you keep dancing

"...though we can't undo what has been done, we can choose to begin again. to stand in the sun and let the shadows fall behind us. to throw off our shame, fear and anger. to see our beauty and our brokenness." // Freeway

"When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It's to enjoy each step along the way." // Wayne Dyer

"What is the point of doing XtraMile and everyone out there thinking you're suchhh a hero when you couldn't even care about this relationship?!?" I screamed. And even as those hurtful, sarcasm-drenched words came out of my mouth, I felt a pang in my chest because those words sounded exactly like words that my parents have said to me before. Words that I swore never to repeat to anyone else.

"You are involved in so many activities, you serve in church, you're a leader and everyone thinks you are soooo angelic, and you can't even clean up your room or listen to your parents?!?" Ouch.

I remember that feeling well - the pain of disappointing the people closest to you, of giving your best but somehow, your best intentions get lost in translation and is completely lost on those nearest and dearest to you. No amount of encouragement and compliments from the rest of the world makes a difference when you feel like those closest to you don't even believe in you. And here I was, making someone else feel that exact same way.

If you're like me, you're a people-pleaser. You genuinely live to put a smile on someone else's face. And you want to be a world-changer. You will pour your heart and soul into a cause if you believe it will change things. But sometimes, in the midst of all the people-pleasing and world-changing, we end up hurting the ones we love the most. Somehow, when life accelerates to top speed, we tend to neglect the simple things. Like saying "Good morning". Like hugs and kisses. Like dinner together.

So often, we assume that those dear to us should just "know" the amount of things of our plate and understand that our priorities need to be "slightly" readjusted "temporarily". But perspective is always subjective, and it's easier to see things from just one point of view. We assume because they know us so well, they will be more understanding and forgiving. But often, when conflict erupts, we find out along the way that even those closest to us don't understand or know how much we are struggling to cope.

It takes one sarcastic remark that spilled over from a stressful day at work to trigger a full-blown three hour argument. But equally, it takes one small "I'm really tired - I need your help with this" to help the other person understand what you're going through. It's those small remarks that make all the difference between a relationship growing stronger or falling apart when life hurls incredible pressure your way.

Yet knowing those things doesn't make it any easier to take the high ground. Knowing that an honest answer is better than a sarcastic one doesn't stifle that human impulse to just want to vent my frustration somewhere, anywhere, and most often it ends up directed towards those closest person around.

Life happens. Arguments happen. So how do we deal with it? One of my colleagues shared this perspective, after going through a tough season with her daughter: "I tell myself that people act their worst, with those they feel the safest with. That's because they know that no matter how bad things get, you won't walk away from them."

And it's true. So often, we react to conflict defensively, because we feel like we're being targeted. But very often, the conflict arises when one side is desperately trying to reach out for help, but is being misread. Conflict happens because two parties care. Otherwise, it would be easier to walk away.

There have been many times I've felt like running away from relationships. Like giving up on trying to build bridges and communicating because sometimes it feels like the other party is not putting in as much effort as I am. But I'm learning that relationships - whether at work, with family, or with my partner - cannot be about counting and comparing. Nobody wins that way. Rather, a relationship is a balancing act, a dance. Both parties take turns supporting each other, accommodating each other, forgiving each other. One of the pastors in the church I go to said, "When you work with people, toes are bound to get stepped on. But when that happens, you can complain, or you can dance with it."

And I'm learning that sometimes, you choose not to walk away, not because you don't ever get hurt. You stay because somehow, in the midst of all the hurt, you've found a safe place. You've found someone who may not always agree with you, but who cares deeply. You've found someone who may not always meet your expectations, but whom you can trust.

So what do I do after a three-hour long argument that stretches into the wee hours of the morning, right after the adrenaline and exhaustion of a hectic XtraMile weekend, knowing that a few hours later, I have to be back in the office, planning for two more upcoming huge events that are just a couple days away? I shed a few frustrated tears, let out a sigh, take a deep breath, say sorry, wash my face, go to bed... and just start all over again. For as long as you can keep finding that safe place, somehow, you can can keep trying again. With the relationships that really matter, you always find a way to start again, and you keep dancing. 

