the other day, someone referred to me as "crystal the runner". when i heard that, i wanted to burst into laughter, because one year ago, the thought would have seemed so ridiculous, so improbable.
one year ago, i hated running and could barely run for more than ten minutes without stopping. since then, i've grown from running only to exercise and keep fit - to absolutely enjoying it, and wanting to continually increase my distance and speed.
one year ago, i only joined standard chartered's 10k race only because a friend had to pull out and was looking to sell her bib, so i thought i'd give it a shot (fully expecting to have to walk half the way!). but not only did i run the 10k all the way to the end, surprising myself - i have not stopped running since, surprising myself even more! i've done a couple 10ks and three 21ks - but more recently, in the past month, i've discovered run for the nation and have done a series of 5k prayer runs with them.
the story of how i 'accidentally' fell in love with running is a very close one to my heart - because it is intertwined with the story of how i fell in love with two things all over again in the past year - my country, and my God.
one year ago, i felt completely adrift. i had just returned from the uk and coming back to malaysia meant coming back to a whole new life, a whole new set of friends - and a job that i didn't choose for myself, but one that i was bonded to because of my scholarship. i felt like a random piece of driftwood bobbing about on waves in the middle of nowhere, with nothing to anchor me down. at the time, practically my whole circle of close friends were overseas while i was settling back here. i felt like malaysia was not the place i was meant to be, that something was wrong, because i felt so out of place.
one year ago, i stopped going to church for a few months because i felt like such a hypocrite. me, the christian church girl, who had grown up serving in church, for whom church had always been a second home, found myself questioning everything i believed and wanting to run away from it all when i couldn't find the answers i was looking for.
and one year (and a bit) later, everything has changed. i mean, everything. has. changed.
someone said to me the other day (after cracking joke after joke about frogs), "i can't help it! when i look at you, i see... frog!" (i work in an amazing company called FrogAsia, for the record.) i was like... "gee, thanks." but inwardly, i knew that flippant statement was already a testimony of how i'd gone from resenting my job to being absolutely passionate about what i do. i've been catching up with a number of random people who ask me what i've been up to lately because "it seems you're really enjoying your life / your job!". an old college mate that i haven't talked to for years said to me the other day, "you seem to be really close to God".
hearing these things blew me away. my first reaction is always a slightly amused, incredulous one. "do you have any idea where i was at last year?!?!"
and as i've been sharing with these people how i've changed, and grown, in the past year, i realise it's a story i'm so, so grateful for. i'd gone from feeling lost... to being found. from being unsure of who i was... to finding my identity. from feeling like i was in the wrong place... to feeling like this is exactly where i'm meant to be.
something changed along the way, between july 2011 and today. and you know what - it wasn't some dramatic change. i look back, and all i see is night after lonely night of questioning... talking at the ceiling. lunch break after lunch break sitting alone in my cubicle, reading blogs and stories of people who seemed to have discovered what it meant to live a good life, and wondering if some day i could discover the same. moment after moment of feeling like running away but willing myself to stay. sarcastic comment after sarcastic comment that i chose not to say. complaint after complaint that i chose not to focus on. step after step that i kept taking even though i was bored out of my mind.
it wasn't in the extraordinary - but somewhere in the routine, mundane, ordinary grind of life that i discovered what it meant to really live. it's not about finding that one thing or that one job or that one person or that one place to give you passion and meaning. life doesn't work that way! it's not about external circumstances at all.
i'd read so many quotes about how "life is what you make of it" and self-help books about accepting personal responsibility and all that jazz - but i think it's one thing to know these things, and quite another thing to live these things. i think in the past year, i really lived a lot of the things i knew. i went from knowing them up there in my head, to understanding them in my heart.
as i let go of my selfish plans, dreams, ambitions, goal, wants - as i kept trying to stop pursuing temporary distractions and instant gratification in light of a longer-term vision - something happened. my cluttered, chaotic life full of questions and worries and fears and doubts slowly turned into a spacious one as i let go of unhealthy habits, attitudes, and perspectives. and that made room for God to put new ones in.
jonathan fields, one of my favorite bloggers / authors, who pioneered the good life project, has a great way of explaining the journey i've gone through:
when you're mission-centric (focused on the why) and medium-agnostic (indifferent about the how, and the what) - things start happening. 'coincidences' occur. sparks ignite. the right people cross your paths. the right doors open.
