Bittersweet

I've been trying to move my more reflective writing to a more relevant blogging platform (ie. Tumblr) but this post will mark a huge milestone in my life, hence I find it apt to post this on my 'official' blog.

In just about 48 hours and 15 minutes, I will be on a plane taking off to literally, the other side of the world, leaving behind what has been my life for the past 8 months, and leaving people who have grown to become a part of my heart.

It's a crazy bittersweet feeling, to be so excited about going home to everything that has defined who I am for 20 years - my family, my hometown, my beloved country, my friends, and my culture. And at the same time, to be saying goodbye to people and places that have also come to shape who I am now, when I'm not sure when (if ever) I'll see most of them again.

And then there's this feeling of limbo - with each goodbye, I feel the ties with people here slipping loose... but at the same time, I'm not yet home so those ties still feel very weak. And this feeling of in-between, of not really belonging anywhere at the moment, was at first quite unsettling, but I think I'm starting to enjoy getting reacquainted with the new me, and just giving myself these few days to reflect and process this chapter of my life coming to a close.

I feel I've grown and changed and learnt so much, but at the same time, I feel like I've just learned that there's so much I don't know, and so much I'm unsure of. I've been more lonely than I've ever been in my life, but at the same time, learned how important friends are and had the privilege of making some of the most amazing friendships. I've learned to stand on my own two feet but also learned that I need people. I've learned that perspective, hot chocolate, and running is very essential to sanity, and I've developed a higher tolerance for dirt and messiness.

As crazy as living with boys drives me sometimes, my housemates have been amazing and taught me, for the second time in my life, that family aren't necessarily people you like or even choose to live with, but they're the ones who always have your back.

I've been reminded that life is always throwing stuff your way, stuff that can make you hard, but hard people crack under pressure. And it's a choice to stay soft and fluid, to accept the changes life brings and flow with it.

It's been an amazing ride, and as crazy and difficult as some parts of it have been, I'm thankful for it. But more than anything, I'm thankful for the people who have shared this journey with me, from the Kids' Church and NCLC team to Tees Extreme, from my housemates and fellow Malaysians to lecturers - these people have left an impact and taught me so much. It would take forever to list all the names, but three people deserve special mention.

To Naz, Mabel, and Justin, thank you. For being there when it mattered, for helping me to see the good things in life, for a whole lot of crazy adventures and unforgettable memories together, and for sharing your lives with me as well. You are the highlights of my time in the UK.

To end this post, here's a video flashback (the product of too many thoughts buzzing around in my head late last night) of the past year. Till the next post from the other side.

There is a hello for every goodbye

"Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos." -Charles M. Schulz

...so begins a new season of goodbyes.

Amid an eventful and definitely interesting weekend, I lost my wallet, along with cash, my Malaysian ID, and a debit card to pickpockets... but monetary losses pale in comparison to human ones.

The goodbyes looming ahead of me over the next two months make saying goodbye to Malaysian friends seem like a piece of cake. Even though it was hard, somewhere deep down I knew I would be seeing them again.

With the friends I've made and come to love at university, I won't be seeing many of them again for a long, long time. If I even do again, that is.

And then there has been a different kind of goodbye - a goodbye to a story that has been seven months in writing - or eight, if you're counting from the very start. A goodbye to a person who defined an important chapter in my life, but also, a chapter that over the past few weeks, has very quietly and graciously come to a close.

There are many reasons to be sad - many reasons to mourn my losses. What more, the hassle of getting my debit card replaced and having to call the Malaysian embassy to find out what to do about my lost ID card (which is a PAIN in the rear to get replaced, what more from abroad) is like getting salt rubbed into an already raw wound.

But, before you think this is a sad and emo post - it is not. There are plenty more reasons for me to be happy.

And that's the thing about life. For every reason to be unhappy, there is a reason to smile. And vice versa. It just depends which you choose to dwell on.

Today, I'm filling my thoughts with all the happiness around me - wonderful friends who care about me, the opportunity to visit perhaps the most beautiful city I have ever stepped foot in, and the privilege of meeting amazing people who help me see all the beauty in life and remind me that there is so much to be thankful for.

