"May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears"

The week Alex that told me he had asked my parents blessing to marry me - was the week I flipped out and considered calling the relationship quits. In fact, I asked for a one-week break from all forms of communication so I could think things through without distraction. Call it cold feet, commitment phobia or whatever you may, that week was one of the main turning points of the relationship... the point at which I knew in my heart that I had made a decision and there was no turning back.

This was in January... and fast forward two months later, when he finally proposed last weekend, my "Yes" seemed like the most natural thing in the world to say. Because I'd already taken a long, hard look at whether this relationship was something I could see myself devoting myself to for the rest of my life.

I've always wondered how it felt like to 'just know' that you're ready to spend the rest of your life with one person. I'd never ever felt that way in any of my previous relationships. There was always something that didn't quite fit, that didn't add up. In my logical, pragmatic mind the best thing, when in doubt, was always to let go and move on. Preserving my freedom was important to me, and the whole notion of 'settling down' didn't quite sit well with my perspective that a relationship should be an adventure that opens you up to more of life's possibilities, instead of narrowing your options down.

Yet there were many times I wondered if I would end up on the shelf after everyone had 'settled down'. So, afraid of being alone, I settled time and again for guys who were not too bad. Who treated me nice and were generally good people. But they didn't share the same values and dreams I had or the same thirst for independence and adventure, and it just wasn't enough.

I often wondered if I had the most unreasonable demands. I felt guilty in every relationship I got into, fearing that I would somehow never be able to match up to the other person's expectations of what an Asian girlfriend should be like. I was often told that I 'intimidate' guys, because I liked being alone too much, had way too many opinions about everything, loved adventure, hated routine or repetition, and was incredibly self-motivated and driven to make something meaningful of my life, even if it meant leaving other people behind if they didn't share the same ambitions.

But I knew I wanted a man, not a boy. Someone whom I didn't have to hide my true colors from. Who was comfortable enough in his own skin and confident enough in his own ability to handle me for who I am - headstrong, stubborn, opinionated, independent and all.

So I decided to stop dating just because I was afraid of ending up alone and unwanted. In fact, I decided to stop doing anything just because I was afraid. I wanted to stop being motivated by fear, but by hope instead. After being disappointed and having my heart broken so many times, I desperately wanted to believe that there were better days ahead. I knew that change began with me, and with not being afraid to hope for what I really wanted.

I have never been the most optimistic person. Being highly pragmatic, I've always tended to be critical, pessimistic and judgmental. I could be a master in the art of imagining worst-case scenarios. But I decided to stop using my personality as an excuse.

I chose to believe that life is what we make of it. If we choose to be positive, no matter how bad things are, we will always find a silver lining. If I choose to live in a way that is big-hearted, generous, adventurous, and on occasion, all-out crazy, then I will attract someone just like that to do life with.

Maybe it is unreasonable to expect so much out of life. Do I really deserve it anyway? Maybe not, if I chose to think that way. But I believe that we attract - and accept - the love we think we deserve. If we value ourselves, we will find ourselves surrounded by people who value us. I wanted to believe that I was worth the kind of love I hoped for.

Nelson Mandela once said, "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears." That was the perspective I held on to as I stepped away from years of unhealthy mindsets, wrong assumptions, warped perspectives towards relationships and bitterness from the past.

And as I did, I stopped being so afraid. I stopped being afraid of 'settling', or on the other end of the scale, of 'being alone' because I was too afraid to settle. I stayed open to hope. It took many tears and many nights of soul-searching, but I had to let go of stupid fears like the fear of not reaching my target of being married by 24. Like the fear that it would just be a matter of time before I start feeling suffocated again like in all my other relationships. Like the fear that if Alex really knew me for who I am, he would think twice about wanting me. Or the fear that memories and hurts from our past relationships would be carried into our current relationship.

I was gripped by fears like these when I called for the break. We had been having several heated arguments in the weeks leading up to the break, and there were times it felt like we were on completely different wavelengths. Out of fear, I retreated back into my safety zone and distanced myself emotionally, distracting myself with work. At that point in time, work seemed genuinely more rewarding than the relationship. It made no demands, asked no questions, had no expectations. It gave me results in return for effort. So simple, uncomplicated, fuss-free. So unlike relationships.

And there I discovered my biggest fear - not that he wasn't right or the relationship wasn't right - but that I wasn't right. I wasn't ready to lay down my life to submit to another person, I wasn't willing to give up my rights and my independence. I wasn't good at dealing with my own emotions - how could I possibly be able to deal with another person's heart?

So I told him I needed some time out to think the relationship through, expecting a backlash and a questioning of whether my heart was really in this relationship. I expected him to fight, to cling on and try to persuade me to talk things out instead of just disappearing for a week, to start thinking and fearing the worst. If he did, I would be able to use that as the basis for why we would never work out anyway. But he didn't.

He said, okay, go ahead. And I began to sense that finally, here was a man in tune with my heart, who knew I needed some time to sort things out. Who was not afraid of losing me if it was for the better, who held me as loosely as he held everything else in his life - as gifts loaned from God for a little while, to be cherished, but not owned. Who knew that as much as he wanted to fix things, he wasn't the right person for the job.

In that one week, I went to the One and only person who could do that job. I poured my fears out to Him - that I was not good enough, that I had commitment issues, that I didn't deserve to be loved. And as I listened to myself, all I heard was 'I', 'I', 'I'. He gently began to remind me, that the cure to all my fears was to fix my eyes not on myself, but on hope. Hope for brighter tomorrows and for grace to guide us through every disagreement. Hope that we will not only survive the tough days, but that those days will draw us even closer together. And hope that the reason we are in this together is because the potential for what we can do together is greater compared to what we can do alone.

By the end of the week, the fears stopped mattering so much. I saw enough hope in the relationship to know I want to give everything I have to make it work. I know I'll have to keep working at it, keep seeing enough hope in it, keep letting go of the fear, but for now, my "Yes" is a start. A start of saying yes to learning to be less selfish, discovering I can still be myself and go on adventures even when there's someone beside me (it's actually more fun!), and learning that where there's faith, hope and love, there's no room for fear. 