and as you're reading this, you're doing one of two things: either going "i know exactly what you mean!" or "what the heck is she talking about - what nonsense!". if you're the second, can i just say - just try it. stop saying you can't do this or that. just try not putting limitations on yourself for once. try doing that thing you swore you'd 'never' do. try it and see what happens.
because i promise you, i never got to this place wanting to be in the field of education. i never wanted to work a corporate 9-6 job. i never planned to run 21k and keep planning to run further distances. i never planned to be this person who can't help but talk about God all the time (sometimes i feel like omg i've become one of those super churchy, holy people - what is wrong with me?!?).
and i'll tell you what changed. letting go of my ideas, my plans, my dreams, my goals, my desires (the how and the what) - and asking God, "God why did you place me here? i don't care what you want me to do anymore - but just show me why i'm here"... made room for Him to place His ideas, His plans, His dreams, His goals, and His desires into my heart. and they have been exceedingly, abundantly, above all that i could have wanted or dreamed up on my own.
today, i work with great people, i lead a great media & communications team (that continues to grow as we hire new people), i am actually excited about reading my Bible every day and going to church every week (although i still find it incredibly weird saying that out loud or in writing), and i am aiming to run 30km this weekend (the furthest i will have run yet). and i have having an incredibly fun time. it's really not about the how - it's about the why.
why? to be surrounded by new friends who challenge me and speak the tough truth, in love, into my life. why? to come a place where i can share my story to mentor and inspire others. why? to learn discipline and patience and endurance, which i am terrible at. why? to learn to stop limiting myself, because God doesn't limit me. why? to see that things are changing in our country, and i get to be a part of that change. why? because every single person matters. why? because the journey is as important as the destination. why? why? why?
i pray you'll find the courage and strength to ask yourself the tough questions too. and the answers won't come immediately. sometimes it'll take months. sometimes years. we all have our own journeys to make, and they're never easy ones. but from my experience, for what it's worth, the journey is always, always worth it. :)
one year ago, i hated running and could barely run for more than ten minutes without stopping. since then, i've grown from running only to exercise and keep fit - to absolutely enjoying it, and wanting to continually increase my distance and speed.
one year ago, i only joined standard chartered's 10k race only because a friend had to pull out and was looking to sell her bib, so i thought i'd give it a shot (fully expecting to have to walk half the way!). but not only did i run the 10k all the way to the end, surprising myself - i have not stopped running since, surprising myself even more! i've done a couple 10ks and three 21ks - but more recently, in the past month, i've discovered run for the nation and have done a series of 5k prayer runs with them.
the story of how i 'accidentally' fell in love with running is a very close one to my heart - because it is intertwined with the story of how i fell in love with two things all over again in the past year - my country, and my God.
one year ago, i felt completely adrift. i had just returned from the uk and coming back to malaysia meant coming back to a whole new life, a whole new set of friends - and a job that i didn't choose for myself, but one that i was bonded to because of my scholarship. i felt like a random piece of driftwood bobbing about on waves in the middle of nowhere, with nothing to anchor me down. at the time, practically my whole circle of close friends were overseas while i was settling back here. i felt like malaysia was not the place i was meant to be, that something was wrong, because i felt so out of place.
one year ago, i stopped going to church for a few months because i felt like such a hypocrite. me, the christian church girl, who had grown up serving in church, for whom church had always been a second home, found myself questioning everything i believed and wanting to run away from it all when i couldn't find the answers i was looking for.
and one year (and a bit) later, everything has changed. i mean, everything. has. changed.
someone said to me the other day (after cracking joke after joke about frogs), "i can't help it! when i look at you, i see... frog!" (i work in an amazing company called FrogAsia, for the record.) i was like... "gee, thanks." but inwardly, i knew that flippant statement was already a testimony of how i'd gone from resenting my job to being absolutely passionate about what i do. i've been catching up with a number of random people who ask me what i've been up to lately because "it seems you're really enjoying your life / your job!". an old college mate that i haven't talked to for years said to me the other day, "you seem to be really close to God".
hearing these things blew me away. my first reaction is always a slightly amused, incredulous one. "do you have any idea where i was at last year?!?!"
and as i've been sharing with these people how i've changed, and grown, in the past year, i realise it's a story i'm so, so grateful for. i'd gone from feeling lost... to being found. from being unsure of who i was... to finding my identity. from feeling like i was in the wrong place... to feeling like this is exactly where i'm meant to be.
