you keep dancing

"...though we can't undo what has been done, we can choose to begin again. to stand in the sun and let the shadows fall behind us. to throw off our shame, fear and anger. to see our beauty and our brokenness." // Freeway

"When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It's to enjoy each step along the way." // Wayne Dyer

"What is the point of doing XtraMile and everyone out there thinking you're suchhh a hero when you couldn't even care about this relationship?!?" I screamed. And even as those hurtful, sarcasm-drenched words came out of my mouth, I felt a pang in my chest because those words sounded exactly like words that my parents have said to me before. Words that I swore never to repeat to anyone else.

"You are involved in so many activities, you serve in church, you're a leader and everyone thinks you are soooo angelic, and you can't even clean up your room or listen to your parents?!?" Ouch.

I remember that feeling well - the pain of disappointing the people closest to you, of giving your best but somehow, your best intentions get lost in translation and is completely lost on those nearest and dearest to you. No amount of encouragement and compliments from the rest of the world makes a difference when you feel like those closest to you don't even believe in you. And here I was, making someone else feel that exact same way.

If you're like me, you're a people-pleaser. You genuinely live to put a smile on someone else's face. And you want to be a world-changer. You will pour your heart and soul into a cause if you believe it will change things. But sometimes, in the midst of all the people-pleasing and world-changing, we end up hurting the ones we love the most. Somehow, when life accelerates to top speed, we tend to neglect the simple things. Like saying "Good morning". Like hugs and kisses. Like dinner together.

So often, we assume that those dear to us should just "know" the amount of things of our plate and understand that our priorities need to be "slightly" readjusted "temporarily". But perspective is always subjective, and it's easier to see things from just one point of view. We assume because they know us so well, they will be more understanding and forgiving. But often, when conflict erupts, we find out along the way that even those closest to us don't understand or know how much we are struggling to cope.

It takes one sarcastic remark that spilled over from a stressful day at work to trigger a full-blown three hour argument. But equally, it takes one small "I'm really tired - I need your help with this" to help the other person understand what you're going through. It's those small remarks that make all the difference between a relationship growing stronger or falling apart when life hurls incredible pressure your way.

Yet knowing those things doesn't make it any easier to take the high ground. Knowing that an honest answer is better than a sarcastic one doesn't stifle that human impulse to just want to vent my frustration somewhere, anywhere, and most often it ends up directed towards those closest person around.

Life happens. Arguments happen. So how do we deal with it? One of my colleagues shared this perspective, after going through a tough season with her daughter: "I tell myself that people act their worst, with those they feel the safest with. That's because they know that no matter how bad things get, you won't walk away from them."

And it's true. So often, we react to conflict defensively, because we feel like we're being targeted. But very often, the conflict arises when one side is desperately trying to reach out for help, but is being misread. Conflict happens because two parties care. Otherwise, it would be easier to walk away.

There have been many times I've felt like running away from relationships. Like giving up on trying to build bridges and communicating because sometimes it feels like the other party is not putting in as much effort as I am. But I'm learning that relationships - whether at work, with family, or with my partner - cannot be about counting and comparing. Nobody wins that way. Rather, a relationship is a balancing act, a dance. Both parties take turns supporting each other, accommodating each other, forgiving each other. One of the pastors in the church I go to said, "When you work with people, toes are bound to get stepped on. But when that happens, you can complain, or you can dance with it."

And I'm learning that sometimes, you choose not to walk away, not because you don't ever get hurt. You stay because somehow, in the midst of all the hurt, you've found a safe place. You've found someone who may not always agree with you, but who cares deeply. You've found someone who may not always meet your expectations, but whom you can trust.

So what do I do after a three-hour long argument that stretches into the wee hours of the morning, right after the adrenaline and exhaustion of a hectic XtraMile weekend, knowing that a few hours later, I have to be back in the office, planning for two more upcoming huge events that are just a couple days away? I shed a few frustrated tears, let out a sigh, take a deep breath, say sorry, wash my face, go to bed... and just start all over again. For as long as you can keep finding that safe place, somehow, you can can keep trying again. With the relationships that really matter, you always find a way to start again, and you keep dancing. 

Why I stopped waiting for someday

"You will always be waiting for tomorrow if you don’t start living for today. You will always be waiting for the next big thing to come: the job, the degree, the partner, the house, the time to travel, the money. Once you get into the mindset of perpetually waiting, you’ll also fall into the habit of not being okay with things as they are. More likely than not, you will get most of those things, and when they come, you won’t enjoy them because you will only be looking forward to the next thing. You may retaliate with, well, there’s nothing to be happy about now, but you have to learn to make it for yourself. You have to learn to see it." // Thought Catalog

Last week, I went on one of the best holidays of my life. You know, one of those totally-unplanned-spontaneous-random kind of vacations. The kind that involves trying many things for the first time, from walking along Welsh seaside cliffs in the summer to visiting an aquarium alone, to wandering through Camden Town, to trying out new hipster coffee joints in London; the kind that involves travelling alone, travelling with friends, and making many new friends along the way.

I don't know why I waited so long to take such a holiday. In fact, I didn't deliberately take the holiday - it more of came to me, suggested and encouraged by people along the way who probably knew I was in dire need of a long overdue break.

I'd been telling myself I don't have the budget to go away somewhere and enjoy myself, that my team at work needed me too much for me to possibly think of escaping for a week, that a holiday wouldn't be as fun without my partner or close friends, and that travelling alone was lonely (I'd travelled alone last year, and while I enjoyed most of it, I hated being alone at night, long plane / train / bus rides solo, and standing alone at cold, windy train stations with no warm arm to hold on to).