We accept the love we think we deserve

There's a popular saying that goes, "We accept the love we think we deserve."

For a long time, I wondered about the kind of love I was accepting. I wondered if my standards were too high and so I lowered them and settled, over and over again, for 'good enough'. I often tell people I've dated and met enough guys to know all the different types there are out there. I used to wonder if there was 'someone better' out there, something I was missing out on by choosing to settle with the best guy I could find who wanted me. Time and time again, it never worked out.

There was a season in my life that I used to wonder if it was just people like me - the soulful, free spirits who need space to dream and wander and explore and discover new adventures - that struggled with the thought of meeting the right one and finally 'settling down'. Those two words never quite sat well with me.

The idea of committing to someone who would become my best friend, who knew me inside and out, who brought out the best version of me, was certainly appealing - the old fashioned, old school kind of love where a guy would take risks just to impress the girl and win her heart, and where she would enchant and captivate him by her beauty and grace. The part of it that did not appeal to me, however, was giving up my own interests and dreams.

During that season, I used to think that the only way for me to truly be happy was to not be tied down - to hold close the people I connected with, but without being exclusive. Giving them their space to be them - and having my space to be me. Yet there was always the part of me that craved the knowledge that out of all the other people in the world, we chose to be faithful to each other.

My main struggle was how difficult it was to be completely myself and completely honest with the other person in committed relationships I'd been in. Once you start caring too much about another person, you start thinking you own them. You try to control their actions and choices. And oftentimes, you end up suffocating the other person.

It's different with strangers. With strangers, you can be completely honest and transparent - there's no withholding who you are because you are afraid of hurting the other person. Find the right time and place (late at night in a quiet location usually works well), and it's not difficult at all to pour out your entire life story and deepest darkest secrets to a mysterious, enchanting stranger over coffee or drinks. But try telling someone you've known for some time the things you struggle with the most, and it's not always as easy to open up. How will they react? Will they see you differently? Will they be angry at you for not telling them earlier? Will they try to give you unwanted advice? Will they want to be around you any less? There is so much more at stake.

Maybe you can't be lovers in a committed relationship, I thought. Maybe in committed relationships, the love is a pragmatic type of love based on companionship and mutual acceptance and understanding. The passionate, romantic kind of love is reserved for relationships that exist purely for the purpose of enjoying each other without the messiness of tying each other down with commitment. In my experience, relationships I'd been in had either been sparks and no commitment, or commitment and no sparks, neither of which suited my taste.

This month marks the 15th month since I started dating Alex. In my books, that's a record. One year and a quarter is five different seasons that have come and gone. In those seasons, I've changed and grown and had my perspectives turned inside out so completely that I feel sometimes like I'm a different person altogether. One of the things that past fifteen months have taught me is that it's worth choosing not to 'settle', but to keep hoping and holding out for the best.

Two years ago, I wrote a blog post about things I look for in an ideal partner. Some people told me my standards were too high and unrealistic, that I should look at myself first before asking for these things in a partner, some even questioning whether I worth all of the things I was looking for and asking me what if I found a guy who was all those things but who didn't think I was all that awesome. In fact, I got more flak than positive feedback from writing that post (you can read the comments by following the link above if you're curious). But I'm glad I wrote it, and I have absolutely no regrets or apologies, because exactly the right person who needed to read that post did read it, and thought that maybe he would have a stab at being that ideal person...

...and fifteen months into the relationship, I still have absolutely no regrets. I had my doubts, plenty of them. I questioned the lack of 'sparks' and why the relationship felt so platonic. But those 'spark-less' months revealed to me the enormous amounts of effort that both of us were willing to put into making the relationship work simply because of the amount of respect we had for each other as individuals. It surprised me, the number of times either one of us could have easily walked away, but we didn't. Because it's not every day you find someone who stands for the same values as you do.

And those months also taught me that while sometimes, 'sparks' fly at first acquaintance, other times, the flames take time to simmer beneath the surface before flickering to life. And I've learnt that I've found someone who can handle me at my worst, craziest moments, who can deal with the most ridiculous things I say, who accepts my need for long periods of alone time, my innate dislike for PDA, my inability to keep time accurately, how anal I am about grammar and using words that say what they mean, the experiences and memories I've had from all my previous relationships, and the occasional crushes I have on other people from time to time.

It's nice to have commitment in a relationship - the knowing there's someone you can always count on to have meals with if everyone else is busy, the usual 'Good morning' text, the predictable familiarity of someone you've become completely comfortable with. But it's also nice to have the spontaneity and freshness of constantly discovering new things about the other person in every new season life brings - and revealing new parts of who I am as I grow and change. It's nice to be able to be completely transparent and not be judged - to be able to say "There's this thing I really don't like when you do", or "I think you're really amazing but there's this guy I think is really amazing too. Not that I would ever want anyone else but sometimes you get mini crushes on people and find a new person really fascinating, you know what I mean?", or "This book absolutely changed my life. Would you want to read it too?" In all of the previous scenarios, it's been all too familiar to have the other person completely misunderstand, get angry, feel threatened or insecure, or worse, simply not even care.

But it takes someone special to see all those conversations as keys to discovering who I really am, stripped of all pretense and fronts, completely honest and vulnerable. And that's what being in a relationship is really about in the first place, isn't it? Knowing your heart is held in safe hands and being able to let down your guard. And knowing that you are able to do the same for the other person as well.

Looking back now, I'm glad I never settled. It's been a winding, curvy, bumpy road with plenty of detours and u-turns made along the way, but in the end, I've gotten everything I've ever wanted - and more. Despite what others have said and despite my own doubts, I've learnt that I've got a big-hearted, loving and generous Father up there who knows all my heart's desires and who gives abundantly above all I could ask. I am truly grateful.

you keep dancing

"...though we can't undo what has been done, we can choose to begin again. to stand in the sun and let the shadows fall behind us. to throw off our shame, fear and anger. to see our beauty and our brokenness." // Freeway

"When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It's to enjoy each step along the way." // Wayne Dyer

"What is the point of doing XtraMile and everyone out there thinking you're suchhh a hero when you couldn't even care about this relationship?!?" I screamed. And even as those hurtful, sarcasm-drenched words came out of my mouth, I felt a pang in my chest because those words sounded exactly like words that my parents have said to me before. Words that I swore never to repeat to anyone else.

