"May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears"

The week Alex that told me he had asked my parents blessing to marry me - was the week I flipped out and considered calling the relationship quits. In fact, I asked for a one-week break from all forms of communication so I could think things through without distraction. Call it cold feet, commitment phobia or whatever you may, that week was one of the main turning points of the relationship... the point at which I knew in my heart that I had made a decision and there was no turning back.

This was in January... and fast forward two months later, when he finally proposed last weekend, my "Yes" seemed like the most natural thing in the world to say. Because I'd already taken a long, hard look at whether this relationship was something I could see myself devoting myself to for the rest of my life.

I've always wondered how it felt like to 'just know' that you're ready to spend the rest of your life with one person. I'd never ever felt that way in any of my previous relationships. There was always something that didn't quite fit, that didn't add up. In my logical, pragmatic mind the best thing, when in doubt, was always to let go and move on. Preserving my freedom was important to me, and the whole notion of 'settling down' didn't quite sit well with my perspective that a relationship should be an adventure that opens you up to more of life's possibilities, instead of narrowing your options down.

Yet there were many times I wondered if I would end up on the shelf after everyone had 'settled down'. So, afraid of being alone, I settled time and again for guys who were not too bad. Who treated me nice and were generally good people. But they didn't share the same values and dreams I had or the same thirst for independence and adventure, and it just wasn't enough.

I often wondered if I had the most unreasonable demands. I felt guilty in every relationship I got into, fearing that I would somehow never be able to match up to the other person's expectations of what an Asian girlfriend should be like. I was often told that I 'intimidate' guys, because I liked being alone too much, had way too many opinions about everything, loved adventure, hated routine or repetition, and was incredibly self-motivated and driven to make something meaningful of my life, even if it meant leaving other people behind if they didn't share the same ambitions.

But I knew I wanted a man, not a boy. Someone whom I didn't have to hide my true colors from. Who was comfortable enough in his own skin and confident enough in his own ability to handle me for who I am - headstrong, stubborn, opinionated, independent and all.

So I decided to stop dating just because I was afraid of ending up alone and unwanted. In fact, I decided to stop doing anything just because I was afraid. I wanted to stop being motivated by fear, but by hope instead. After being disappointed and having my heart broken so many times, I desperately wanted to believe that there were better days ahead. I knew that change began with me, and with not being afraid to hope for what I really wanted.

I have never been the most optimistic person. Being highly pragmatic, I've always tended to be critical, pessimistic and judgmental. I could be a master in the art of imagining worst-case scenarios. But I decided to stop using my personality as an excuse.

I chose to believe that life is what we make of it. If we choose to be positive, no matter how bad things are, we will always find a silver lining. If I choose to live in a way that is big-hearted, generous, adventurous, and on occasion, all-out crazy, then I will attract someone just like that to do life with.

Maybe it is unreasonable to expect so much out of life. Do I really deserve it anyway? Maybe not, if I chose to think that way. But I believe that we attract - and accept - the love we think we deserve. If we value ourselves, we will find ourselves surrounded by people who value us. I wanted to believe that I was worth the kind of love I hoped for.

Nelson Mandela once said, "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears." That was the perspective I held on to as I stepped away from years of unhealthy mindsets, wrong assumptions, warped perspectives towards relationships and bitterness from the past.

And as I did, I stopped being so afraid. I stopped being afraid of 'settling', or on the other end of the scale, of 'being alone' because I was too afraid to settle. I stayed open to hope. It took many tears and many nights of soul-searching, but I had to let go of stupid fears like the fear of not reaching my target of being married by 24. Like the fear that it would just be a matter of time before I start feeling suffocated again like in all my other relationships. Like the fear that if Alex really knew me for who I am, he would think twice about wanting me. Or the fear that memories and hurts from our past relationships would be carried into our current relationship.

I was gripped by fears like these when I called for the break. We had been having several heated arguments in the weeks leading up to the break, and there were times it felt like we were on completely different wavelengths. Out of fear, I retreated back into my safety zone and distanced myself emotionally, distracting myself with work. At that point in time, work seemed genuinely more rewarding than the relationship. It made no demands, asked no questions, had no expectations. It gave me results in return for effort. So simple, uncomplicated, fuss-free. So unlike relationships.

And there I discovered my biggest fear - not that he wasn't right or the relationship wasn't right - but that I wasn't right. I wasn't ready to lay down my life to submit to another person, I wasn't willing to give up my rights and my independence. I wasn't good at dealing with my own emotions - how could I possibly be able to deal with another person's heart?