Being a leader is tough. It's tough when people are looking at you to set the pace, set the tone, set the expectations, and know all the answers, when half the time, you yourself are clueless. It's tough when you invest in people, and they give back less than their best.

But it's also so, so rewarding when you see people whom you have poured yourself into mentoring and grooming - start to blossom, and start to even overtake you in skill and ability. Now that - that is SO worth all the pains of being a leader.

On change and new discoveries

One of the things I am learning as I grow up is that changing your mind about something is not the same as selling out or being untrue to yourself or abandoning your values. It's accepting that as a young person, your experiences are limited, and therefore your perspectives about things are limited as well. And it's okay to look back at realise that the way you look at certain things has changed.

As a child, I used to think to myself, "When I become a parent, I wouldn't do this, this and this", or "If I were a wife, I wouldn't say this, this and this". I wondered why adults didn't have things figured out. I was idealistic and naive. I thought to myself, "It's so simple - if it were me, I'd do it this way." I used to be so sure of what I wanted - and what I wanted was to be different from everyone else, because I was sure I had things figured out.

And the more I grow up, the more I'm learning to graciously accept the wisdom of those around me. I no longer see that as "giving in" or "bowing" to the opinions of others - I'm learning to accept that I don't always know everything, and I'm not always right. I used to look at all my parents' flaws and tell myself I never wanted to be like them - but these days, I see more and more things that I admire about them - values I want to cultivate in my own life and pass on to my children too.

I used to tell myself I could never see myself in the corporate world, that boardrooms and bulleted PowerPoint slides were too limiting for a free spirit like me. But I'm glad I changed my mind and I now find much fulfilment in what I do. And people ask me, "But how can you just give up who you used to be?". I don't think it's so much giving up who I used to be, but discovering more of who I am. That I am not a one-dimensional being. Yes, I am artistic, creative, and non-conformist, but at the same time, I also enjoy putting order into things and finding patterns and process flows in the midst of chaos. It's not a contradiction - it's an extension of who I am.

I used to find folding laundry and hanging clothes a painful chore. I'm glad I stuck at it long enough to get to a place where I now find the fresh smell of just-washed clothes therapeutic and calming.

So often, I hear people saying, "I can't do this, because I'm this type of person", or "Oh, that's so not me", or "That's not my kind of thing" - and I want to say to them, don't limit yourself! Don't limit your experiences.

I love telling these stories of how I used to be an introvert, how I used to hate meeting new people and how conversations with strangers were always painfully awkward, because every single time the disbelief in their eyes cracks me up. "You?!? But you seem like such a sociable person!" Well, it sure didn't happen overnight. And it wouldn't have happened if I decided, "Well, that's just not me so I'm not going to make an effort to try."

So don't be so quick to say you can't. Don't be so quick to say no to things. Don't be so quick to give up on things that seem to be going nowhere. Give things time. Give people time. Give yourself time. And learn to accept that even if you lived to be a hundred, you'll keep discovering new things about yourself. Yes, it will take courage. It's always scary to venture out into the unfamiliar, untested unknown. But I think we are far more equipped and capable to take on challenges than many of us realise.

And life is really so much more enriching when it's filled with challenges and new discoveries along the way. :)

"Change your opinions, keep to your principles; change your leaves, keep intact your roots." // Victor Hugo 

"I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change…I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back." // Erica Jong

Love is acceptance

The longer I stay in this relationship, the more I find that love is not so much about falling for all the endearing things the other person does or being swept off your feet by that person's charm - it's about learning what it means to accept another person just as that person is, quirks and flaws, and to give that person the space to be wonderfully, uniquely imperfect.

It's discovering that the way that person says certain things gets you really annoyed, but deciding you can live with it. It's realising how tempting it is to snap when the other person makes a mistake, but deciding to let out a huge sigh and bite your tongue instead. It's not necessary liking or agreeing with that person's decisions, but letting him make them still. It's sometimes disagreeing when it comes to things like style and dressing, but being proud to be seen beside that person anyway.

It's not easy to come to that place where after many arguments, you realise that even the worst of arguments wouldn't be a reason to leave, because you've come to that place of mutual acceptance that is so hard to find. And when you're at that place, it hits you that there's probably no one else on earth whom you know better or who knows you better - but at the same time, you've both grown so much in your own ways and continue to encourage each other's personal development that you also know there will be so many parts of the other person that will remain a mystery. And that's okay.