"You are involved in so many activities, you serve in church, you're a leader and everyone thinks you are soooo angelic, and you can't even clean up your room or listen to your parents?!?" Ouch.

I remember that feeling well - the pain of disappointing the people closest to you, of giving your best but somehow, your best intentions get lost in translation and is completely lost on those nearest and dearest to you. No amount of encouragement and compliments from the rest of the world makes a difference when you feel like those closest to you don't even believe in you. And here I was, making someone else feel that exact same way.

If you're like me, you're a people-pleaser. You genuinely live to put a smile on someone else's face. And you want to be a world-changer. You will pour your heart and soul into a cause if you believe it will change things. But sometimes, in the midst of all the people-pleasing and world-changing, we end up hurting the ones we love the most. Somehow, when life accelerates to top speed, we tend to neglect the simple things. Like saying "Good morning". Like hugs and kisses. Like dinner together.

So often, we assume that those dear to us should just "know" the amount of things of our plate and understand that our priorities need to be "slightly" readjusted "temporarily". But perspective is always subjective, and it's easier to see things from just one point of view. We assume because they know us so well, they will be more understanding and forgiving. But often, when conflict erupts, we find out along the way that even those closest to us don't understand or know how much we are struggling to cope.

It takes one sarcastic remark that spilled over from a stressful day at work to trigger a full-blown three hour argument. But equally, it takes one small "I'm really tired - I need your help with this" to help the other person understand what you're going through. It's those small remarks that make all the difference between a relationship growing stronger or falling apart when life hurls incredible pressure your way.

Yet knowing those things doesn't make it any easier to take the high ground. Knowing that an honest answer is better than a sarcastic one doesn't stifle that human impulse to just want to vent my frustration somewhere, anywhere, and most often it ends up directed towards those closest person around.

Life happens. Arguments happen. So how do we deal with it? One of my colleagues shared this perspective, after going through a tough season with her daughter: "I tell myself that people act their worst, with those they feel the safest with. That's because they know that no matter how bad things get, you won't walk away from them."

And it's true. So often, we react to conflict defensively, because we feel like we're being targeted. But very often, the conflict arises when one side is desperately trying to reach out for help, but is being misread. Conflict happens because two parties care. Otherwise, it would be easier to walk away.

There have been many times I've felt like running away from relationships. Like giving up on trying to build bridges and communicating because sometimes it feels like the other party is not putting in as much effort as I am. But I'm learning that relationships - whether at work, with family, or with my partner - cannot be about counting and comparing. Nobody wins that way. Rather, a relationship is a balancing act, a dance. Both parties take turns supporting each other, accommodating each other, forgiving each other. One of the pastors in the church I go to said, "When you work with people, toes are bound to get stepped on. But when that happens, you can complain, or you can dance with it."

And I'm learning that sometimes, you choose not to walk away, not because you don't ever get hurt. You stay because somehow, in the midst of all the hurt, you've found a safe place. You've found someone who may not always agree with you, but who cares deeply. You've found someone who may not always meet your expectations, but whom you can trust.

So what do I do after a three-hour long argument that stretches into the wee hours of the morning, right after the adrenaline and exhaustion of a hectic XtraMile weekend, knowing that a few hours later, I have to be back in the office, planning for two more upcoming huge events that are just a couple days away? I shed a few frustrated tears, let out a sigh, take a deep breath, say sorry, wash my face, go to bed... and just start all over again. For as long as you can keep finding that safe place, somehow, you can can keep trying again. With the relationships that really matter, you always find a way to start again, and you keep dancing. 

Love is acceptance

The longer I stay in this relationship, the more I find that love is not so much about falling for all the endearing things the other person does or being swept off your feet by that person's charm - it's about learning what it means to accept another person just as that person is, quirks and flaws, and to give that person the space to be wonderfully, uniquely imperfect.

It's discovering that the way that person says certain things gets you really annoyed, but deciding you can live with it. It's realising how tempting it is to snap when the other person makes a mistake, but deciding to let out a huge sigh and bite your tongue instead. It's not necessary liking or agreeing with that person's decisions, but letting him make them still. It's sometimes disagreeing when it comes to things like style and dressing, but being proud to be seen beside that person anyway.

It's not easy to come to that place where after many arguments, you realise that even the worst of arguments wouldn't be a reason to leave, because you've come to that place of mutual acceptance that is so hard to find. And when you're at that place, it hits you that there's probably no one else on earth whom you know better or who knows you better - but at the same time, you've both grown so much in your own ways and continue to encourage each other's personal development that you also know there will be so many parts of the other person that will remain a mystery. And that's okay.

Because love is not about always being the first thing on that's person's mind in the morning, or the last voice you hear before you drift off to sleep. It's not memorising a person's favourite colour or remembering her favourite food. It's knowing that life is never so simple, that your routines will change, and so will your favourite things. And it's knowing that life can change as much as it likes but you're still going to stick with this one person out of the six billion others on the planet.

It's that calm and quiet assurance that even when real life kicks in and gets real crazy, no matter how late you'll have to work, no matter how far the distance from each other, no matter how different the backgrounds you come from, no matter all the challenges and stresses that life throws your way - you know that you've found someone who accepts you and your crazy work hours, your overbearing mother, your overseas ambitions, your expensive hobbies, your weird friends, your demanding boss, or your busy schedule - someone who just accepts you, and everything else that comes along with the package, because that person knows you can't pick and choose what you want in love. And someone whom you can accept as well.

And when you're in that place, you both know that while understanding is ideal, you don't need to understand to accept. While encouraging the other person to change, especially if it's for the better, you don't try to make projects of each other. While the other person's feelings is of utmost importance to you, you don't let yourself be weighed down by them. Because accepting another is not trying to 'fix' that person but simply understanding that it's okay to have emotions and 'this too, will pass' - and just walking beside that person until the storm blows over.

But acceptance is not resignation. It is not giving up hope that things won't get better or that the person will ever change. It is making peace with the journey, and knowing that nothing happens overnight. And it's learning to smile through the tears, to dance in the rain, and to just enjoy the ride.