So I told him I needed some time out to think the relationship through, expecting a backlash and a questioning of whether my heart was really in this relationship. I expected him to fight, to cling on and try to persuade me to talk things out instead of just disappearing for a week, to start thinking and fearing the worst. If he did, I would be able to use that as the basis for why we would never work out anyway. But he didn't.

He said, okay, go ahead. And I began to sense that finally, here was a man in tune with my heart, who knew I needed some time to sort things out. Who was not afraid of losing me if it was for the better, who held me as loosely as he held everything else in his life - as gifts loaned from God for a little while, to be cherished, but not owned. Who knew that as much as he wanted to fix things, he wasn't the right person for the job.

In that one week, I went to the One and only person who could do that job. I poured my fears out to Him - that I was not good enough, that I had commitment issues, that I didn't deserve to be loved. And as I listened to myself, all I heard was 'I', 'I', 'I'. He gently began to remind me, that the cure to all my fears was to fix my eyes not on myself, but on hope. Hope for brighter tomorrows and for grace to guide us through every disagreement. Hope that we will not only survive the tough days, but that those days will draw us even closer together. And hope that the reason we are in this together is because the potential for what we can do together is greater compared to what we can do alone.

By the end of the week, the fears stopped mattering so much. I saw enough hope in the relationship to know I want to give everything I have to make it work. I know I'll have to keep working at it, keep seeing enough hope in it, keep letting go of the fear, but for now, my "Yes" is a start. A start of saying yes to learning to be less selfish, discovering I can still be myself and go on adventures even when there's someone beside me (it's actually more fun!), and learning that where there's faith, hope and love, there's no room for fear. 

you keep dancing

"...though we can't undo what has been done, we can choose to begin again. to stand in the sun and let the shadows fall behind us. to throw off our shame, fear and anger. to see our beauty and our brokenness." // Freeway

"When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It's to enjoy each step along the way." // Wayne Dyer

"What is the point of doing XtraMile and everyone out there thinking you're suchhh a hero when you couldn't even care about this relationship?!?" I screamed. And even as those hurtful, sarcasm-drenched words came out of my mouth, I felt a pang in my chest because those words sounded exactly like words that my parents have said to me before. Words that I swore never to repeat to anyone else.

"You are involved in so many activities, you serve in church, you're a leader and everyone thinks you are soooo angelic, and you can't even clean up your room or listen to your parents?!?" Ouch.

I remember that feeling well - the pain of disappointing the people closest to you, of giving your best but somehow, your best intentions get lost in translation and is completely lost on those nearest and dearest to you. No amount of encouragement and compliments from the rest of the world makes a difference when you feel like those closest to you don't even believe in you. And here I was, making someone else feel that exact same way.

If you're like me, you're a people-pleaser. You genuinely live to put a smile on someone else's face. And you want to be a world-changer. You will pour your heart and soul into a cause if you believe it will change things. But sometimes, in the midst of all the people-pleasing and world-changing, we end up hurting the ones we love the most. Somehow, when life accelerates to top speed, we tend to neglect the simple things. Like saying "Good morning". Like hugs and kisses. Like dinner together.

So often, we assume that those dear to us should just "know" the amount of things of our plate and understand that our priorities need to be "slightly" readjusted "temporarily". But perspective is always subjective, and it's easier to see things from just one point of view. We assume because they know us so well, they will be more understanding and forgiving. But often, when conflict erupts, we find out along the way that even those closest to us don't understand or know how much we are struggling to cope.

It takes one sarcastic remark that spilled over from a stressful day at work to trigger a full-blown three hour argument. But equally, it takes one small "I'm really tired - I need your help with this" to help the other person understand what you're going through. It's those small remarks that make all the difference between a relationship growing stronger or falling apart when life hurls incredible pressure your way.

Yet knowing those things doesn't make it any easier to take the high ground. Knowing that an honest answer is better than a sarcastic one doesn't stifle that human impulse to just want to vent my frustration somewhere, anywhere, and most often it ends up directed towards those closest person around.

Life happens. Arguments happen. So how do we deal with it? One of my colleagues shared this perspective, after going through a tough season with her daughter: "I tell myself that people act their worst, with those they feel the safest with. That's because they know that no matter how bad things get, you won't walk away from them."

And it's true. So often, we react to conflict defensively, because we feel like we're being targeted. But very often, the conflict arises when one side is desperately trying to reach out for help, but is being misread. Conflict happens because two parties care. Otherwise, it would be easier to walk away.