And so I was subconsciously waiting. Waiting for the ideal situation to get away. Waiting for things to settle down at work. Waiting to save 'enough'. Waiting for friends to block out the dates on their busy calendars so we could plan a getaway together. Waiting to get married, even, silly as it sounds, so I could travel conveniently with my other half.

In hindsight, it seems ridiculous. I don't know how I could've tried so hard to resist a getaway that was so deliciously refreshing and soul-rejuvenating, because it's taught me so much.

I've learned that my team can survive a week without me. That I don't need to be with my best buddies or be married to find fun travelling companions. That somehow even on a tiny budget, enough comes along once you make the decision to go. Wow, big surprises there.

I've learned that it's okay to have fun alone. That having fun alone doesn't mean you don't think about the ones you left behind any less; that it's possible to enjoy yourself and miss someone at the same time; that you're not caring any less by doing that; that by doing so, you're making the most of the only thing you have any real control over - where you are right now, in the present. And I think I've finally stopped telling myself I have commitment issues, and accepted the fact that it is completely possible to be both independent and attached at the same time. I can choose to stay tied to my roots, while not letting them dictate my happiness or state of mind.

I've learned that making new friends means more people to say 'goodbye' to, and while goodbyes are never fun, they are bearable. I used to be the kind of emotionally stunted person who started distancing myself every time another friend started making plans to go abroad, because I just didn't know how to say goodbye. I suppose in some way, I was trying to protect myself from the yucky feelings that come with goodbyes. But I've learned that sometimes just blurting out "OMG I'm going to miss you!" makes the yucky feelings slightly more bearable. And it also brings you that much closer to people.

I've been reminded that I don't spend close to enough time alone. That there's so much self-searching and reflection that can be done in a simple hour-long walk around the neighbourhood on a blustery day.

I've learned that strangers can make for pretty good conversation, once I forget my shyness and Asian paiseh-ness and just speak my mind or initiate a greeting first.

I've learned that go-with-the-flow doesn't have to be stressful - that it's possible to plan to have no plans, and let things catch you by surprise! That I don't have to have a meltdown if I got on the wrong Tube line but I can spend my time people-watching the interesting characters around me; and that if plans fall through to meet one friend I can always schedule a meeting with another.

Most importantly, I've learned that while sometimes waiting is good because it teaches you patience, other times, waiting is simply living in denial. If it's an ideal situation we're waiting for, it will never come.

I've learned that life is all about choices. We choose to be as content or happy as we want to be. We choose to be as calm and exuberant about each day as we want to be. We choose to be as busy or stressed as we want to be. We choose to work as fast or walk as slowly or love as hard as we want to. We choose to see things as we want to see them.

And we choose if we want to keep waiting for 'someday' or 'The One' to come, or if we want to get up and make today a special, beautiful, wonderful day, and to love the ones we do have in our lives right now.

To sum it up with a quote from the wise ol' Albert Einstein, here's why sometimes we just can't afford to wait any longer and just gotta get with it:

Gentle, quiet days

You know you're too busy...

...if you've forgotten the last time you saw a sunset.

...if you don't remember what it feels like to answer the question with "How are you?" with anything but "Busy but good!"

...if you've forgotten what a home cooked meal feels like.

...if the only thing your conversations revolve around is work.

Not too long ago, I was having one of those "too busy" seasons. I told myself I was being productive, that this was normal, that I was busy because I was being a useful person. But as anyone who has been too busy knows, there is nothing productive and normal about feeling constantly rushed, hurried, impatient, and edgy.

I'm thankful for a boyfriend who cares enough to speak the truth to me, even if it sometimes stings. "You know, there's this saying - beware the barrenness of a busy life," he said to me, following one of my mini-breakdowns. I was feeling exhausted and drained - physically and emotionally - and I was in reactive mode,  simply responding to urgent things that needed to be done rather than taking charge of my to-do list and operating from a sense of vision and priority.

At times like that, you know it's time to pull the emergency brakes... or risk hurtling full speed towards disaster.

It's not easy making space for downtime - there is always something to do, something to meet up with, some errand to run, and the list goes on.

Fortunately, I have an amazing boyfriend. In full support of me getting some sanity back into my life (for his own sanity as well!), he cleared his calendar just as I cleared mine, and we took a little trip on a Saturday morning for some time out and just doing nothing together.

Days like these are seriously underrated. People don't talk enough about what a world of good it does - for clarity of mind, for renewed motivation, for one's self-esteem, for one's sense of purpose - to have days of just taking the time to rest, to recharge, to unplug from all the doing and to just be. 

To take time for a cuppa without a phone in hand, trying to reply e-mails at the same time, but to look another person in the eyes and have a full conversation without being interrupted by notifications and message alerts. Days where the noise of the world fades out, even if only for a little while, and you hear your heart whisper a little bit louder. Days that are gentle enough to remind you what breathing feels like.

Days to lose track of time, and enjoy the sweet simplicity of the bright blue skies, the scent of rain, and little trinkets of nature. To get lost in how small I really am when I look up and look around. To remember that in spite of my accomplishments and titles and my occasionally inflated sense of self-importance, I am only a small part of a bigger picture.

Days for holding hands... and for knowing that my heart is held as well, safely in the arms of a Creator who created me for doing good works - but also for enjoying the rest He gives.

“Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." -Jeremiah 6:16

It dawned on me recently that I've been working for almost 3 years now. In recent months, I've started giving a portion of my income to my parents every month, I've signed up for an insurance policy, and I will be paying income tax for the first time this year! 