“I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter. 

We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love." // James Kavanaugh

advent: a season of joyful anticipation and the in-betweens

the word 'advent', used to describe the period of time leading up to christmas that is celebrated by those who believe, comes from the latin word meaning 'coming'. it describes a season for slowing down, reflecting, and most of all, anticipating fresh hope and grace for the season that lies ahead.

advent is all about anticipation and longing. we know there is something missing, that our souls are incomplete - but rather than longing for it in despair, our longing is joyful, rooted firmly in the hope that the missing piece has come and is coming afresh in our hearts all over again as we move towards a new year.

just like a pregnant mother anticipating the birth of her child, advent is a season of longing for a birth of something new, and something fresh. advent is a time that celebrates the anticipation, the in-between moments - between the time a trapeze artist jumps and the time he catches the next handle, between the time a seed is planted and the time it sends shoots above the ground, between the time a child is formed in the womb and the time it is born - advent is all about the in-betweens. the in-between the 'has been's and the 'not yet's. those delicate, tender moments of holding your breath because you're not quite sure what will happen next, and because at this fragile stage, anything could happen. but you keep hoping for the best, sensing that something beautiful is going to unfold up ahead.

so it is in this season that we who believe take the time to deliberately pull back in the midst of our busyness and all the festivity, to slow down and take a moment to take stock of the 'has been's - the milestones that have marked our past year, and the milestones that have marked our lives so far. we acknowledge the victories, but also the defeats, knowing that it is the sum of all of them that has shaped us for what lies ahead.

and we look forward. oh, we look forward to better things ahead than any we are leaving behind! we can only look forward, fearlessly and hopefully, when we have looked back enough and fully confronted everything in our past. advent is a chance to come clean and face the past before being thrust into the unknown future - a future that is safe, that we can look forward to even if we don't know what it holds, because we know that the One who holds it. and we know that He is good, and faithful, and gracious, and merciful, and kind, and most of all, loving.

advent is a season where we remember an age-old story, of Love coming down to earth, to make Himself relatable so we could understand what love is really all about. so we could live in relationships that give instead of taking away, that heal instead of hurting. as mother theresa, who lived among the poorest of the poor, put it - the greatest poverty is not being hungry, naked, or homeless. the greatest poverty is the poverty of being unloved, unwanted, uncared for. this poverty is not limited to what race, religion, country, or economic group you are from - it's everywhere.

imagine how different this world would look if every single person in it genuinely believed they were loved, cherished, special! that's what christmas, to me, is all about. it's about the most powerful, incomprehensible Being in the universe making himself small and tiny to show us that even in our humble, fragile states, we are valued, treasured, loved. christmas is not about a day - it's about a lifestyle of living in remembrance of that Great Story. and advent is a chance to revisit that story, to give thanks for another year of living and loving, and to look forward... to a fresh chapter, and to learning to love a little bit better.

***

this season's advent reading: 'searching for God knows what' by donald miller; 'the shack' by w paul young. here are some of my favourite quotes:

searching for God knows what (donald miller):

“Imagine how a man’s life would be if he trusted that he was loved by God. How he could interact with the poor and not show partiality, he could love his wife easily and not expect her to redeem him, he would be slow to anger because redemption was no longer at stake, he could be wise and giving with his money because money no longer represented points, he could give up on formulaic religion, knowing that checking stuff off a spiritual to-do list was a worthless pursuit, he would have confidence and the ability to laugh at himself, and he could love people without expecting anything in return. It would be quite beautiful, really.”

"I wondered how beautiful it is that you and I were created to need each other. In this way, we are made in God’s image. Certainly God does not need people in the way you and I do, but He feels a joy at being loved, and He feels a joy at delivering love. The Bible, with all its understanding of the relational needs of humans, was becoming more meaningful to me as I turned the pages. God made me, He knows me, He understands me, and He wants community.”

“The truth is there are a million steps, and we don't even know what the steps are, and worse, at any given moment we may not be willing or even able to take them; and still worse, they are different for you and me and they are always changing. I have come to believe the sooner we find this truth beautiful the sooner we will fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him, teaching us to not rely on easy answers, bullet points, magic mantras, or genies in lamps, but rather in His guidance, His existence, His mercy, and His love.”

the shack (w paul young):

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat. Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then you will pray for his wholeness.”

“Don't ever discount the wonder of your tears. They can be healing waters and a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words the heart can speak.”

“Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved.”

“I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside.”

“...if anything matters then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes."

“If you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is an expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. The expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else.”

“Submission is not about authority and it is not obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.”

“All I want from you is to trust me with what little you can, and grow in loving people around you with the same love I share with you. It's not your job to change them, or to convince them. You are free to love without an agenda.”

"Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.”

"Does that mean," asked Mack, "that all roads will lead to you?" Not at all," smiled Jesus as he reached for the door handle to the shop. "Most roads don't lead anywhere. What it does mean is that I will travel any road to find you.”

***

“There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved: It is God's finger on man's shoulder.” // Charles Morgan

as the ruin falls

Modified from original image by Alun Salt

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love—a scholar’s parrot may talk Greek—
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.
-C.S.Lewis, Poems, “As the Ruin Falls” (1st pub. 1964), pp. 109-110.

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.

-C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

not sitting around waiting

i did not anticipate how many comments writing a post about my ideal guy would invite. one part of me is happy to know people are reading what i write and taking the time to share their thoughts... another part of me feels like i need to clarify my last post by saying this:

just because i have a list of ideals i am looking for in a guy doesn't mean firstly, it's a hard and fast list, or that things can't change - that i can't change. and secondly, neither does it mean that i'm desperately on the lookout for a guy to meet those criteria.

many people also commented about love being all about looking past a person's weaknesses... sticking through thick and thin... not about being perfect but about making the effort... and all that. which is all well and fine, but what makes one guy different from the other, then? why not just settle for anyone who comes along? or the first one to come along?

why not? if finding my dream guy was my ultimate purpose in life, that would make sense. find a decent guy who's willing to work at a relationship... and work as hard as possible at it and have an incredible story to tell of how we stuck through thick and thin.