There have been many times I've felt like running away from relationships. Like giving up on trying to build bridges and communicating because sometimes it feels like the other party is not putting in as much effort as I am. But I'm learning that relationships - whether at work, with family, or with my partner - cannot be about counting and comparing. Nobody wins that way. Rather, a relationship is a balancing act, a dance. Both parties take turns supporting each other, accommodating each other, forgiving each other. One of the pastors in the church I go to said, "When you work with people, toes are bound to get stepped on. But when that happens, you can complain, or you can dance with it."

And I'm learning that sometimes, you choose not to walk away, not because you don't ever get hurt. You stay because somehow, in the midst of all the hurt, you've found a safe place. You've found someone who may not always agree with you, but who cares deeply. You've found someone who may not always meet your expectations, but whom you can trust.

So what do I do after a three-hour long argument that stretches into the wee hours of the morning, right after the adrenaline and exhaustion of a hectic XtraMile weekend, knowing that a few hours later, I have to be back in the office, planning for two more upcoming huge events that are just a couple days away? I shed a few frustrated tears, let out a sigh, take a deep breath, say sorry, wash my face, go to bed... and just start all over again. For as long as you can keep finding that safe place, somehow, you can can keep trying again. With the relationships that really matter, you always find a way to start again, and you keep dancing. 

What good arguments look like and why they're so important to a relationship

This morning I had a little tiff with the partner over something trivial - one of those "I thought you knew", "But you didn't say", "But it goes without saying", "But you also didn't say" kinda things.

After about ten minutes into the conversation, when it started to get a little silly, I exclaimed in frustration, "It doesn't make sense - I don't even know who's wrong or what's wrong and it's so frustrating!" To which he calmly replied, "Things don't always have to make sense. There's nothing wrong. It's just that you have a mind of your own, and I have a mind of my own, and we're both trying to work at understanding each other. That's all."

And immediately it hit me how true that was - arguments don't always need to make sense, and they don't always need to have a clear winner or loser. The reason arguments happen - the good ones at least - is because two people who express themselves and see things very differently are simply trying to get across to each other in the way that they know how.

He laughed and reminded me of the arguments we had just a few weeks ago when his phone stopped working properly and every phone call was barely audible and a test in patience. I truly believed that the faulty phone was the main reason for our arguments, but even with his new phone, here we were again, bickering over something else. "See, whether or not we have problems with our phones, whether we have frequent connectivity or contact with each other or not, as long as there is communication, there will be misunderstandings."

It's true - arguments are never just about what is being argued over. It's not just about that thing or that situation or that comment or that mistake - it's about individual hearts longing to be understood, frustrated at not being able to understand.

We continued the conversation over a good dinner at a beautiful restaurant, which led to a little bit more understanding, and eventually trailed off to other topics, interspersed by bouts of jokes and laughter. Even though the day was started on a tense note, it eventually ended on a great one. And that's what good arguments should do for a relationship.

Good arguments should leave you with a little bit more insight into what makes the other person ticks - they should bring you closer together, in fact. Because with each argument, you understand that much more about the person than anyone else does. It's not just the happy, good moments together that strengthen the foundation of a relationship. It's every single thing that makes the relationship you share unique, special, intimate, and exclusive - including the arguments. 

Gentle, quiet days

You know you're too busy...

...if you've forgotten the last time you saw a sunset.

...if you don't remember what it feels like to answer the question with "How are you?" with anything but "Busy but good!"

...if you've forgotten what a home cooked meal feels like.

...if the only thing your conversations revolve around is work.

Not too long ago, I was having one of those "too busy" seasons. I told myself I was being productive, that this was normal, that I was busy because I was being a useful person. But as anyone who has been too busy knows, there is nothing productive and normal about feeling constantly rushed, hurried, impatient, and edgy.

I'm thankful for a boyfriend who cares enough to speak the truth to me, even if it sometimes stings. "You know, there's this saying - beware the barrenness of a busy life," he said to me, following one of my mini-breakdowns. I was feeling exhausted and drained - physically and emotionally - and I was in reactive mode,  simply responding to urgent things that needed to be done rather than taking charge of my to-do list and operating from a sense of vision and priority.

At times like that, you know it's time to pull the emergency brakes... or risk hurtling full speed towards disaster.

It's not easy making space for downtime - there is always something to do, something to meet up with, some errand to run, and the list goes on.

Fortunately, I have an amazing boyfriend. In full support of me getting some sanity back into my life (for his own sanity as well!), he cleared his calendar just as I cleared mine, and we took a little trip on a Saturday morning for some time out and just doing nothing together.