Because love is not about always being the first thing on that's person's mind in the morning, or the last voice you hear before you drift off to sleep. It's not memorising a person's favourite colour or remembering her favourite food. It's knowing that life is never so simple, that your routines will change, and so will your favourite things. And it's knowing that life can change as much as it likes but you're still going to stick with this one person out of the six billion others on the planet.

It's that calm and quiet assurance that even when real life kicks in and gets real crazy, no matter how late you'll have to work, no matter how far the distance from each other, no matter how different the backgrounds you come from, no matter all the challenges and stresses that life throws your way - you know that you've found someone who accepts you and your crazy work hours, your overbearing mother, your overseas ambitions, your expensive hobbies, your weird friends, your demanding boss, or your busy schedule - someone who just accepts you, and everything else that comes along with the package, because that person knows you can't pick and choose what you want in love. And someone whom you can accept as well.

And when you're in that place, you both know that while understanding is ideal, you don't need to understand to accept. While encouraging the other person to change, especially if it's for the better, you don't try to make projects of each other. While the other person's feelings is of utmost importance to you, you don't let yourself be weighed down by them. Because accepting another is not trying to 'fix' that person but simply understanding that it's okay to have emotions and 'this too, will pass' - and just walking beside that person until the storm blows over.

But acceptance is not resignation. It is not giving up hope that things won't get better or that the person will ever change. It is making peace with the journey, and knowing that nothing happens overnight. And it's learning to smile through the tears, to dance in the rain, and to just enjoy the ride.

“I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter. 

We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love." // James Kavanaugh

Three things my parents taught me that they don't teach in school

1. That if you're going to dream, dream big. 

"You want to be a writer?" my parents asked me. "You want to be an artist?" they asked my brother. "Well, then be an author with a book on the NY Time Best Seller list," my dad would say. "Be an artist and hold art exhibitions around the world." My parents never put a cap on our dreams or told us we couldn't. They never let the fact that they didn't get a university education be a glass ceiling for us - just because they didn't get the opportunity, it didn't mean that we couldn't. And while we still have a long way to go, I think for the fields we've chosen, we've done pretty well, all without going to renowned schools or colleges. At 21, my brother has designed album covers and merchandise from top local bands to international acts - the kind of opportunities his peers would die for. I've had opportunities to travel, be part of international movements, and meet all sorts of interesting, different people. All because my parents never told us we couldn't.

2. That they couldn't teach me everything - but reading is so important to growth and development. 

I grew up reading books at the dining table - while my mum spoon-fed me - and on my "throne" as I was doing potty business. My brothers and I fell asleep listening to bedtime stories - a privilege, I later discovered as I grew up, that many peers in my generation never had, with parents that were often away, working till late at night. I loved words - "the swing and swirl of them as they tangle with human emotions" - and it was through reading I decided to pursue writing and communication. My brother was not so much a reader - but he was a very visual person - so my parents made sure he "read" picture books. He would occasionally end up drawing on them, and sometimes interpreting and illustrating his own different ending to the story, but aside from a mild reprimand, I think my parents were just happy that we read. If we ever complained about being bored, my mum would tell us to "read a page of the dictionary - you'll learn new things and increase your vocabulary". If we had questions, they would ask us to read about it, whether in an Encyclopedia or by researching it on the Internet.

As a young working adult, I'm so grateful that instead of using the TV and computer games to babysit us, as my parents could have easily done - they chose the tougher way of cultivating in us a love for reading. I believe that is what has given me an edge because in an information-saturated world, the ability to digest information and analyse it critically - all of which reading will teach you - is so important.

3. There's always something to learn in everything.

Long car rides during outstation trips were never boring. They would always be accompanied by commentaries about the caves or mountains we were driving past, or fun bits of history about a town we were driving through. When we watched movies, my parents would ask us what we learned, and then summarise what some of the good things were that we should learn from the movie, and the other things that we shouldn't follow. My parents didn't believe in mindless entertainment - but to bring a sense of wonder and curiosity into everything you do and encounter.