but that's not my ultimate purpose in life. i used to want to travel the world, influence people, and be a writer - but lately i have been challenged to give up those dreams. it's difficult, yes. but yet i'm discovering more and more that when you give up your own dreams and plans... God doesn't really take them away completely... but he gives you more than those things. i don't know where all the open doors and amazing opportunities life has brought my way is taking me... but i know it's leading me somewhere and there's no way i'm going to give up this amazing journey i'm on for some guy, no matter how great he is, if he's going to pull me away from where God has called me to.

also, finally, i've been told - don't have so many ideals - just find a man who loves God. but i truly believe that if a man was chasing God with all his heart, not just being a sunday christian, he would already meet most of the ideals on my list already.

and my question about asking for the moon? it was a rhetorical question. i know tons (okay, maybe not tons, but a handful at least) of amazing, passionate, God-loving and single guys who are doing things with their lives and making a difference wherever they are. i just don't know which one is for me... yet. ;)

and you know what? guys like that, who'd meet the criteria on my list? they're not the ones sitting around waiting for some dream girl to complete their lives either. yes, they might dream of her and wish they would meet her sooner - but regardless, they'd be out there, getting stuff done, discovering bit by bit what makes their hearts beat strong, making good use of time that doesn't have to be devoted to a partner, and growing more and more into the men they were meant to be. 

wanted: someone into courage, commitment, and cuddling

'what do you look for in an ideal partner?' a number of people have asked me after recently discovering that once again, i'm back to relationship status: 'single'. (of course, that question comes after a shocked, 'what?!? but i thought you guys were perfect for each other!'... but that's a story for another day.)

and because i'm a writer first, and then whatever of a talker i try (very hard) to be, i stutter and fumble for words, and i find that whatever answer i come up with when put on that spot comes out feeble, and almost defensive, like i have to justify the things i look for in a guy because they are so unlike everyone else's criteria for what would make an ideal partner.

the last time i wrote down a list of important things i wanted in a partner was more than a year ago. and more than a year ago, i hadn't gone through what was probably the longest stable / serious relationship i've been in, i hadn't worked full-time for a year and realised how much space in your life carving out a career path takes. and most likely, that list has changed somewhat now that i'm older, had more life experiences, and hopefully, grown a little wiser.

so here's my attempt to put into words the things i value the most. (sometimes it's not easy to find out if a person has these traits all at once - sometimes you just take the risk to continue getting to know him on a deeper level. and in the words of a friend, "sometimes everything fits except for that one thing that's missing... and it turns out that's the most important thing.")

i know for an asian girl, this list is incredibly untypical - and i've been made to feel different for most of my life  - which is why it is ever-important that the one i find won't make me feel that way - a strange, awkward, different - but a special different.

1. someone who cares about things. who doesn't have to think too hard if i ask him what makes him feel fulfilled, or what makes him sad, or what makes him angry, or what makes a perfect 24 hours for him. who can answer those questions without hesitation because he has thought about the question - and he lives the questions, every single day. 
2. someone who has achieved something for himself. someone who understand what it means to work really hard and even fight - blood, sweat, and tears - for something he wants. someone who never takes his blessings and opportunities for granted because he knows what it's like to have little. someone who will understand instinctively my thriftiness and drivenness because he's gone through similar situations which has made him exactly the way he is. 
3. someone who is generous with himself but selective with his cash. seeing a guy make time for the friends and family in his life - not out of obligation - but out of a generosity of spirit - that's hot. because i know he will make time for me. and i think the way a person spends money says a lot about their character - so i'd look for a guy who is selective about his spending. not necessarily someone who's stingy and counts every dollar and cent - but someone who would give up other things to invest even more into the things he cares about. 
4. someone who, while being generous with others, also knows how to carve out time for himself. who will not let anyone - even me - steal him away from what keeps him grounded. who will not let distractions sway his decision-making and what he believes to be right and true. someone who will not conform to the expectations of others, not matter how much pressure and obligation is put on him. someone who doesn't allow people to change him - and won't try to change me. 
5. someone who is happy with himself. who is not overly confident or cocky, but satisfied with who he is and where he is. someone who strives because he knows he's not there yet - but at the same time, understands he is a work in progress and takes it one step at a time. 
6. someone who is all in. someone who, once he chooses a certain course of action - once he chooses me - will go all in, no second-guessing, with everything he has, to make it work. who has commitment and guts to stick through the rough times trusting that he's weighed the risks and made his calculations well, and after the tough times pass, the rewards will come. who will never give up until it is absolutely clear that this is not working. and that said...
7. someone who is not afraid to quit. someone who is not afraid to walk away, to rethink their ideals, to rechart their route, to redraw their plans - when the signs point to something better that lies ahead. someone who understands that there are seasons for everything and that sometimes giving something up doesn't mean forever - it just means for now, and the important thing is to live the now. 
8. someone who lives with vision. who learns from the lessons of the past but is always looking forward with the unwavering belief that there are better things that lie ahead than any we leave behind. someone whose goal is higher than his grasp, so there's always something more to reach for. 
9. someone who believes in calling. who genuinely believes that if he didn't do what he was meant to do - whether it's in a 'boring' job or taking crazy risks - the world would be at a loss. not in an egoistic way - but in an accepting way. that we are all given different skills and talents - so why waste mine trying to be someone else?
10. someone i share interests, hobbies, and passions with. whether it's travel, food, fitness, reading, intellectual conversations, pets, the outdoors. someone who shares my taste in music and movies, and that i can spend an entire day with and not get bored of somewhere in between. 
11. someone who doesn't take or give bullshit. from anyone or from me. who will call my bluff and tell me straight to my face if i try to emotionally manipulate him. who can take my bluntness and honesty. who doesn't ever try to sweet talk me because he knows it will never work in a million years. 
12. someone i can learn from and who is willing to learn from me. who's a little bit ahead of me in some ways (slightly smarter and slightly fitter are non-negotiables), so i can learn from him. yet someone who's humble enough to learn from me in other ways.  
13. someone who possesses the strength and courage to be all the above - but at the same time, it is a strength that comes from gentleness - from all that is good and beautiful. a strength that comes from believing in hope and goodness and mercy and grace, from a realisation that in spite of whatever life throws his way, he is abundantly blessed. someone who lives out of that truth and knows that his life is directed by a higher source. 
14. someone i can be sad with. someone whom, after having an absolutely shit day (yes, even strong people have shit days), i can come back to and dissolve into tears, knowing i'll be held, without a word. someone who doesn't try to fix me or cheer me up, who doesn't expect happy and perky all the damn time. someone who equally, is vulnerable enough to let me in when he's not doing so well. 
15. someone who gets along with my parents and siblings and whose parents and siblings i can get along with. likewise with groups of friends, to steal a line from spice girls. 
16. someone taller than me (not a very demanding ask, given my height) and someone preferably asian. 
17. someone who can speak proper english sans malaysian accent if the situation calls for it - but who is perfectly at home conversing in a mamak as well. 
18. someone who's a closet romantic like me. who's not into PDA, cute-sy names, or couple tees, but into long, slow kissing, back rubs, cuddling, walks on the beach, watching sunrises together, and handwritten love letters. 
19. someone who likes what i write - and understands that i write because i need to - just like some people need to climb, need to sing, need to start their own business, need to go into a certain profession. who doesn't ask inane questions like how do i find so much time to write. 
20. finally, i want an explorer, wanderer, dreamer. someone to go on all sorts of adventures with together, to take crazy risks and leaps of faith with, and to go all-out crazy about living like we have the world at our feet. 