Days like these are seriously underrated. People don't talk enough about what a world of good it does - for clarity of mind, for renewed motivation, for one's self-esteem, for one's sense of purpose - to have days of just taking the time to rest, to recharge, to unplug from all the doing and to just be. 

To take time for a cuppa without a phone in hand, trying to reply e-mails at the same time, but to look another person in the eyes and have a full conversation without being interrupted by notifications and message alerts. Days where the noise of the world fades out, even if only for a little while, and you hear your heart whisper a little bit louder. Days that are gentle enough to remind you what breathing feels like.

Days to lose track of time, and enjoy the sweet simplicity of the bright blue skies, the scent of rain, and little trinkets of nature. To get lost in how small I really am when I look up and look around. To remember that in spite of my accomplishments and titles and my occasionally inflated sense of self-importance, I am only a small part of a bigger picture.

Days for holding hands... and for knowing that my heart is held as well, safely in the arms of a Creator who created me for doing good works - but also for enjoying the rest He gives.

“Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." -Jeremiah 6:16

It dawned on me recently that I've been working for almost 3 years now. In recent months, I've started giving a portion of my income to my parents every month, I've signed up for an insurance policy, and I will be paying income tax for the first time this year! 

In the crossroads of growing up and learning what it means to be an adult (ohmygosh!), I'm realising that it's not the big, life-changing moments that define the kind of adult I'm growing into. It's the little actions, the every day tasks, the simple conversations with those around me that form habits, perspectives, and patterns of thinking and acting. 

I earnestly want the habits and patterns I'm forming to be the good ones. I want to be the kind of adult in the future that I would want to have as a mentor today.

And so I'm learning that rest is an important discipline to cultivate! Better now at the peak of my health than later, when it might be too late to reverse certain effects of neglecting to rest. I want the years that go by to produce in me a soul that is fuller, livelier, more at rest, more contented, more peaceful, rather than a soul that has allowed bitterness, cynicism, tiredness, compromise, or disillusionment to creep in. 

"Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls." -Matthew 11:29 

Thoughts on submitting and being led

"How do I submit to another person's leading... without losing my identity?" I asked Jade, one of my church leaders. "It's something I struggle with... I know as women, we're supposed to submit, but when you're already so independent and happy on your own, how do you submit without changing who you are? And how do you trust that person enough to know he will lead you the right way?"

She replied, "Yes, it's true that as women we're called to submit to our husbands... but even before that, there is a higher calling for the men - to love their wives... as Christ loved the church. That is such a huge, almost impossible task, you know. And if a man can live up to that, I don't think it will be such a struggle to submit."

She went on to add, "Sometimes I struggle as well... why should I listen to him, how do I know he loves me... but then I realise that he has this bigger responsibility of caring for me, and so everything he does is done with me in mind. He would not make any decision without believing that it is the best decision for the both of us, because it's his job to be responsible for both of us. And knowing that helps me to submit."

Her words reminded me of something a former youth pastor of mine said recently at a friend's wedding: "Wives, it is easy to submit to your husbands in everything... when you know you are his everything."

I couldn't help thinking how true this is when recently, I went on a road trip with my significant other, and after a pit stop, he passed me his iPad to enter some figures so he could track his mileage and fuel efficiency. As I typed in what he asked me to type, I couldn't help glancing at all the other notes he had saved on his iPad and the various categories he budgeted and tracked his expenditure for. What caught my eye was a category titled "Crys and I", and I heard Jade's words echo in my ears in that moment: "He has this bigger responsibility... and so everything he does is done with me in mind."

I've done relationships before but I don't think I've ever fully appreciated what it meant to trust and submit to another person because you know that person has the best in mind for you. I think I've taken it for granted the many questions and responsibilities that run through a guy's mind when he decides to pursue a girl. I've often complained, for sure, about how being a girl sucks because all we do is wait for guys to pluck up their courage... but I think catching a glimpse of black and white numbers, and solid, heavy-duty responsibilities made me realise the gravity of being the initiating party.

I know we live in the 21st century and there are many women in relationships completely capable of bringing in an equal share of the bacon, if not a bigger one - but I still believe that as women, it is so important we're pursued and led. Sure, we are perfectly capable of holding our own and taking the lead if need be, and some feminists might argue that the world would be a better place if we indeed did take the lead. I don't want to speak for other women, but for me, there is nothing quite as empowering as knowing that the man I chose is smart, strong, confident, brave, and capable enough to lead me, to pursue me, to make me feel secure, cherished, protected, appreciated, delighted in, and loved.