In the crossroads of growing up and learning what it means to be an adult (ohmygosh!), I'm realising that it's not the big, life-changing moments that define the kind of adult I'm growing into. It's the little actions, the every day tasks, the simple conversations with those around me that form habits, perspectives, and patterns of thinking and acting. 

I earnestly want the habits and patterns I'm forming to be the good ones. I want to be the kind of adult in the future that I would want to have as a mentor today.

And so I'm learning that rest is an important discipline to cultivate! Better now at the peak of my health than later, when it might be too late to reverse certain effects of neglecting to rest. I want the years that go by to produce in me a soul that is fuller, livelier, more at rest, more contented, more peaceful, rather than a soul that has allowed bitterness, cynicism, tiredness, compromise, or disillusionment to creep in. 

"Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls." -Matthew 11:29 

The art of rest

There are times a crisis hits, and times we cry out for a breakthrough.

And then there are times that we feel almost guilty asking for a breakthrough, almost ashamed of ourselves for not being able to cope, because after all, we're not going through a storm - surely we should be able to hold it together. Yet slowly we feel that we're sinking, being pulled under by meetings, deadlines, to-dos, and day-to-day demands on our time and energy. Like quicksand, this often happens a bit at a time that we don't even realise it, and all of a sudden we find ourselves neck-deep in over-commitment, double-booked calendars, and frenzied multitasking.

At times like that, it feels foolish to ask God for help. Surely I should be able to manage my time better, discipline myself better, continually bask and abide in His strength and presence and love - if other people can cope with the same demands and pressures of life, why can't I? Who am I to ask for special favour and respite from the busyness when other people have to deal with so much more?

But I ask anyway, because I've read that His burden is easy and His yoke is light. And I've heard His voice saying, "Come to me, all ye who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest". So in the midst of my frantic day, as I try to hold it together on this outside, my heart inside is begging God for just a bit of space to breathe.

That's all, God. I'm not asking for a giant miracle or a fiery pillar in the sky. I'm not testing you by setting out a fleece and asking you to prove to me that this is where I'm meant to be, this is what You've called me to. I know You are real. I know You exist. I know You have called me here. It's just my heart is heavy and my hands are tired, and I just want to know You're going to hold me if I start to fall apart. 

And He answers. Not by a bright, blazing message in the stars, not in a mighty voice or a wondrous sign, but in the still, in the quiet. In a meeting that ended unexpectedly early. In a slow drive home and space alone, to think and reflect. In half an hour to grab some coffee and read - slowly, savouring each word, without skimming or speed-reading like I've become so good at doing. He answers in creating time to take a dip for the very first time since I've moved house in the swimming pool at  my condo. In the first home cooked dinner in months, in being able to sit in the living room and listen to my younger brother practice his guitar and realise how good at it he's become.

As I submerge my body beneath the cool water and the noise of the world fades to silence, and all I hear is my breathing and the sound of air bubbles climbing their way to the water's surface, as I listen to gentle melodies strummed from the guitar, as I slide my fingers over the textured pages of a book and inhale its old, familiar scent, as I hear pots and pans clanking and smell a hearty meal cooking away, I feel a little bit more human, a little bit more myself.

The good can be the enemy of the best

I'm reminded of a prayer that an Elizabethan sea captain and legendary explorer once prayed:

Disturb us, Lord, when with the abundance of things we possess we have lost our thirst for the waters of life; Having fallen in love with life, we have ceased to dream of eternity. And in our efforts to build a new earth, we have allowed our vision of the new heaven to dim.

The good can be the enemy of the best, it's often been said. And it's in this feeling like falling apart that I'm learning not to lose sight of what really matters. In my efforts to lead a full, productive, meaningful life, I need to remember the importance of things like rest. I need to pay more attention not to what the world is saying - that I need to do more in order to be more, but to what He's saying, and has always been saying: that His final gift of creation, His pièce de résistance, is rest. His fourth commandment, the command that bridges the first three (how to relate to God), and the remaining six (how to relate to other people), was given to help us relate to both God and people better.

"Remember the Sabbath, to keep it holy..." By honouring the Sabbath, a day of rest, of surrender, we are recognising that the world doesn't go round because of our efforts. We are acknowledging a greater Source to it all. We are remembering that our time and our days don't belong to us, but to Him. That it is our duty to steward that time wisely. That in our efforts to make the world a better place, it is still not our home, and only in knowing that are we able to let go of the cares and worries of this world and find a deeper, truer rest that comes from knowing where we're going.

In today's 24/7 world, we feel almost embarrassed to admit that we need a break. As if resting is something only slackers and lazy people people do. But it takes a certain strength and grace to go against that current, just drop everything, and tune out to reconnect with what really matters. Yes, God gave me extra time today, but I also had to do my part - I said no to other things I could have filled it up with, and I cleared my calendar for dedicated rest.

It is an art to carve out pockets of time and space for your soul to just breathe. Popular author Stephen Covey calls this art "sharpening the saw", and this ancient art is probably the antidote for all of our 21st century problems - burnout, the collapse of relationships, depression, and all the modern illnesses related to chronic stress.

"Come to me, all ye who are heavy laden..." This invitation is open to all, if only we would take it. He is always there, speaking in the silence, if only we would listen. 

Lessons from Anna Karenina: "Privileges and duties."

I recently watched the film Anna Karenina, a dark and intense study on the human emotions of love, lust, jealousy, betrayal, forgiveness, and selfishness. Based on the novel by Russian writer Leo Tolstoy, the plot revolves around married aristocrat Anna Karenina, who gets involved in an affair with the affluent and charming Count Vronsky.