i'm not asking for the moon... am i?

maybe...

maybe he tries to sleep but ends up tossing and turning, unable to get her out of his head and wondering if he should make a move.

maybe she doesn't try to fall asleep because she knows it's no use, so she pictures his kind eyes and gentle smile and thinks it's crazy to feel that way about someone she barely knows.

maybe he thinks he doesn't stand a chance with her.

maybe she thinks she's not his type.

maybe he wonders if she'll care about the same things he cares about, when she has so much to care about already.

maybe she wonders if she has what it takes to support all his dreams and ambitions, without compromising her own.

maybe he tells himself it's foolish to try to fight for her attention when she already has so much on her mind.

maybe she tries to turn her thoughts to other things but they keep coming back to the same thing.

maybe they're both afraid, because they've been hurt before. maybe they'll never know how much time they spend in each others' thoughts because they've never found the courage to say something.

maybe everything else before this has been leading up to them finding one another. maybe all they need to do is give it one more shot to discover that maybe all the silent prayers and choked sighs and disappointments before this have been meant to lead them to this.

maybe... someday?

for what little we have to give

“I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter.

We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.

For wanderers, dreamers, and lovers, for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful. It is for those who are too gentle to live among wolves.”

-James Kavanaugh, There Are Men Too Gentle to Live Among Wolves

unspoken

for someone who makes a living out of stringing words together, i guess it's pretty ironic that i'd fall for someone i can barely communicate with in my first language. most of our conversations involve a mix of different languages, hand gestures, animated facial expressions, repeated attempts to get the message across, and occasional sighs of exasperation.

nobody thought you'd last - they said it was just a passing phase that i'd get over, just like i'd gotten over everyone else. it can't mean much, if you can't communicate with each other. how else can you really understand each other?

but what is communication, really? is it not the volumes that are spoken when eyes meet, fingers brush against skin, eyelids flutter over the nape of a neck? is it not noticing, then getting used to - and then finally, being able to anticipate - the little nuances and quirks that make up a person, from the way he tilts his head to one side when he's thinking, to the way she purses her lips when she's engrossed in her work? 

here we are, a million potential misunderstandings and misinterpreted signals later. so many things that could have been lost in translation. so many things left unspoken... or were they? 

i look around me and see so many people hinging their love on words - on how soon or how late she says those three words; on how he worded his proposal; on the affectionate names he calls or doesn't call. and i'm thankful for what we share. all this while, i thought i needed someone who thought in words, in prose and poetry like i did. someone who would validate the channel through which i most naturally express myself. 

but it turns out, it's the expression that matters. not the channel. when it comes to expressing love, there is more than one way to say it, and words may be the simplest and most obvious way. but not the only way. maybe not even the best way. 

we place so much expectation on words. and while i believe in the power of words, it is not only the words which are important, but what's behind the words. take that away and the words on their own are nothing - empty, hollow. 

but when you have the patience, understanding, empathy, and kindness that's behind the words, you can take the words away and it would mean the same thing. 

and you taught me that. you taught me that falling for someone at first sight is not as stupid as it sounds, if your eyes have been doing the talking. and i don't know, maybe i'm a little biased, but i'm thinking it's better this way. to meet each other halfway, not expecting to understand, nor expecting to be understood, but giving the chance to be understood. and taking the chance to understand. to graciously extend tolerance and acceptance for when communication fails, because we're human, and it always fails, sooner or later. the irony is that the faster you accept it, the less it happens.

so for that, thank you.

"...it is pointless to sing of the sea if you are lost in the sand." -tyler knott gregson

creative experimentation: pages from a diary no.1

Enough

You are my island hideaway,
you keep danger far from the shore,
throw garlands of hosannas around my neck.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.

You have bedded me in lush meadows,
you find me quiet pools to drink from.

Each day you pour your unfailing love on me.

You arm me with strength and make my way perfect,
training my hands for battle,
strengthening my arm to draw a bronze bow.

You light my path,
your beauty and love chase after me
every day of my life.

You are enough.

For my situation, weaknesses, struggles, limitations, fears, history, background, doubts.

You have always been enough.

You will always be enough.

Forgiven

"He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west." -Psalm 103:12 

"Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven - for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." -Luke 7:47

It's hard to feel forgiven when the situations around you remind you of how far you've fallen from grace. It's hard to look at myself the way God sees me when I think the people around me don't see me that way.

It's such a struggle, but it's driving me to my knees to the only truth I know I can cling to - that no matter what anyone else thinks of me or how undeserving I am, I am washed, clean. As if my mistakes had never happened. And I am seen, held, and even loved, cherished.

Those people who may know better than me, be stronger than me, or wiser than me - yeah, sure, they may never have made the mistakes I have. But I take great comfort in the fact that when I sing the lines of "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me" I can mean every word. I can feel the weight of every ounce of grace that has been showered down on me.