It hit me that in all my stressing out about "How do I submit? Why should I even submit?" I'd forgotten how much more terrifying it must feel on the other side. Submitting is easy when you know you're loved, after all. But making someone know they're loved, especially when you don't speak the same language of love, being responsible for that person's heart, being responsible for the pace of the relationship and ultimately its success or failure, being able to provide not just for another person's physical but also emotional needs - that is no small or easy calling.

That night as he sent me home after our road trip, we were talking about our budgets and spending, and he turned to me and said, "I hope you realise I'm not saying this to be calculative, but because I'm thinking about a future we need to save for... our future."

And I understood. That in every decision, even though I might not realise it at the time, I was being considered. That leading a relationship is not about wearing the pants or getting to be "the boss", but it's in words left unsaid or boundaries drawn because it's not the right time... yet. That taking the lead is tough, requires sacrifice, and a great deal of patience, especially in the times the party you are trying to lead and look out for doesn't realise what you're doing at the moment (I admit, I am sometimes the guilty party in this).  But I am so thankful that even though it's tough, there still are brave men around willing and ready to take on that challenge. Who love not just in flowery words or grand gestures but in action, in living it out sacrificially, consistently, and faithfully, day in and day out. 

Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch

Some rights reserved by DeaPeaJay

I was sitting at Butter + Beans at Seventeen, working on a writing project that has been burning inside me, one that I've been putting off for years now. Not too long after I decided to take some time out from incessantly being on social media, I began to feel that stir to write again.

And so I sat there on a lazy Monday afternoon, on a beautiful public holiday, at a counter facing outside the café as raindrops trickled down the glass (making it an even more perfect setting to be inspired). I wrote a couple of pages about falling quickly in and out of love with climbing and realising that phase of my life was not a waste because it inspired another friend to take climbing really seriously, and about how our stories are all connected and intertwined. I wrote that sometimes we go through life and we think are stories are about ourselves, but they're actually also part of someone else's story. Our lives have an immeasurable ripple effect on other lives.

As I wrote up, I looked up and occasionally met eyes with a pretty girl sitting at the table next to mine, just because we were sitting directly opposite each other. She was with a group of people and they were laughing and talking. After I had filled about three pages with words, it was time for a toilet break. As I made my way back to my table after, she approached me.

"You're Crystal, right? Crystal Cha?"

I paused. It was one of those I-feel-like-I-should-recognise-you-but-I-really-don't moments.

"Um... do I know you from somewhere?" I asked hesitatingly. "Do we have friends in common or something?"

She laughed. "Yeah, actually, we do."

And without mentioning names, it then dawned on me that she was my ex's ex. Yup, my ex's ex. You'd think that what would ensue next would be quite an awkward conversation, given our common history, and the fact that naturally, I've heard about her, I'm pretty sure she's heard about me, and we've probably, like, stalked each other on Facebook, but we've never met in real life.

But it was the most surprisingly natural conversation that followed. I don't know whether it's hipster coffee places or it's just me, but I seem to attract a lot of these random but good conversations while sitting at coffee joints.

We sat down, and chatted briefly about what we're doing at work and the common experience we shared of learning to be friends with someone after dating that person, of seeing an ex as a friend and an individual, instead of as a partner playing a role. We talked about how he was probably one of the only ex-es we've been able to stay good friends with after. And she told me how she wants to go into acting as it's always been a childhood dream of hers. She told me how she used to read my blog, that I was a really good writer, and that I should write a book one day.

She also said, "You know, I probably shouldn't say this, but I was really rooting for you guys."

And I said, "Yeah, well... I guess that's life. Sometimes it's just the circumstances or the timing that's not right."

"Yeah, that's true."

Pretty intense stuff for a ten-minute conversation. 

As I sat down later to mull over the completely random conversation I stumbled upon, I started thinking about how normal and natural it felt. Meeting sometime who has played a role like that in the life of someone who was so much a part of a past life could have been, in a different setting, at a different time, incredibly painful or incredibly awkward. And yet it wasn't.

There used to be a time when, because of that past chapter of my life, I couldn't listen to certain artists or certain songs because it was just. so. painful. Everything reminded me of what I once had, everything gave me a reason to miss those little things. But as I sit here now typing this and listening to those songs, I know that things are different now. I know that time has passed, wounds have healed, friendships have been rekindled, mistakes forgotten.

As I thought about the conversation I had, I realised that I was now officially friends with both the ex-es that my ex dated before and after we were together. But the labels don't matter any more. Ex, ex's ex... at the end of the day, we're all just individuals with our stories to tell.