When her husband eventually found out about the affair, he confronts her in the most gracious and gentle way, and tells her, "I want you not to meet that man here, and to conduct yourself so that neither the world nor the servants can reproach you... not to see him. That's not much, I think. And in return you will enjoy all the privileges of a faithful wife without fulfilling her duties."

Two words from that line especially struck me. Privileges and duties. 

Just like the famous quote from Spiderman, "With great power comes great responsibility," with every privilege comes a duty. With every blessing, a commitment is required. And when we try to shed ourselves of the 'burden' of duty, of commitment, of faithfulness, we end up in a dark spiral downwards, as Anna found herself in.

It got me thinking that the human soul was never made to handle limitless success, power, and privilege. Our mortal souls and volatile emotions cannot handle abundance without boundaries. Laws and guidelines, rather than restricting our privileges, help us fully enjoy them in a manner that we are actually capable of. And the more committed, the more duty-bound, and the more faithful we are, we find that the greater our capacity becomes to enjoy the blessings we have.

Some of the "freest" people, who seemingly have all the liberty and privilege to do what they please, when they please, as they please - are also the most deeply unsatisfied because no matter how they chase after their desires and passions, it is never enough, just like the attention Anna received from Count Vronsky was never enough. She constantly battled the inner demons that reminded her of how deeply unsatisfied she felt, eventually taking her own life in despair.

On the contrary, the happiest, most contented people I know are people who are faithful, consistent, trustworthy, dependent, stable. Their lives are uncomplicated, their motives are undivided, their hearts are devoted. That's the kind of person I want to be. I have not always been a faithful person in the past, and I used to find myself saying a lot, "I'm good at starting things but not so great at finishing them."

This year, I've let go of many things that are just not so much a priority, so I can invest myself fully - my time, my energy, my emotions - on the things that are priorities. Because I don't just want to start those things well, or even finish well, but to do the in-between well too.

Growing up as a pastor's kid and a homeschooler, freedom and independence was something I used to fight and claw my way for as a teen. I used to think, I can't wait to start working, so I'll have an income to spend as I like, freedom from parents, and I can finally travel the world, make my own decisions and do things the way I want to do them.

Now, as a young working adult, a little bit older and wiser, I've come to learn the hard way that freedom without limits just isn't worth it. That there is more joy and peace found in doing things the right way. That you cannot put a pricetag on integrity and being able to go to bed at night with your soul at rest because you know in your heart that you are right with God. That is to me, more precious and priceless than all other privileges I could ever have.

Be still

there are days to do, to leap, to risk, to run, to go

and there are days to be still.

to honour the silence

the pause

the void

the emptiness

the lack

the uncertainty

to linger in that space between what was

and what is coming

to be aware and reminded that things are changing

and that space

is an opportunity to celebrate

but also to let go of what was

and to recharge

to prepare for

to embrace

what's coming ahead. 

Hope is...

hope...

is not ignoring the past,

is not running away from the pain,

is not denying no mistakes were made.

hope... 

is not being naive, 

is not being oblivious to the unanswered questions.

but hope is coming to that fork in the road...

and saying yes

to starting afresh,

to believing again,

to the possibility that tomorrow will be a better day. 

hope is trying again where you have failed,

is loving again when you have been burned,

is believing again what you have doubted. 

hope is letting go of the need to have all the answers,

to have everything tied up into pretty, controllable, understandable, tidy little packages,

and diving in and embracing the beautiful, messy, chaotic truth

that i am not done with my changes

that getting lost and finding my way back again,

that being taken apart and being put back again,

that falling and getting up again,

is part of the journey. 

and hope is saying,

i don't know if i can make it, i don't know if i have what it takes, 

but okay,

i'm ready

to begin again. 

you are my hideaway

God knows exactly how much we can take, and exactly what we need, even better than we do ourselves.

the past month has been such a reminder of that truth. i've gone through challenges i never thought i'd be able to handle, i've felt totally exhausted and like i was running on empty... but He is faithful and His grace is sufficient. just when i think i'm about to burn out or crumble, little stolen pockets of time here, an encouraging word there - and i find enough to keep pressing on.

yesterday, i wasn't sure if i'd have to work through the public holiday. i'd been wanting to check out an amazing new little coffeehouse in ipoh, but i didn't want to get my hopes up. but thursday dawned bright... and it was off to ipoh! the entire day, from clear blue skies to clear stretches of highway, to a getaway from the city in a getaway car, from a quaint cafe named burps and giggles (and maybe a few actual burps and giggles), to books and journals, from great conversation over cups of coffee, to comfort food while watching a thunderstorm, from a quiet, sleepy 'lazy lane', to awe-inspiring thunder and lightning displays... everything in the day felt specially, uniquely, made for me. crafted with my name on it.

i asked for a break... but wow... little did i expect it to be such a 'me' kind of break! i was reminded again that not only does God give enough grace, strength, and love for each day... but there are times He also gives exceedingly, abundantly, more than enough.

yesterday was such a reminder of what it means to be His child. as a loving parent, He will never spoil us, and is always trying to teach us something new and help us grow out of our comfort zones. there are times we feel stretched, and tested and it seems almost beyond what we think we can bear.

yet at the same time, He is the same God who also wants to shower us so lavishly with good gifts. yet He won't do it before bringing me through a journey first... so that when He actually gives me those gifts, i know how to appreciate them. what a waste it would be to have all the finest things in the world... and be so oblivious to the source of all of them.

"You are my hiding place." -Psalm 32:7

there are a million steps

Modified from original image by Jo@net

"...life is complex, and the idea that you can break it down or fix it in a few steps is rather silly.