Over the roller coaster ride that has been the past six months (I find myself describing seasons of my life as a roller coaster ride far too often - I should just accept the fact that the rest of my life will be one big, crazy, adventure-filled ride), I've lost more than I expected to. But I've gained much, much more than I had imagined I would either.

Some of the things I've gained are:
Patience
Tolerance
A better understanding of people from different cultures and countries
The opportunity to visit three capitals in Europe / UK - Edinburgh, London, and Paris
New dances moves thanks to the amazing people at Tees Extreme
A (hopefully) better ability to budget

New friends
A friend I met at uni (who very kindly and graciously obliged to be our tour guide around Paris and also my personal translator at the French police station) told me that his mother always said it didn't matter so much losing things, "as long as you have your health".

I thought about it and remembered I have my health plus my family, self-identity, and love for writing and music intact, which is plenty to be thankful for.

Life is crazy, harsh, unfair, and sometimes, even cruel. It's easy to look at the craziness and forget that life is also so beautiful if you're looking in the right places.

Life may give you reasons to cry - but when you find a reason to smile, hold on to it, because all you need is that one reason to remind you everything will be okay. :)

"This world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it." -Sarah Kay

P/S - Paris travelogues will be up soon! :) Look out for them...

Hello, friend

"Just admit it," I tell myself.

"You're miserable. You hate Saturday nights. Saturday nights are always the nights you feel the loneliest."

Heck, the entire weekend reminds me of everything I don't have - family and friends to spend a lazy weekend with, Sunday morning breakfasts at the coffee shop next to church, and a big hearty lunch out with friends after church.

But Saturday nights are the worst and the quietest. Everyone back home is sleeping in or at church; everyone here is spending time with their own families.

I think to myself that if only I had someone to keep me company, everything would be okay, and instantly a voice in my head retorts, "No it wouldn't."

"It's wonderful to have people in your life, but you shouldn't make them your crutches," I tell myself.

"You shouldn't let their presence - or absence - dictate your happiness. Isn't that what you're always telling others?"

I sigh. My heart is empty, and my body aching to be wrapped into a cuddle. But the voice in my head is right: I can choose to make myself happy.

So I tell myself that if no one else is going to pamper me, I'm going to.

I clean the toilet, a chore I have been procrastinating for almost a week, so that I can enjoy the rest of the evening without a 'to-do' hanging over my head.

And then I make myself a comforting, indulgent meal - Aglio Olio. Some boiled spaghetti, a few dollops of olive oil - extra virgin, a sprinkling of dried basil and oregano, and chopped garlic. It's my favorite type of pasta - simple, light, minimalist, and yet satisfying - much like the way I like to live my life.

After feeding myself, I hop into a sparkling clean bathtub for a quick shower.

Freshly showered, dressed, and full, I decide to scrap my plans of doing some writing for uni work and treat myself to a movie. I finally give in to a temptation I'd been resisting ever since I bought my Mac and become a criminal by downloading µTorrent and subsequently Chocolat and Eat, Pray, Love.

Just as I am about to hop into bed and treat myself to my first ever solo movie night in the UK, a chat message pops up from one of my favorite girls at uni.

We spend about an hour chatting and I tell her about how much of a hard time I'd been giving myself for well, having a hard time dealing with living abroad. I also bring her up to speed on my woeful tales of love, attraction, and boys.

I tell her that I am such a contradiction - I need to be free, untethered, and independent, and yet I am so helpless without a steady anchor in my life. And she tells me I am my own steady anchor.

She tells me to look back at the quiet girl who sat in shorthand class and didn't say a word to anyone, and to look at how open I am now, and how many new experiences I've had and friends I've made. She reminds me I didn't accomplish any of that because of any of the boys my head is filled with thoughts of. I did it on my own.

And I realize she is right.

As much as it's easy and appealing to hide behind other people, to revolve my world around them and stake my happiness on them, it's not fair to them and it's not fair to me. It's not fair to put the burden of knowing and being exactly what I need on someone else - when no one else can do that but me.