Perhaps it's true that birds of a feather flock together. And perhaps mistakes may be made but even after all is said and done, there is still something that keeps drawing kindred spirits together. Ex or ex's exes, these people have inspired me and encouraged me and undoubtedly played a role in my life. Mistakes and all, I'm thankful that they've been part of my journey.

Like I wrote earlier, I do deeply believe that our stories are all connected, no matter how strange or unlikely the connections might be sometimes. I used to be the type of person who could just move on from one group of friends to another, because how can you possibly fit so many people into your life if new ones keep walking in, I used to think.

But I'm finding more and more now that the people who leave a mark on your life never really leave you. You can spend miles and years apart but the memories you've shared with them and the lessons they've taught you will never ever disappear. As one movie puts it, "Our fingerprints never fade from the live we've touched."

So here's to cherishing our connections to each other. The random, unlikely, unexpected, but oh-so beautiful, special, and unique connections we stumble across as we go about minding our own business. These connections shake up our comfortable little lives and help us see the world through another person's eyes, and they leave us never the same again.

Don't be afraid of connection. Yes, nothing will quite replace the 'firsts'. Nothing will replace the space certain people will always have in your heart. But there will be new 'firsts' to embrace. And the heart always makes room for more. 

Life together

Some rights reserved by ROSS HONG KONG

Today, I am thankful for the ones who care enough to ask us the hard questions.

Who ask, 'What if...?' and 'Why not...?' when you're frustrated and tired and just plain joyless.

The ones who help you see beyond the confusion of today and remember the tomorrow that you've been working towards. The ones who cut through the clutter of your niggling worries and self-doubt and remind you of how far you've come. The ones who remind you to give yourself permission to just rest, or to just be.

There used to be a time when I got tired of being around people and wondered if I could ever learn to trust people and let people in again. I'm so glad I did, because nothing else I've done in my life has been more worth it than learning to love all over again and learning to live in community. 

Hope is...

hope...

is not ignoring the past,

is not running away from the pain,

is not denying no mistakes were made.

hope... 

is not being naive, 

is not being oblivious to the unanswered questions.

but hope is coming to that fork in the road...

and saying yes

to starting afresh,

to believing again,

to the possibility that tomorrow will be a better day. 

hope is trying again where you have failed,

is loving again when you have been burned,

is believing again what you have doubted. 

hope is letting go of the need to have all the answers,

to have everything tied up into pretty, controllable, understandable, tidy little packages,

and diving in and embracing the beautiful, messy, chaotic truth

that i am not done with my changes

that getting lost and finding my way back again,

that being taken apart and being put back again,

that falling and getting up again,

is part of the journey. 

and hope is saying,

i don't know if i can make it, i don't know if i have what it takes, 

but okay,

i'm ready

to begin again. 

When you know you're loved

It's wedding season! I think I've lost count of how many weddings I've been for in the last two months, and I still have a couple more coming up in the month ahead!

I was at a wedding today at which my former youth church pastor was speaking. She said to the women in the crowd: "Wives, it is easy to submit in everything to your husbands when you know you are his everything."

When she said those words, it hit me how a wedding is such a beautiful picture of God's relationship with His church.

It's taken me long, winding journeys running away from church and religion and all the issues I had with it, to finally coming full circle. To a place where God, and church, is the highlight of my week, and the source of my strength and joy.

I realised that those words could be applied to our relationship with God. It's easy to submit to the circumstances He has placed you in when your perspective is that wherever He has you, He has you there for a reason, and it's a pretty darn good one. It's easy to trust that the job He's placed you in, the family He's placed you in, the season He's allowed you to be in, is meant for your good. When you know, not just in your head, but in your heart, that you are cherished, and loved... man. Nothing anyone says about you can take that away from you. Even the worst day can't get you down.

Sure, life is not problem-free or stress-free. Sometimes there are more questions than answers. Sometimes the circumstances you are in can feel totally complicated. But even in the beautiful mess of life, submitting, trusting, believing... can be easy, when you know you are loved. 