The truth is there are a million steps, and we don’t even know what the steps are, and worse, at any given moment we may not be willing or even able to take them; and still worse, they are different for you and me and they are always changing. 

I have come to believe the sooner we find this truth beautiful, the sooner we will fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him, teaching us to not rely on easy answers, bullet points, magic mantras, or genies in lamps, but rather rely on His guidance, His existence, His mercy, and His love."

-Donald Miller, Searching for God Knows What

who owns my mornings?

"Who owns our mornings? 

When we wake up.. how much time do we allow ourselves before letting our minds wander like stray ponies? 

Do we rush off into our day..? or do we linger a moment in place that belongs entirely to our soul - an embrace with our breath, with our being here, with our own skin, our own eyes, our own hands and voice. 

Often times, I am too distracted to give myself this gift.. to spend a few moments remembering my condition; my impermanence, my dying, my undeserved still here." // andrew tipton, for the love of motion

i once read a quote somewhere: "runners wake up before the sun rises."

part of the beauty of running, for me, is the waking up before the sun rises. is seeing the world from a different perspective, watching sunlight creep through treetops and in between buildings and illuminate the road you're on. is rounding a bend and coming across a sunrise in full blaze framed by the twin towers, or watching an eagle spread its magnificent wings above you. is passing joggers on their morning routes and that moment of recognising - ah, here's another fellow traveler - when your eyes meet, and you smile or nod - or maybe if you're the type, run over to give a high five. ;) the beauty of waking up early is hearing the things you never would hear, stuck in a car in a traffic jam - birds chirping, leaves rustling... even hearing yourself breathe brings you back to how frail we all are and to the startling impermanence of life. you don't need to travel to discover the sudden moments that take your breath away... they come, often, when you're not looking for them. i've encountered moments of astounding clarity, double rainbows, and powerful life lessons quite unexpectedly, on the road.

it is so easy to get caught up in the rush and bustle of the daily 9 - 6 grind that we forget there is stillness and quiet and little miracles waiting to unfold in every single day. it is so easy to get so caught up in productivity and achievement that we forget how fragile we are, how fleeting this life is. to me, owning my mornings - whether it's waking up before the sun rises to run, or waking up before the morning traffic builds up to spend some quiet time alone in the office - is the lifeblood of living intentionally. owning my mornings and determining the pace at which i will begin - and continue - my day is a rebellion against the noise and distraction that tells me i should do more, push harder, or slow down, take it easy... anything that would threaten to pull me away from the pace i know is right for me.

i picked up a book recently that talked about the importance of flow. too few challenges and we end up bored, apathetic, and unstimulated. too many challenges, and we drive ourselves towards burnout and running on empty. flow is the delicate balance between both extremes. finding that balance involves both discipline and acceptance. discipline to push through challenges - when you know you can. acceptance of your limits - when you know you've reached them. it's trusting the stiller, quieter, deeper, inner voice instead of what's going on all around you. flow is when you wake up in the morning - ready for the day ahead; and when you close your eyes at night - having made peace with everything that has taken place in that day, and in anticipation for the next day.

***

this morning's listening:



“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” -Matthew 11:28-30

accidentally in love

the other day, someone referred to me as "crystal the runner". when i heard that, i wanted to burst into laughter, because one year ago, the thought would have seemed so ridiculous, so improbable.

one year ago, i hated running and could barely run for more than ten minutes without stopping. since then, i've grown from running only to exercise and keep fit - to absolutely enjoying it, and wanting to continually increase my distance and speed.

one year ago, i only joined standard chartered's 10k race only because a friend had to pull out and was looking to sell her bib, so i thought i'd give it a shot (fully expecting to have to walk half the way!). but not only did i run the 10k all the way to the end, surprising myself - i have not stopped running since, surprising myself even more! i've done a couple 10ks and three 21ks - but more recently, in the past month, i've discovered run for the nation and have done a series of 5k prayer runs with them.

the story of how i 'accidentally' fell in love with running is a very close one to my heart - because it is intertwined with the story of how i fell in love with two things all over again in the past year - my country, and my God.

one year ago, i felt completely adrift. i had just returned from the uk and coming back to malaysia meant coming back to a whole new life, a whole new set of friends - and a job that i didn't choose for myself, but one that i was bonded to because of my scholarship. i felt like a random piece of driftwood bobbing about on waves in the middle of nowhere, with nothing to anchor me down. at the time, practically my whole circle of close friends were overseas while i was settling back here. i felt like malaysia was not the place i was meant to be, that something was wrong, because i felt so out of place.

one year ago, i stopped going to church for a few months because i felt like such a hypocrite. me, the christian church girl, who had grown up serving in church, for whom church had always been a second home, found myself questioning everything i believed and wanting to run away from it all when i couldn't find the answers i was looking for.

and one year (and a bit) later, everything has changed. i mean, everything. has. changed.

someone said to me the other day (after cracking joke after joke about frogs), "i can't help it! when i look at you, i see... frog!" (i work in an amazing company called FrogAsia, for the record.) i was like... "gee, thanks." but inwardly, i knew that flippant statement was already a testimony of how i'd gone from resenting my job to being absolutely passionate about what i do. i've been catching up with a number of random people who ask me what i've been up to lately because "it seems you're really enjoying your life / your job!". an old college mate that i haven't talked to for years said to me the other day, "you seem to be really close to God".

hearing these things blew me away. my first reaction is always a slightly amused, incredulous one. "do you have any idea where i was at last year?!?!"

and as i've been sharing with these people how i've changed, and grown, in the past year, i realise it's a story i'm so, so grateful for. i'd gone from feeling lost... to being found. from being unsure of who i was... to finding my identity. from feeling like i was in the wrong place... to feeling like this is exactly where i'm meant to be.