So I might not have a perfect track record, but I know God doesn't see my sins as any lesser or greater than anyone else's because we all miss the mark.

But having 'worse' sins in the eyes of the world means I have more to be forgiven from...
more to be thankful for...
more reasons to extend grace...
and more reasons to love much.

I think there are some people out there who need to be reminded of this as much as I do.

Your scars and your past has made you who you are today. And who you are today can be beautiful. Because you are forgiven. And loved. And the love that spills over from knowing you are forgiven brings beauty.

Undeserving

"Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 

May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. 

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." 

-Ephesians 3:17-20

The past week, month, year - has been nothing short of a story of grace, undeserved, and blessing, poured out so immeasurably.

My cup overflows. I'm so thankful for the privileges, the opportunities, and the people that have come my way just to show me and remind me, when I was so close to giving up, that God is good.

That He cares about me. That He sees my struggles and fears and mistakes and unspoken hopes and dreams no one else knows about. And that He wants to bless me.

You are so good, God. You do infinitely more than I could ever ask or think, or hope for. You give beyond my wildest dreams. Your love and grace is beyond measure.

Safe

I haven't felt this vulnerable in a long, long time, and it scares me.

You keep tryin' to get inside my head,

While I keep trying to lose the words you said

Can't you see I'm hangin by a thread

To my life what I know, yeah I'm losing control

Oh no, my walls are gonna break

So close, its more than I can take

I'm so tired of turning and running away

When love just isn't safe

I'm strong enough, I've always told myself

I never want to need somebody else

But I've already fallen from that hill

So I'm dropping my guard
Here's your chance at my heart

I'm so tired of turning and running away 

When love just isn't everything you want, but its everything you need 

Its not always happy endings but its happy in-between 

Its taken so long, so long to finally see that

Your love is worth the risk 

Seen

Some rights reserved by quinet

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." -Matthew 10:29-31 (NKJV)

Tiny meows and little feet.

Blank eyes and a large garbage bag.

I stop my car and you patter underneath, your wobbly legs trembling with every step, broken tail trailing behind you.

I make a U-turn in the pouring rain and you are still there, carrying your heavy burden behind you, hunched over, hobbling along the highway as drivers speed past without a second glance.

You are just an abandoned stray kitten.

You are just an old, raggedy street bum.

Nobody sees you.

Nobody cares.

Why should they? You don't contribute anything of value. Nobody would notice if you're gone. That small bundle of skin and bones that will become tomorrow's roadkill. That mentally unstable, drugged out alcoholic whose own family doesn't even want him.

No one else sees you. But I do. And I cannot. look. away.

I cannot because I have questioned my own value and worth. I have wondered if anyone would even notice if I'm gone. I have believed that my life was meaningless and that I had nothing to hope for.

I cannot look away because if I believe those things to be true about you then I would have to believe the same thing about myself.

Nobody sees your struggles. Nobody sees mine. Nobody feels your loneliness. Nobody feels mine.

But I know that cannot be true. I know I am seen, held, even... loved. And the same arms that hold me and the same eyes that see me must belong to the same person who cares for you in the same way.

The same person who says that you are not insignificant.

You are not a number. You are not a statistic.

You are not just a pile of skin and bones.

You are not your past, your mistakes, or where you came from.

I must believe those things are true for you. So I can believe the same is true for me.

So I pick you up in my arms, a squirming bundle of claws and meows. I take you home and give you a bath. I send out an e-mail asking if anyone can give you a new home. I wait and hope for someone to give you a second chance.

So I stop my car in the thunderstorm and I ask, "Encik, mana you mau pergi?". And you mumble something incoherently and although I only drop you a short way down the road and even though I wonder if you even know where you want to go and if I made any difference at all, I hope at least you will realise you are not unseen.

“Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these, my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’" -Matthew 25:37-40

Dare you to move

It's been awhile since I wrote a raw, honest blog post. A friend said that it reflected the fact that I was growing up. And while I do believe self-censorship is a mark of maturity, and not all deeply personal thoughts are appropriate for public spaces, I think it's good once in awhile to carve time and space to be real.

We all need the reminder once in awhile that we're all human, we all struggle, we all make mistakes - and the best part is, we don't have to go through it all alone.

While I had an amazing time learning and experiencing a lot of new things in the UK, I returned from Malaysia a lot more guarded, and more used to being alone than before I left. It was hard to adjust back to having such a huge network of friends all over again, and to be a part of and identify with their lives (which had changed since I left) after experiencing such a different life for a year (I had changed since I left, too).

It took some time, but the more I discovered spaces where other people were honest and real, the more I felt it was okay to be honest and real. It's an ongoing process because starting a new job, being a part of so many new social circles, and adjusting to change in general, doesn't come easy. It's tempting to blend in and play down the unique strengths and personality traits and odd quirks that make me me.

I'm thankful that every time I feel totally insignificant and like I have nothing worthwhile to offer, a little burst of encouragement comes my way - in the form of a little note, some good one-to-one time with a friend over coffee, or a book. Or, like yesterday, Jayesslee - two gorgeous girls who on the outside, seem to 'have it all' - putting aside appearances and being totally vulnerable.

I struggled to hold back tears as they shared their story of losing their mother to cancer at such a young age and how they struggled with understanding a God who would take their mother from them. How they eventually came to find peace in Him, inspired by their mother, who became "happier and happier" the closer she got to eternity. And how in her final moments, with her last breaths, their mother lay in the hospital bed praising her Maker before she returned to Him. I cried because I knew if I had been in their shoes, I'd have broken down, over and over again.

I struggled to hold back tears as I think about the lyrics of Switchfoot's "Dare You to Move" that they covered - a song that has carried me through countless times I felt like giving up on hope. As they sang "Everybody's watching you now", I saw my teenage years flash past me. I saw this scared, would-do-anything-so-nobody-notices-me, insecure, and painfully shy girl that I used to be, who defined herself by the assumptions and judgements and perceptions people had about her.

As they sang "Welcome to the fallout / welcome to resistance / the tension is here ... between who you are and who you could be / between how it is and how it should be", I saw that scared girl find hope and strength in Someone who loved her in ways beyond what she dreamed of - but struggling and stumbling to believe such love could be for her. Who saw at the same time, a hundred reasons to believe in all she could be, but a hundred things that limited her from becoming that. And growing up constantly battling between those two sides.

