone who meant something to me in some other chapter of my life. Funny how two years on, it still carries so much meaning.

The right person at the wrong time - that's the story of my life. And if there's anything I've learned from having to say so many goodbyes is that when it comes down to it, what makes or breaks love... is time.

wish i had a superpower
to stop the hands of time
wish the world moved a little slower
so you wouldn’t go so fast

wish you didn’t have to go
but the end is drawing nearer
would be nice if you could stay
cos i’m really gonna miss you

if i had one wish
i’d wish for you
to stay with me forever
in this moment
if i had one chance
i’d make you believe
that we can make it through if you wouldn’t leave

wish we didn’t have to wonder
bout the way it could turn out
if we had a different ending
to the page we’re writing on

i dont wanna know if your going to go

The problem with time, I've learned... is that it eventually runs out. -Dear John

"Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart." -Three Weeks with My Brother, Nicholas Sparks

"We sit silently and watch the world around us. This has taken a lifetime to learn. It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence. It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox." -The Notebook, Nicholas Sparks

"My daddy said, that the first time you fall in love, it changes you forever and no matter how hard you try, that feeling just never goes away." -The Notebook, Nicholas Sparks

How to be alone

"...take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching because they’re probably not. And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats, is after-all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating. And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things. Down your back, like a book of blessings."

"...Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after awhile nobody is dating them.

But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.

You can stand swathed by groups and mobs or hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.

But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.

It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relived, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things in reach, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it."