something changed along the way, between july 2011 and today. and you know what - it wasn't some dramatic change. i look back, and all i see is night after lonely night of questioning... talking at the ceiling. lunch break after lunch break sitting alone in my cubicle, reading blogs and stories of people who seemed to have discovered what it meant to live a good life, and wondering if some day i could discover the same. moment after moment of feeling like running away but willing myself to stay. sarcastic comment after sarcastic comment that i chose not to say. complaint after complaint that i chose not to focus on. step after step that i kept taking even though i was bored out of my mind.
it wasn't in the extraordinary - but somewhere in the routine, mundane, ordinary grind of life that i discovered what it meant to really live. it's not about finding that one thing or that one job or that one person or that one place to give you passion and meaning. life doesn't work that way! it's not about external circumstances at all.
i'd read so many quotes about how "life is what you make of it" and self-help books about accepting personal responsibility and all that jazz - but i think it's one thing to know these things, and quite another thing to live these things. i think in the past year, i really lived a lot of the things i knew. i went from knowing them up there in my head, to understanding them in my heart.
as i let go of my selfish plans, dreams, ambitions, goal, wants - as i kept trying to stop pursuing temporary distractions and instant gratification in light of a longer-term vision - something happened. my cluttered, chaotic life full of questions and worries and fears and doubts slowly turned into a spacious one as i let go of unhealthy habits, attitudes, and perspectives. and that made room for God to put new ones in.
jonathan fields, one of my favorite bloggers / authors, who pioneered the good life project, has a great way of explaining the journey i've gone through:
when you're mission-centric (focused on the why) and medium-agnostic (indifferent about the how, and the what) - things start happening. 'coincidences' occur. sparks ignite. the right people cross your paths. the right doors open.
and as you're reading this, you're doing one of two things: either going "i know exactly what you mean!" or "what the heck is she talking about - what nonsense!". if you're the second, can i just say - just try it. stop saying you can't do this or that. just try not putting limitations on yourself for once. try doing that thing you swore you'd 'never' do. try it and see what happens.
because i promise you, i never got to this place wanting to be in the field of education. i never wanted to work a corporate 9-6 job. i never planned to run 21k and keep planning to run further distances. i never planned to be this person who can't help but talk about God all the time (sometimes i feel like omg i've become one of those super churchy, holy people - what is wrong with me?!?).
and i'll tell you what changed. letting go of my ideas, my plans, my dreams, my goals, my desires (the how and the what) - and asking God, "God why did you place me here? i don't care what you want me to do anymore - but just show me why i'm here"... made room for Him to place His ideas, His plans, His dreams, His goals, and His desires into my heart. and they have been exceedingly, abundantly, above all that i could have wanted or dreamed up on my own.
today, i work with great people, i lead a great media & communications team (that continues to grow as we hire new people), i am actually excited about reading my Bible every day and going to church every week (although i still find it incredibly weird saying that out loud or in writing), and i am aiming to run 30km this weekend (the furthest i will have run yet). and i have having an incredibly fun time. it's really not about the how - it's about the why.
why? to be surrounded by new friends who challenge me and speak the tough truth, in love, into my life. why? to come a place where i can share my story to mentor and inspire others. why? to learn discipline and patience and endurance, which i am terrible at. why? to learn to stop limiting myself, because God doesn't limit me. why? to see that things are changing in our country, and i get to be a part of that change. why? because every single person matters. why? because the journey is as important as the destination. why? why? why?
i pray you'll find the courage and strength to ask yourself the tough questions too. and the answers won't come immediately. sometimes it'll take months. sometimes years. we all have our own journeys to make, and they're never easy ones. but from my experience, for what it's worth, the journey is always, always worth it. :)
There are no accidents, Crystal. :)
ReplyDeleteJust God-breathe, God-inspired and God-led paths.
He makes everything beautiful in His time. You've begun to catch them, as He slowly revealed it to you.
You've a beautiful life Crystal ! Seems you've achieved what you wanted to do. Be happy. :)
ReplyDeleteFor me I guess, I still have to question myself on my future as I'm still student lol
Keep going girl :)
Impressive post, keep running!
ReplyDeleteFor me, I will keep walking. - Johnny Walker-
Cheers!
The part of your post that talks about reading other people's blogs and stories about their full life reminds me of a quote I came across recently; "Don't compare your beginning to someone's middle" and I'm glad to come across another story like yours that speak of the journey, and not just the end. All the best =D
ReplyDelete