I don't know about you, but when people tell me that I seem to be enjoying life or my job a lot, I know that's not because I have the greatest life or job on earth (although in my mind, I do!), but because I know I'm loved, and that changes my reactions, my attitude, and my feelings towards everything that comes my way.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." // Jeremiah 29:11

not sitting around waiting

i did not anticipate how many comments writing a post about my ideal guy would invite. one part of me is happy to know people are reading what i write and taking the time to share their thoughts... another part of me feels like i need to clarify my last post by saying this:

just because i have a list of ideals i am looking for in a guy doesn't mean firstly, it's a hard and fast list, or that things can't change - that i can't change. and secondly, neither does it mean that i'm desperately on the lookout for a guy to meet those criteria.

many people also commented about love being all about looking past a person's weaknesses... sticking through thick and thin... not about being perfect but about making the effort... and all that. which is all well and fine, but what makes one guy different from the other, then? why not just settle for anyone who comes along? or the first one to come along?

why not? if finding my dream guy was my ultimate purpose in life, that would make sense. find a decent guy who's willing to work at a relationship... and work as hard as possible at it and have an incredible story to tell of how we stuck through thick and thin.

but that's not my ultimate purpose in life. i used to want to travel the world, influence people, and be a writer - but lately i have been challenged to give up those dreams. it's difficult, yes. but yet i'm discovering more and more that when you give up your own dreams and plans... God doesn't really take them away completely... but he gives you more than those things. i don't know where all the open doors and amazing opportunities life has brought my way is taking me... but i know it's leading me somewhere and there's no way i'm going to give up this amazing journey i'm on for some guy, no matter how great he is, if he's going to pull me away from where God has called me to.

also, finally, i've been told - don't have so many ideals - just find a man who loves God. but i truly believe that if a man was chasing God with all his heart, not just being a sunday christian, he would already meet most of the ideals on my list already.

and my question about asking for the moon? it was a rhetorical question. i know tons (okay, maybe not tons, but a handful at least) of amazing, passionate, God-loving and single guys who are doing things with their lives and making a difference wherever they are. i just don't know which one is for me... yet. ;)

and you know what? guys like that, who'd meet the criteria on my list? they're not the ones sitting around waiting for some dream girl to complete their lives either. yes, they might dream of her and wish they would meet her sooner - but regardless, they'd be out there, getting stuff done, discovering bit by bit what makes their hearts beat strong, making good use of time that doesn't have to be devoted to a partner, and growing more and more into the men they were meant to be. 

unspoken

for someone who makes a living out of stringing words together, i guess it's pretty ironic that i'd fall for someone i can barely communicate with in my first language. most of our conversations involve a mix of different languages, hand gestures, animated facial expressions, repeated attempts to get the message across, and occasional sighs of exasperation.

nobody thought you'd last - they said it was just a passing phase that i'd get over, just like i'd gotten over everyone else. it can't mean much, if you can't communicate with each other. how else can you really understand each other?

but what is communication, really? is it not the volumes that are spoken when eyes meet, fingers brush against skin, eyelids flutter over the nape of a neck? is it not noticing, then getting used to - and then finally, being able to anticipate - the little nuances and quirks that make up a person, from the way he tilts his head to one side when he's thinking, to the way she purses her lips when she's engrossed in her work? 

here we are, a million potential misunderstandings and misinterpreted signals later. so many things that could have been lost in translation. so many things left unspoken... or were they? 

i look around me and see so many people hinging their love on words - on how soon or how late she says those three words; on how he worded his proposal; on the affectionate names he calls or doesn't call. and i'm thankful for what we share. all this while, i thought i needed someone who thought in words, in prose and poetry like i did. someone who would validate the channel through which i most naturally express myself. 

but it turns out, it's the expression that matters. not the channel. when it comes to expressing love, there is more than one way to say it, and words may be the simplest and most obvious way. but not the only way. maybe not even the best way. 

we place so much expectation on words. and while i believe in the power of words, it is not only the words which are important, but what's behind the words. take that away and the words on their own are nothing - empty, hollow. 

but when you have the patience, understanding, empathy, and kindness that's behind the words, you can take the words away and it would mean the same thing. 

and you taught me that. you taught me that falling for someone at first sight is not as stupid as it sounds, if your eyes have been doing the talking. and i don't know, maybe i'm a little biased, but i'm thinking it's better this way. to meet each other halfway, not expecting to understand, nor expecting to be understood, but giving the chance to be understood. and taking the chance to understand. to graciously extend tolerance and acceptance for when communication fails, because we're human, and it always fails, sooner or later. the irony is that the faster you accept it, the less it happens.

so for that, thank you.

"...it is pointless to sing of the sea if you are lost in the sand." -tyler knott gregson

creative experimentation: pages from a diary no.1

You are not an island

I am (reluctantly) getting to the end of Chuck Season 5, and after watching Ep. 8 (Chuck vs. The Baby), I am reminded about what draws me to the series. The series starts out with Sarah being this tough-as-nails, hardcore, self-made, independent woman and as we get to know her better, we discover pieces of her past that's made her who she is today - someone who doesn't depend on anyone and trusts only her instinct.