something changed along the way, between july 2011 and today. and you know what - it wasn't some dramatic change. i look back, and all i see is night after lonely night of questioning... talking at the ceiling. lunch break after lunch break sitting alone in my cubicle, reading blogs and stories of people who seemed to have discovered what it meant to live a good life, and wondering if some day i could discover the same. moment after moment of feeling like running away but willing myself to stay. sarcastic comment after sarcastic comment that i chose not to say. complaint after complaint that i chose not to focus on. step after step that i kept taking even though i was bored out of my mind.

it wasn't in the extraordinary - but somewhere in the routine, mundane, ordinary grind of life that i discovered what it meant to really live. it's not about finding that one thing or that one job or that one person or that one place to give you passion and meaning. life doesn't work that way! it's not about external circumstances at all.

i'd read so many quotes about how "life is what you make of it" and self-help books about accepting personal responsibility and all that jazz - but i think it's one thing to know these things, and quite another thing to live these things. i think in the past year, i really lived a lot of the things i knew. i went from knowing them up there in my head, to understanding them in my heart.

as i let go of my selfish plans, dreams, ambitions, goal, wants - as i kept trying to stop pursuing temporary distractions and instant gratification in light of a longer-term vision - something happened. my cluttered, chaotic life full of questions and worries and fears and doubts slowly turned into a spacious one as i let go of unhealthy habits, attitudes, and perspectives. and that made room for God to put new ones in.

jonathan fields, one of my favorite bloggers / authors, who pioneered the good life project, has a great way of explaining the journey i've gone through:

when you're mission-centric (focused on the why) and medium-agnostic (indifferent about the how, and the what) - things start happening. 'coincidences' occur. sparks ignite. the right people cross your paths. the right doors open.

and as you're reading this, you're doing one of two things: either going "i know exactly what you mean!" or "what the heck is she talking about - what nonsense!". if you're the second, can i just say - just try it. stop saying you can't do this or that. just try not putting limitations on yourself for once. try doing that thing you swore you'd 'never' do. try it and see what happens.

because i promise you, i never got to this place wanting to be in the field of education. i never wanted to work a corporate 9-6 job. i never planned to run 21k and keep planning to run further distances. i never planned to be this person who can't help but talk about God all the time (sometimes i feel like omg i've become one of those super churchy, holy people - what is wrong with me?!?).

and i'll tell you what changed. letting go of my ideas, my plans, my dreams, my goals, my desires (the how and the what) - and asking God, "God why did you place me here? i don't care what you want me to do anymore - but just show me why i'm here"... made room for Him to place His ideas, His plans, His dreams, His goals, and His desires into my heart. and they have been exceedingly, abundantly, above all that i could have wanted or dreamed up on my own.

today, i work with great people, i lead a great media & communications team (that continues to grow as we hire new people), i am actually excited about reading my Bible every day and going to church every week (although i still find it incredibly weird saying that out loud or in writing), and i am aiming to run 30km this weekend (the furthest i will have run yet). and i have having an incredibly fun time. it's really not about the how - it's about the why.

why? to be surrounded by new friends who challenge me and speak the tough truth, in love, into my life. why? to come a place where i can share my story to mentor and inspire others. why? to learn discipline and patience and endurance, which i am terrible at. why? to learn to stop limiting myself, because God doesn't limit me. why? to see that things are changing in our country, and i get to be a part of that change. why? because every single person matters. why? because the journey is as important as the destination. why? why? why?

i pray you'll find the courage and strength to ask yourself the tough questions too. and the answers won't come immediately. sometimes it'll take months. sometimes years. we all have our own journeys to make, and they're never easy ones. but from my experience, for what it's worth, the journey is always, always worth it. :)

winds of change

"walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet

towards home, a land that i've never seen

i am changing; less and less asleep

made of different stuff than when i began"

// brooke fraser, shadowfeet

"one does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore." // christopher columbus

“for what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. there’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. you can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. we can make the best or the worst of it. i hope you make the best of it. and i hope you see things that startle you. i hope you feel things you never felt before. i hope you meet people with a different point of view. i hope you live a life you’re proud of. if you find that you’re not, i hope you have the courage to start all over again.” 

// the curious case of benjamin button 

"when we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. the challenge will not wait. life does not look back." // paulo coelho

"i have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer i who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which i now live in the flesh i live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." // galatians 2:20

these days, i often find myself wishing i could block out a whole day to just sit down, reflect, ponder, and journal about the experiences i've been going through and the lessons i've been learning. but at the same time, i catch myself and realise that this season of intense activity, steep learning curves, and a flurry of new experiences is one that will run its course. and a season for slowing down and reflecting will come, in time.

these days, i'm challenging myself to stop saying that i'm busy all the time - but instead challenging myself to say that i'm going through a steep learning curve (emphasis on the learning bit, not the steep bit!). because i know busyness is not about the amount of things i have on my plate but about my attitude and perspective to it.

honestly, sometimes when i step back and look at all that i'm juggling on a daily basis, from work to serving to building community and friendships - and wanting to pursue excellence in all that i do - it's a little daunting. i sometimes wonder if i am biting off more than i can chew when people tell me i'm doing too much, that i need to be careful not to burn out or wear myself out. i question if i've gotten my priorities right when i work late nights, when i don't see my family for days on end even though we live in the same house, when i'm attempting to run my first 30km race and move house in the same week.