As they sang "Dare you to move / like today never happened", I saw an older, more cynical, but not necessarily wiser girl stumble her way through college and university, making mistakes she wondered if she would ever heal from in the process. And the fear and weight of wondering if "today" had robbed her of the future.

Finally, as they sang "Maybe redemption has stories to tell / maybe forgiveness is right where you fell" I saw who I am today. Far from perfect, still broken, still making mistakes - but getting there, healing, and trying again. Someone learning to define herself more by what He says about me than what others think about me. Who finds more reasons to be brave than scared these days. Who carries scars from the past but wears them as medals of having healed well. Who still fights battles, every single day, but for whom giving up is no longer an option. Who lives a vast, beautiful, colourful, hope-filled life, painted with eternity.

When asked what was one piece of advice they wished to give to young people out there, the twins said it would be to live each day as if it were your last. So simple, so cliched - but for me, it was a precious reminder. I don't think we can have enough reminders every day - heck, even every hour to be reminded of the frailty of life.

Life is short. It's too short to waste dwelling on your fears and insecurities. We all have them. Life is too short to sit back and do nothing about your dreams. Life is too short to feel your heart moved in compassion for whatever unique cause you are compelled to (my heart has never been for evangelism in the slightest bit but show me an abandoned puppy or a starving child and my heart breaks into a million pieces) to not do anything to help change things. We cannot do everything, but as someone I look up to greatly, Mother Theresa, said: "We can do small things with great love."

Finally, life is to short to not love. Without love, life is nothing. Love your family. Love your friends. Love what you do. Love the situations and even the challenges you're placed in. Love who you are. Love the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, even if you haven't met him or her yet. Love, as in the verb, not the emotion.

I'll end with something I read this morning that really challenged me to get out there and live and love to the fullest:

I will do more than belong - I will participate.
I will do more than care - I will help.
I will do more than believe - I will practice.
I will do more than be fair - I will be kind.
I will do more than forgive - I will forget.
I will do more than dream - I will work.
I will do more than teach - I will inspire.
I will do more than earn - I will enrich.
I will do more than give - I will serve.
I will do more than live - I will grow.
I will do more than suffer - I will triumph.
-William Arthur Ward

May you be challenged to do the same.

Pirate gold: on spending and thriftiness

 Some rights reserved by वंपायर

As Asians, we grow up inculcated with the value of thriftiness. We're taught to spend carefully and save up for rainy days - which is probably the reason financial crises are always tamer in Asian economies and corporations compared to those seen in the West.

And it's a brilliant thing, being smart about how we spend our money - as long as we view our money as a tool to reach our end goals and not hoarding it as an end in itself. There's a big difference between someone who says "I want to be a billionaire", period, and someone who says "I want to be a billionaire so I can build affordable housing for the poor."

Speaking of money, I stumbled across this literary quote today:

“And in a day we should be rich!” she laughed. “I’d give it to you, the pirate gold and every bit of treasure we could dig up. I think you would know how to spend it. Pirate gold isn’t to be hoarded or utilized. It is something to throw to the four winds, for the fun of seeing the gold specks fly!” -Kate Chopin, The Awakening

I read one blogger's take on it:

"...since reading The Awakening in college, I have been thinking about [this quote] as something other than a joyful statement advocating spendthrift behavior.  I’ve been thinking about all the things that pirate gold is, in our lives, beyond actual gold. The tiny things – tying cleats, reheating noodles, checking homework, driving to school on a rime-frosted morning, folding pajama bottoms – these are not things to be rushed through so that I can finally get to Life. They are the gold flecks of life itself. 

Only when we realize that these moments are the gold of life itself do we fully appreciate the gorgeousness of their flight.  And, of course, the startling truth of their impermanence: what passes more quickly than gold flecks hurled into the wind? I read Chopin’s words, now, as an exhortation to spend, not to hoard: our time, our love, our energy, our spirit.  We only have today.  Why save up for a future that is unsure?   

...I am aware of an instinct, in myself and in others, to sometimes hunker down, preserve, conserve.  As though somehow our energy and love are zero-sum affairs.  That may be true of energy, as I get older, but I’m sure love is limitless."

I thought about a certain person who once told a crowd:

"Don't hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or—worse!—stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it's safe from moth and rust and burglars. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being." -Matthew 6:19-21 (The Message)

And I was reminded today of saving up - but for the right things. And learning to spend all the things I don't have to hoard. The things that multiply when they are freely tossed into the wind and shared, like faith and joy and love.

The more acquainted I get with the Bible, the more I find it to be full of radical, counter-cultural - even subversive truths that great minds from different eras and cultures and even different creeds and religions have echoed. Yes, there's plenty of timeless truths in there - but also plenty that turns conventional wisdom upside down.

My love is like the ocean

inspired by the quiet place and a certain muse

my love is like the ocean
vast and deep
and on nights like this
it doesn't need to be held in someone's arms
cannot be held in someone's arms

my love ebbs and flows and it rides on the waves of life
knowing no two mornings or evenings or sunsets
will ever be the same
ever
and stops to cherish all of it
before the tide comes and washes the moment away
out to sea

is where my love flits and dances
on shimmering freckles of golden light
and when the sun goes down
slows to a sway
rocking these precious memories of you
me
us
to sleep
moonbeam kisses
carry these postcards
from once upon a remembering
down, down to the depths of my love
where they will always stay
anchored
as the seasons and currents roll around them
always changing
like my love

wants you
but not squeezed into a note and bottled up
but without the need for bait
but not merely floating on the surface
that wants you
all of you

to be happy
to be free
to wander the lands and seas

to feel my love
bubbling, crashing, tripping, tumbling
all around you
as wild and free as you roam
flowing around the world
and back

to places you will see as though through new eyes
to places you will lay your head to rest
to places you will ask questions
to places you will search for answers

my love is like the ocean
and wherever you are it will follow you
and back
my love is like the ocean
untamed and fierce
but also sure
steady
enduring
the ocean
is
my love
my love
is
you