It's difficult. It's easier to be around other people than yourself sometimes, because being with yourself means facing the truth about who you are. And the truth about me is I'm more scared of being alone and I need more affection than I would care to admit.

But just as real friends accept you when your true colors are revealed instead of judging or criticizing,  I can choose to accept who I am. I can be a friend to myself. I can be what I need.

So tonight, needing some company, I curl up under the covers alone, say to myself, "Hello, this movie is going to be fun!" and put on Chocolat.

Two hours, plenty of giggles, and a few tears (I am a sentimental sap that way) later, I feel happier, lighter, and less alone.

In fact, I even feel inspired to bake again - a feeling I haven't felt in a long time, perhaps even as long as a year. I don't remember. But that's another post for another day.

Things I wish someone had told me before I entered uni

1. Don't be afraid to talk to people who don't speak the same language you do. You'll find that some of the most genuine friends you will make are people you don't necessarily have fluent conversation with, because language barriers strip away the subtleties and complications of words, leaving you with the one universal language that is easy to understand and hard to use in a fake way - body language.

2. Join a club (or multiple clubs, if you wish). Don't think of membership fees as a waste of money - think of them as an investment into new friends, unforgettable memories, and a social circle that expands outside your housemates and classmates (whom you won't necessarily share a lot of interests in common with). Seriously, a club is your ticket out of a boring time at uni to actually having a life.

3. Be prepared for change. Your perspectives, habits, preferences, goals, and interests will have evolved and changed so much by the time you finish your course that you won't be the same person you were when you first entered uni. While you do have a choice in how you change and how much you change, you will find along the way that things are very different from what you expected them to be before you started uni. Try not to make predictive or assumptive statements or you might find yourself having to eat your words later. (Eg. I don't have trouble waking up normally; I will never miss a class because I overslept! OR I promise I will write every week! OR I'm sure I won't miss home that much. OR I won't find white guys attractive! - all statements I had to swallow over the last six months, by the way.)

People are people all over the world

 Some rights reserved by lanier67

I've learnt that people are people all over the world. The things about people that make me smile, cry, upset, annoyed, that make my heart skip a beat... they're the same all over the world. Warm hugs, listening ears, genuine smiles... they're the same all over the world. God, how similar they are.

I'm convinced the antidote to racism and prejudice is not to fight it with more bigotry. The cause of all those things is ignorance - and the cure for it is education and travel.

Despite the different cultures, despite the different languages, despite the different appearances, despite the different habits, peculiarities and quirks... deep down, people are not very different from each other.

It doesn't really matter what a person's history or background is - companionship, kindred spirits, best friends, and lovers can be found anywhere. Race, religion, culture, and upbringing has less to do with it than people think.

Because deep down, everyone shares a common desire for the same things in life - something to do, someone to love, something to hope for. 

An epiphany about the cold

"Epiphany - I has it," wrote one of my favourite bloggers a long time ago (because as forgetful as I am I can have a brilliant, albeit stalkerish memory when it comes to people and things I obsess over).

So yes. Before I start rambling. I have an epiphany about the cold and why I always get so emo and depressed whenever the weather gets cold.

Are you ready for it? Drumroll please... (thank you)

It's not the cold that makes me depressed... but depression that makes me feel extra bone-chillingly cold. Because somehow, when I have something to do, friends to be around, and warm food in my tummy (because life is too short to eat bad food!)... the cold doesn't seem to bother me quite so much, even when I'm wearing flip flops (because I'm Malaysian like that and wear flip flops everywhere and don't care how chav-y people think it is here) in 3 degrees.

In other news (one of many very British phrases I have now become fond of using... oh no I'm going native!!! Bleh... :P), it's been an interesting three weeks that have passed. After partying for a grand total of three Friday nights in a row, I think I might be ready to hang up my party shoes for good. I don't know how people have the energy or interest to party so hard. But we'll see if I change my mind before next Friday. ;)

It feels like in the past three weeks, I've experienced more of UK life, Middlesbrough life, student life, and just life in general than I have compared to the rest of my time here so far, excluding traveling to London and Edinburgh over the Christmas break. And it's been an amazing roller coaster, drama-filled ride (as my life always seems to be). There's probably lessons in here I'll take away with me to ponder over for YEARS to come that I don't realise at the moment.