but in the rare moments of quiet, in being stuck in morning traffic or creeping into a dark house late at night - i know in my heart of hearts that where i am in this season is exactly where i'm meant to be. in spite of everything, i wake up every morning looking forward to the day ahead and every time my head touches the pillow, i am thankful for the day that has gone past. i used to struggle with not being able to fall asleep for years, but these days, wherever i am, the moment i close my eyes i drift into a restful sleep.

i know that i did not get to this place easily. i gave up a lot to get here. certain interests, friends, relationships, ways of spending my time, dreams, goals, plans had to go - not because they suddenly stopped being important to me - but because other things became more important. i know that i got here with a lot of wrestling, a lot of questioning, a lot of soul-searching.

in all of this, i thank God for the routine bits of life, like repetitive tasks and daily commutes to and fro work - we often see them as draining and soul-sucking, but i have come to see them as an opportunity for lots of self-reflection. and i thank God for the challenging bits of life, like massive projects running concurrently at work, and having to juggle many different hats, and having to go from reporting to someone to learning how to lead a team, and pulling late-nighter after late-nighter - not to look like the employee of the year or in efforts to climb the ladder - but because you're in this with your team, and because you believe in the vision you are all working towards. because i've come to see these challenges as opportunities to learn discipline, patience, and endurance.

i know that this is where i'm meant to be because i look at the person i was one year ago and i know that i'm not the same person, because of everything i've gone through. so much has changed. and for the better. i know without a doubt that while i'm still far from perfect, i love better, i am more patient, more accepting, more at peace with myself and with the circumstances around me, less fearful, less resentful, less selfish.

above all, i am more thankful. thankful for seasons in life and how they teach me to accept and surrender to the ebb and flow of life. i'm thankful for this season, because it has taught me like never before that i have a God that is good - and even though sometimes it seems like the struggles we go through are enormous, He never gives us more than we can take. if He throws us huge challenges, it's only because He sees us through His eyes - as all that we can be, not just who we are right now.

of pacing, and encouragement

what an amazing week has flown by! it's been an intense, crazy week that's involved surviving every night on less than 4 hours of sleep (not that i'm advocating it!), running 24km in one day, a lot of soul-searching, a lot of praying, a lot of worship practice / jamming sessions, a lot of speaking into people's lives and challenging them to grow, and a lot of allowing people to speak into my life and challenge me to grow.

just thought i'd share two key takeaways (have developed this very good habit of jotting down key takeaways, which has been inculcated in us by my ever-amazing boss, lou) that i've learnt from this crazy, hectic, amazing week, for anyone who's going through similar learning curves:

1. pace
there is a time for everything. there is a time to work hard, and a time to rest. a time for going all out, and a time for holding back. a time for speaking up, and a time to stay silent. i've been learning more and more to let go and accept it when things don't go as planned or when things don't work out the way i want them to. i'm learning that sometimes good things fall apart - so that better things can fall together.

i'm learning the importance of recognising seasons - of being centered and rooted enough to know what season i am in, and ignore the voices that tell me - i should slow down, or i should do more. i've run 3 runs in the past week (the pj half marathon - 21km, run for the nation - 15km, and nike training run - 9km), and had an amazing time running all of them, compared to all the other runs i've ever done before. i told myself that this time, i wouldn't run to overtake others - that i'd run at my own pace - at a pace i know i can run consistently. and i told myself i wanted to run not to merely cross the finish line, but i wanted to run so that i'd have enough energy to sprint past it. i wanted my finish to be stronger than my start - even if it meant letting others overtake me at first.

and i'm seeing how important that attitude is towards life as well - we need to know exactly where we are, and focus on getting our pace right - regardless of how everyone else around us is doing. we're meant to run our own race, to fight our own battles. the more we understand and accept the season that we are in, the more we are able to sense intuitively when we need to slow down to breathe, or speed up to push ourselves - the more we're able to just enjoy the journey and make it strong to the end.

2. encouragement
this week i've had multiple people tell me that i inspire them. i've run and prayed with people who said - thank you for the motivation - we couldn't have done it without you. that blew me away, because i didn't do anything this week besides try to run my own race and stick to my own path. yeah, i offered small words of encouragement - 'you can do it!', 'good job!', and 'keep going!' - but anyone else could have said those things as well.

and i'm learning that sometimes the most encouraging thing you can do for someone else is just showing up. is just living your own life to the fullest and hoping that somewhere along the way, someone will catch it too. sometimes you don't need to be the most eloquent or the most accomplished. sometimes all it takes is a simple smile. sometimes all it takes is being present with someone else, in whatever they're going through, to give them that tiny boost - which makes all the difference. and i'm learning that it's a continuous cycle - when it hits me that i've made someone smile, or encouraged someone, it makes me smile, and it encourages me as much, if not more.

***

this entire week has felt like being away at camp, or traveling - just a non-stop flurry of activity, excitement, and being reinvigorated and re-inspired all over again by seeing things with new eyes. and it hit me that wow, i don't have to go away to experience this! i can be refreshed and re-energised just in doing the things i do day in and day out.  and while i know that i need to slow down a little to just absorb and reflect on all of this - i'm ever so thankful for a great week that's gone by.

i was chatting last night with my former youth pastor and an amazing friend, rose, and she was sharing a heart-breaking experience she had last year which completely changed her life this year and led to her leaving the youth ministry to serve the underprivileged refugee kids in sentul with the harvest center / dignity for children foundation. she said, ever since then, i've told God - i don't want to ever recover from this feeling.

and that's exactly how i feel after this week - i don't ever want to recover from whatever it is i've caught that's made me realise that i want to live for so much more than myself. that i am where i am, surrounded by the people i am, with the gifts and passions i have - is not for myself, or my glory, or my satisfaction - but for a bigger reason. to make a difference in the lives of others.

i used to think i needed to work in an NGO or do missions in a third-world country to make a difference but this week has taught me that making a difference can happen absolutely anywhere. it starts with accepting and understanding the season you are in - and realising that you are where you are for a reason. and it starts with showing up.

