"How do I submit to another person's leading... without losing my identity?" I asked Jade, one of my church leaders. "It's something I struggle with... I know as women, we're supposed to submit, but when you're already so independent and happy on your own, how do you submit without changing who you are? And how do you trust that person enough to know he will lead you the right way?"
She replied, "Yes, it's true that as women we're called to submit to our husbands... but even before that, there is a higher calling for the men - to love their wives... as Christ loved the church. That is such a huge, almost impossible task, you know. And if a man can live up to that, I don't think it will be such a struggle to submit."
She went on to add, "Sometimes I struggle as well... why should I listen to him, how do I know he loves me... but then I realise that he has this bigger responsibility of caring for me, and so everything he does is done with me in mind. He would not make any decision without believing that it is the best decision for the both of us, because it's his job to be responsible for both of us. And knowing that helps me to submit."
Her words reminded me of something a former youth pastor of mine said recently at a friend's wedding: "Wives, it is easy to submit to your husbands in everything... when you know you are his everything."
I couldn't help thinking how true this is when recently, I went on a road trip with my significant other, and after a pit stop, he passed me his iPad to enter some figures so he could track his mileage and fuel efficiency. As I typed in what he asked me to type, I couldn't help glancing at all the other notes he had saved on his iPad and the various categories he budgeted and tracked his expenditure for. What caught my eye was a category titled "Crys and I", and I heard Jade's words echo in my ears in that moment: "He has this bigger responsibility... and so everything he does is done with me in mind."
I've done relationships before but I don't think I've ever fully appreciated what it meant to trust and submit to another person because you know that person has the best in mind for you. I think I've taken it for granted the many questions and responsibilities that run through a guy's mind when he decides to pursue a girl. I've often complained, for sure, about how being a girl sucks because all we do is wait for guys to pluck up their courage... but I think catching a glimpse of black and white numbers, and solid, heavy-duty responsibilities made me realise the gravity of being the initiating party.
I know we live in the 21st century and there are many women in relationships completely capable of bringing in an equal share of the bacon, if not a bigger one - but I still believe that as women, it is so important we're pursued and led. Sure, we are perfectly capable of holding our own and taking the lead if need be, and some feminists might argue that the world would be a better place if we indeed did take the lead. I don't want to speak for other women, but for me, there is nothing quite as empowering as knowing that the man I chose is smart, strong, confident, brave, and capable enough to lead me, to pursue me, to make me feel secure, cherished, protected, appreciated, delighted in, and loved.
It hit me that in all my stressing out about "How do I submit? Why should I even submit?" I'd forgotten how much more terrifying it must feel on the other side. Submitting is easy when you know you're loved, after all. But making someone know they're loved, especially when you don't speak the same language of love, being responsible for that person's heart, being responsible for the pace of the relationship and ultimately its success or failure, being able to provide not just for another person's physical but also emotional needs - that is no small or easy calling.
That night as he sent me home after our road trip, we were talking about our budgets and spending, and he turned to me and said, "I hope you realise I'm not saying this to be calculative, but because I'm thinking about a future we need to save for... our future."
And I understood. That in every decision, even though I might not realise it at the time, I was being considered. That leading a relationship is not about wearing the pants or getting to be "the boss", but it's in words left unsaid or boundaries drawn because it's not the right time... yet. That taking the lead is tough, requires sacrifice, and a great deal of patience, especially in the times the party you are trying to lead and look out for doesn't realise what you're doing at the moment (I admit, I am sometimes the guilty party in this). But I am so thankful that even though it's tough, there still are brave men around willing and ready to take on that challenge. Who love not just in flowery words or grand gestures but in action, in living it out sacrificially, consistently, and faithfully, day in and day out.
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