But the important thing is, in these three weeks I LIVED. And I no longer feel like trapped and frustrated and like a victim of my circumstances, because these three weeks have been a reminder that my circumstances are largely a result of my choices and perspectives. In three weeks, I've seen the worst of myself... and also the best. And while I've made some choices I'm not proud of, as we all do every now and then, I've made some unforgettably precious memories as well.

In a very sweet birthday video, a friend asked me to go "crazy CRAZY - all outs crazy!" And I have to say, I have. :) Oh you have no idea. :)

Before I turn in for the night, I shall leave you with a quote by author Henry David Thoreau:

"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live."

And some good mood music to suit this post:



This year, is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun

This year, I'll paint my masterpiece
This year, I'll be recognized
I can feel like I'll fall in love for real

This year, I'll reach the pinnacle
This year, I'll get to the top
People will ask where she get that energy
This year, I'm never gonna stop



You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Help me hear the music of my heart
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door
To something I've never known before

People are like sunshine

Coming from a warm, tropical, sun-drenched country to a place where cold winds, cloudy skies, and freezing temperatures are the norm, I've learned that you can spend months despising a place with all your guts and then all it takes is a few drops of sunshine to change everything.

Suddenly, drenched in sunlight, everything looks beautiful, fresh, radiant.

Cold, dark nights fade into a dim and distant memory, and suddenly, all is new again.

People can be like that, too.

You can spend night upon lonely night wondering if you're the only human being who's ever felt alone, scared, and out of place. Wondering if such a thing as unselfish love actually exists.

Then you meet someone, and all it takes it a genuine smile, a lingering glance, and unselfish hug, silences that speak louder than words - that say I'm here, I understand, you're not alone.

Suddenly hope bubbles from a spring you didn't know was inside you.

Sleepless, tearful nights spent tossing and turning and staring at the ceiling become muted memories of what feels like a dream.

Suddenly, the world is new again.

What if we all lived our lives to be like sunshine for others?

What if were not meant to change the whole world but to change one heart at a time?

What if all it took was a smile, a hug, a hello?

What if we all lived that way?

How beautiful would the world look like then?

Dedicated to the new friends I've met who have been sunshine through long winter days. 

What 7000 miles has taught me so far

It doesn't matter where you are in the world...

there are problems everywhere.

there will always be people who complain about the system but don't do anything to change it.

there will always people who manage to inspire people even in the midst of their own problems and challenges they face.

people who inspire others usually have fun doing so, and by putting a smile on others' faces put a smile on their own.

tough choices are everywhere.

it's way too easy to become the person you swore to yourself you'd never be and judged others for being.

things always look a whole lot different when you're actually on the other side of the fence.

people change, come, and go, whether you want them to or not.

in every dark day there's something beautiful to be found if you're looking hard enough.

the best way to embrace the present is to stop comparing it to yesterday and tomorrow.

And finally,

wherever you go in the world, there's a whole lot of lonely people out there.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” -Theodore Roosevelt

Do we live the life that we should?

Do I push too hard?
Or fall too fast?
The moment never seems to last
Will I stop long enough to know

Your words circle in my head
Weigh so heavy on my chest
And I'm crushed by your expectation
I only want to do some good
Too dumb to know if I could
And I just wanna feel the days I'm in

Do I go to far,
Not far enough?
Why can't I keep my big mouth shut?
And do we lead the life that we should?

You know what I was thinking about on the night I turned 21? I was thinking that I was three months closer to the day I would return 'home' to Malaysia - the day I'd been anticipating and looking forward to every single day for the first five months since I first got here.

And instead of bubbling over with excitement that the day I'd been dreaming of and longing for was almost within reach, I started feeling a sense of dread.

Because for the first it hit me that even though I might be going 'home' to where I came from, it's not going to be home by the time I return. I can't just barge back into KL and expect to pick up my life where I've left off. People will have changed; some have left to other parts of the world already; but most of all, I will have changed.