***

You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. -Matthew 5:14-16

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. -Romans 8:28

image:  Some rights reserved by George Larcher

exceedingly, abundantly

(i've been telling myself i would write this post for a few weeks now - being a writer, i always think i need to wait for the right words or the inspiration to flow before i can start writing. i'm learning these days that writing that matters doesn't come out of talent or eloquence - it comes out of honesty, authenticity, and just plain living. so here goes!)

over the last few months, i've lost count of how many times people have said to me "you really sound like you're enjoying your job!" or "it's so refreshing to see someone actually liking what they do at work", or something along those lines. and every time i hear that, i laugh, because where i am today is so, so far from where i was one year ago.

one year ago, my heart was not fully settled back in malaysia. one year ago, i was in a job that my heart was not in. there was a period where, for a week, i cried every single morning before going to work because i felt so lost and directionless. all my big dreams, plans, and accomplishments up till that point... and where was i? i had no clue why i was there - and no clue what the future held for me.

once upon a time, i thought that for a person like me, with my personality and background and education, i needed to do things like be an entrepreneur or be in the media or freelance or work in a charity organisation. i thought that at work, i had to stifle certain aspects of my personality to perform. with different groups of friends, i thought i had to be a different person to fit in. and then there was finding the one. i thought i had to find someone who checked all the right boxes, progress in a relationship according to all the right steps, and have the blessing of all my friends and family.

somewhere along the way, it hit me that the way people perceived me was the way i wanted them to perceive me - not who i was. and over tearful conversations with strong, wise female mentors, it hit me that i didn't know who i was. i knew who i wanted to be, for sure - the strong, capable, independent, creative, unique, artistic one - but i thought there was only one way to be all that, and that i was doing it all wrong. i was not living up to my own standards.

it took some time, but i eventually realised that if i kept heading the way i was headed, i would exhaust myself. "look at you running around, trying to do so much," good friends told me. "there's nothing wrong with what you're doing - but it's not about doing so much - it's about why you're doing so much. who are you trying to be? what are you running from?" i realised that the person i was trying to turn myself into was not who i wanted to be - i was tired of striving. i wanted to discover what it meant to be me - to be who God made me to be - not dictated by what people thought of me, or where i worked, or my past, or my background, or my talents, but just simply who i am, right now, in this season.

i was tired of censoring myself and pretending to be "nice" all the time. to say all the right things. to be politically correct. of pretending to like certain things and to hide certain things i really liked. i thought somehow the things i cared about conflicted with each other - that i couldn't be successful, driven and ambitious while being creative, artistic, and down-to-earth. that i couldn't focus on doing the things i loved while prioritising the things that needed to get done. that i couldn't lead others while being honest about my own flaws and my struggles and questions.

and then it hit me - why the heck not? what was really so bad about being myself? it's scary, sure - to go through that process of discovering who you really are - but what else is there to do? keep trying to live up to impossible standards that were never mine to live up to?

i decided i wanted to stop trying so damn hard all the time. to please people, to please myself, to please God. i wanted to just be. even if it meant losing certain things that my identity revolved around. even if it meant looking slightly odd or crazy at times. i wanted to stop trying to control so much of my life, and just let go and say, "God, whatever you have for me, it doesn't matter anymore. i just want to be who you want me to be." yes, i lost certain things in the process. i had to say no to a lot of things that used to be important to me.

and i trusted. i trusted that in saying no to all that, i was saying yes to grace, and yes to trusting. trusting that here is exactly where i am supposed to be. me is exactly who i am supposed to be. this is exactly what i am supposed to be doing. i don't have to try so hard all the time. i gave myself permission to stop trying, and just be.

and then life happened. opportunity after opportunity came to serve, to contribute at work, to use my talents and gifts not in the way i expected they'd be used, but in a way that fired me up and surprised me.

ever have those moments where you go, "whoa, i can do this?!? whoa, i'm actually pretty good at this!" that was exactly how it felt. some people call it 'calling', some people call it being in 'flow', some people call it the 'sweet spot' - whatever you call it - it's that place where you know, not just in your head or with your emotions, but with some kinda of deeper, gut instinct, that this. is. it. this is where i'm meant to be. and nothing else can convince you otherwise.

you wake up every morning, excited to get started, because everything you do has meaning. and things just keep happening - puzzle pieces you could never figure out start just clicking into place, one after the other. all those months of questioning and wondering finally make sense and you're like, "ohhhh... so that's why i had to go through that, so i can do this." it's an incredible feeling!

Sarah: i'm so glad to hear you talk about your work like that really

10:35 it gives me hope that there IS such a thing as really loving your job

 me: yeah and it's not just for entrepreneurs and travel writers!!!

  which is what i always thought i had to be

10:36 just like i thought i had to follow a certain type of path

  but thankfully God knows us better than we know ourselves

  and he gives us better and more

this morning i had a chat with a friend / mentor who reminded me that no matter how far i've strayed, or how badly i've messed up, i always keep coming back to this place of grace. of learning and understanding that in spite of myself, there has always been and will always be a beautiful plan for my life, even if i don't see the whole picture yet. and it's teaching me to trust harder and risk more. because my faith is in Someone who is able to do "exceedingly, abundantly", far more than i could ever imagine or guess or request in my wildest dreams (eph 3:20).