run. climb. risk.

All rights reserved by julianbialowas

sore muscles. aching core. pure catharsis. absolute freedom. 

there is so much release, joy, and freedom in pushing your body to its limits. in discovering your limits - and then pushing them further. there is so much perspective in overcoming challenges you never thought you could conquer - it puts you in your place and humbles you. it makes you realise that so much is possible, and good god, what other possibilities could be there just waiting to be encountered? 

everything else fades away to calm. clarity. perspective. there's nothing to vent or complain about. all frustrations and pent-up emotions disappear and i'm left with a stupid smile of pure satisfaction. there is so much truth in knowing where you stand and what your strengths and weaknesses are. there is no way to fake it. there's nobody i need to validate me. my improvements validate themselves. and i feel weak... yet strong in knowing what my weaknesses are - because i know exactly what i need to target next. 

life is beautiful and pure again. because my soul, the window through which i look at life, is free. pure. cleansed. 

What Your Big Year taught me

Two weeks. Apprentice-style challenges. 16 of the loudest, craziest, most energetic and driven young people on the planet. Set against the backdrop of Liverpool and its attractions, from the Liverpool Cathedral to the Liverpool Eye. And one unforgettable journey that would forever change the lives of all who embarked on it.

It's been two days since I returned home after the Your Big Year finals. It feels good to be back, but at the same time slightly disorienting after spending a whirlwind two weeks doing things I never would have imagined myself doing. In these two weeks I've been stretched, been pushed out of my comfort zone, and questioned my abilities over and over again. 

I've gotten to know not just the world and the 14 different countries represented in the finals a little better, but I've gotten to know myself a bit better. And I didn't always like what I learned about myself. I learned that under pressure, I can be irritable, short-tempered, and not the best of company. I've learned that I carry a lot of preconceived notions and prejudices against people that are probably not even true. I've learned that I'm still not as good at talking about my emotions as I'd like to think I am. 

But I've also learned that I'm capable of doing a lot more than I thought I could - like delivering an impromptu elevator pitch to Sir Terry Leahy (former CEO of Tesco) without stammering, living together for two weeks with a bunch of strangers and eventually coming to see them as family, and approaching strangers from different cultures on the streets on Liverpool to raise funds for charity.

For a girl who used to tear up at the thought of talking to strangers because she was that shy, I think that's a pretty big achievement. I may not have won the competition, but to make it to the Top 10 out of over 60,000 entrants from over 200 countries, and to fly more than halfway across the world to do crazy things just because I believed the challenge would help me grow? That's already a huge win for me. 

But beyond all that, the biggest win of all was getting to know all of the amazing people at Your Big Year. People who made my world a little smaller, and my perspectives a little bigger.

It's spending every moment from the time you wake up till the time you hit your pillow experiencing the full range of possible emotions with a range of personalities that could not be more colourful or diverse. It’s becoming so completely exhausted that there’s no more energy to keep up fronts or maintain a certain image. It’s about vulnerability and opening up to someone else, and realising that despite our different backgrounds, cultures, experiences, we all share common dreams, hopes, wishes. It’s arriving as strangers... and leaving as family.

My biggest win at Your Big Year was meeting the people who remind me that I'm not alone in this - that there are so many out there who wanted to make a difference in the world - for good. And that we need each other. We can't do it alone.

So wherever you are right now, in all your efforts to make a difference and make the world a better place, don't forget that you're not Superman/woman. You're not meant to save the world alone. Let's do it together. 

Changed

A week ago before I left for Kota Kinabalu to climb one of Southeast Asia's highest peaks and to enjoy some time out, my youngest brother asked me, "When are you coming back?"

To which I replied, "I'm not coming back."

To which he gave me a blank, "whatever" sort of stare. "Serious la..."

I replied, "Seriously, the person that will be climbing down the mountain won't be the same person that climbed up."

It's true. 

I've known for some time now that travelling changes you like little else can. Yet somehow, it still catches me by surprise every time I travel and change, grow, and stretch myself a little bit more. 

Someone once wrote that "no journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within." 

The past five days in KK have done just that. 

I climbed to the peak of Mount Kinabalu, the burden of my backpack weighing down on me, carrying also the burden of past mistakes, people who have hurt me, and things I needed to let go of. 

I trudged through pelting rain and cold winds, knowing that as cold and miserable as the rain was it would wash away the dust and dirt of everyday life and leave things fresh and new again. 

I watched the landscape and weather change as we trekked through dense tropical jungle, through rocky, temperate hills, and finally, over massive bare granite slabs, as I thought about how the landscape of my soul has changed as I journeyed through different seasons in life.

I battled with my mind telling me, "you can't make it", to push through the last few stages of the climb, where the peak felt so close and yet so incredibly far. I fought with my heart against giving up on hope, love, and second chances that felt so close and yet at the same time, so impossible for someone like me.

I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to do the very last things I wanted to do, things that scared the crap out of me, like ice cold showers and being vulnerable. 

I depended on others - to guide me, support me, encourage me, inspire me, motivate me, walk beside me, and tell me that it's okay and I'd make it through when I doubted myself. 

I let go. Of expectations, of things that weighed me down, of excuses, of the fear of things changing. 

I embraced the change.

And changed.

Five days away, and I came back a different person - skin a little tanner, legs a little more sore, one more item checked off my bucket list. 

But beyond that, I've come home a little bit more satisfied, a little bit stronger, and a little bit braver. 

I conquered not just a physical mountain, but also intimidating mountains in my soul. And I've learned not so much that I'm stronger than I think I am, but that I have a Source of strength I can draw from that is more than enough to compensate for my fears, my weaknesses, and my doubt. 

I've learned that journeys are meant to be shared, and that it's okay to need others. I've learned that I can say, "I don't know if I can do this," and not be judged or criticised for it, that there are plenty of generous people willing to lend a helping hand or an encouraging word, and that travelling is  a lot more fun in good company. 

I've been reminded that although this journey through life is often difficult, long, and arduous... it is also so heart-breakingly beautiful. And no matter what discouragement or setbacks you may face, everything is worth it for the moments that come and steal your breath away along the way.

I'm learning to live a little bit deeper within myself. To chase after my goals and dreams, even if I'm not sure I have what it takes to reach them. To always stay open. To hope, to life, to love, to change... to new beginnings.