It suddenly hit me that going home will be adjusting back to a new life all over again like I did when I came here. And while adventure and change is always good, it still means leaving someone(s) behind, which is never easy.

I spent the past 4-5 months here trying to hold on to the someone(s) I left behind in KL, trying to bring them into my world here. And for some people, maybe, that does work. Maybe e-mails and Skype chats are enough for some. But it's not enough for me to whinge about the weather to someone who has never been anywhere colder than 20 degrees.

I spent most of my free time here in isolation but mostly because I didn't bother making the effort to get out and get to know people, and now that I have started to, I actually feel normal again having friends I can talk to and see in 3D and live audio, not through a flat screen and tinny laptop speakers. I feel normal, and it feels good to be normal.

Still, trying to bring Malaysia into my world here is like trying to talk about the tropics to people who have only ever grown up in four season countries and wear thin hoodies in the dead of winter while I'm all bundled up in like four layers. It doesn't work when I keep my Malaysian accent around friends here - I'd just sound like a total weirdo; and the other way around - I'd sound like a snobby wannabe.

I finally understand why people lose touch with friends when they move away - a dear friend, who's in Canada at the moment, said to me when she was back in Malaysia for a break... that when she was there, Malaysia felt like a dream, and in Malaysia, here time there felt like a dream. I finally understand what she meant. Took me a little long - five months to be precise - of fighting and trying to ignore the fact that the two worlds I lived in, the two worlds I now call 'home' - were so completely different that I couldn't expect to reconcile them just like that.

I'm tired of trying. Explaining a foreign culture is one thing; trying to bring it into the day-to-day life of another culture is another thing. I'm tired of living between both worlds; I want to actually feel normal - to have my emotions and time invested in the world I am actually physically in instead of being a million miles away in my head in someplace I can't be in in person for another three months.

I spent so long back in KL learning to live in the present and not for some distant event in the future - and it felt like that ability slipped way when I got here, and lately, it's starting to feel like it's coming back. And it feels pretty good actually, to live arms wide, expectation-free, ready to go wherever life takes me.

You know what else I was thinking?

That exactly what I dreaded would happen before coming here has happened. I've changed. I don't think I want the same things as I did anymore before I left. I mean, I knew I would change, but I thought I'd find myself wanting different things.

But at 21, I found myself feeling the very same thing I felt at 18 - trapped and stifled and not knowing who I am, and not wanting to find my identity in a safety net or security blanket or a reliable shoulder to lean on.

I thought I was ready to settle down and live a stable, settled life with a stable job, significant other, and etc, and now... the thought just scares the crap out of me like it did... a couple years ago?? I don't even understand it myself... I never expected to feel this way, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't have hung some of my hopes quite as high as I did before leaving.

All I know right now is that I want to run very, very far away from what was left back in KL, and any expectations and obligations that will be waiting for me when I go back there. And just be here, fully immersed in the present.



I hear the wind across the plain
A sound so strong - that calls my name
It's wild like the river - it's warm like the sun
Ya it's here - this is where I belong

Under the starry skies - where eagles have flown
This place is paradise - it's the place I call home
The moon on the mountains
The whisper through the trees
The waves on the water
Let nothing come between this and me

Cuz everything I want - is everything that's here
And when when we're all together - there's nothing to fear
And wherever I wander - the one thing I've learned
It's to here - I will always... always return

Life is too short to be anything but yourself

Today as I walked out of uni after shorthand at 5PM, tears came to my eyes as I looked up at the sky and saw that the sun was just beginning to set.

It's been a few months of winter now - of long, dark, tearful, lonely nights. Months of having the weather mirror my emotional state, with the sun making an appearance (when it's not blocked by thick, dreary clouds) only after 7.30AM and quickly disappearing completely by 4PM.

Today, it sank in that the days were getting longer - spring, although it may still be more than a month away, is slowly but surely on its way. It sank in, with the completion of my final piece of assessment for this semester - that I have made it past the halfway mark, and I have just slightly under four months to go now. 