Except that meeting Chuck would change her life forever. The cold-blooded spy / assassin falls in love with a clueless yet endearingly earnest geek and somehow he manages to get past all her layers of defense and get close enough to her that she cannot imagine life without him. She lets her guard down, allows herself to be vulnerable, and repeatedly risks her life for Chuck. 

Yet even after all they've been through together, when it comes to a past that comes back to haunt her, Sarah is still unable to be completely 100% honest with Chuck. She still feels the need to 'fix' things on her own - which her enemy uses against her. There's a scene in that episode where he tells her that she's never learned - even though she has a team, she still chooses to fight her battles alone and isolate herself from anyone who could back her up.

End of the day, without spoiling the plot, Chuck refuses to let her get away with hiding things from him and pursues her, and together with the team they save her. She realises she does need others to depend on and she actually wants to be able to trust and depend on others, especially Chuck.

It's been a really timely watch as this week I've been feeling a little overwhelmed with just... living. And feeling like I can't tell others because it'll just be dumping a huge load of emotions on them and burdening them with my little problems and worries. And I struggle to let myself lean on others when I'm feeling this way and instead often just try to figure things out alone.

I was reminded by this episode and the most heartfelt poem from the sweetest boyfriend ever that I do have people to lean on. And people in the office have been reaching out to me and generously offering advice, time, and help in finding my way around as I embark on a new project at work - without me even deliberately seeking it out.

Lately I've been repeatedly told, "Don't try to do everything on your own. If you need help ask, ask ask."

And I've been feeling incredibly blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing, passionate, big-hearted, generous people. Just half a year ago, I was desperately needing to be reminded that there were good people in the world... things have changed since.

I've been reminded that there are good people willing to lend a helping hand or listening ear when life gets overwhelming. Sometimes we just need to brush aside our discomfort or shyness and just ask.

We're not meant to do life alone. We go so much further, and see things so much clearer, when we learn to depend on others and tap into their strengths and insights while sharing our own.

"We are like dwarfs sitting on the shoulders of giants. We see more, and things that are more distant, than they did, not because our sight is superior or because we are taller than they, but because they raise us up, and by their great stature add to ours." -St. John of Salisbury

Song of the month: Just A Kiss by Lady Antebellum

This has to be one of the rawest, most honest love songs I've ever heard - and its music video, breathtaking. (Okay I admit my opinions are largely due to the fact that it's set in Paris and features two backpacking travelers who have a chance encounter with each other.)

But the lyrics are the life of this song and capture perfectly the uncertainty and hesitancy in the early stages of falling for someone.

lyin’ here with you so close to me

it’s hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe

caught up in this moment

caught up in your smile

i’ve never opened up to anyone

so hard to hold back when i’m holding you in my arms

we don’t need to rush this

let’s just take this slow

I don't know about you, but my natural instinct is to rush into what I see as good things. "As soon as possible" is usually the best answer to the question of "When?", when it comes to what I want. After all, if it's a good thing, why wait, right? 

Or so I'd always thought. But I think for most, there will come a time when something comes your way and suddenly you realize this isn't something you want to hurry or rush into - but to take as slowly and handle with as much care as possible, because you're so afraid that one wrong move could mess it up. 

just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight

just a touch in the fire burning so bright

and i don’t want to mess this thing up

i don’t want to push too far

just a shot in the dark that you just might

be the one i’ve been waiting for my whole life

so baby i’m alright, with just a kiss goodnight

Instead of asking how much you can get out of this - you find yourself asking, how little can I get by on, if just to make this thing last longer?

i know that if we give this a little time

it will only bring us closer to the love we wanna find

it’s never felt so real, no it’s never felt so right

You find yourself willing to wait if the circumstances demand it, willing to spend a lot of time apart from what you really want - believing that when you get it, it will be everything you hoped it would be. 

no i don’t want to say goodnight

i know it’s time to leave, but you’ll be in my dreams tonight

so baby i’m alright, oh, let’s do this right, with just a kiss goodnight

And maybe, maybe you realize that falling for someone (these days, I'm so hesitant to even use the word 'love' flippantly) is not about how far you can go or how much you can get from the other person, but it's about something to hope for, something to hold on to, something to cherish and nurture and protect - for the long haul. Even if it means holding back your instincts and what you want, for now. 

It's about finding something that makes it not easy, but okay, to be patient for. Because it's that worth it.