I choked back tears as these realizations brought with them the feeling of coming full circle. At the end of 2009 and the start of 2010, I'd faced what I thought was the toughest year of my life to date. Then 2010 broke my heart and gave me a new definition for tough. But 2009 and 2010 put together can't even top what these past four months have been.

This feeling of going through a seemingly unending dark night and  seeing hints of dawn starting to break, of realizing you've made it through alive... it still takes my breath away every single time. It's the most amazing feeling knowing that the countless tears cried, insomniac nights, feeling *this* close to the brink of insanity, feeling everything you've prided yourself on crumble to nothing, feeling completely alone and like no one could possibly understand... knowing that they weren't wasted. Knowing that you're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel after long, cold nights that never seem to end... it's the best feeling in the world. 

These 'dark nights of the soul', described by almost all major religions and spiritual mystics, have a sort of purifying, awakening effect - not just on the soul but also on the senses. After night upon night spent swimming in helpless, miserable, hateful, resentful thoughts, and struggling to stay afloat... and catching sight of land and knowing you have not drowned yet... it does something to a person.

Beautiful things become even more beautiful, sweet music sounds even sweeter, things I was thankful for become even more precious and treasured, and my experience of and appreciation for all things good and beautiful in life is amplified by x100. 

It's not that I won't have crappy days, resentful thoughts, lonely nights, or tear-soaked pillows anymore. I'll probably have tons more between now and the time I go home (home!). But it's not the same with the knowledge that I can face them, I can overcome them, and I am bigger and stronger than my situations, no matter how intimidating they may seem. 

I love symbolism and analogies, and I am particularly enraptured by the idea of something having to die before it can fully come alive. A seed has to be buried before it can blossom into a flower, a caterpillar has to be entombed before it can metamorphose into a butterfly... and nights of crying are necessary to come out a stronger and braver person. Beauty can blossom from pain.

While talking to a friend recently, he mentioned that I provide a lot of comic relief, slapstick comedy, and laughter lately. I thought about it for a second and I replied, "Yeah that's cos I take myself less seriously these days, that's why I can make fun of myself." I used to be so insecure about every little thing that made me me. A few years ago, I wouldn't be caught dead on video. I obsessed over every single calorie I put into my body. My studies and looks became identities I hid the real me behind, and I lived for someone to be jealous that I got straight A's, to call me 'hot', or to make me feel better about myself. 

Coming here took away all of that. Aside from a butt-slapping incident by some ill-mannered dude on the street, my status on male attention from local guys still remains at a level of... nil. I find it is actually a challenge to satisfy my lecturers and score high marks, and after having breezed through college back home, I've actually been struggling a lot with wondering if I'm really that lousy at what I do. People tell me, 'Oh but you're doing so well.' And I don't know how to say it without sounding obnoxious but the thing is, I'm not used to 'doing well'. I'm used to aceing. So all these external things I hid behind were gone, and in their place is just... me. 

A me that says, well, even if people don't think I'm awesome I'm going to give my awesomest anyway. Even if no one notices what I'm wearing, I'm dressing up because it makes me feel good about myself. Even if it won't show under three layers of clothing, I'm going to the gym not just for my physical health but because it also does wonders for my mental health. A me that's not afraid to be honest about her feelings and admit that she actually doesn't have it all figured out. 

A me that's learnt that life's too short to be anything but yourself. 

Do whatever it takes to be yourself, to find yourself. Go through those dark nights. Cry your eyes out. Allow your heart to hurt, so it can start to heal. Let go of the things you define yourself by. Don't let anything or anyone else define you. 

A long time ago, Elselyn, a dear friend once said something like, "This life is difficult. But it's also beautiful. But life is what you make it." After all these years, I still think back to these words, and I think, she's so right.

I was taught that, not only by my dark nights, but also the lives of the amazing and beautiful friends I have around me who have gone through their own dark nights. 

So this post is dedicated to all the strong, funny, imperfect, beautiful people whom I've had the privilege of sharing life with. You guys make this ride worthwhile. :)